Successful break up with new problems

[AJ Thompson]

Months ago I posted a question asking for advice about breaking up with my boyfriend, as though I had tried to make it work it quickly became obvious that he was just too emotionally needy and I am too emotionally oblivious. In good news: I received great advice and the break up actually went well. Turns out he respected my honesty and unfortunately we were both playing the role of the ‘break-up chicken' the entire time. We both knew it wasn’t working but didn’t want to be the bad guy of the situation. We’ve successfully separated and are maintaining a friendship which we’re both much more comfortable with.

Yet, I have a few problems that resulted from this break up. Strangely, none of them have to do with him.

They unfortunately have to do with my own parents. When I tell people that my parents already had me walking down the aisle with my now ex-boyfriend I wish I was being more figurative than literal. My mother was extremely hurt by the event and keeps voicing her pitying “I just don’t want you to be alone” comments that grind my gears. However she has swallowed her pride and admitted that it’s my own life and I make my own decisions.

My father on the other hand, is a completely different story. My father’s never lacked for anger and it’s true that he throws his hissy fits when things don’t work out the way he wants them to. And this was something he wanted to work. Of course, like most overly angry people who thinks the world is wrong and they’re right he tends to talk trash about whatever pisses him off. I won’t lie that subject is often my mother and I and he’s called us every name under the sun. I’m used to that honestly. Breaking up with my boyfriend though was a new level of anger. His comments were really all over the place but his favorite by far was: “He’s going to go do something stupid because you broke up with him.”

Now I don’t really need anyone telling me the obvious here. If my ex does do something stupid than that’s his choice-not mine and I can’t be held responsible for another person’s actions whether they were in a past relationship with me or not. As I said previously as well, our break up actually went smoothly and I don’t get the vibe that he’s going to run out and start up a cult or off himself.

While annoying my father’s opinion is something I have accepted is just not going to change and I’d be a fool to waste any more energy on it.

But of course those unforeseen consequences of breaking up have come full circle. First and foremost I no longer have the defense of a boyfriend. Now I don’t personally care if I’m dating anyone or not but I admit it did go quite a ways in reflecting other potential partners away from me as flirting really annoys me. I don’t blame others for flirting because they’re normally not demeaning about it and let off when I make it clear I’m not interested. However, as of late, I have run into a number of individuals that ‘won’t take a hint?’ Oh who am I kidding I couldn’t hint or be subtle if my life depended on it. I outright state I’m not interested. So I need new advice here: what are some methods you use to tell others that you’re not interested? Obviously, the direct approach isn’t working.

My second problem is a combination of my father and my schooling. I’m female, I attend ITT and I’m currently pursuing a degree in networking. This is one of those unfortunate waivers of society. I have come out to my parents and friends as Asexual and Panaromantic and I have to be blunt here; only one person has had a positive response to this news. Unfortunately, neither of my parents were said person. They’re still under the illusion that I’m a late-blooming heterosexual. Now being a female tech-lover has its advantages and disadvantages. Namely, that most of the education and work force in my area is male. Ergo, most of my friends in my classes…are male. 95% of my school’s population is male. Fortunate for me as I can work with them fine, unfortunate for me as my father is now making more assumptions.

Let me lay this out. I have three close friends at my school that are all male:

Sam (30 years old currently pursuing a divorce from his wife with a ten year old son)

John (28 years old currently engaged with two children)

Nick (19 years old and fresh out of high school)

My father’s favorite assumption right now is that I broke up with my ex to pursue with a relationship with Sam.

Now I care about Sam. I really do but not for the assumed reason that I want a relationship from him. We’ve connected a lot and have a lot in common. And there were three instances where I realized this was a really great person to have around. One, I’m an asthmatic in a school full of smokers so I have to use my inhaler a lot. Sam knows if I’m hard of breath and not moving that I need my inhaler quickly but can’t reach for it so he will and he never looked down on me for that. In tandem I learned that he’s a diabetic and if he’s ever hunched over holding his head or swaying that he’s close to blacking out and I need to get his attention or get his insulin in him immediately. He liked that I wasn’t freaked out by the fact he has to stick a needle in his stomach ever so often.

Of course, heaven forbid I connect to someone who has to deal with an extra health problem like I do.

Secondly, I mentioned that there was one person I told about being Ace that had a positive reaction? Yep, it was him. Before I told him about it I had told seven other people-two of them being my parents. As you can probably guess they were all horrible reactions.

Dad: Ignores it.

Mom: “It’s just a phase. You’ll get over it.”

BFF: “That doesn’t make any sense.”

Classmates:

“Then how can you have a boyfriend?”

“You just need to let someone fuck you.”

“But…you’re hot. That’s impossible.”

“You mean celibate, right?”

You’ve all probably heard them before.

But what did Sam do? This time was once I came out in a roundabout way. Instead of admitting it openly, I motioned to the Ace wristbands I wear and told him the answer was in the pattern. I expected, like the others he would only ask more questions, then respond with one of those comments above or ignore it completely. Nope. Took out his phone and immediately looked up the pattern (The Ace Flag) and began reading. Of course I was sitting there about ready to bite through my own lip as he was reading. He put down the phone when he was done reading and said, “Oh, yeah I can see that. Makes perfect sense.”

I’m not often emotional but did I want, for the first time in forever, to openly weep in relief.

I assure everyone that asks that there’s no romantic connection between us but it won’t reach my father. He can’t follow me into my classes, as he’s pursuing a different degree, thank spirits, (when we were in a stable financial situation last year and I decided to further my education he decided to get his Electrical Engineering Associate’s at the same time as he had lost a lot of job opportunities due to the absence of one) but anytime I’m talking with Sam or even John or Nick outside of class he injects himself right into the conversation and the one time I tried to man up and say: “Hey I’m having a conversation with my friend, do you mind leaving us alone?” when I got home I was reduced to a pathetic whimpering mess when my father was done insulting me for ‘hurting his feelings.’ He loves using that one when we argue.

I openly admit that part of this is an open rant and that changing my father is impossible, I’ve taken psychology, until he decides to change himself. So in addition to the advice I need for turning away flirts...how would you go about convincing a parent that you’re not romantically interested in a close friend?

[Salted Karamel]

As far as the parent thing goes, I really wouldn't? My father is an idiot with many wrong opinions ("wrong" meaning both "morally wrong" and also "incorrect beliefs about things that are actually factually wrong") and lacks the ability to understand logic, reasoning, or anything he doesn't want to believe.

But I'm 31 and I live in a different state. I see him 1-3 times a year, during which I usually spend a few days letting him spew whatever he recently absorbed from Fox News with a series of diplomatic "mhmm"s and non-answers. Occasionally I am able to come up with a well-placed change of subject. Sometimes I need to outright tell him I'm not here to debate politics (because he will try to set me up as his straw man and then tell me why "I'm" wrong about opinions he just assigned to me). Every now and then I need to hang back and apologize to someone he was just openly racist to. (I've tried educating him; it doesn't work.)

Unfortunately it sounds like your dad is emotionally abusive beyond just being thick-headed, and that's tougher. But someday you'll be able to distance yourself from his harmful influence on you, and in the meantime maybe you just need to "mhmm" his words into oblivion.

I don't understand the question about turning away flirts. I don't think anyone's flirted with me in years, but if they don't understand a clear lack of interest, a polite no, or even a hard no, then I've always found a drink poured on the crotch or minor bodily injury to have done the trick.

[AJ Thompson]

As far as the parent thing goes, I really wouldn't? My father is an idiot with many wrong opinions ("wrong" meaning both "morally wrong" and also "incorrect beliefs about things that are actually factually wrong") and lacks the ability to understand logic, reasoning, or anything he doesn't want to believe.

But I'm 31 and I live in a different state. I see him 1-3 times a year, during which I usually spend a few days letting him spew whatever he recently absorbed from Fox News with a series of diplomatic "mhmm"s and non-answers. Occasionally I am able to come up with a well-placed change of subject. Sometimes I need to outright tell him I'm not here to debate politics (because he will try to set me up as his straw man and then tell me why "I'm" wrong about opinions he just assigned to me). Every now and then I need to hang back and apologize to someone he was just openly racist to. (I've tried educating him; it doesn't work.)

Unfortunately it sounds like your dad is emotionally abusive beyond just being thick-headed, and that's tougher. But someday you'll be able to distance yourself from his harmful influence on you, and in the meantime maybe you just need to "mhmm" his words into oblivion.

I don't understand the question about turning away flirts. I don't think anyone's flirted with me in years, but if they don't understand a clear lack of interest, a polite no, or even a hard no, then I've always found a drink poured on the crotch or minor bodily injury to have done the trick.

OK, "mhmm" his rants. I'll try that. And yeah I have had to apologize to quite a few people for his often bigoted rants and comments before as well. I can level with that.

As for the flirts...OK I will finally admit it in some form I'm...attractive. I don't particularly know why (don't actually believe it three-quarters of the time) and I don't believe it really matters because it's never gotten me anything out of life except for annoying flirts who are more concerned with my body than my actual interests. I think I'll try the drink thing as since I box and shoot I often punch harder than I intend to.

[Wiseja1987]

It sounds like you already have a good grasp of how awful your parent's (especially your dad's) behavior is. Kudos. lots of people in your situation have a hard time seeing that because of the family bonds at play (I know I did). Moving out when/if you can may be your best option, because you're perfectly right that he's not going to change, and trying to control you and make you feel bad seems to be his favorite hobby.

If possible, you may want to reach out to counseling services offered through the school, or a campus LGBT+ gruop (if you haven't already). Or basically find some kind of group community that can support you. you already sound like you have made at least one fantastic friend and have great boundary skills, so maybe finding a community that's more generally supportive is something that would be helpful.

As for the 'flirting' (i.e. creeptastic cpreepsters) no 'hinting' will work if direct no's don't. In my experience, adults know exactly what they are doing and should be held accountable for their actions. if someone refuses to leave you alone when you clearly state you aren't interested, then it's a very safe bet that person doesn't care that you aren't interested, and is a dangerous person at best. Apart from the advice above, Maybe start documenting the ones that raise your hackles. Patterns of behavior are often easier for organizations (like school or work) to address than isolated incidents. And if you have to ask for an authority figure to step in, it helps to have that pattern documented.

Other than that, let your inner incredible hulk out when creeps decide you'd be good target practice. you owe them nothing.