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FaerieFate

Helpful info for those questioning their (a)sexuality

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FaerieFate   
FaerieFate

hello, my name is haleh, i just found that there was a name for being asexual

i do not know if i am completely asexual, i think i might be gray a, because i do enjoy

kisses and cuddles, but i do not want real sex, am i asexual, if i am what label can

look into and check out

thank you for reading

haleh

Hello Heleh!

I don't think that there are other terms that you need to check out. I mentioned earlier that Sensual attraction does not affect your (a)sexuality. Sensual attraction meaning the desire to kiss, cuddle, or hug someone. Some people view kisses and cuddles as sexual, some view it as romantic, and others will say it's all completely platonic. As long as you don't see kissing and cuddling in a sexual light, you can still be completely asexual no matter how much you want to kiss or cuddle another person. I, for instance, am completely asexual, and I love cuddles!

Though I can't label you, I just simply wanted to point out that kissing and cuddling doesn't make you any less asexual (if you consider yourself asexual).

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FaerieFate   
FaerieFate

Thank you faeriefate! (Did you change your name?)

I guess there isn't one definite answer.

I'm not so young (17), and I assume that if I don't knoW what sexual attraction feels like and don't understand various similar terms (like: being turnd on, horney...) Than I have probably never felt it before.

If I end up finding later on that I am sexual than I will adjust my terms accordingly.

As of now I think that ace is a pretty comfortable descripsion of my sexualety (or lack there of) and labels aren't really nessecary for me to express myself.

Thank you for the advice and clarification :)

No problem! I'm simply glad that this thread is helping people! Also, no, I didn't change my name. I am always and always will be faeriefate.

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timidcat   
timidcat

At what age can someone still be considered a late bloomer? I've asked this before and the answers have been pretty unhelpful. One person said that you need to be 17/18 to be sure since technically the body is still going through puberty. Then the other person said that the human brain doesn't stop developing until 23 so that age would be the only way to make sure. Furthermore, an answer I got was seriously denying that wanting to see someone naked/shirtless is sexual desire and that all non-asexual teens feel that at least a few times before they're 15.

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Anthracite_Impreza   
Anthracite_Impreza

Anyone of any age can theoretically change (in the non-elective, subconscious way) their sexuality, so really whether or not late bloomers exist is kind of irrelevant. Either way I'd say a 'typical' end of development time would be early-mid twenties.

Also, wanting to see someone shirtless isn't sexual desire, it could well just be wanting to 'enjoy the view'.

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timidcat   
timidcat

But then there isn't a set definition of what sexual feelings are. I've met lots of people who enjoy looking at their preferred gender and say that they are hot and sexy but wouldn't even fantasise about them. Not everyone who isn't asexual feels the same way about sexual desire.

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Anthracite_Impreza   
Anthracite_Impreza

Well exactly, so 'wanting to see someone shirtless' isn't a good way to define sexuality. I mean by god, I find some vehicles incredibly attractive but I don't desire to do the deed with them.

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timidcat   
timidcat

But then there isn't a set definition of what sexual feelings are. I've met lots of people who enjoy looking at their preferred gender and say that they are hot and sexy but wouldn't even fantasise about them. Not everyone who isn't asexual feels the same way about sexual desire.

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henshin   
henshin

Hey so I just read the bit on being a late bloomer/too young and I think we should get some sexuals to give input onto that section, mainly because I feel like sex is such a hyped up thing for teenagers that using the metric of 'do your peers experience sexual desire' is incredibly faulty when you can't possibly know what another teenager is actually thinking.

I also think you should just mention that while a person may develop a libido during puberty, it could be years before they meet someone they find attractive or fall in love with and actually want to have sex with. I don't think we should be promoting the idea that unless you want to fuck random strangers or people you have class with, then you're asexual. That's not how sexuals work!

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FaerieFate   
FaerieFate

Thank you Anthracite_Impreza for trying to answer timidcat's questions.

Hey so I just read the bit on being a late bloomer/too young and I think we should get some sexuals to give input onto that section, mainly because I feel like sex is such a hyped up thing for teenagers that using the metric of 'do your peers experience sexual desire' is incredibly faulty when you can't possibly know what another teenager is actually thinking.

I also think you should just mention that while a person may develop a libido during puberty, it could be years before they meet someone they find attractive or fall in love with and actually want to have sex with. I don't think we should be promoting the idea that unless you want to fuck random strangers or people you have class with, then you're asexual. That's not how sexuals work!

When I was writing this whole thread I got the input from admods, some of which involved sexuals. I especially stressed the need to check over the part you mentioned because there were no resources on AVEN for me to reference or link to. It may not seem apparent, by the credits, but there are people not mentioned in the credits due simply to the fact that they mentioned it looked good on Skype and I didn't have any logs to remember all of their names.

While I do appreciate your constructive criticism, I'll like to point you to a few things that you seem to have missed on this post. The post linked being the late bloomer/too young post because I'll refer back to it. You mentioned that you don't know what other people think because sexuality is over hyped. As an asexual that recently went throguh high school (it's been a few years, so long enoguh where I'm not too close to the subject, but close enough to where it was still fresh in my memory at the time of writing this). I didn't know at the time what every teenager was thinking. Hell, I still don't know how sexual some of my friends are or even if they are sexual. However, just because you don't know what most people are thinking, you are able to see that some either experience sexual attraction or desired partnered sex by their words and actions. Sexuality is over hyped. I don't think that everyone is as sexual as they were in high school. However, I could still see that their sexuality was coming around, even if it was exaggerated. Because when everyone else was playing it up, I was simply lost. I didn't understand why everyone was so excited about the idea of sex or wanted it so much. Some of those people, or a lot of those people, may be pretending to fit in, but for many of those people they legit felt the way they acted in that moment. The sexuality they exhibited was serious, even if it was exaggerated. A lot of people like to dismiss high schooler emotions as "they're young and naive", but just because they are naive doesn't mean that they don't feel it in that moment. It simply means that they are still figuring out what "it" is and things are subject to change as they figure out what they need emotionally.

Also, I did mention that you develop a libido during puberty. I think that may be an issue with wording. I said, " A lot of people combine libido, sex drive, and sexual attraction because they all arrive at the same time in the person's life." When I say "the person" I mean the person that thinks libido and sexuality is the same thing. I don't mean that they show up at the same time in EVERY person's life. I was very careful of my word choice to make sure it meant exactly what I intended it to mean. If I though it showed up at the same time in every person's life, I would have said every. However, just before that sentence I mentioned the Disclaimer in the spoiler below that which reads this.

However, people are weird, biology is weird, hormones are weird, and humans in general are weird. This means that not every case scenario can be explained and some people are just different. It's human nature. So while it's fine to label yourself as asexual if you feel that you are such, there is the chance that you could be a late bloomer. However, this does not give people the right to discredit you on a slim possibility, and if you think you are asexual there is nothing wrong with you identifying as such and realizing that you were just a late bloomer. Just be sure that this does not reflect peoples' opinions on asexuality as a whole.

This basically says what you are saying. Sometimes there is a case where you just haven't met the right person. If you think you are asexual and it turns out you aren't, that's fine. IF you think you're asexual in that moment, then define as asexual. Just if it turns out to not be true make sure your experience doesn't discount the experience of others. I know people will find issue with pertinent information being in spoilers, but if the whole thing is too long people simply won't read it, which is why I didn't quote all of my resources, and simply linked to them. Yes, I did say that you can just be a late bloomer or haven't found the right person, but just because it "might" be true doesn't mean that you should deny the label that you think fits you. Because you can't be sure what your sexuality is until you experience, and not having a label because of a possibility will result in a lot of people are lost while they are at key milestones in their life where they try to find themself.

I hope this all makes sense. I was careful of my word choice, and I did consult in others when I wrote this. I have references linked. I linked to other threads that should allow members to explain it more or I linked to or quoted things that I thought would explain it better. This whole thread took me MONTHS because I had to look for resources on every part that I wrote so I made sure that I was explaining things correctly. I even made sure I took into consideration what people like panfictio would think. By that I mean people that really stress the fact that sexuality isn't wanting to have sex with random strangers like a lot of asexuals would believe.

However, for this part I simply couldn't find AVEN resources on it. I simply wrote what I believed, and you'll see that a lot of admods in the credits helped me edit it to clean it up and make it more clear. I stressed that they look at it because I don't want it to just be my words. I wanted this to be the most clear and concise explanation of the sexual attraction and late bloomer phenomenon that could be written to show that you may not understand it, and late bloomers do exist, but at some point you'll realize that you're at a moment in your life where most people experience it, and you don't. Could you be a late bloomer? Maybe, but at AVEN we're accepting and that's no reason to deny your asexual label. There are elitists, but it's strongly discouraged because life is a learning process where you're just trying to figure yourself out, and we realize people make mistakes.

My intent here it to draw a line as to when you simply should realize that you're either asexual or a late bloomer, but even so at this point you relate to the situations asexuals experience, so there is no harm in identifying as such as long as you are sure that it doesn't impact other peoples' views of the asexual community if you end up being wrong. At the end of the day, AVEN is supposed to be a place for people to relate and understand each other. To realize they aren't the only one that feels this way, and we're accepting. We know that no one is perfect, but it's necessary to have peopel to relate in order to have a positive self esteem if you desire to feel "normal". I see no reason to disclude someone on the possibility of being a late bloomer.

Furthermore I did a census a few years back and no one can really agree what cut off age "late bloomer" is no longer acceptable, so if there's no definite age, then we just have to realize mistakes happen.

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NeverBeAfraid   
NeverBeAfraid

Hey, I read your whole post (including most of the links) and still I am a little confused. I have a boyfriend and we do have sex. Yes i enjoy it but I don't have the urge to do it all the time. (I have thought already once to be Asexuell, because i didn't liked it with my first boyfriend).

I don't masturbate because I don't feel like it, I tried it a couple of times but it just felt awkward to me. I just have this sexuell feeling / attraction when I'm with my boyfriend (i get horny and wet when he approaches me) But when I am alone it's like I don't need Sex. Now I think I could me gray-asexuel ... Could it be ?

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God of the Forest   
God of the Forest

Hey, I read your whole post (including most of the links) and still I am a little confused. I have a boyfriend and we do have sex. Yes i enjoy it but I don't have the urge to do it all the time. (I have thought already once to be Asexuell, because i didn't liked it with my first boyfriend).

I don't masturbate because I don't feel like it, I tried it a couple of times but it just felt awkward to me. I just have this sexuell feeling / attraction when I'm with my boyfriend (i get horny and wet when he approaches me) But when I am alone it's like I don't need Sex. Now I ink I could me gray-asexuel ... Could it be ?

Hey there!

Reading your post I notice you say you don't have the urge to do it all the time. People have varying levels of libido and sex drive, even sexuals, and thus not even sexuals want to "do it" all the time. So just because you may not want to do it all the time doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you, it merely means that your libido is a certain way that may be different from others. I should also point out that even asexuals have the libidos, the difference is; we don't want to engage in sexual activity with another, regardless of our libido. In regards to you getting "horny" when he approaches you and you not feeling like you need sex when youre alone, its likely that he simply satisfies your sexual urges, after all isn't that one of reasons we have sex? (other than reproduction of course)

Ultimately, the decision to label yourself as gray-asexual is up to you. Here is the link for the definition of Grey/Grey-A according to AVEN

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chandeleyer   
chandeleyer

Hi! Thank you for all this information. I am new here and I'm curious if this is the right place for me. I've had a lot of questions about my sexuality and I hope someone here can see my situation from an outside perspective and offer some insight. (I apologize in advance it may be TMI)

I'm a 20 year old female, and I've always considered myself straight but I've never grown up being sexually attracted to a guy. I think guys are attractive, but I always thought I was too shy to imagine a relationship with one. I figured this because I went to an all-girls high school, and a college where my classes were mostly women. In college, my work has kept me busy to avoid looking for a relationship- finding a partner was never a priority of mine. I never inserted myself into sexual fantasies (which I realized may be a sign) and I actually prefer m/m romance (but apparently many heterosexuals do as well). This summer I tried online dating to finally see if I have a connection with anyone. It turned me on a lot when a guy would be upfront and say he wanted to have sex with me - only then did I envision myself in a fantasy with said guy. I never met up with any of them though because their upfront-ness also creeped me out. I finally went on a few dates with a new guy last week and we had a good time, and I thought we maybe had a connection but I was disgusted for hours after he kissed me. I know its nearly impossible to tell from one kiss what my sexuality is, but I don't know if I should continue trying to date guys if I'm always going to have the same disgusted outcome when they try to be romantic with me. Is this normal asexual behavior or is it just a lot of unusual situations?

Tl;dr - I can't tell if I don't want sex or if I haven't found the right person yet.

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FaerieFate   
FaerieFate

Hi! Thank you for all this information. I am new here and I'm curious if this is the right place for me. I've had a lot of questions about my sexuality and I hope someone here can see my situation from an outside perspective and offer some insight. (I apologize in advance it may be TMI)

I'm a 20 year old female, and I've always considered myself straight but I've never grown up being sexually attracted to a guy. I think guys are attractive, but I always thought I was too shy to imagine a relationship with one. I figured this because I went to an all-girls high school, and a college where my classes were mostly women. In college, my work has kept me busy to avoid looking for a relationship- finding a partner was never a priority of mine. I never inserted myself into sexual fantasies (which I realized may be a sign) and I actually prefer m/m romance (but apparently many heterosexuals do as well). This summer I tried online dating to finally see if I have a connection with anyone. It turned me on a lot when a guy would be upfront and say he wanted to have sex with me - only then did I envision myself in a fantasy with said guy. I never met up with any of them though because their upfront-ness also creeped me out. I finally went on a few dates with a new guy last week and we had a good time, and I thought we maybe had a connection but I was disgusted for hours after he kissed me. I know its nearly impossible to tell from one kiss what my sexuality is, but I don't know if I should continue trying to date guys if I'm always going to have the same disgusted outcome when they try to be romantic with me. Is this normal asexual behavior or is it just a lot of unusual situations?

Tl;dr - I can't tell if I don't want sex or if I haven't found the right person yet.

I can't label you, but I do want to point you to this thread. It's just a thread that asexuals point out things they go through as an asexual, and based on this I think you might be able to relate. Maybe hearing asexual experiences might help you figure it out a bit.

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ceraldus   
ceraldus

Hi, I'm 24 and a very damn close friend of mine, curently PJ and Turk from Scrubs close, introduced me to the concept of asexuality a little under a month ago. I've been doing some light research now and then on it and I came across the term demi-sexual on the Wikipedia page on asexuality. The reason it struck me as relevant to me then was that whenever I've talked about being somewhat sexually attracted to someone, and I'm generally talking about it with the person I'm currently attracted to, I point out that my attraction is because of my feelings for them, which is usually an intense love that I've had long before they had anything close to it for me.

The thing is, I haven't had sex yet, and I have never tried to have sex with someone I wasn't attracted to romantically. I know that I could see a half naked woman and feel hormones starting to pump and make me a little warm, but it pretty much never gives me a hard on, recent proof of this was evident to me at a convention I went to a few weeks ago. Another thing to point out about being at the con was that I was there with the person I've presently fallen in love with, which might have had a thing to do with it on its own. So at this point I can't tell if it is a choice or if it is my orientation, and don't know how to figure it out. I'd like to not try and have sex with a stranger, before anyone suggests that.

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FaerieFate   
FaerieFate

Hi, I'm 24 and a very damn close friend of mine, curently PJ and Turk from Scrubs close, introduced me to the concept of asexuality a little under a month ago. I've been doing some light research now and then on it and I came across the term demi-sexual on the Wikipedia page on asexuality. The reason it struck me as relevant to me then was that whenever I've talked about being somewhat sexually attracted to someone, and I'm generally talking about it with the person I'm currently attracted to, I point out that my attraction is because of my feelings for them, which is usually an intense love that I've had long before they had anything close to it for me.

The thing is, I haven't had sex yet, and I have never tried to have sex with someone I wasn't attracted to romantically. I know that I could see a half naked woman and feel hormones starting to pump and make me a little warm, but it pretty much never gives me a hard on, recent proof of this was evident to me at a convention I went to a few weeks ago. Another thing to point out about being at the con was that I was there with the person I've presently fallen in love with, which might have had a thing to do with it on its own. So at this point I can't tell if it is a choice or if it is my orientation, and don't know how to figure it out. I'd like to not try and have sex with a stranger, before anyone suggests that.

Hello! You do not need to have sex to determine if you are any sexual orientation. (No one requires straight people to have gay sex before saying that they are straight.) The best way to know is by figuring out who you are sexually attracted to. To better understand sexual attraction, read this post. There's no real census about definitions, but simply speaking your sexuality is based upon who you desire to have sex with (aka sexual desire). For example, I'm asexual. I've known for a few years now. I masturbate. I've been in a couple of romantic relationships. I have a high libido. The only thing that makes me asexual is the fact that regardless of my libido and whether or not I masturbate, and who I date is I don't desire to have sex with anyone. And thus far I still haven't had sex with anyone. I didn't need to have sex with them to realize that. I just wasn't interested. So try thinking about your sexuality like that. Think on people that you've desired to have sex with. Why was that? If it was because of your strong relationship or intense feelings, then you could be demi. Also think on that with your current relationship. Do you want to have sex with them? If they offered or made a move, would you be interested? I know from personal experience a couple of times once someone made a move on me I simply walked away, because I didn't want that.

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idontknowme   
idontknowme

I'm new here. Can someone please tell me how does this actually works? I have so many questions about the meaning of asexual and how does it fit me. I just need guidance and someone I can ask questions about this. I need help!!

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Leya Anhaylla   
Leya Anhaylla

Hi!

I've read your topic intensively but there's is still a big question that is bothering me and I would like some outside opinion on it.

You see, I'm in a protestant religion (Christianism but not Catholicism to make it short) and one of our rules is that you should not have sex before marriage. As such, it's kinda seen as a taboo and we rarely spoke of it. I'm 20 now and I realize that I basically never spoke of it with my group of friend. I spent all my school years in private religious schools and in High school I was in a really serious class (there were almost no fooling around, being disruptive in class or bad behaviors) and almost all of the girls in the class (minus 3 if I remember well) were still virgins when I was in senior year. That's why, I think, I never realized that my comportement towards sex and such may not be that common. I'm not interested in it at all, I can't imagine myself having sex, thus far I've tried kissing with 5 different boys and I find I really don't like it (to the point of being nauseous sometimes). And when I imagine my life while married/in a couple, I only see my partner and I sharing our domestic life (Could you believe that what I dream of having one day is a relation where I could call my partner in the middle of the day to just ask them to pick me up something and being answered with "Of course Honey, I'll pick it up later"?).

But I wonder... Maybe living since birth in an environment where non-marital sex was looked down upon screwed up (in a way) my sense of things? I know two of my friend aren't virgins anymore (Lost it at 17 and 18) but I found it just... wow. I could only ask myself "How could you think of doing it? Why did you want to do it in the first place?"

Honestly I don't want to think that my religion has had such an impact on me (to not say that it fucked me up), and like I said earlier it's kinda a taboo so I don't know who to talk with. I feel trapped.

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ambivalent4422   
ambivalent4422

But I wonder... Maybe living since birth in an environment where non-marital sex was looked down upon screwed up (in a way) my sense of things?

i come from a similar background and am wondering the same thing. it all seems too complicated and would take a lot of work to unpack fully.

for example i experience some degree of sexual attraction and yet have been celibate for years. am i afraid of being hurt? perhaps, but maybe that's not all of it. maybe there was something in my excessively nonaffectionate childhood that rendered me uncomfortable with human contact. maybe some people work on themselves long enough to pare it all down to the essential problem; i'm certainly not there yet.

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KairaYU   
KairaYU

I am kinda new to this too. Since I was 12 I actually noticed this, but didn't know until about a year ago it was a thing "Asexual" and I'm glad to know there's more people like this, even when I still confused now (I'm 20) I only like Romantic-relations, I like to feel the other person (Girls), close to me, In a nonsexual way, I love hugs, cook for my friends, share hobbies, etc.

Glad to meet you guys here, I feel much better now, since I discovered aven forum.

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e_caul   
e_caul

What is Asexuality?

The definition of Asexuality in itself is a highly debated topic on AVEN as you'll find the thread "Is AVEN sending us mixed messages?" However, there's two general definitions that are used.

  • Someone who does not experience sexual attraction to any gender.
  • Someone who has no desire for partnered sex.
It's safe to say, that as long as your definition fits under one of these two categories, you can call yourself asexual.

I think it's safe to say I fall under number 2

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Teenyturtle   
Teenyturtle

Looking at these makes me wonder, I have identified as a lesbian for nearly six years now and have recently started to think I may be asexual as well. I do enjoy a lot of cuddling and some kissing. My partner seems to want sex a lot more than me as I am not really interested. I don't mind it sometimes but usually it will be months between. I am also starting to question my homosexuality as I am not really attracted to people's looks, I can appreciate that someone looks pretty or nice but that's it. I love my partner a lot but then I know her personality well. Are there some things I could look into in regards to this. I feel like I need to understand myself better so that I can talk to my partner so she understands my non existent sex drive.

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Me :)   
Me :)

Looking at these makes me wonder, I have identified as a lesbian for nearly six years now and have recently started to think I may be asexual as well. I do enjoy a lot of cuddling and some kissing. My partner seems to want sex a lot more than me as I am not really interested. I don't mind it sometimes but usually it will be months between. I am also starting to question my homosexuality as I am not really attracted to people's looks, I can appreciate that someone looks pretty or nice but that's it. I love my partner a lot but then I know her personality well. Are there some things I could look into in regards to this. I feel like I need to understand myself better so that I can talk to my partner so she understands my non existent sex drive.

Maybe try looking into demisexual or other various orientations.

Also there are romantic orientations that are separate from the sexual orientation.

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PixieCat   
PixieCat

Hello :)

I'm 17, and I've been questioning my (a)sexuality for about three years now. Currently I identify as ace-questioning, but I still have trouble trying to figure myself out. I get aroused or ‘horny’ and have a libido, but I’ve never wanted to have sex with anyone else, or even go past cuddling, even with my boyfriend. I get sexual jokes, but sometimes a reference will go over my head or take me a second to understand.

My big problem when considering my identity is that I'm not quite out of the woods hormonally, and I'm worried that if I start identifying as asexual, I might become sexual later and get even more confused. A lot of things I find in response to my own or other teens questions are the common, ‘Wait and see until you’re older’ responses, even from AVEN members. It’s just a whole huge bundle of confusion that I’m hoping to sort through eventually XP Any advice on what to do?

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FaerieFate   
FaerieFate

Thanks for all those helping me out in this thread! Health issues along with busy schedule has made regular replies hard here.

Hello :)

I'm 17, and I've been questioning my (a)sexuality for about three years now. Currently I identify as ace-questioning, but I still have trouble trying to figure myself out. I get aroused or ‘horny’ and have a libido, but I’ve never wanted to have sex with anyone else, or even go past cuddling, even with my boyfriend. I get sexual jokes, but sometimes a reference will go over my head or take me a second to understand.

My big problem when considering my identity is that I'm not quite out of the woods hormonally, and I'm worried that if I start identifying as asexual, I might become sexual later and get even more confused. A lot of things I find in response to my own or other teens questions are the common, ‘Wait and see until you’re older’ responses, even from AVEN members. It’s just a whole huge bundle of confusion that I’m hoping to sort through eventually XP Any advice on what to do?

This is a bit TMI, but hopefully it'll help you out?

Hey! Well my libido didn't fully settle until was 20! So, I guess you can say I was a late bloomer in that sense, as I didn't have a libido until then. However, I'm still very asexual. If you think you're too young to identify, that's fine! You can still be ace-questioning and be cool with it! If it comes up in conversation you can even just use the definition without the identity if it makes you feel comfortable. Things change! As I've said in the thread, though, eventually it'll get to the point where it'll just seem ridiculous to keep assuming it'll come eventually.

I'm in my early 20s, and people still tell me I "haven't found the right guy" or I'm a "late bloomer". By now my hormones are all mostly settled (It's arguable whether or not my migraines are from hormones or not). I have a high libido. Everything in the reproductive department and hormonal department are completely normal. However, I just don't experience sexual attraction or even want sex. Yet some people still say I'm too young to tell. Which is ridiculous. To me it's like even though I have a libido, I don't want to act on it. Usually I'm just annoyed when it comes up.

Ultimately, I've seen shows/movies with sex, and I can only explain it in one way. When I watch the TV show "Dexter" I relate to him so much when he talks about sex. Really, the way he talks about when he talks about emotion at all is how I feel about sex. I see other people feel it, and I can pretend well enough that I'm "normal", but to me it's just not there. I don't want sex. I don't experience sexual attraction. To me it's just... boring? Not that I've had sex (whether or not you've had sex doesn't affect your asexuality), but I don't care to. I'm not even curious. I would rather nap or watch TV or something.

I kinda hope that helps? I mean you said you were 17, yes? So you're not exactly a kid, and your hormones most likely have kicked in by now. Plus you have a libido earlier than I did. Perhaps ask a female family member if your hormones have perhaps settled down. If they have, then it's really up to you to determine when saying you could be a late bloomer is ridiculous. Eventually you'll have that time, and you have to decide it for yourself. If you let someone else determine if you're a late bloomer then they'll call you a late bloomer until they determine you too old to be sexually active.

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martio2122   
martio2122

Hello ^_^

I'm 21 now and I'm questioning my sexuality for a long time. I've been on a 2 dates (opposite gender) and it was complete disaster :blush: I'm attracted to mens, i like some features like beard or glasses, I feel sexual attraction but only... in my mind :blink: When I think about sex (imagine it) it's ok, but when I think that I might have sex in real lifie is repulsive to me. I kissed with 2 people and I don't liked it, I feel disgusting after, and i don't wanna try it again :wacko: but I don't want to be alone :( I would like a romantic relationship, someone that would hug me, talk with me, be there for me. Sometimes I wish I could be normal person , just want normal relationship. :(
My freinds and family think that I'm just shy and because of that i dont have a partner.
I don't know what to do, force myself into relationship, I don't want to end up alone. Am I asexual ? or just odd. :wacko: :blink: Sorry for any mistakes, I'm not native speaker.

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FaerieFate   
FaerieFate

Hello ^_^

I'm 21 now and I'm questioning my sexuality for a long time. I've been on a 2 dates (opposite gender) and it was complete disaster :blush: I'm attracted to mens, i like some features like beard or glasses, I feel sexual attraction but only... in my mind :blink: When I think about sex (imagine it) it's ok, but when I think that I might have sex in real lifie is repulsive to me. I kissed with 2 people and I don't liked it, I feel disgusting after, and i don't wanna try it again :wacko: but I don't want to be alone :( I would like a romantic relationship, someone that would hug me, talk with me, be there for me. Sometimes I wish I could be normal person , just want normal relationship. :(

My freinds and family think that I'm just shy and because of that i dont have a partner.

I don't know what to do, force myself into relationship, I don't want to end up alone. Am I asexual ? or just odd. :wacko: :blink: Sorry for any mistakes, I'm not native speaker.

Your grammar is fine! Don't be too hard on yourself. Also, I removed you extra posts. That's fine, AVEN is stupid sometimes, but the members can't delete their posts so I fix them.

Well, there's a few things I want you to separate in your mind. Being turned on by images or fantasies of sex is very different than actually wanting sex. Asexuality is someone who doesn't experience sexual attraction, and sexual attraction is actually desiring sex with another person. So, if you don't experience sexual attraction, you're probably asexual.

Next off, sexual and romantic attraction are different. Asexuals can and often do enter normal relationships. Sometimes they don't have sex in said relationships. Sometimes they do if they think it'll make their partner happy. It depends on the relationship and person. So, you can want to be in a relationship and still not want sex at all. That's fine and normal.

Never EVER force yourself into something you don't want. You simply won't be happy. You can have a normal healthy relationship without sex if you want. You can be perfectly happy without a relationship. Sometimes friendships are just as awesome as a relationship with the right friends!

Also remember, no one is normal. Don't strive to be normal, because everyone is different. Just be yourself and have fun! Don't let your family pressure you into anything that makes you uncomfortable. IF they try to, tell them it makes you uncomfortable.

Also, since English isn't your first language may I suggest the Alternative Language Boards. I don't know if it's as active, but maybe you can talk with someone there a little more easily. I don't want any miscommunication.

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martio2122   
martio2122

Thank you very much for your reply, it helped me a lot, and clarified some things. :) I have never desire sex with another person. Even when I think about forcing myself to be with someone I feel deeply unhappy. :( And thought that someone might expecting something from me (sex stuff) make me feel bad and anxious. :wacko: I have to accept myself the way I am. There is my language and it's active. ^_^ I understand everything but I have problems with writing. :redface: Thank for all advices ^_^

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City_Flyer   
City_Flyer

Faeriefate, your reply to martio2122 also resonated with me, particularly this passage:

 

 Being turned on by images or fantasies of sex is very different than actually wanting sex. Asexuality is someone who doesn't experience sexual attraction, and sexual attraction is actually desiring sex with another person. 

 

This sums it up for me. I have no desire to have sexual intercourse with another person and have not enjoyed it (or ever climaxed), the times I have done it. I haven't done it for 12 years and I don't miss it.

 

I never thought of myself as asexual previously because I didn't understand the word. I thought it meant never getting turned on.

 

Well I do get turned on and often masturbate to thoughts of a particular fetish I have (which doesn't involve sexual intercourse). I really enjoy this and it gives me a lot of pleasure, as well as release. But it's a private thing for me and I have no desire to involve anyone else. In fact the one time in my life I partially acted out the fetish with another person, I found it a complete turn off.

 

Sex? No. It's just not my thing. As a teenager, before I lost my virginity, I used to fantasise about what I thought sex might be like, but the reality of it doesn't do it for me.

 

I'm feeling much more comfortable about this now that I have come to understand asexuality more. I used to think there was something wrong with me. But now I know there isn't. I'm not weird. I'm not messed up. I'm not a misfit. I'm asexual.

 

I just don't like sex. It's just a personal preference. Some people don't like chicken. Some people don't like beer. Some people don't like fishing. I don't like sex.

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prib23   
prib23

I know asexuality is not monolithic. There are varying degrees. Trying assign my asexuality a place on the spectrum ?  I will give it a shot. I can take or leave sex. I have enjoyed sex and I am not repulsed by it. I am hetrosexual. As I bump age 50 my libido isnt what it used to be. Don't want to take tetesterone. My friends who use it have mixed results and side effects. It takes longer for me to get aroused as well. I am not impotent but slow to arousal. I dont use porn. The E D pills work great for me with no side effects. They aid in quiicker response. My wife's ego could not take these factors. Very low or very high self esteem one. She lied and cheated. 

Maybe childhood trauma could be to blame ? My parents were swingers. Had all types of pornography in our home. I do mean All !  I did struggle with sex repulsion for a time. But it hasn't been life long. I am a quiet and humble person. Deep introspective. Most women it seems prefer over the top badboy types, with over compensating confidence. I am a man's man. Blue collar, outdoorsy. Yet, deep and dare I say introverted ?  Confident to me is knowing not trumpeting. My attire is probably Spartan and plain to some. I don't want or need attention. Or crave the spotlight. 

If  was in a relationship with a woman, sex would not have to be the focus. If we had sex fine if not fine. I would not abandoned her or dehumanize her based on sexual value. I thought love was unselfish ? Dont  get me wrong, I love giving or receiving all types of affection. Hugging, kissing, massages, holding hands and sleeping next to each other. The sexual components of when, how often, fantasies, being consumed by body image and quality of sex,  that's a lot for a relationship to carry.  So I am comfortable with a an asexual relationship with a woman. I am no less of a man. And she would be no less of a woman.

I guess that puts me somewhere between a gray and Demi ?  I like to speak my mind and avoid confusion when I can

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