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FaerieFate

Helpful info for those questioning their (a)sexuality

Recommended Posts

FaerieFate
23 hours ago, Telperion said:

Hi, so um, I'm rather new to figuring out my sexuality. I'm not terribly young, or old (I'm only 26) but I've been questioning it a lot lately. I turned to a Facebook page today for help, and they suggested a blog which had this site on it. This is what I sent the Facebook group: So, I'm not sure who to turn to. I came to the realization a few months ago that I'm demi-sexual. And I've tried coming out to a few friends and family. With the exception of one friend, everyone has told me that I haven't met the right guy, I just need really intimate trust in order to have sex, or that I'm just super picky. And since trying the online dating thing, I think I might like the idea of a relationship but I'm not sure I actually want one (is there such a thing?). So, now I'm super confused. Am I asexual or just confused? Is there something wrong about the fact that I feel no need for sex or a relationship?

Honestly, I'm so super confused now, but I also feel pretty pissed that people think that they know my own feelings better than I do. Can anyone help me with this? I'm seeing a guy (it's not official or anything yet) and I felt pretty uncomfortable when he wanted to snuggle the other day (it wasn't even anything sexual at all), so I'm wondering if that's something that exists too? Being uncomfortable with other people touching or initiating cuddling?

It's okay! No one knows you better than yourself. If someone questions that then just ask them who they are to tell you how you feel.

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FaerieFate
On 5/10/2017 at 6:20 PM, athenahono said:

I just started figuring out my asexuality and romantic orientation and I'm really grateful for this thread and others like it! It's really helped me figure myself out more! I feel more comfortable in my own skin now. Thank you so much! I'm only 17 but this has really helped me!

Glad it helped!

On 5/9/2017 at 3:43 AM, M00SE said:

Hey folks,  I too am full of questions. Is there scientific research, any at all that can explain what causes asexuality? Can it be present at birth, is it similar to homosexuality in that aspect? Okay, so Im 23 year old woman. Im horribly addicted to yuri hentai yet no desire for sexual partnership with a woman though the form of females captivate me.. I have felt sexually attracted to a woman only twice in my life with close personal friends, does that make me demi? Ive avoided sex like the plague for over two decades and I feel crazy for it. How easy is it to find people like you in your areas of residence? What percentage does asexuality make in the US population VS people of other sexualities? I know there hasnt been a whole lot of research compared to other sexualities. Why do you folks think that is? Is asexuality more of a recent discovery?  

Maybe this thread can answer your questions more? If not you know where to find me!

On 5/6/2017 at 0:39 PM, abbiratm said:

I have anxiety and someone suggested I maybe be asexual and I became consumed by thoughts. I experience physical attraction - I have been drawn in by physical appearance but I'm not sure id say aroused. When I like someone I feel the urge to be romantic, to touch them and whenever ive imagined a relationship I've always imagined having sex though the thought doesn't arouse me. I'm not sure if I imagine being in a sexual relationship because I feel sexual attraction or because I know that's what's expected of a relationship. I've had bad experiences with sex in the past and never really found it that enjoyable as it's always been casual. Any thoughts?

But physical attraction isn't the same as sexual attraction. Physical attraction is just aestetic attraction (which I've explained in one of my first posts in the thread). You can think someone is pretty without wanting in their pants. Besides, mental health doesn't affect your sexuality. Don't let other people explain away who you are! You imagine sex in a relationship because that's what society deems as "normal". I imagine myself having ids when I get married, but that doesn't mean I want them. It's just what society deems as "normal" so I feel expected to go with it.

 

The most important advice I can give you is don't let anyone other than yourself label you.

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Koalex

Hello,

 

I realize this thread has been inactive for awhile, but I hope I'm at the right place to ask some questions...

I've read a good amount of posts on this website and thread trying to find others with a similar story to mine. I've read the terminology but I still get confused with the subtleties. Maybe someone could help me clarify!

 

I am 26 years old, have had sex, sexual attraction/desire, masturbate *infrequently* the butterflies, etc. I am currently in a 3-year relationship, but I've been feeling more and more hypocritical towards my partner, whom I love. I don't think in the history of my life that I've ever enjoyed sex the way I always felt I had to *society, right?*. I desire/fantasize and love and need the intimacy, but love-making, ultimately, always felt like a chore, or a duty. I have had negative experiences, granted, that may influence my enjoyment, but nothing truly traumatizing. I have sex *infrequently* to please my partner, and make an effort to give the impression of enjoyment. It's taken a tole, I think, and asexuality has sort of made sense to me, but of course I couldn't be because I can feel desire/arousal *or at least that's what I thought being asexual meant*. I think I might be a gray-A? I just don't know how to explain this to my partner...any thoughts? Anyone similar? I feel quite alone in this self-questioning...

 

sorry for the long-winded post!

 

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Delta105

So this is kind of an old post and I realize this, but I'm really confused right now. I'm thirteen, and it's like I have a personality disorder or something. One day I feel like a gay ace girl, then a Pan-ace genderfluid. I really just need to figure out a word to combine it all together. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna stick with the last one, but I know Pan-ace is probably gonna be confusing for many. So is Panasexuality a thing? Am I allowed to say that I'm a Panasexual Genderfluid or is that like a crime in the LGBTQAI+ world?

-Delta

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FaerieFate
On 5/30/2017 at 8:14 PM, Koalex said:

Hello,

 

I realize this thread has been inactive for awhile, but I hope I'm at the right place to ask some questions...

I've read a good amount of posts on this website and thread trying to find others with a similar story to mine. I've read the terminology but I still get confused with the subtleties. Maybe someone could help me clarify!

 

I am 26 years old, have had sex, sexual attraction/desire, masturbate *infrequently* the butterflies, etc. I am currently in a 3-year relationship, but I've been feeling more and more hypocritical towards my partner, whom I love. I don't think in the history of my life that I've ever enjoyed sex the way I always felt I had to *society, right?*. I desire/fantasize and love and need the intimacy, but love-making, ultimately, always felt like a chore, or a duty. I have had negative experiences, granted, that may influence my enjoyment, but nothing truly traumatizing. I have sex *infrequently* to please my partner, and make an effort to give the impression of enjoyment. It's taken a tole, I think, and asexuality has sort of made sense to me, but of course I couldn't be because I can feel desire/arousal *or at least that's what I thought being asexual meant*. I think I might be a gray-A? I just don't know how to explain this to my partner...any thoughts? Anyone similar? I feel quite alone in this self-questioning...

 

sorry for the long-winded post!

 

No, this thread may not get any activity, but as long as I'm on AVEN I'm still here to answer questions.

 

I really relate to how you feel. Fantasizing and reading about romance and sex is one thing, and I do enjoy it, but when it comes to doing it, I'm not really that interested or into it. I'd do it to make someone else happy, but I don't do it myself. We're not allowed to label people, but I can see you as being asexual like myself. It's not what you fantasize about that determines your sexuality, but you you're sexually attracted to and whether or not you're actually interested in partnered sex. If you don't experience sexual attraction and aren't interested in partnered sex, you'd be asexual. If you only fit into one of these definitions, then you could still call yourself asexual, just there is a lot of debate about these two definitions, so you'd have to deal with that and take a stance on what you find to be the most accurate definition.

 

On 6/1/2017 at 11:33 AM, Delta105 said:

So this is kind of an old post and I realize this, but I'm really confused right now. I'm thirteen, and it's like I have a personality disorder or something. One day I feel like a gay ace girl, then a Pan-ace genderfluid. I really just need to figure out a word to combine it all together. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna stick with the last one, but I know Pan-ace is probably gonna be confusing for many. So is Panasexuality a thing? Am I allowed to say that I'm a Panasexual Genderfluid or is that like a crime in the LGBTQAI+ world?

-Delta

Sexuality and gender can be fluid. Perhaps you're sexual identity is sexually fluid? I'm not sure if there's a term for that, but what I mean is that who you're sexually attracted to changes?

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lilladyeva

Hi I am 30 years old and thinking I may be asexual. I have all the signs. For the past five years I have not desired sex with a partner nor have I felt sexual attraction towards another person.

 

The weird thing is that I used to be heterosexual. I experienced sexual desire and attraction. At some point it disappeared.

 

I spoke to doctors, psychiatrists and therapists but there is nothing physically or psychologically going on with me. I just lost all sexual desire and attraction.

 

Are there other people who have been through this or information on people changing sexualities?

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FaerieFate
1 hour ago, lilladyeva said:

Hi I am 30 years old and thinking I may be asexual. I have all the signs. For the past five years I have not desired sex with a partner nor have I felt sexual attraction towards another person.

 

The weird thing is that I used to be heterosexual. I experienced sexual desire and attraction. At some point it disappeared.

 

I spoke to doctors, psychiatrists and therapists but there is nothing physically or psychologically going on with me. I just lost all sexual desire and attraction.

 

Are there other people who have been through this or information on people changing sexualities?

Sexuality can be fluid, so it's very possible you can be ace now when you weren't in the past. It's also possible the other way around can happen.

 

So if you think you're asexual when you weren't in the past, it's not uncommon or unusual. In fact, it's entirely possible. 

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Jillevan

Hi, I am 18 and very new to this. I was just recently introduced to Asexuality and couldn't shake the familiar feeling. I'm looking for answers. Am I asexual? I have a boyfriend of four years. We have had sex throughout our relationship. I'm not grossed out by it, but I don't desire it like he does. I could go the rest of my life not having sex and I would be totally fine. I do enjoy sex, during, but I hardly initiate it and it sometimes makes me uncomfortable. Foreplay especially, but I do it for him because I know he wants it and I feel obligated to give it to him. My boyfriend knows this, we've talked about how low my sex drive is, he understands and never forces me. I love him very dearly and I find him extremely attractive, but not anyone else, just him. I feel selfish and guilty for not being sex-crazed like everyone else my age. I've been researching all I can to find an answer as to why I am like this. It's been at least a year and a half or two that I've known something is off. I am also self-conscious, anxious and go through bouts of depression so I was sure that was it. But now that I've come across Asexuality I'm not so sure anymore. I'm desperate for answers.

 

I'm sorry for the long post, I could go on longer, but this is the gist of it.

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FaerieFate
1 minute ago, Jillevan said:

Hi, I am 18 and very new to this. I was just recently introduced to Asexuality and couldn't shake the familiar feeling. I'm looking for answers. Am I asexual? I have a boyfriend of four years. We have had sex throughout our relationship. I'm not grossed out by it, but I don't desire it like he does. I could go the rest of my life not having sex and I would be totally fine. I do enjoy sex, during, but I hardly initiate it and it sometimes makes me uncomfortable. Foreplay especially, but I do it for him because I know he wants it and I feel obligated to give it to him. My boyfriend knows this, we've talked about how low my sex drive is, he understands and never forces me. I love him very dearly and I find him extremely attractive, but not anyone else, just him. I feel selfish and guilty for not being sex-crazed like everyone else my age. I've been researching all I can to find an answer as to why I am like this. It's been at least a year and a half or two that I've known something is off. I am also self-conscious, anxious and go through bouts of depression so I was sure that was it. But now that I've come across Asexuality I'm not so sure anymore. I'm desperate for answers.

 

I'm sorry for the long post, I could go on longer, but this is the gist of it.

Long post is fine! Well, I can't tell you if you're asexual, but being sexually active has no affect on your (a)sexuality. So, you can be asexual and still have all of the sex with your boyfriend. There's many reasons why asexuals may have sex. Some may enjoy it, though they don't experience sexual attraction. Some do it as a compromise to their siginificant other or to keep them happy. There's probably a million other reasons.

 

Regardless, if you fit into the definition, if you fit into the definition, it doesn't matter if you have sex or not, you're asexual. I hope this helps!

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Peace88Amy

Growing up, when I was asked who I liked (both celeb and classmates) I was always told I "had to like someone". I never knew what people meant when they said people were cute or hot but I made up an answer so I didn't seem weird. I never persued any relationships or sex. Sometimes I wonder if, at 28, I'm just used to being alone and without sex. For a long time I felt frustrated that I was the only virgin I knew, but I think the frustration came from being different and feeling left out of an experience that is made out to be SO important. Is there anyone else out there who feels that maybe they're clinging to asexuality because it's SOMETHING. So I'm not seen as just a weirdo virgin who can't form an intimate relationship. 

 

Sorry this train of thought did not have a steady track!

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FaerieFate
15 minutes ago, Peace88Amy said:

Growing up, when I was asked who I liked (both celeb and classmates) I was always told I "had to like someone". I never knew what people meant when they said people were cute or hot but I made up an answer so I didn't seem weird. I never persued any relationships or sex. Sometimes I wonder if, at 28, I'm just used to being alone and without sex. For a long time I felt frustrated that I was the only virgin I knew, but I think the frustration came from being different and feeling left out of an experience that is made out to be SO important. Is there anyone else out there who feels that maybe they're clinging to asexuality because it's SOMETHING. So I'm not seen as just a weirdo virgin who can't form an intimate relationship. 

 

Sorry this train of thought did not have a steady track!

From what I've seen in my long time on AVEN, a lot of people relate. I've been really lucky in the fact that most of my friends aren't really interested in sex (they don't identify as ace, but they relate to it). It might help you to make a separate thread and talk about your experiences to see if anyone else can relate or ask them to share their stories, as I'm the only person that steadily replies and answers here.

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Alexandmb

This post was really helpful and clarified more things about my asexuality. I'm an ace/aro with platonic and aesthetic attractions. I confused squish with crush (crush is in a romantic way but after reading the squish definition now I'm clear)

 

I masturbate with certain frequency and I fantasize with certain parts of the body but I don't want to make these fantasies come true. 

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FaerieFate
33 minutes ago, Alexandmb said:

This post was really helpful and clarified more things about my asexuality. I'm an ace/aro with platonic and aesthetic attractions. I confused squish with crush (crush is in a romantic way but after reading the squish definition now I'm clear)

 

I masturbate with certain frequency and I fantasize with certain parts of the body but I don't want to make these fantasies come true. 

Super glad I helped! Other than not being aro, I completely relate to you. I can fantasize, but when if comes to the real thing I'm like, "Um.. No thanks."

 

Though to be clear, those are the correct definitions of quish and crush, but I have seen some people saying they were squishing on people when they were really crushing on them. So, technically these are more correct, but you'll have to rely on context to know what people mean. People are confusing.

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woodswalker

What do you call it when someone only gets off on their own fantasies and by themselves? "Auto=sexual"?
And what if the fantasies are of the hetero, S&M type?

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TheAngel(of)Peace
51 minutes ago, woodswalker said:

What do you call it when someone only gets off on their own fantasies and by themselves? "Auto=sexual"?

Autochorissexual.

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Bi-ace?

Hi

I'm just hoping for some clarification or validation I guess. I identify as bi and am currently happily in a relationship. We have sex regularly but I never really desire it. To me, it seems, at worst like a chore and at best just a nice activity to do together, like a board game. I do enjoy sex most of the time, and have kinks that my partner and I are exploring together but I feel like I could go the rest of my life without sex and I'd be fine? I feel like most of the joy i get out of it is giving him pleasure and watching him enjoy himself. I experience sexual attraction though. I've considered aegosexual, does that fall under the category of grey-a? Lithosexual doesn't sound right to me because reciprocation has no bearing on my desire to have sex. 

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FaerieFate
On 7/9/2017 at 0:59 PM, Bi-ace? said:

Hi

I'm just hoping for some clarification or validation I guess. I identify as bi and am currently happily in a relationship. We have sex regularly but I never really desire it. To me, it seems, at worst like a chore and at best just a nice activity to do together, like a board game. I do enjoy sex most of the time, and have kinks that my partner and I are exploring together but I feel like I could go the rest of my life without sex and I'd be fine? I feel like most of the joy i get out of it is giving him pleasure and watching him enjoy himself. I experience sexual attraction though. I've considered aegosexual, does that fall under the category of grey-a? Lithosexual doesn't sound right to me because reciprocation has no bearing on my desire to have sex. 

Aegosexual is someone that may experiences enjoyment form fantasies, erotica, etc, but has no desire to participate in the act. It is also called Autochorisexual. To me, that fits under the asexual umbrella. Whether or not it fits you is up to you. Have you looked at the Master List? Unless your asexual, grey-a, or demi then whether or not your identity is under the ace umbrella depends on if you feel that you fit under the ace umbrella. There's a lot of debate behind the definitions, but ultimately only you can label yourself.

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honesty_jones

So while i dont think that I have ever experienced sexual attraction there is a part of me that wants to have sex really just to see if I feel anything profound or meaningful. I am not sure if that desire rules out the option of calling myself asexual. I am 18 and kinda oblivious so i just realized that i dont feel sexual attraction. Though at this point it is only hypothetical as anxiety limits my ability to communicate this level of awkwardness to anyone who I want a relationship with. Sorry if it seems like the incoherent ramblings of a madman

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FaerieFate
8 minutes ago, honesty_jones said:

So while i dont think that I have ever experienced sexual attraction there is a part of me that wants to have sex really just to see if I feel anything profound or meaningful. I am not sure if that desire rules out the option of calling myself asexual. I am 18 and kinda oblivious so i just realized that i dont feel sexual attraction. Though at this point it is only hypothetical as anxiety limits my ability to communicate this level of awkwardness to anyone who I want a relationship with. Sorry if it seems like the incoherent ramblings of a madman

Well if a straight person is experimenting with someone of the same gender it doesn't mean they aren't straight. It just means they're experimenting. So, if an asexual person has sex to see what they think about it, it doesn't mean they aren't asexual. It just means they're curious.

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alibali

Dunno if this is appropriate here, but I watched Dirty Dancing last night. Now I like it because it is a seminal film about acceptance, identity, solidarity and growing up. The people in it are fundamentally attractive and in the case of Patrick Swayze he was at his peak physically and very much in tune with his body and his dancing reflects that and I can appreciate his physique as much as anyone.  I can recognise all that. When others comment about the sex scenes they acknowledge they feel a sexual attraction, but as an asexual watching it, I see the depiction of 2 people who are completely lost in their desire for each other and that is what I don't understand and where I think the film sort of falls down for me, because it suggests that that is part of Baby growing up into a woman....realising that the most important man in her life is no longer her Daddy. No matter that she recognises that she has a life outside her family, or that they both do things for the other that make them better people. It becomes a film about sex.

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Fangirl_no.528491

I know that I am asexual, but i am not sure what my romanticism is and I was wondering anyone else could put a label on it? I don't like sex or kissing of any sort although I quite like hugs, I have crushes on all genders but I don't really want a relationship, more of just like a friendship but I still feel romantic attraction to A LOT of people... does anyone know what this is called? Xx -Tessa 

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TheAngel(of)Peace
16 hours ago, Fangirl_no.528491 said:

I know that I am asexual, but i am not sure what my romanticism is and I was wondering anyone else could put a label on it? I don't like sex or kissing of any sort although I quite like hugs, I have crushes on all genders but I don't really want a relationship, more of just like a friendship but I still feel romantic attraction to A LOT of people... does anyone know what this is called? Xx -Tessa 

You might be lithromantic. That means that you experience romantic attraction but don't need your feelings to be reciprocated.

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Apathetic Echidna

This post was very helpful. It took me a long time to get through all the information in the links but I feel like I am starting to get a handle on all the terms and definitions.

I chose my username as a joke but it seems that the definition I most identify with is Lithsexual or Apathsexual. Yet I can't think of more than one memory where I can actually identify sexual desire for another person, maybe I am so indifferent my brain doesn't bother storing something so insignificant? you say that aesthetic attraction doesn't influence sexuality, but the only time I remember sexual desire was when I was caught in a pleasurable sensory sensual/aesthetic feedback-loop situation. I need to read more, maybe that is just normal desire development and I just skipped the sexual attraction from a distance bit. 

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FaerieFate
38 minutes ago, Apathetic Echidna said:

This post was very helpful. It took me a long time to get through all the information in the links but I feel like I am starting to get a handle on all the terms and definitions.

I chose my username as a joke but it seems that the definition I most identify with is Lithsexual or Apathsexual. Yet I can't think of more than one memory where I can actually identify sexual desire for another person, maybe I am so indifferent my brain doesn't bother storing something so insignificant? you say that aesthetic attraction doesn't influence sexuality, but the only time I remember sexual desire was when I was caught in a pleasurable sensory sensual/aesthetic feedback-loop situation. I need to read more, maybe that is just normal desire development and I just skipped the sexual attraction from a distance bit. 

I think your the first person other than my reviewers that's actually read everything! Sexual attraction and aesthetic attraction aren't always linked, but they can be. Same goes for any attraction.

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awake.in.naptown

This post made me feel much better. Thank you for putting this together. 

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apatrickwsu
On ‎4‎/‎17‎/‎2016 at 7:05 PM, FaerieFate said:

Tacos and Hotdogs: (The guy on a juice cleanse represents Asexuality and the one that likes the toppings is demisexuality)

I'm Mary Jo but I'd add in that I'm averse to preparing foods. The analogy is pretty fun.

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Decus

Can I think someone is "hot" or beautiful and have that be a factor in making me want to date them? Or is that sexual attraction (getting butterflies because someone is cute)?

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FaerieFate
36 minutes ago, Decus said:

Can I think someone is "hot" or beautiful and have that be a factor in making me want to date them? Or is that sexual attraction (getting butterflies because someone is cute)?

Appeal to how someone looks is aesthetic attraction.

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Decus
1 hour ago, FaerieFate said:

Appeal to how someone looks is aesthetic attraction.

Thanks🙂

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cyelliott

Hi, until very recently I considered myself bisexual as I find both males and females attractive, however very recently I've discovered intimacy like kissing to be physically not only intimidating but unemployable for myself, and I'm unsure as to what to do with this new information, as I've never had sex due to never having the urge or option, and I've only kissed anyone recently and like I said found it truly unemployable and really entirely uncomfortable for myself

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