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Deception in Dating


Galactic Turtle

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Galactic Turtle

Hello humans!

So this is a pretty random question but something I had pondered before I knew that asexuality existed. At the time I made an online dating profile on OkCupid because my friend was like "at least make an effort to not be a complete shut-in." One of the first questions you have to answer on that website is how often you expect to have sex ranging from once a day to once a month or less. This was before I knew how often the average person had sex so once a month still seemed like a lot to me. As a comment on the question I put "No sex for the first three years. After that, 3-4 times a year." Even typing "3-4 times a year" seemed like a lot to me because at that point all I knew was that I didn't want to have sex ever but my friend said that I had to so that was my negotiated rate.

Judging by the people who messaged me, they obviously didn't look at that question. I even put on my profile that I was "extremely prude." Nevertheless I did get into a conversation with one person who seemed nice so I told him that I wasn't comfortable with a relationship becoming sexual for a long time and when I defined "a long time" as three years he just kind of brushed that aside and said "we'll see." Then I said that I don't like it when people touch me and after a long conversation that lowered his expectation of touch from "kiss" down to "handshake" he just said "ok that's fine."

It caught me off guard because no one I'd ever talked to on there had said that before. Most either ended the conversation or accused me of being on some type of feminist agenda. The main reason why I stopped messaging this person in particular was (aside from not actually wanting to date anyone) because I thought he was lying in the sense that he says that no sex and no touch is ok but what will happen if we actually meet? I'm used to people blowing up at me over the internet but in real life it seemed like it could put me in a dangerous situation. This thought was fueled by the dozens of questions he asked regarding why I wasn't ok with touch or sex.

So pretty much... my question is:

In dating, after explaining your lack of desire for sex or stating that you were asexual, has the person you ended up meeting ever lied about being ok with not having a sexual component to a relationship perhaps assuming that you would change your mind?

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Okay... I'm going to start with:

One of the first questions you have to answer on that website is how often you expect to have sex ranging from once a day to once a month or less. This was before I knew how often the average person had sex so once a month still seemed like a lot to me. As a comment on the question I put "No sex for the first three years. After that, 3-4 times a year." Even typing "3-4 times a year" seemed like a lot to me because at that point all I knew was that I didn't want to have sex ever but my friend said that I had to so that was my negotiated rate.

If you know you do not want to have sex ever, you are absolutely allowed to not have sex ever. Your friend is wrong, and what your friend said was cruel and unfriendly. Personally, I believe you should be honest and say "I don't want sex in my relationship." If, by some crazy happenstance, you fall in love and you decide you want to compromise and have sex occasionally, that's also fine! If that happened to be 3-4 times a year, that's great! But if you don't want sex, just say you don't want to have sex.

Since you are on OKC, do you have 'asexual' as one of your options? Also, if you allow men to view your profile, the majority of your messages will be terrible and I am sorry. I get to shake my head or laugh at the messages my friends show me, as some are quite funny. That's a typical experience. Your friend says to join OK to be less of a shut-in, but it's likely OKC will make you dislike people more :P

As for your actual question, yes people will and do lie.

I was in a romantic relationship that started with "I could live my whole life without having sex with you" and throughout the course of my relationship, I received threats of leaving me if I don't do xyz sexual act, as well as psychological & physical retaliation if I said "no." There are absolutely people who are lying about their intentions, even intentions regarding sex. I'm not saying this to scare you... there are people who are true to their word and are perfectly fine without a sexual component in their primary relationship.

-

What are you wanting out of OKC? Are you trying to find short or long term relationships? Are you a -romantic, or wanting a romantic relationship? Are you trying to find friends? Just wondering because how you wrote your post, it sounds like you joined OKC because your friend told you to. There are ways to be less of a "shut in" without joining dating sites. :cake: Also I will PM you my OKC profile!!!

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Galactic Turtle

Okay... I'm going to start with:

One of the first questions you have to answer on that website is how often you expect to have sex ranging from once a day to once a month or less. This was before I knew how often the average person had sex so once a month still seemed like a lot to me. As a comment on the question I put "No sex for the first three years. After that, 3-4 times a year." Even typing "3-4 times a year" seemed like a lot to me because at that point all I knew was that I didn't want to have sex ever but my friend said that I had to so that was my negotiated rate.

If you know you do not want to have sex ever, you are absolutely allowed to not have sex ever. Your friend is wrong, and what your friend said was cruel and unfriendly. Personally, I believe you should be honest and say "I don't want sex in my relationship." If, by some crazy happenstance, you fall in love and you decide you want to compromise and have sex occasionally, that's also fine! If that happened to be 3-4 times a year, that's great! But if you don't want sex, just say you don't want to have sex.

Since you are on OKC, do you have 'asexual' as one of your options? Also, if you allow men to view your profile, the majority of your messages will be terrible and I am sorry. I get to shake my head or laugh at the messages my friends show me, as some are quite funny. That's a typical experience. Your friend says to join OK to be less of a shut-in, but it's likely OKC will make you dislike people more :P

As for your actual question, yes people will and do lie.

I was in a romantic relationship that started with "I could live my whole life without having sex with you" and throughout the course of my relationship, I received threats of leaving me if I don't do xyz sexual act, as well as psychological & physical retaliation if I said "no." There are absolutely people who are lying about their intentions, even intentions regarding sex. I'm not saying this to scare you... there are people who are true to their word and are perfectly fine without a sexual component in their primary relationship.

-

What are you wanting out of OKC? Are you trying to find short or long term relationships? Are you a -romantic, or wanting a romantic relationship? Are you trying to find friends? Just wondering because how you wrote your post, it sounds like you joined OKC because your friend told you to. There are ways to be less of a "shut in" without joining dating sites. :cake: Also I will PM you my OKC profile!!!

This story was from about a year or so ago before I even knew asexual was a word. Since then, I did make a new one listing myself as asexual just to see what would happen. I log on and look around sometimes just to try to get used to the idea of dating someone even though it seems a bit daunting and part of me clings to the hope that someone I actually might like will message me on there.

I don't really want to be in a relationship right now mostly because I know I wouldn't be good in one. It's more that I know that getting a boyfriend would get rid of a lot of external pressure should I happen to procure one conveniently. I've only ever liked one person in my life but even then I realized that the ways in which I wanted to connect with him would sound to most people like friendship.

I know I'm not aromantic because I love watching cheesy romance dramas and I like the idea of love in a romantic sense whether it be between two people or perhaps three... maybe four... but I'm not going to adventure down that route because I'd legitimately get disowned if I involved myself in that type of relationship.

It's scary to think that people would lie about being ok with a nonsexual relationship. That's a big reason why I've been wary of most men to begin with...

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Do you experience any romantic attraction towards people of other genders besides men?

I find there are a lot of asexual people on OKC and by labeling yourself as asexual (as there is an option for it) could open up a lot of options for you in terms of finding asexy people who would be fine without sex! I've talked to a few cool people on OKC. I think editing your profile to reflect more honestly on your wants in terms of sex and dating is a good idea. You can uncheck casual sex, short and long term dating, and just have "friends" checked. And that way people looking for friends will find you :)

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Galactic Turtle

Do you experience any romantic attraction towards people of other genders besides men?

I find there are a lot of asexual people on OKC and by labeling yourself as asexual (as there is an option for it) could open up a lot of options for you in terms of finding asexy people who would be fine without sex! I've talked to a few cool people on OKC. I think editing your profile to reflect more honestly on your wants in terms of sex and dating is a good idea. You can uncheck casual sex, short and long term dating, and just have "friends" checked. And that way people looking for friends will find you :)

I've only experienced romantic attraction towards that one person. I feel more comfortable around women in general just because they're not men and the immature side of me would be perfectly happy spending the rest of my life with my best friend (a woman) in a platonic sense.... but I've only been interested in men romantically albeit from afar.

Whenever I go on OKC it's impossible to search for specific people/orientations though by digging a lot I did find one demisexual guy but he ran away the second I said I didn't want to have sex. I have longterm dating and friends checked... because I do really need to find a boyfriend somewhere... and I already have plenty of friends. XD

The main reason I don't want to be in a relationship is because I know it will involve me having to do things that I don't want to do which is why I asked about people perhaps lying about what they were ok with...

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It is possible to like romantic stuff and be aro or potentially grey-aro. I love romance and shipping and I'm completely aromantic! You don't have to be in a romantic relationship, ever, if you don't want to. But if it's something that's important to you I'm sure there are people who truly would be ok with giving up sex.

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nanogretchen4

Truthfully, unless you date people you met in some venue specifically for asexuals, they are very unlikely to be okay with a permanently sexless relationship. Also, I get the feeling that you are looking for a relationship because of family pressure but you don't really want a relationship. In my opinion, your best bet is to stand up to your parents. If you are just not going to do that, your second best bet is to find a male platonic friend, possibly gay, who would be willing to pose as your boyfriend during dinner with your parents. That may buy some time, but you'll still have to stand up to your parents sooner or later. In the meantime, if you don't know in advance that a man is asexual there is a 99% chance that he is not, so it's not a good idea to date him in the hope that he is. If you don't want to date, don't date.

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Do you experience any romantic attraction towards people of other genders besides men?

I find there are a lot of asexual people on OKC and by labeling yourself as asexual (as there is an option for it) could open up a lot of options for you in terms of finding asexy people who would be fine without sex! I've talked to a few cool people on OKC. I think editing your profile to reflect more honestly on your wants in terms of sex and dating is a good idea. You can uncheck casual sex, short and long term dating, and just have "friends" checked. And that way people looking for friends will find you :)

Whenever I go on OKC it's impossible to search for specific people/orientations though by digging a lot I did find one demisexual guy but he ran away the second I said I didn't want to have sex. I have longterm dating and friends checked... because I do really need to find a boyfriend somewhere... and I already have plenty of friends. XD

You can search specifically for "asexual men age X to Y in Z area" on OKcupid, with a free account.

Though, be warned, you want to read their sex questions even if they list themselves asexual. The majority of the ones I have seen, require sex in a relationship at a pretty high frequency (once daily, to once weekly) even if they are labeled asexual. I've only seen a couple of ace guys on there that aren't interested in a sexual relationship.

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Galactic Turtle

It is possible to like romantic stuff and be aro or potentially grey-aro. I love romance and shipping and I'm completely aromantic! You don't have to be in a romantic relationship, ever, if you don't want to. But if it's something that's important to you I'm sure there are people who truly would be ok with giving up sex.

Oh! I'm not sure how important it is or not to me. I guess I just assume it will happen. I'm not sure how often people are usually romantically attracted to someone though perhaps once in 22 years is a bit on the low end...

Truthfully, unless you date people you met in some venue specifically for asexuals, they are very unlikely to be okay with a permanently sexless relationship. Also, I get the feeling that you are looking for a relationship because of family pressure but you don't really want a relationship. In my opinion, your best bet is to stand up to your parents. If you are just not going to do that, your second best bet is to find a male platonic friend, possibly gay, who would be willing to pose as your boyfriend during dinner with your parents. That may buy some time, but you'll still have to stand up to your parents sooner or later. In the meantime, if you don't know in advance that a man is asexual there is a 99% chance that he is not, so it's not a good idea to date him in the hope that he is. If you don't want to date, don't date.

I'd like to think that some part of me wants a relationship. The idea seems good in theory once you take out the sex, kissing, hand-holding... which... is why I'd be a terrible girlfriend. XD But going out for ice cream with someone you care about seems romantic to me. ^_^ I think as long as I have a boyfriend my parents won't care about what we do or don't do, they're just focused on my sex/touch issues because that seems like a permanent obstacle to getting a boyfriend so they're focused on me getting over that through exposure.

You can search specifically for "asexual men age X to Y in Z area" on OKcupid, with a free account.

Though, be warned, you want to read their sex questions even if they list themselves asexual. The majority of the ones I have seen, require sex in a relationship at a pretty high frequency (once daily, to once weekly) even if they are labeled asexual. I've only seen a couple of ace guys on there that aren't interested in a sexual relationship.

That's odd. @__@ Why would they list themselves as asexual then?

Oh! And I tried it! A grand total of three people showed up. :P

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Hmm, your idea of romance sounds very platonic to me! I used to think I would have to be in a relationship, and when I realized I didn't, it felt great because I was like "so I don't have to kiss people or hold hands or go on candle-lit dates or anything??" And personally, I would really love to have a friend or friends some day that I just live with. I like being in the presence of people, cooking for friends, watching tv together, etc. and I don't really want to automatically have to live alone with my cats forever just because I'm aro! For me in the meantime I will probably be fine since I will likely be living with a roommate out of convenience for the next 4-8 years. However, after that... I don't know. I definitely hope to find an aroace friend to live it up with but I have a while to figure it out, I guess.

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Galactic Turtle

Hmm, your idea of romance sounds very platonic to me! I used to think I would have to be in a relationship, and when I realized I didn't, it felt great because I was like "so I don't have to kiss people or hold hands or go on candle-lit dates or anything??" And personally, I would really love to have a friend or friends some day that I just live with. I like being in the presence of people, cooking for friends, watching tv together, etc. and I don't really want to automatically have to live alone with my cats forever just because I'm aro! For me in the meantime I will probably be fine since I will likely be living with a roommate out of convenience for the next 4-8 years. However, after that... I don't know. I definitely hope to find an aroace friend to live it up with but I have a while to figure it out, I guess.

Oh. @____@

Well...

It would be extraordinarily not good if I were aro... because I have to get married and do the whole family thing...

I'll have to pull the "maybe I haven't met the right person yet" card on myself for that one although my best friend is living with me this summer and I've never been so delighted. ^_^

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Telecaster68

"has the person you ended up meeting ever lied about being ok with not having a sexual component to a relationship perhaps assuming that you would change your mind"

Chiming in as a sexual... they're not necessarily lying, just as asexuals who really think they'd be okay with having sex for their partners' sake and discover they're not aren't lying.

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Galactic Turtle

"has the person you ended up meeting ever lied about being ok with not having a sexual component to a relationship perhaps assuming that you would change your mind"

Chiming in as a sexual... they're not necessarily lying, just as asexuals who really think they'd be okay with having sex for their partners' sake and discover they're not aren't lying.

True. ^_^

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It would be extraordinarily not good if I were aro... because I have to get married and do the whole family thing...

You most definitely do not. These aren't the Dark Ages we live in anymore.

Please don't make a family out of people that you don't exactly want to be family with. It isn't fair to either party.

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Hmm, your idea of romance sounds very platonic to me! I used to think I would have to be in a relationship, and when I realized I didn't, it felt great because I was like "so I don't have to kiss people or hold hands or go on candle-lit dates or anything??" And personally, I would really love to have a friend or friends some day that I just live with. I like being in the presence of people, cooking for friends, watching tv together, etc. and I don't really want to automatically have to live alone with my cats forever just because I'm aro! For me in the meantime I will probably be fine since I will likely be living with a roommate out of convenience for the next 4-8 years. However, after that... I don't know. I definitely hope to find an aroace friend to live it up with but I have a while to figure it out, I guess.

Oh. @____@

Well...

It would be extraordinarily not good if I were aro... because I have to get married and do the whole family thing...

I'll have to pull the "maybe I haven't met the right person yet" card on myself for that one although my best friend is living with me this summer and I've never been so delighted. ^_^

It's just a thought! You might not be at all, or perhaps you are grey-aro and really just experience it rarely. But you don't have to force yourself to be in a relationship if you are unhappy with it. Why do you think it wouldn't be good if you were aro?

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Galactic Turtle
It would be extraordinarily not good if I were aro... because I have to get married and do the whole family thing...

You most definitely do not. These aren't the Dark Ages we live in anymore.

Please don't make a family out of people that you don't exactly want to be family with. It isn't fair to either party.

It's complicated but yes, I do. It will end up ok though. Maybe it just takes me longer to feel romantic attraction than others. ^_^

Hmm, your idea of romance sounds very platonic to me! I used to think I would have to be in a relationship, and when I realized I didn't, it felt great because I was like "so I don't have to kiss people or hold hands or go on candle-lit dates or anything??" And personally, I would really love to have a friend or friends some day that I just live with. I like being in the presence of people, cooking for friends, watching tv together, etc. and I don't really want to automatically have to live alone with my cats forever just because I'm aro! For me in the meantime I will probably be fine since I will likely be living with a roommate out of convenience for the next 4-8 years. However, after that... I don't know. I definitely hope to find an aroace friend to live it up with but I have a while to figure it out, I guess.

Oh. @____@

Well...

It would be extraordinarily not good if I were aro... because I have to get married and do the whole family thing...

I'll have to pull the "maybe I haven't met the right person yet" card on myself for that one although my best friend is living with me this summer and I've never been so delighted. ^_^

It's just a thought! You might not be at all, or perhaps you are grey-aro and really just experience it rarely. But you don't have to force yourself to be in a relationship if you are unhappy with it. Why do you think it wouldn't be good if you were aro?

Hm... perhaps it wouldn't be not good... but maybe it would just make things harder. They do say that once you get married, your partner becomes your best friend so even if I'm not aro and it just takes me longer to feel romantic attraction, I can still end up with someone who seems like a good person and who I work well with!

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This is true, and perhaps you would feel comfortable with the label demiromantic, but keep in mind that even asexual people will want to do these romance-y things when in a relationship (even in the beginning stages). Likely, if you want to make a romantic relationship work, your partner will want to kiss, hold hands, cuddle etc.

If you are willing to compromise and do these things thats fine, although if you never do develop feelings for the person it might cause bigger issues, so it might be a good idea to start exploring the possibility that you are aro and that you may not end up married (you can still have children, biologically or through adoption, if you want). If you are very opposed to these possibilities you might force yourself into a relationship that either makes you unhappy or doesn't satisfy your partner.

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Galactic Turtle, I feel you are conflating separate problems. You have every reason to be concerned about meeting with someone in real life. As you get to know each other, you will be able to evaluate them, and over time learn to trust them should they be trustworthy.

But being okay without sex..? It's impossible to tell, and there isn't necessarily something malicious to it when someone claims they'd be okay without it, not realizing the long term implications of a celibate relationship. If they are a decent person and they end up not being okay with it, the worst that might happen will be that they leave you over it. Any relationship could end for some reason at any point, so if you are looking for some kind of guarantee that your partner will stay with you, yes, it would be better to avoid a relationship to begin with.

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OutsideObserver

Galactic Turtle: It sounds like you have the deck stacked against you. You are trying to find a boyfriend fast for reasons other than liking any one guy or even wanting a boyfriend. And you don't want sex, or even much touching.

Painful truth time: dating is going to be hard for you. Very, very few young allosexual men will want a sexless relationship in their early 20's, and the touch aversion will add to that. Many men who try to pursue you will do so because they don't believe in asexuality and quietly believe you will be ok with sex eventually, or will finally come to their senses at the prospect of no sex, ever, and try to re-negotiate or back out. I wish one of the older asexual women on this board was chiming in, I imagine they can tell you all sorts of stories.

You really should just stop and reevaluate what you want. If you don't want a boyfriend, or don't want one right now, then please don't rush to get with some guy to make others happy. You could end up hurt badly or hurting someone else a lot trying to force a relationship to happen. If you do genuinely want to find someone, you will need to exercise extraordinary patience. You will need to be prepared for many prospective boyfriends to bail out of things when you tell them you don't want sex, and for some of the ones who stay to change their minds as the relationship goes on. You might even need to wait for an asexual male or an extremely low libido one, both of which are almost certainly rarer than you may perceive them to be. Finding the right person takes time for anyone, so asexuals basically have it 100x harder... :unsure:

So save yourself the grief. Do what you want to do before thinking about what other people want you to do...

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Galactic Turtle

The situation seems quite grim. :(

Maybe I'm better off just being in a regular relationship even if there's turbulence along the way because people have shown interest even if it seems to me like it's mostly physical. It's better than sitting around doing nothing. And like I said before if they have a good personality and we get along well, it's impossible to be physically intimate all the time. Between work and everything else I can't even put aside time to watch my favorite TV shows. :P

I understand that my standards are beyond unrealistic. :wacko:

EDIT: And yes I know it's not the best thing but it seems like most of my conversations loop back around to this point. It seems unavoidable and unreasonable for me to not at least try.

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It's scary to think that people would lie about being ok with a nonsexual relationship. That's a big reason why I've been wary of most men to begin with...

They don't feel that they're lying. They probably think "That's how he/she feels now; but once we're together, I can get around that."

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OutsideObserver

It's scary to think that people would lie about being ok with a nonsexual relationship. That's a big reason why I've been wary of most men to begin with...

They don't feel that they're lying. They probably think "That's how he/she feels now; but once we're together, I can get around that."

To be fair, especially with young people still trying to figure our who they are and who they are becoming, they are not wrong 100% of the time.

Which is why asexuals need to be firm about their feelings from the get-go, and not let the subject of sexual incompatibility go unspoken in the hopes it will work itself out.

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People don't know how they will feel years down the road. People don't know how they'll feel in situations they've never been in. It's easy for a sexual to say "sure, no sex!" and it's not too hard for an asexual to say "sure, I'll compromise!", but the reality of those lifestyles very well may prove too difficult. Not knowing that ahead of time doesn't mean it was deceitful.

But yes, some people do intentionally lie in the dating scene.

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butterflydreams

People don't know how they will feel years down the road. People don't know how they'll feel in situations they've never been in. It's easy for a sexual to say "sure, no sex!" and it's not too hard for an asexual to say "sure, I'll compromise!", but the reality of those lifestyles very well may prove too difficult. Not knowing that ahead of time doesn't mean it was deceitful.

For me (and probably others), this is even true from the asexual perspective. Sure, I probably can't do sex, but I might be interested if the circumstances were right. What are those circumstances? I don't know :(

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It's complicated but yes, I do.

I already know it's something your parents are pushing on you. I'm telling you they're full of shit and they can't make you do ANYTHING you don't want to do.

Again, please don't do this unless it's something YOU want. Becoming family with someone (whether that means kids or not) is not something to be taken lightly.

I have battled with existential depression for about the latter half of my life so far. I have spent much of that time often regretting being alive, and have gone through stages of harboring contempt toward my parents for giving me life when I never asked to be born, as well as contempt for anyone who thought I should be thankful to my parents for being alive. I have been dependent on my mom for all of my life -- not only in a practical sense but also just for a sheer reason to live -- and when it comes down to it, the only reason I am still alive today is because I know she truly wanted me around, and I felt like I at least owed that to her. If I knew that wasn't the case, I would have given up on life a long time ago.

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Hey Turtle, have you heard of compulsory heterosexuality? It's the idea that heterosexual relationships, specifically with women, is assumed and enforced by our society and culture. The term was popularized in the 1980's, and it's a forerunner to the idea of heteronormativity, which is more commonly heard today but doesn't address how women are affected more by it than men in many cultures.

My relationship is a platonic relationship: I live with my zucchini, we cook together, we walk the dog together, we get ice cream together, we watch Netflix together, we buy groceries together, and we even sleep in the same bed but we don't kiss, have sex, or even hold hands much (mostly because my hands get sweaty). This type of relationship absolutely exists, and is absolutely wonderful, and if a platonic relationship is what you want you should hold out for it... don't get yourself in a relationship you don't want with someone you aren't attracted to. Not only would that be horrible for you, but that is cruel to the other party as well.

You feel you have to be in a relationship with a man. Your parents are forcing you to do things you don't like. They sound just like my parents, lol. Even after I came out as an asexual lesbian, my mum said she hopes I marry a man instead one day because she wants me to be "happy." I have been pressured by my parents to be in situations I didn't want to be with, with people I didn't like or want to be around. I understand what it feels like, to feel you have to be in a romantic, sexual relationship with a man.

You don't sound hetero-romantic to me. I don't know what your romantic orientation is, I'm not you. It's okay if you don't know what your romantic orientation is. Don't force yourself to be in a relationship you don't want to be in. You do not have to. I hope one day soon you'll see that. Realizing that for myself was the greatest relief in the world, it took the weight of the world off my chest and I hope you experience that feeling too. :cake:

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The Not So Impossible Girl

I like this thread. I wish more people were aware of the pressures of compulsory (hetero)sexuality.

I'd just kinda like to share a bit of my story...

I'm around pretty much the same age as Galactic Turtle (21-22 ish), and I thought I had to date guys way up until I was about 18. I had this whole timeline in my head when I was younger. I was going to have my first boyfriend at 16. I used to dream about having my first kiss, like it was going to be the greatest thing ever: the last essential piece to falling in love. I was going to have some ridiculously handsome, smart boyfriend in college. I was going to get engaged around 23, and the list goes on. Looking back, at worse those thoughts were the result of some kind of social brainwashing, and at best they were me buying into the lie that your life is supposed to follow a very specific, very narrow sequence of events. I guess I thought that if you don't get them in the right order, life would be much more difficult for you.

But, for realz, having a false sense of security is not worth the difficulty of ending up with a life you didn't actually want in the first place. I consider myself extremely lucky to have had the guts to say "no" for most of the times that I wasn't up for something. 16-18 were really critical years for me. I learned so much about myself and what I actually wanted, and asexuality of course. And I swore to myself I wouldn't get into a relationship with anybody unless I was sure I liked them. The result: I feel pretty happy and #noregrets. Last year I met a dude at school. He was super great. He wanted to be my friend. I wanted to be his friend. We got along really well. I started to feel feelings. I now finally get to experience dating someone out of my own choice. He doesn't pressure me to do sex stuff, or even kiss if I don't want to. It's super great (disclaimer: I'm poly though, so monogamy is not an issue for me. Our relationship is open to additional relationships, if we'd like).

As for family pressure: while I can't recall any of my family members explicitly telling me "you have to get married and have children", somehow I've been voted most-likely-to-get-married-and-have-children out of the rest of my siblings. I guess since I do well in school, have a good chance at getting a high paying job, and am generally a stable person, they think I'm the most likely to end up in a solid enough situation that I could take care of some kids. But it's mostly a situation of "Neither of my siblings want to get married, so if I don't do it, no one will". But you gotta not think like that. What other people do with their lives has nothing to do with what you do with yours. You always have the power to express what you want to do with your life, even if it goes against expectations.

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I just want to point out quickly that how Cupid works, is your profile is more likely to be seen by people who have answered questions in the same way that you have. So he might also have answered ''3 to 4 times a year'' and really not been that fussed at all about touch or sex, which is why you saw each others profiles.

I get that all the time on fetlife, guys saying they'd be fine not having sex with me anyway. But they are only saying that because they assume I'd want it once I got to know them better, then they get bored when they can see it's definitely not going in that direction haha

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Galactic Turtle

It's scary to think that people would lie about being ok with a nonsexual relationship. That's a big reason why I've been wary of most men to begin with...

They don't feel that they're lying. They probably think "That's how he/she feels now; but once we're together, I can get around that."

To be fair, especially with young people still trying to figure our who they are and who they are becoming, they are not wrong 100% of the time.

Which is why asexuals need to be firm about their feelings from the get-go, and not let the subject of sexual incompatibility go unspoken in the hopes it will work itself out.

True. ^_^ I can't even say that I'm asexual though and from what I've seen around me from people my age, you'll find out if you're sexually incompatible within the first few weeks...

People don't know how they will feel years down the road. People don't know how they'll feel in situations they've never been in. It's easy for a sexual to say "sure, no sex!" and it's not too hard for an asexual to say "sure, I'll compromise!", but the reality of those lifestyles very well may prove too difficult. Not knowing that ahead of time doesn't mean it was deceitful.

For me (and probably others), this is even true from the asexual perspective. Sure, I probably can't do sex, but I might be interested if the circumstances were right. What are those circumstances? I don't know :(

A very tricky situation. :(

It's complicated but yes, I do.

I already know it's something your parents are pushing on you. I'm telling you they're full of shit and they can't make you do ANYTHING you don't want to do.

Again, please don't do this unless it's something YOU want. Becoming family with someone (whether that means kids or not) is not something to be taken lightly.

I have battled with existential depression for about the latter half of my life so far. I have spent much of that time often regretting being alive, and have gone through stages of harboring contempt toward my parents for giving me life when I never asked to be born, as well as contempt for anyone who thought I should be thankful to my parents for being alive. I have been dependent on my mom for all of my life -- not only in a practical sense but also just for a sheer reason to live -- and when it comes down to it, the only reason I am still alive today is because I know she truly wanted me around, and I felt like I at least owed that to her. If I knew that wasn't the case, I would have given up on life a long time ago.

I know that ideally, that is the way it should be with people doing whatever they want to do. Marriage is still a few years out for me so it doesn't quite matter right this instant but marriage is a family decision just as much as it is an individual one. My current expectations for a partner are unrealistic and on top of that I can't even look my mom in the eye and tell her I'm asexual because I know there's a long list of reasons waiting that point to me just being extraordinarily out of line and that's a dangerous position to be in. That doesn't mean I'm not looking for somebody that I like in every way but if I keep being picky and turn away perfectly good people then it reflects badly on me. If I say that I'm still looking into asexual things instead of exposing myself to situations that involve touch and sex like I'm supposed to be doing then that's also not good and shows that I still haven't matured enough to make the best decisions about relationships which gives my parents even more reason to step in and try to help me. Perhaps I'm not as pressed for time as I sometimes think I am but I feel like I just need to find somebody to show that I'm at least the slightest bit capable. The fact that sexuality has even been brought up as a topic of discussion in my house is already more than anyone signed up for.

Hey Turtle, have you heard of compulsory heterosexuality? It's the idea that heterosexual relationships, specifically with women, is assumed and enforced by our society and culture. The term was popularized in the 1980's, and it's a forerunner to the idea of heteronormativity, which is more commonly heard today but doesn't address how women are affected more by it than men in many cultures.

My relationship is a platonic relationship: I live with my zucchini, we cook together, we walk the dog together, we get ice cream together, we watch Netflix together, we buy groceries together, and we even sleep in the same bed but we don't kiss, have sex, or even hold hands much (mostly because my hands get sweaty). This type of relationship absolutely exists, and is absolutely wonderful, and if a platonic relationship is what you want you should hold out for it... don't get yourself in a relationship you don't want with someone you aren't attracted to. Not only would that be horrible for you, but that is cruel to the other party as well.

You feel you have to be in a relationship with a man. Your parents are forcing you to do things you don't like. They sound just like my parents, lol. Even after I came out as an asexual lesbian, my mum said she hopes I marry a man instead one day because she wants me to be "happy." I have been pressured by my parents to be in situations I didn't want to be with, with people I didn't like or want to be around. I understand what it feels like, to feel you have to be in a romantic, sexual relationship with a man.

You don't sound hetero-romantic to me. I don't know what your romantic orientation is, I'm not you. It's okay if you don't know what your romantic orientation is. Don't force yourself to be in a relationship you don't want to be in. You do not have to. I hope one day soon you'll see that. Realizing that for myself was the greatest relief in the world, it took the weight of the world off my chest and I hope you experience that feeling too. :cake:

That's an interesting concept and your relationship sounds like a great one. That's exactly what I want! ^_^ How did you manage to pull that off? I'm pretty sure I had a crush on somebody once though so that must mean I'm heteroromantic? I wanted to do all of the things with him that you do with your partner though... but I do really think I liked him so wouldn't that still be romantic? It just doesn't seem like anyone would be up for that type of relationship. No one I've ever met in my entire life even seems to think that that would be possible... but what you have is amazing. That would definitely be ideal. While even if it would be great to not end up in a sexual relationship with a man I definitely have to end up in a relationship that looks like that from the outside. I'm trying to get out of a situation where I have to have sex over and over again until I'm not afraid of it anymore.

I like this thread. I wish more people were aware of the pressures of compulsory (hetero)sexuality.

I'd just kinda like to share a bit of my story...

I'm around pretty much the same age as Galactic Turtle (21-22 ish), and I thought I had to date guys way up until I was about 18. I had this whole timeline in my head when I was younger. I was going to have my first boyfriend at 16. I used to dream about having my first kiss, like it was going to be the greatest thing ever: the last essential piece to falling in love. I was going to have some ridiculously handsome, smart boyfriend in college. I was going to get engaged around 23, and the list goes on. Looking back, at worse those thoughts were the result of some kind of social brainwashing, and at best they were me buying into the lie that your life is supposed to follow a very specific, very narrow sequence of events. I guess I thought that if you don't get them in the right order, life would be much more difficult for you.

But, for realz, having a false sense of security is not worth the difficulty of ending up with a life you didn't actually want in the first place. I consider myself extremely lucky to have had the guts to say "no" for most of the times that I wasn't up for something. 16-18 were really critical years for me. I learned so much about myself and what I actually wanted, and asexuality of course. And I swore to myself I wouldn't get into a relationship with anybody unless I was sure I liked them. The result: I feel pretty happy and #noregrets. Last year I met a dude at school. He was super great. He wanted to be my friend. I wanted to be his friend. We got along really well. I started to feel feelings. I now finally get to experience dating someone out of my own choice. He doesn't pressure me to do sex stuff, or even kiss if I don't want to. It's super great (disclaimer: I'm poly though, so monogamy is not an issue for me. Our relationship is open to additional relationships, if we'd like).

As for family pressure: while I can't recall any of my family members explicitly telling me "you have to get married and have children", somehow I've been voted most-likely-to-get-married-and-have-children out of the rest of my siblings. I guess since I do well in school, have a good chance at getting a high paying job, and am generally a stable person, they think I'm the most likely to end up in a solid enough situation that I could take care of some kids. But it's mostly a situation of "Neither of my siblings want to get married, so if I don't do it, no one will". But you gotta not think like that. What other people do with their lives has nothing to do with what you do with yours. You always have the power to express what you want to do with your life, even if it goes against expectations.

Your relationship sounds great too. ^_^ I wish I could find people like that...

I just want to point out quickly that how Cupid works, is your profile is more likely to be seen by people who have answered questions in the same way that you have. So he might also have answered ''3 to 4 times a year'' and really not been that fussed at all about touch or sex, which is why you saw each others profiles.

I get that all the time on fetlife, guys saying they'd be fine not having sex with me anyway. But they are only saying that because they assume I'd want it once I got to know them better, then they get bored when they can see it's definitely not going in that direction haha

On OKC, people's questions always match up with mine until it comes to sex. XD I get an oddly large amount of "sapiosexual" people talking to me but (excuse my ignorance) they all just seem like sexual people who don't want to end up with an idiot.

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Yup. My last boyfriend told me he was alright with me being asexual, and then, not even a week later, tried stuff with me that he'd never done before, that I wasn't into, without my consent. He cut me off completely before I could try to discuss the situation with him (without even breaking up with me or giving me an explanation) and he never did stuff like that before I told him outright that I was asexual. I'm not saying this guy isn't gonna put in his best effort, or that all guys who say they're okay with your asexuality are gonna end up like my guy. Your guy seems like someone good to test the waters with. And if it doesn't work out with him, that would stink, but I hope for you that he's honest and considerate of you and your boundaries regardless of whether or not he shares them with you. :)

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