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FaerieFate

Helpful info for those questioning their (a)sexuality

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Careco

Hello.. I'm new here and filled with anxiety, but I would like to share my own story(?) here. Excuse my grammar and such, this is not my native language.

 

I'm 21 and I haven't really felt romantic or sexual feelings/desire for anybody. I have had thoughts like "that person is cute.", but that's it.  I haven't had sex and I don't really want to. It's not a childish fear of sex or how would I know if I haven't tried it, it just seems unappealing to me. My mom calls me selfish and my psychologist told me to stop labeling myself after I thought of myself as asexual.

 

I guess I'm just really looking for some advice and support. I'm only just learning about asexuality and where I myself fit, but this thread has been a great help already.

 

Thanks.  ^_^

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TheAngel(of)Peace
3 hours ago, Careco said:

Hello.. I'm new here and filled with anxiety, but I would like to share my own story(?) here. Excuse my grammar and such, this is not my native language.

 

I'm 21 and I haven't really felt romantic or sexual feelings/desire for anybody. I have had thoughts like "that person is cute.", but that's it.  I haven't had sex and I don't really want to. It's not a childish fear of sex or how would I know if I haven't tried it, it just seems unappealing to me. My mom calls me selfish and my psychologist told me to stop labeling myself after I thought of myself as asexual.

 

I guess I'm just really looking for some advice and support. I'm only just learning about asexuality and where I myself fit, but this thread has been a great help already.

 

Thanks.  ^_^

It sounds like you are likely asexual and aromantic. I'm sorry that people in your life don't understand, and I hope you find people who support you.

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FaerieFate
5 hours ago, Careco said:

Hello.. I'm new here and filled with anxiety, but I would like to share my own story(?) here. Excuse my grammar and such, this is not my native language.

 

I'm 21 and I haven't really felt romantic or sexual feelings/desire for anybody. I have had thoughts like "that person is cute.", but that's it.  I haven't had sex and I don't really want to. It's not a childish fear of sex or how would I know if I haven't tried it, it just seems unappealing to me. My mom calls me selfish and my psychologist told me to stop labeling myself after I thought of myself as asexual.

 

I guess I'm just really looking for some advice and support. I'm only just learning about asexuality and where I myself fit, but this thread has been a great help already.

 

Thanks.  ^_^

I'm glad the thread helped you!

 

If you think that the label of asexual is right for you, then don't listen to what anyone else thinks. A lot of doctors can be rude when it comes to asexuality. There's a few horror stories of doctors thinking there's something wrong with their patient because they are asexual and trying to "fix" the person. I assure you, there's nothing wrong with being asexual and nothing you need to "fix".

 

In terms of your mom saying you're selfish, don't listen to her. There's a lot of ways for an asexual to have a relationship. Obviously the most obvious way is by being with another asexual, but compromise is a big thing in any relationship. I've dated guys that weren't bothered by me not wanting sex. I'd be open to having sex if it made my partner happy as there are benefits to having sex. Or, if neither would work there's always the option of an open relationship so that he can get his sex elsewhere if you can't give him that. Just, it's a relationship. You're two people, and you'll need to compromise on SOMETHING! Even sexual relationships compromise on sex all the time if they have 2 different sex drives.

 

And your English was very good. I don't think I noticed any mistakes in your grammar. However, since you can speak more than English, you might benefit from our alternate language forums?

 

http://www.asexuality.org/en/forum/23-alternate-language-forum/

 

Feel free to continue posting here, but there's also forums with other languages too if that helps too.

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BritishGentleman

What about asexuals who masterbate and dont like it? Are there ways to avoid masterbation?

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FaerieFate
On 11/10/2017 at 8:58 PM, BritishGentleman said:

What about asexuals who masterbate and dont like it? Are there ways to avoid masterbation?

I apologize, for I can't answer this question. This is solely a thread for those that may be unsure if they are asexual, and not a thread to give advice about how to live as an asexual. I suggest you make a new thread in the board with your question to get some good advice.

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Achromatic Kitty

As promised, here's my definition of what being asexual is to me:

 

I simply DGAFF.

 

I mean sex and romance to me is like water and oil... No matter how hard you shake it, they won't come together as one fluid. They'll be separated as ever. The oil on top and water on the bottom. That's how sex and romance feel to me as an aro-ace. Me on top, and the sex and romance craze on the bottom.  I'm happy with me not being mixed well into that water. And frankly, I'm not saddened I can't get laid. I have no desire to. I just like friendships. Strictly a friendship man for now. Who knows? I might have that friend who wants my kids and to please them, i do have sex. But that doesn't mean I'm not aro-ace. I'm still am if that happens.

 

That is all I thought of saying.

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Rhia

I have identified as bisexual for years but have come to realize that despite feeling attraction to other i have no desire for sexual activity with others. Can asexual people still find people sexually attractive and find appeal in the idea of them if not actually want to have sexual relations with them? 

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Purefox94

Sorry if this is all over the place and in the wrong area. I'm 23 and a female (though I don't really identify as male or female). My problem is that I have Aspergers, mild autism, and I'm not 100 percent if I'm asexual or if my autism is affecting how I feel. Because of my autism I hate any form of physical contact, it feels confining, but as well as that I've never, as far as I know, experienced sexual attraction to anybody, male or female. I have tried touching myself but never got anything out of it. I guess I'm posting to see if they're any other Aspies who identify as asexual without worry that it's their brain that's wrong. I don't mean that as an insult I just suck at writing my thoughts down. Sorry again about the messy, long and potentially in the wrong area post. 

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TheAngel(of)Peace
9 minutes ago, Purefox94 said:

Sorry if this is all over the place and in the wrong area. I'm 23 and a female (though I don't really identify as male or female). My problem is that I have Aspergers, mild autism, and I'm not 100 percent if I'm asexual or if my autism is affecting how I feel. Because of my autism I hate any form of physical contact, it feels confining, but as well as that I've never, as far as I know, experienced sexual attraction to anybody, male or female. I have tried touching myself but never got anything out of it. I guess I'm posting to see if they're any other Aspies who identify as asexual without worry that it's their brain that's wrong. I don't mean that as an insult I just suck at writing my thoughts down. Sorry again about the messy, long and potentially in the wrong area post. 

I also have Asperger's, and I don't worry about whether my asexuality is affected by my autism. Sure, it may be, but that doesn't invalidate my orientation. There are many asexual Aspies, but there are also many sexual ones. I think being touch-averse due to autism is a separate thing; a sexual autistic person would still desire sex, even if they were uncomfortable with physical contact. If you don't experience sexual attraction, you can call yourself asexual.

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Purefox94
22 hours ago, TheAP said:

I also have Asperger's, and I don't worry about whether my asexuality is affected by my autism. Sure, it may be, but that doesn't invalidate my orientation. There are many asexual Aspies, but there are also many sexual ones. I think being touch-averse due to autism is a separate thing; a sexual autistic person would still desire sex, even if they were uncomfortable with physical contact. If you don't experience sexual attraction, you can call yourself asexual.

Thank you for your answer. If what you say is true, that some Aspies do indeed experience sexual attraction, then it's safe for me too say I'm asexual. Thank you for your help.

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FaerieFate
On 11/20/2017 at 11:30 PM, Rhia said:

I have identified as bisexual for years but have come to realize that despite feeling attraction to other i have no desire for sexual activity with others. Can asexual people still find people sexually attractive and find appeal in the idea of them if not actually want to have sexual relations with them? 

Sorry for late reply. You should probably read these two posts.

 

 

Also, if those two don't help answer your question, try reading this post.

 

 

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FAT_WHITE_LIE

Sorry for this long post...I am new here and not very sure about my sexuality. Any help is greatly appreciated!!

-General info: I am 20 and female.

 

-Sexual experience: 

I have had crushes since middle school, but never experienced sexual desire towards them. My crushes have been quite superficial and have little to do with partnership between 2 ppl. My crushes attract me because they are passionate about their work/major (e.g. Math, CS, psychology) and pursue them with little worldly consideration. As a pragmatic/calculative person, I am in awe. 

I have been on casual dating once and the pre game almost felt like a violation. My date asked me if I want to sit & talk in his car for a while. Wanting things to be in my control, I offered him to talk at my apartment instead, not knowing that this is viewed as an invitation to sex. Later I agreed to try different things in the pre game list, but did not enjoy any of the activities. 

 

-View on the appeal of sex: 

I never quite understood it. When I was younger I always thought that TV is exaggerating when it shows people watching porn and getting aroused. I mean isn't it boring watching the same activity over and over again? However later on I found out that many people actually are interested in having sex and find it enjoyable.  

 

-Alternative explanation: 

It is possible that I don't think about/enjoy sex because of my insecurity & control issues. As I have mentioned I brought my date to my apartment instead of staying in his car because of control issues. Maybe I only hated the pre game because he was doing most of the work & suggested all of the activities while I lost control on my own territory. In general, to have sex for a female is to have sth. inserted in the genital, which can be viewed as a lose of control over one's body. This may be unappealing to think about for my brain.

To illustrate the extent of my control issue: I HATE it when ppl insist to pay for my meal unless he/she is a long term friend. I only accept help when I KNOW I can help/benefit this person in another area to similar degree. I spent majority of my summer salary on a car so I won't have to be offered a ride and can offer people rides......

 

What do you guys think? Am I asexual? Or am I just a bit control freak? 

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TheAngel(of)Peace

@FAT_WHITE_LIE It sounds like you could be asexual. My advice is not to worry about other factors that you think might have "caused" the lack of interest in sex. As long as you don't experience sexual attraction to anyone, you can call yourself asexual.

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GreenTune

Because of my annoying libido so many things except people make me a little aroused! Sometimes to the point I'm not sure about my sexuality anymore. 

But that's because I'm just an asexual 17yo teenager, right? Just the hormones and stuff? Will it go away when I'm over puberty?

I really don't want to have sex, ever. I'm not attracted sexualy to anyone, but sometimes when I'm aroused I just... I don't know, I want to be passionate? Like, I really want to kiss a guy. And cuddle and just be close with someone. And maybe touched a little as well? I just don't know what to think about it.

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FaerieFate
1 hour ago, GreenTune said:

Because of my annoying libido so many things except people make me a little aroused! Sometimes to the point I'm not sure about my sexuality anymore. 

But that's because I'm just an asexual 17yo teenager, right? Just the hormones and stuff? Will it go away when I'm over puberty?

I really don't want to have sex, ever. I'm not attracted sexualy to anyone, but sometimes when I'm aroused I just... I don't know, I want to be passionate? Like, I really want to kiss a guy. And cuddle and just be close with someone. And maybe touched a little as well? I just don't know what to think about it.

Having a sex-drive/libido doesn't make you less asexual. Though I'd suggest you read this thread for more info on that.

 

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Dinosaur

I was talking with a friend recently about someone i had a crush on. She asked me if when he touched me there was like a sparky ooooooo feeling. I said yes and she said maybe im not entirely asexual. Does my experience of this sensation mean that I'm not asexual? Basically is it a sexual feeling? 

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FaerieFate
8 minutes ago, Dinosaur said:

I was talking with a friend recently about someone i had a crush on. She asked me if when he touched me there was like a sparky ooooooo feeling. I said yes and she said maybe im not entirely asexual. Does my experience of this sensation mean that I'm not asexual? Basically is it a sexual feeling? 

That's a natural response to stimulation and is no indicator of your sexuality. 

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Lostandalone

Sooo, I'm 21 and lately, I've been thinking I'm asexual. I am a woman, and that's never been a question, but I think It's important for my later explanations. The thought of being asexual thoroughly freaks me out, but not because of what asexuality is. Growing up, the LGBTQ+ community was never really stressed: my grandma is bisexual, but it was just considered normal. It was never explained as to what that actually meant. 

As for my future, I see myself getting married and having kids, but the thought of having sexual intimate relationships kind of freaks me out. I practically had an anxiety attack because my best friend said I needed to hook up with a guy to relieve some tension or frustration. I've had a couple breakdowns since then because I've felt "abnormal" and I don't know how to act as asexual, if that makes sense. 

For the majority of my life, I've considered myself to be straight, and I had how to "act" down for that. I feel that I can "act" straight with no problems. But then I realized "hey, girls are pretty great too. Maybe I like girls, too. Maybe I'm bisexual." To this, I felt like I had to be a bit more open and say more promiscuous things and be more outward about my sexuality and how I identify. But, now since I'm pretty sure that asexuality is the right term for what I'm feeling, I'm not sure if there's a certain way I should act. I feel like there's something different I should be doing, or that there is some other way I should be doing things, is that there should be some kind of outward actions I should be doing to help me, and my peers and potential romantic partners, know that sex isn't an option with me? If there's not, how can I make it more normal for me so I'm not breaking down and I can normalize it in my head?

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Dinosaur
16 hours ago, FaerieFate said:

That's a natural response to stimulation and is no indicator of your sexuality. 

Thank you! I'm so happy the internet was created and there are wonderful people like you to help!

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FaerieFate
1 hour ago, Dinosaur said:

Thank you! I'm so happy the internet was created and there are wonderful people like you to help!

Glad to be of some help. I think you'll benefit from this list! I meant to link it to you earlier, but I wasn't on my computer.

 

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FaerieFate
9 hours ago, Lostandalone said:

Sooo, I'm 21 and lately, I've been thinking I'm asexual. I am a woman, and that's never been a question, but I think It's important for my later explanations. The thought of being asexual thoroughly freaks me out, but not because of what asexuality is. Growing up, the LGBTQ+ community was never really stressed: my grandma is bisexual, but it was just considered normal. It was never explained as to what that actually meant. 

As for my future, I see myself getting married and having kids, but the thought of having sexual intimate relationships kind of freaks me out. I practically had an anxiety attack because my best friend said I needed to hook up with a guy to relieve some tension or frustration. I've had a couple breakdowns since then because I've felt "abnormal" and I don't know how to act as asexual, if that makes sense. 

For the majority of my life, I've considered myself to be straight, and I had how to "act" down for that. I feel that I can "act" straight with no problems. But then I realized "hey, girls are pretty great too. Maybe I like girls, too. Maybe I'm bisexual." To this, I felt like I had to be a bit more open and say more promiscuous things and be more outward about my sexuality and how I identify. But, now since I'm pretty sure that asexuality is the right term for what I'm feeling, I'm not sure if there's a certain way I should act. I feel like there's something different I should be doing, or that there is some other way I should be doing things, is that there should be some kind of outward actions I should be doing to help me, and my peers and potential romantic partners, know that sex isn't an option with me? If there's not, how can I make it more normal for me so I'm not breaking down and I can normalize it in my head?

I think it's very harmful to "act" a certain way because of your identity. Not only is it harmful to the community you identify with because it normalizes stereotypes, but it's also harmful to you because you're not being faithful to yourself. My best advice is act the way you want to, not the way that you're expected to because of your identity.

 

But if that doesn't help, there's no real way to "act" asexual. Since a lot of people think romantic and sexual attraction are the same thing, you can't really "act" biromantic asexual or whatever your romantic identity is. Because they'll just associate you with your romantic identity. My best advice is if you want someone to know you're asexual, just tell them. Explain what that means, and why you identify as such. Sit down and have a conversation about it. Answer any questions that they have.

 

I understand the struggle of wanting your romantic partners to know your sexual identity. It's really important they know that you're asexual, especially if that means sex is off the table. My best advice for that is first few dates just don't worry about it. If they suggest it, politely turn them down. Then when things start to get serious, sit down and have that talk with them. Yeah, some guys get mad and feel that they are "owed" sex, but any decent person will be understanding of their partner. Also, for some that's a deal breaker, and that's fine too. Everyone needs something different in a relationship, so that just means you're not a good match.

 

Hope this all helps! For more advice I suggest asking either in "Asexual Relationships" or "For Sexual Partners, Friends, and Allies." for some advice on how to pursue a relationship with a sexual partner. Both forums have some solid regulars that'll give good advice. Also, some asexuals just prefer to have relationships with other asexuals. That's totally cool too because then there's no pressure.

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Always looking for answers

I've registered yesterday and for the last few weeks I think I might be asexual. However, I'm not sure. 

You see, I don't feel, and never felt, any sexual attraction so I would fit that criterium, but.... My lack of sexual interest could just as easily be the result of my upbringing (my mom brainwashed me from a very young age, like toddler-age, that 'sex is painful and dirty but if I would like my husband to stay with me when I was an adult, I would have to give him sex because otherwise he would run away and I would be alone forever'.
When I was a teenager I was sexually abused, this was my first time having sex and indeed it hurt a lot... After that I had several relationships and I never liked the sex because it still hurt, and almost all of the relationships ended because of my lack of interest for sex.

I suppose my question is this: if it's just as likely possible that I never felt sexual attraction due to taught beliefs and sexual assault, how will I ever be able to figure out if I'm asexual or just traumatized? 

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FaerieFate
7 minutes ago, Always looking for answers said:

I've registered yesterday and for the last few weeks I think I might be asexual. However, I'm not sure. 

You see, I don't feel, and never felt, any sexual attraction so I would fit that criterium, but.... My lack of sexual interest could just as easily be the result of my upbringing (my mom brainwashed me from a very young age, like toddler-age, that 'sex is painful and dirty but if I would like my husband to stay with me when I was an adult, I would have to give him sex because otherwise he would run away and I would be alone forever'.
When I was a teenager I was sexually abused, this was my first time having sex and indeed it hurt a lot... After that I had several relationships and I never liked the sex because it still hurt, and almost all of the relationships ended because of my lack of interest for sex.

I suppose my question is this: if it's just as likely possible that I never felt sexual attraction due to taught beliefs and sexual assault, how will I ever be able to figure out if I'm asexual or just traumatized? 

In terms of the, "Sex hurts" thing, I's suggest going to gynecologist to talk to them about that. Anything that the doctor says doesn't explain away your asexuality. I just want to make sure you're healthy, as there's a lot of possible underlying causes of that which could be important to your health. But it could just be because of your negative history with sex which makes you nervous before the act, which causes involuntary spasms.

 

But as you'll see in this post, nothing effects your asexuality. If you're asexual then you're asexual, regardless of any sexual assault, negative experiences with sex, or brainwashing you may have experienced.

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Always looking for answers
1 minute ago, FaerieFate said:

In terms of the, "Sex hurts" thing, I's suggest going to gynecologist to talk to them about that. Anything that the doctor says doesn't explain away your asexuality. I just want to make sure you're healthy, as there's a lot of possible underlying causes of that which could be important to your health. But it could just be because of your negative history with sex which makes you nervous before the act, which causes involuntary spasms.

 

But as you'll see in this post, nothing effects your asexuality. If you're asexual then you're asexual, regardless of any sexual assault, negative experiences with sex, or brainwashing you may have experienced.

@FaerieFate Thank you for replying this quickly :) 

I went to a doctor and got diagnosed with vaginismus 20 years ago. Recently got a botox treatment for that and now I've figured out that 'okay, I CAN have sex, but just DON'T WANT to'. It's like after the treatment I suddenly realized that I wanted to have sex because that's what is expected from me in a relationship and I want a relationship, so i always did what was expected without ever questioning if I wanted it because I felt like it (sounds stupid, I know). Now I know I have the option to have sex, I don't care for it.

 

I read the post you're linking to. Probably I find it hard to recognize I'm asexual in a group with lots of aces, when I can't know for sure if I would have felt the same way about sex if I wasn't brainwashed or traumatized. 
And I think it doesn't help a lot that the few sexual people I talk to IRL about my doubts tell me "well you've been through so much, I wouldn't want to hace sex with those experiences either". Makes me feel like I need some fixing and after that I should be fine with having sex, while I really doubt if fixing would solve anything ;) 

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