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Dont be deceptive about your sexuality


TheSexualHusband

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TheSexualHusband

I like the idea that each person has a right to their own bodies and what they choose to do with it. It all sounds like a nice concept and we can tie a very nice ribbon around it. It certainly is the politically correct way today is it not. Which brings me to the question about living with asexual people.

It seems the (present) politically correct view is that an asexual person has the right to his body and should be able to say, directly or by implication, sorry Im not interested in sex with you and likely never will be. You simply dont do anything for me and I have the right to say no. But dont act like that, I dont like any person that way at all, its not you, its me. At least I am not a cheat. I feel no attraction to any person whatsoever. This, it seems to me, is what the asexual community expect the rest of us to accept unconditionally. After all, it is not like our partners are cheating is it and therefore they seem to believe they have the moral high ground. Truth be told, if given the choice I would personally prefer a slut wife to an asexual one. The thing is, I was not given the choice. From most every post I read of people complaining about living with an asexual partner it seems some form of deception occurred at the beginning of the relationship.

My question is now this. Why, if when we just met you allowed me, very enthusiastically, to jump your bones 2 to 3 times a day, let alone a week, I now suddenly find when walking into the bedroom all hard and ready to go the gates to paradise with a bold neon sign that reads (in)definitely closed for business. And since I am a nice understanding husband that really dont want to rape you, or accept your mechanical compliance, I must accept my life of forced chastity. And the answer is to be found in the question though it will never be admitted. The answer is this. If we did not f..k every day the number of times we did for the 18 or so months we did, we would not have become pregnant.

One of my favourite proverbs is like wild horses the natural always comes galloping back in. It means that in the case of my wife, she was asexual before we met but acted like a loving girlfriend and later wife, playing the role of a loving partner and wife both outside and inside the bedroom to a T BJ and all included. Once her need for becoming a mother was fulfilled that changed. The natural came rushing back in, the deception completed, the neon sign went up. And dont even try justifying the deception with an asexual person not being asexual when it does not suit their needs or objectives at any given point in time. The moment that you, as a community, chose to categorise asexuality as sexuality, it was not subject to selectivity, any more than Oscars memory could be as selective as he would have us believe.

So where does it leave me as a loving husband and father. In a pickle to say the least. There is no door that could possibly allow me to live a contented life from this point onwards. Every time I accept her compromise sex I will, at worst, by definition of some be raping her, and at best be left wanting and frustrated because it will be disconnected and mechanical lacking the very ingredient that make sex fantastic, desire. It will always be like driving a fiberglass kit of a Ferrari powered by a barely functional Uno Fire engine with a very sticky gearbox. The experience a very hollow one and you wish you could terminate the ride a few minutes in.

There is always divorce right? But let us not forget, her deception not only made her a mother, it had the unfortunate consequence of leaving a father in its wake. Divorce brings with it the battle for custody that, if successful, will allow me to raise my daughter and leave the object of my affections, my wife, dreadfully unhappy. If unsuccessful, I will get to see my daughter maybe once a week and every other weekend and allow her adult life to be dictated by the lessons only a broken home can teach. Not really an option for me.

I could possibly get her consent to take a lover, which I doubt. But, even if it is something she will allow, wont work all that well for me. In any event it will only delay what will then become an inevitable divorce anyway.

I have not written this post looking for advice. There is no point. The entire basis that acceptance of asexuality is predicated upon is that it will remain part of her personality with no choice of her own. Ergo, no amount of discussion will kindle any form of desire for me, by the very nature of her sexuality it cannot. My only choice is to find really good porn and a good supply of baby oil or to divorce. Since divorce is not an option, and if you feel the compulsion to help, I would appreciate links to good porn.

The purpose of this post is to remind everyone that yes you have a right to your bodies and I will be the last to suggest you unwillingly submit to your partner. But with it comes a responsibility not to deceive others into believing they will be able to enjoy a deep lasting loving relationship with all the obligations and joys it entails. The moment the natural comes rushing back in it will become lacking of a very crucial element, whether you understand it or not. So, please never ever use your bodies to win over the affections of someone else to satisfy your need for approval, love, companionship, parenthood, or any other purpose without being upfront about your sexuality from the word hello.

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God of the Forest

I like the idea that each person has a right to their own bodies and what they choose to do with it. It all sounds like a nice concept and we can tie a very nice ribbon around it. It certainly is the politically correct way today is it not. Which brings me to the question about living with asexual people.

It seems the (present) politically correct view is that an asexual person has the right to his body and should be able to say, directly or by implication, sorry Im not interested in sex with you and likely never will be. You simply dont do anything for me and I have the right to say no. But dont act like that, I dont like any person that way at all, its not you, its me. At least I am not a cheat. I feel no attraction to any person whatsoever. This, it seems to me, is what the asexual community expect the rest of us to accept unconditionally. After all, it is not like our partners are cheating is it and therefore they seem to believe they have the moral high ground. Truth be told, if given the choice I would personally prefer a slut wife to an asexual one. The thing is, I was not given the choice. From most every post I read of people complaining about living with an asexual partner it seems some form of deception occurred at the beginning of the relationship.

My question is now this. Why, if when we just met you allowed me, very enthusiastically, to jump your bones 2 to 3 times a day, let alone a week, I now suddenly find when walking into the bedroom all hard and ready to go the gates to paradise with a bold neon sign that reads (in)definitely closed for business. And since I am a nice understanding husband that really dont want to rape you, or accept your mechanical compliance, I must accept my life of forced chastity. And the answer is to be found in the question though it will never be admitted. The answer is this. If we did not f..k every day the number of times we did for the 18 or so months we did, we would not have become pregnant.

One of my favourite proverbs is like wild horses the natural always comes galloping back in. It means that in the case of my wife, she was asexual before we met but acted like a loving girlfriend and later wife, playing the role of a loving partner and wife both outside and inside the bedroom to a T BJ and all included. Once her need for becoming a mother was fulfilled that changed. The natural came rushing back in, the deception completed, the neon sign went up. And dont even try justifying the deception with an asexual person not being asexual when it does not suit their needs or objectives at any given point in time. The moment that you, as a community, chose to categorise asexuality as sexuality, it was not subject to selectivity, any more than Oscars memory could be as selective as he would have us believe.

So where does it leave me as a loving husband and father. In a pickle to say the least. There is no door that could possibly allow me to live a contented life from this point onwards. Every time I accept her compromise sex I will, at worst, by definition of some be raping her, and at best be left wanting and frustrated because it will be disconnected and mechanical lacking the very ingredient that make sex fantastic, desire. It will always be like driving a fiberglass kit of a Ferrari powered by a barely functional Uno Fire engine with a very sticky gearbox. The experience a very hollow one and you wish you could terminate the ride a few minutes in.

There is always divorce right? But let us not forget, her deception not only made her a mother, it had the unfortunate consequence of leaving a father in its wake. Divorce brings with it the battle for custody that, if successful, will allow me to raise my daughter and leave the object of my affections, my wife, dreadfully unhappy. If unsuccessful, I will get to see my daughter maybe once a week and every other weekend and allow her adult life to be dictated by the lessons only a broken home can teach. Not really an option for me.

I could possibly get her consent to take a lover, which I doubt. But, even if it is something she will allow, wont work all that well for me. In any event it will only delay what will then become an inevitable divorce anyway.

I have not written this post looking for advice. There is no point. The entire basis that acceptance of asexuality is predicated upon is that it will remain part of her personality with no choice of her own. Ergo, no amount of discussion will kindle any form of desire for me, by the very nature of her sexuality it cannot. My only choice is to find really good porn and a good supply of baby oil or to divorce. Since divorce is not an option, and if you feel the compulsion to help, I would appreciate links to good porn.

The purpose of this post is to remind everyone that yes you have a right to your bodies and I will be the last to suggest you unwillingly submit to your partner. But with it comes a responsibility not to deceive others into believing they will be able to enjoy a deep lasting loving relationship with all the obligations and joys it entails. The moment the natural comes rushing back in it will become lacking of a very crucial element, whether you understand it or not. So, please never ever use your bodies to win over the affections of someone else to satisfy your need for approval, love, companionship, parenthood, or any other purpose without being upfront about your sexuality from the word hello.

understand that you're frustrated..and to be honest I hope you don't mean some of the things you are saying in this post, but...

This entire post is about how you feel about it, how it makes you feel, how its depriving you of something. I think your wife's perspective is needed before ANYONE can be able to make an accurate comment or assessment on this. I'd like to hear how she feels because I'm certain she's not happy about the situation either. I recommend a hefty dose of empathy in your case.

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Most people who get into a relationship and later come out as asexual, from every post I have read, didn't even know it at the start. Much like I didn't know asexuality even existed at the start of my relationships. Asexuals can be romantically in love, can feel arousal, can feel aesthetic attraction/romantic attraction, etc. And when we go to our friends/family for advice on "Hey... I feel kinda odd on the sex thing, do people really love it as much as they seem to?" we get told stupid stuff, like "most women aren't that into sex, it's perfectly normal... we just keep doing it for our partners".

Personally, I first mentioned I didn't get attraction at 13 to someone. I was told that was a lie, everyone feels attraction. So, I tried to find what I was attracted to. Then I was told some people aren't into looks, do you like personalities? And yeah, I did. So ha you're attracted. OK! Got into a relationship, sex didn't seem that appealing, but was told you'll get into it once you experience it. Alright! Go on with that. Experience it, still kinda meh. Get told "That's OK, you just have to figure out what you like". Alright. Experiment, experiment, experiment. Still not really into it. Get told I need a better partner, obviously that one isn't doing it for me. Date two more guys, experiment some more. Still not really into it. Next guy expresses interest, I tell HIM that I tend to have trouble maintaining sex in a relationship cause I lose interest within 6 months or so (once limerence fades and I stop being like "Yeah, sure, i'll do any activity even if I hate it if we're together"). I get told it's because all the guys I have dated were young and inexperienced, it wouldn't be an issue with us. Get told by women I know that I just have to do it when he wants, cause that's what women do, men always are more into sex than we are.

... 5 years later, I start googling how to fix a very low libido and stumble across asexuality being mentioned on a random relationship forum. Google asexual. Find AVEN. Finally hear "Oh, yeah, some people just aren't into sex - it's OK, you aren't the only one in the world". Up until then, I was still working under the assumption something had to be medically wrong, or I just hadn't experimented enough to figure out what I like, or maybe I just hadn't found someone I was actually into. Or, maybe my mom was right and women really didn't like sex, after all, she didn't and my grandmother didn't, they just did it for their partners. My friend only liked it once a month.

Flash forward to now, I know very well what I am and how I feel about sex. And I have the vocabulary and knowledge to explain it to someone who wants to date me. And from now on, anyone I get involved with will know flat out - I am not interested in sex, I may have it but not at often and maybe not at all at some point. Back then, I didn't know and many aces didn't either. It's easy to think you should just know your orientation. However, that's not the case at all. Especially not when you have an orientation most people still haven't even heard of.

As for your situation - I can't judge if your wife purposefully lied to you or just didn't know herself. Or, maybe her pregnancy just caused her lack of desire. We can't know, without knowing how she feels. You can talk to her about it, to figure it out. As for the compromise being rape, no, no it's not. She can still consent without desire. It may not be what you want, but if she is agreeing to it and it's not being forced by you, it's not rape. And she very well could be doing it out of love.

And if you're not happy, you could discuss how you'd raise your child together if it doesn't work out. There are a lot more options in custody cases than just "weekends" or "full custody". You are free to make a more even schedule, or live nearby so you can both be in their life full time, etc etc. Have you discussed possibilities with your wife? As a child of divorced parents, I was much happier once they split than when they were together and miserable. And I had to go to some "divorce class" with other kids of divorcing parents (state law thing) and ... all of them were happy their parents were splitting, cause they too wanted their parents to stop being miserable together.

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Siimo van der fietspad

Before I realised I was asexual, I had a relationship in which my partner really desired sex and felt as if it was her fault that I couldn't do it, as I had no other explanation (to summarise a long and uncomfortable backstory). I still feel bad about making her feel like this, to put it mildly, so I know exactly what you are feeling. You've said you are not coming here for advice so I won't preach any to you, only to say that you should be certain of what your wife actually thinks. Perhaps she is questioning all sorts of things about herself and her feelings.

In a way, I would be more relieved if there was a 'politically correct' consensus about asexuality, at least it would mean we were visible and acknowledged as actually existing...

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One of my favourite proverbs is like wild horses the natural always comes galloping back in. It means that in the case of my wife, she was asexual before we met but acted like a loving girlfriend and later wife, playing the role of a loving partner and wife both outside and inside the bedroom to a T BJ and all included. Once her need for becoming a mother was fulfilled that changed. The natural came rushing back in, the deception completed, the neon sign went up. And dont even try justifying the deception with an asexual person not being asexual when it does not suit their needs or objectives at any given point in time. The moment that you, as a community, chose to categorise asexuality as sexuality, it was not subject to selectivity, any more than Oscars memory could be as selective as he would have us believe.

Something here I would like to point out, for plenty of asexuals out there there isn't really any such thing as the "community" you're describing. They don't know it exists. They likely don't even know anything is wrong with them at first. All they get told is often something like "don't knock it until you try it." And some of them end up trying it, hoping for something to change... and it doesn't happen. They end up feeling like they're messed up. And some of them still might not know why.

All I can really tell you is, as long as you believe you have been willfully lied to and deceived by your wife's "neon signs", this is something that you're likely never going to come to peace with.

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Sockstealingnome

Your wife very well could have had no idea about her asexuality as others have already pointed out. Quite frankly, I would just go for the divorce. Obviously you two have different needs and what seemed compatible at first isn't working anymore. It's not a failing on either party's part. Things change and there's no way of telling in which direction it will go. You both sound miserable together. I don't understand the need to continue being miserable, not even if there's a child involved. If anything it sounds like you don't want to make the hard changes.

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If an asexual already knows that they're ace... yes, I agree with the OP. Coming out to a partner very early - no later than the third date at the absolute latest - is an ethical duty. Anything else is indeed leading someone on, IMO. If an ace is not ready to come out to a potential partner, they should simply refrain from dating people, period. Pretense and lies are never okay.

Of course, as has already been said - not every ace is aware of it, and if they aren't, it's a tragic situation that can't be helped, and for which nobody is to blame.

Obviously, I'm not in the place to decide which of these two scenarios is the one that actually happened in the OP's situation. But I'm not ready to jump on the wagon of denying that it may indeed have been the former. We'd need to hear her side of the story for that - but the possibility that she was 100% in the wrong is a possibility.

Either way... if it's come to such a climate of putting blame and belief to have been deceived from day one... yep, no matter if it's scenario 1 or 2, separation/divorce seems the bst option to me.

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You say "divorce is not an option." So you are dooming yourself, your wife, and your children to a future of you being bitter and feeling that your wife tricked you. Is that a good outcome? Perhaps you want to punish your wife for her supposed deceit. Do you really want to punish your children? Because they will know how you feel about their mother, and it's likely their feelings about you may suffer.

I'm really not sure why you think there should be a custody battle. Is that because you feel that if your children's mother doesn't want sex with you, she wouldn't be a good mother?

Anger and bitterness only feed themselves until they poison everything. You don't want advice, but I'll give it anyway: get some counseling so your feelings about your wife don't ruin your family's lives. And then carefully consider divorce.

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As a child of divorced parents, I was much happier once they split than when they were together and miserable. And I had to go to some "divorce class" with other kids of divorcing parents (state law thing) and ... all of them were happy their parents were splitting, cause they too wanted their parents to stop being miserable together.

Correct; studies prove that a majority of children have a far better mental health with divorced parents rather than staying in an unhappy marriage (link).

I wish there were people who spoke at schools who positively talked about divorce so that so many people didn't think it was a bad/impossible thing to do. It would both benefit their future relationships and how to react if their parents decide to as well. Maybe they could even touch upon how to handle fights better. Maybe how to handle a partner coming out as gay, straight, bi, trans, not liking sexual or sensual things that they previously consented to, etc.

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Cinnamon Biscuit

I think it's a given that any healthy relationship is built on honesty, not deception. I completely agree no one should be dishonest about their sexuality starting their relationship.

Speaking as an adult with parents who divorced recently. You are not doing your kid a favor by sticking it out. It's not less painful for your kid if you divorce later and can it be worse. Moreover, kids having a front row seat to a dysfunctional relationship will screw them up more so than not. You'd be instilling dysfunction into them, directly and indirectly. And if you can fake a functional relation on the surface and your kid believes the lie, it will mentally screw them up when the truth comes out. If you want to do justice for your kid, be a healthy adult to the best of your abilities. If you can't have a healthy relationship with her mother and can't make it work, don't. Find someone who you can be in a healthy relationship with and set an example for your daughter.

You're not a bad person, father, or husband if you divorce or get custody. Custody is about what living arrangement is best for the child, not the parent's happiness. Your wife's total happiness shouldn't be tied into custody or children. Children aren't forever, they're mortal. They grow up too. What is important is you both have a relationship with your daughter. That won't change with divorce.

If it's your wife's dream to be a "mother" or something, she can adopt, do foster care, or find a sexually compatible partner to have children with. If all her happiness hinges on custody, that's her issue to come to terms with.

Divorce is ugly, no one will be "happy". There's no win-win, but marriage can be more destructive than divorce.


Obviously, I'm not in the place to decide which of these two scenarios is the one that actually happened in the OP's situation. But I'm not ready to jump on the wagon of denying that it may indeed have been the former. We'd need to hear her side of the story for that - but the possibility that she was 100% in the wrong is a possibility.

This.

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The reality of the situation is the reality of the situation. Accept or don't accept her asexuality, but your feelings about it aren't going to change it.

I'm so sick of the sexual men on AVEN who believe that a tit-for-tat, one piece for you, one piece for me sort of eight year old's concept of "fairness" can be applied to relationships. It simply doesn't matter that you used to have sex with your wife. She has a right to change her mind. People grow and change, and your only choice in the matter is how you respond. You can sit down and cry about fairness or you can accept that your spouse is a human being completely outside your own personhood and you have no right to demand their compliance in meeting your needs, and you have no right to guilt them for being unable to.

*storms off*

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So, please never ever use your bodies to win over the affections of someone else to satisfy your need for approval, love, companionship, parenthood, or any other purpose without being upfront about your sexuality from the word hello.

How is this even controversial.

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1st of all: My condolence.

Next: do you really think people know about their asexuality? Or themselves? - I'd say I neither know me nor am I sure about mine.

The frequently reported dialogue: "I think I am asexual." - "BS, you just haven't found the right person yet." surely doesn't help cases like yours either.

I'm neither female nor a parent but recall having read and experienced that female interest in sex can be scarily motherhood focused sometimes and apparently significantly endangered by child birth too.

Bottom line of that: From a sexual male POV it might be wise to procrastinate a wedding until one feels somewhat secure about recreational sex (with contraception!) being supplied after child birth.

I have no clue in what kind of legal system you might be living. And am seriously wondering why a battle over single parent custody might be needed. - Over here its an option to give a father equal rights and sort all that shit peacefully outside court or at least have equal rights given just in case and find arrangements that exceed the court ruling.

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First off, even if you wife is sexual she has a right to deny you sex if she doesn't want it (for whatever reason). Vice versa too of course, but that doesn't seem to be relevant in this specific case.

Second off, as many have said, few know that they are asexual, and thus can't decieve people. Women, in particular, gets hit a lot with the fact that they have no sex drive and to even express sexual desire makes them a dirty slut - thus, ace women think it is normal that they don't want sex, because no woman does. It is a false narrative, but it exists and if you want to prevent it maybe don't go around using words like 'slut' because that feeds into the premise that any woman who wants sex is a dirty whore and it is the default for women to not want it.

Thirdly, having a child is hard busniness, If sex was already a chore it is no wonder that with a new little being draining energy, that sex is the chore which gets downpriotized.

Fourthly, nobody here on AVEN recommends lying to a partner. In fact we all say the opposite and advice people to communicate. You are here to rant instead of talking things over with your wife.

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Nigellaseed

I think there is a few of you that are being a little unfair here. I felt your first paragraph about her having the right to deny sex is totally irrelevant in this thread. When people get married to a sexual then there is usually an understanding that there will be sex involved on some kind of level. Just like denying somebody hugs, kisses, love, food, conversation etc etc what I mean is, withholding sex from a sexual person is just the same. It is just part of the jigsaw that fits us together. They are all important components.

As for the comments from Tarfeather and Skullery...well that did surprise me and I thought was quite unhelpful considering what you two post often makes sense to me.

I consider myself to be a feminist and I did not take the slut reference as personal. What I did find was that it is quite difficult to post a full description of one's situation for fearing it will be too long winded and we do all need to hear more from sexual husband. Maybe it is all fairly new and circumstances are quite raw so maybe we should be more sensitive and less judgmental?

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Telecaster68

Skulls

I don't think the OP is talking about a tit for tat 'how dare she change her mind', he's saying sexual partners are routinely, overwhelming (though not exclusively I admit) told to STFU when we point out that it's bloody painful to deal with such a huge change and a significant part of that pain is that we have no choice over it.

For the asexual, that change isn't a deception (mostly) but self realisation. For an asexual it's often a relief. For sexual partners, it triggers a grieving process.

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I think there is a few of you that are being a little unfair here. I felt your first paragraph about her having the right to deny sex is totally irrelevant in this thread. When people get married to a sexual then there is usually an understanding that there will be sex involved on some kind of level. Just like denying somebody hugs, kisses, love, food, conversation etc etc what I mean is, withholding sex from a sexual person is just the same.

Withholding food would literally kill a person. Saying "I will not have sex with you anymore" just hurts and gives them the thoughts of leaving (which is a totally valid option). Pretty big difference. Especially since... one would be kinda illegal...

Yes, there is an understanding sex is just part of relationships, among the majority of people (which, that is actually why I had sex, cause it was just what ya do). And it only becomes something you can tell your potential partner about if you happen to know it yourself. That's why visibility is so, so important. The sooner aces can realize what they feel and that what they feel is perfectly OK... the sooner "I wasn't told until we were married for years" can go away. Sure, there might be a few that lie on purpose (I have seen some say they think it's OK to do) but the majority won't want to put themselves or their partners through that sort of pain.

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Telecaster68

"And it only becomes something you can tell your potential partner about if you happen to know it yourself. That's why visibility is so, so important."

Youre conflating knowing about asexuality and knowing you don't want to have sex. By definition, you know you don't want to have sex, and that *can* be shared. The unknowable areas of figuring out if that'll change and whether you feel the same as your partner and whether that can be worked out are only helped marginally by knowing about asexuality, from what I can see. Where asexual visibility helps a lot is personal acceptance, rather than relationship dynamics (and in a weird way it might actually help asexual partners more because it means it's not personal).

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Nigellaseed

Ok Serran, point taken about food...but my gist was...he feels broken too and I think the guy needs support and I really did not read his Op as a criticism towards Asexuals. We need to cut him some slack.

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"And it only becomes something you can tell your potential partner about if you happen to know it yourself. That's why visibility is so, so important."

Youre conflating knowing about asexuality and knowing you don't want to have sex. By definition, you know you don't want to have sex, and that *can* be shared. The unknowable areas of figuring out if that'll change and whether you feel the same as your partner and whether that can be worked out are only helped marginally by knowing about asexuality, from what I can see. Where asexual visibility helps a lot is personal acceptance, rather than relationship dynamics (and in a weird way it might actually help asexual partners more because it means it's not personal).

Asexual visibility helps in personal acceptance and relationship dynamics. If, the multitude of times I told someone about my lack of attraction, I had once been told "Ya know, some people just aren't into people that way" I would not have pushed myself to "find out what I like" ... like every adult, peer and expert I looked towards told me to do. Which means I would not have ended up in four different sexual relationships, pushing myself to experiment in things I didn't even want to do (and some things I regret) trying to "spark" my interest. I never would have ended up married, I would have accepted my "loss of interest" in sex instead of assuming I was just sick, or broken, or needed a better partner, or needed to push myself more. But, when you're told from the time you are 13 and first express disinterest that EVERYONE likes this and EVERYONE is into it and EVERYONE has to experiment til they find what they like and if experimenting isn't working, you need to see a doctor to find out what is wrong... you aren't going to go into a relationship going "Hey, I do not desire sex and never will. That OK with you?" ... especially not if you're young and all the adults and "experts" in your life are telling you that you'll one day feel it and it's OK if you don't right now, just keep at it and one day you'll feel all the passion.

And I am not the only one. I know lots of people who have said "I finally know it's OK to not have sex, I don't have to push myself anymore!" when they found AVEN. And sure, sometimes that ended their relationships. But, they finally had the ability to tell their partner what they felt about sex. And sometimes that ended their feeling bad they didn't have a sexual relationship and prevented them getting into one, meaning they never had to go through 10 years of heart break and regret to figure out they weren't just a broken sexual after all.

So, yeah, asexual visibility will stop a lot of these surprise mixed relationships. It would have easily prevented mine. Because, lots of people like me and others I have talked to, would not have felt like they were broken, or late bloomers, or just "low libido'd" (which, one article in a popular psychology magazine I read when I was looking into my "low libido" said that it was the low libido partner's job to have sex and pretend to be into it, even if they weren't, to make the high libido'd person feel loved, else you're rejecting their love and hurting their mental health)... they will accept what they feel and not feel like they are obligated to have sex and enjoy it somehow, because part of being human is having sex.

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Telecaster68

Those are all about your happiness though (and nothing wrong with that). They're not about making a relationship work better,

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Youre conflating knowing about asexuality and knowing you don't want to have sex. By definition, you know you don't want to have sex, and that *can* be shared.

That isn't necessarily a given either. A lot of aces entering relationships might not have even had sex before. And like they so often get told, they can't know they don't want it if they haven't even tried it, right?

But by then, it's apparently too late to do anything. The sexual has been "trapped" and the "neon signs" have been put out, according to people like the OP here.

Those are all about your happiness though (and nothing wrong with that). They're not about making a relationship work better,

If a relationship is not about a pursuit of (hopefully mutual) happiness, what the hell IS it about?

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Those are all about your happiness though (and nothing wrong with that). They're not about making a relationship work better,

...

Nothing will make an incompatible relationship work better. It's about knowing how you feel and that it's not likely to change and that it's OK meaning... you can tell a potential partner. Meaning, they can go in with full knowledge. Meaning, these "I was married for years before I was told" cases will start being less and less the more asexuals find themselves before they get into the relationship.

I never once said "asexual visibility will make the current surprise mixed relationships compatible where they are not". I said That's why visibility is so, so important. The sooner aces can realize what they feel and that what they feel is perfectly OK... the sooner "I wasn't told until we were married for years" can go away.

As in... aces can tell their partner before they are years into a relationship. Because visibility increasing means more are finding out they aren't sexual before they get into that situation. And a relationship dynamic is a lot healthier if they know before it starts that their partner is ace and they accept it, than if the asexual finds out years into the relationship after both are emotionally invested.

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Telecaster68

I agree with all that, but ultimately they're all about how an asexual feels about themselves playing out into the relationship.

And the bit about compatability... for me, knowing about asexuality meant I could accept (intellectually at least) that the lack of sex wasn't about me or an indication of something else wrong in the relationship, which helped me be kiss resentful and anxious, which in turn helped the dynamics of the relationship. So it may not solve incompatibility, but it can definitely help.

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Youre conflating knowing about asexuality and knowing you don't want to have sex. By definition, you know you don't want to have sex, and that *can* be shared.

That isn't necessarily a given either. A lot of aces entering relationships might not have even had sex before. And like they so often get told, they can't know they don't want it if they haven't even tried it, right?

But by then, it's apparently too late to do anything. The sexual has been "trapped" and the "neon signs" have been put out, according to people like the OP here.

Ha, yeah, I tried it and I was still told over and over again that it's OK to not like it at first - just keep trying. How in the world are we supposed to, especially when we're young and stupidly put our trust in "older and wiser adults", know that that isn't true and we just simply don't want sex? At 19, after expressing disinterest in sex to my then potential partner, he just said "Your partners were young and inexperienced, you won't have that issue with me, don't worry". And my female (sexual friend) was like "Yeah, I only want it once a month, I mostly just do it for my boyfriend cause he wants it. Totes normal!" And a married couple (much older) was like "Yeah, we go months not wanting to be intimate. Some months he doesn't want to at all, some months I don't want to at all - so it's been a while since we had sex, it's totally normal once a relationship ages! Don't worry!"

... it's not like we can just go "Oh hey, don't want sex" and be 100% trusting of our own feelings immediately, with no support, while the world is giving us a totally different meaning. Even IF we experience sex and don't like it, we're still told a plethora of nonsense. I wish at 15-19 I could have "just known" I didn't want sex, it would have saved me a lot of trouble. haha

I agree with all that, but ultimately they're all about how an asexual feels about themselves playing out into the relationship.

And the bit about compatability... for me, knowing about asexuality meant I could accept (intellectually at least) that the lack of sex wasn't about me or an indication of something else wrong in the relationship, which helped me be kiss resentful and anxious, which in turn helped the dynamics of the relationship. So it may not solve incompatibility, but it can definitely help.

It can, in some cases... in others it won't help at all. But, if you had known up front, before the relationship began that sex would be an issue between you, a lot of the resentment and stuff could have been avoided all together (or, you could have avoided the relationship). The point of visibility helping is that it removes the "surprise" element and the asexual knowing themselves means they can explain that to the sexual. And the sexual can then make the decision to start a relationship, or not. Which is more ideal than falling in love then they figure themselves out. Sure, figuring themselves out at all can help, a little. But, it being an up front at the start thing helps a lot more, on both sides.

Of course, there will always be some surprise ones. Homosexuals sometimes figure themselves out after years of marriage, after all. But, it will cut down on it a lot.

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Figure out what's more important to you - a "battle" and "punishing" your wife, or arrangements that everyone can live with and your daughter's well-being.

Ok Serran, point taken about food...but my gist was...he feels broken too and I think the guy needs support and I really did not read his Op as a criticism towards Asexuals. We need to cut him some slack.

No slack deserved if he automatically assumes all aces are consciously deceiving their partners if they don't have themselves figured out the moment they start dating. Might be true for his wife (I obviously don't know her or the entire situation, so it's a possibility), but even then, he seems more interested in "getting back" at his wife than in handling this issue in a somewhat mature way for the sake of their daughter (who's obviously not at fault for anything that happens or doesn't happen in her parents' sex life).
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nanogretchen4

The fact is that the OP has just received devastating news and is in a very bad position. He needs to go through a grieving process, and anger is a very natural step in that process. I agree that his best strategic option at this point would probably be an amicable divorce with some sort of shared custody arrangement, but he needs to process his grief for the marriage he thought he had before he's going to be ready to navigate that.

Frankly I think his wife has done a bad thing. She may have done it unintentionally. There are probably all kinds of reasons and mitigating factors. But at the end of the day she has caused harm to another person and I think it's right to acknowledge that. In time the OP may understand her reasons and have compassion for them. The ideal would be if they could have enough friendship and respect to work together smoothly as parents. But that's going to take time.

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Nigellaseed

He did not accuse ALL Aces of that Sisky, he just has said that if they knew before, then maybe he could make a choice. I am sure he is thinking about his daughters well being and also his wife (as I read it). I did not read any 'getting back' in it. You only quoted me??

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Telecaster68

A lot of aces entering relationships might not have even had sex before. And like they so often get told, they can't know they don't want it if they haven't even tried it, right?

But we're told (by we, I mean AVEN as a community) that since asexuality is an orientation, you don't need to have had sex to know you don't want to have it, in the same way I know I'm not interested in sex with men without trying it. Okay, you may not have a name for it (which is where I agree more visibility would be a Good Thing) but you know what you feel like.

You can't have it both ways - you know you don't want sex, and yet you don't know...

... it's not like we can just go "Oh hey, don't want sex" and be 100% trusting of our own feelings immediately

In which case you don't know, so the much hated 'you don't know till you've tried it' comment is in fact valid.

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