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Confused on grey and demi? Not sure where I fall...


ConfusedRogue

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ConfusedRogue

I'm confused on the difference between demi and grey sexuals? I've been reading some other posts and there seems to be some serious opinions on the separation of the two. I don't want to say I'm something I'm not because I misunderstood something.

I'm trying to identify where I fit in but having never been in a relationship (literally) it's hard to know what I would feel under different circumstances? I can feel that someone is attractive but would never imagine anything between us sexually. It's more like 'wow, so-and-so is really hot in that new movie.' But I can't picture myself involved with them sexually. But I do find relationships between characters in books or on television sexy, but never in relation to me.

​Does that sound more one than the other?

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Demisexuality is the possibility of desiring sexual activity with someone only once a strong bond is formed.

The grey area between asexuality and sexuality includes demisexuals, and is quite a broad term. Often people in the grey area desire sex rarely, or under very specific circumstances.

You don't need to have been in a relationship to know whether or not you desire sex with someone, but be aware that the desire can be triggered once you get close to someone (both emotionally and physically).

It's up to you how you identify, but if you're absolutely not fussed about sex in the slightest, that'd be closer to asexual, in my opinion.

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I'm confused on the difference between demi and grey sexuals? I've been reading some other posts and there seems to be some serious opinions on the separation of the two. I don't want to say I'm something I'm not because I misunderstood something.

I'm trying to identify where I fit in but having never been in a relationship (literally) it's hard to know what I would feel under different circumstances? I can feel that someone is attractive but would never imagine anything between us sexually. It's more like 'wow, so-and-so is really hot in that new movie.' But I can't picture myself involved with them sexually. But I do find relationships between characters in books or on television sexy, but never in relation to me.

​Does that sound more one than the other?

I 100% completely identify with this. :cake:

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I can feel that someone is attractive but would never imagine anything between us sexually.

Does that sound more one than the other?

It doesn't sound like either. Aesthetic attraction is not sexual desire; it is strictly platonic admirance of beauty.

Secondly, your orientation should be based on fact and not theory; if you end up feeling otherwise then you can change what you go by then.

Also, do you experience romantic attraction?

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ConfusedRogue

Not really? Like I've never fantasized or imagineed myself in a relationship with anyone real or fictional but I like to read or watch romances

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nanogretchen4

Based on your post, it is within the bounds of possibility that you could be asexual, gray, demisexual, or regular sexual but inexperienced. If you feel like you want to date people, you may have more information once you try it. Do you desire sex after you start making out with with someone? That's regular sexual, even if it doesn't kick in until after the first few times you have sex. Do you desire sex with one particular person all of a sudden after having a close nonsexual relationship with them for years, and is that the only way it ever happens for you? That's demisexual. Do you desire sex, like, once every two years, with no clear pattern? That's gray. Do you have a desire to do partnered activities that are sexually stimulating but have absolutely no desire for genital contact? That might be gray. Do you have no intrinsic desire for partnered sexual activity ever, under any circumstances? That's asexual.

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ConfusedRogue

i'm almost 30 years old and I've never been kissed, never really wanted to and have never done or wanted to do anything more physical. I don't really know if I imagine that someday I could in the right circumstances because I really could or because I'm struggling with what I feel I should want.

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but I like to read or watch romances

That's not an indication of a romantic orientation. Many straight women are fans of gay couples; that has no impact on who they desire sex/romance with. You may also be aromantic. And asexuals can sexually compromise, but it still doesn't change anything because they do not desire sex; they're just willing to tolerate it.

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Demi is one specific kind of grey. If you're grey, you aren't necessarily demi, but if you're demi, you're necessarily grey.

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nanogretchen4

I'm demi, but I don't think I'm gray. I'm too similar to a typical sexual person once I finally develop attraction to someone. Gray sexuals generally seem to desire sex very infrequently and/or feel much more ambivalent about it than I do.

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That's not what Gray-sexual means. It's a term used for when someone desires sex that differs from the norm. Rarely desiring it or having contradicting feelings are only two things under its wide umbrella.

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nanogretchen4

I still think I'm demi, and I still don't think I'm gray. But if it is really personally important to you to believe that I am gray, I guess your belief system is your own business.

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I'm demi, but I don't think I'm gray. I'm too similar to a typical sexual person once I finally develop attraction to someone. Gray sexuals generally seem to desire sex very infrequently and/or feel much more ambivalent about it than I do.

I see myself as both Demi and grey, mostly Demi (like you describe)... except some people just seem to fast track the 'getting to know someone' - and I know I want to sleep with them instantly........but is rarer or non-reciprocated!

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I'm just saying what's actually under Gray's umbrella; you can identify as you please.

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asexuals can sexually compromise, but it still doesn't change anything because they do not desire sex; they're just willing to tolerate it.

I'm glad you mentioned this. I was starting to worry - from reading other responses - that I was technically more grey. I'm not. I'm 100% ace. I'd have sex if I really loved a sexual, but I have no desire at all for sex.

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I'm demi.

I felt attraction for the first time towards a close friend of mine. There weren't any romantic feelings involved, I just thought she was an awesome human being. She's the only person I have ever felt attraction towards in all my life (so far). I had known her for more than three years before the attraction set in.

I have been in love without feeling attraction. So far I have not developed attraction to any of the people I have been in love with, but hopefully that will happen at some point. As of right now there is nobody I have any romantic feelings towards, however, so there's that.

I don't know if any of that helps or not, but there you go.

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binary suns

gray is a pretty undefined term, and can be pretty controversial. but well, that's kind of what people mean when they talk about a gray area.

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No, Demi means they desire sex/romance after an emotional bond.

Gray is an umbrella term for when someone desires sex/romance that differs from the norm; demi is under its umbrella.

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erikagenerika

You guys.... I'm thoroughly lost. I know I'm on the grey sexual spectrum somewhere but it's all so confusing! I might also be demi? Here's what I do know, I had a boyfriend for 2 years and yes I had sex with him but most of the time...actually almost all of the time I was bored or just didn't find it entirely enjoyable. There was maybe 2 times that I did enjoy it. I did care for him a lot and the times I enjoyed it were kind of random the moods and settings and what not were pretty much the same everytime so I don't know what made these particular times different. I am no longer with this guy he was just the only experience that really stuck with me. I have a friend now that while I dont find him physically attractive I seem to attatched to him emotionally but I dont want to sleep with him although I don't think I would entirely swear it off. UGH my head is a mess right now!

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Asexuals can enjoy sex too, they just never desire/yearn for it with the purpose of sexual or emotional pleasure. While typically paired, desire and enjoyment are actually two different things. Physical attraction is an inaccurate word because it can be intended and interpreted as 3 different things; sexual attraction, sensual attraction, and aesthetic attraction. Also, what do you mean by emotional attraction? Is it an atempted synonym for romantic attraction? Or do you mean you just admire him emotionally like a favorite character? (which is how it's used here) Or do you have a desire to befriend him? There are 6 types of attraction, maybe i should list them.

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erikagenerika

Aesthetically or sexually I'm not attracted to him but there have been times where I just want to be with him and hold onto him but I don't want to sleep with him. I've opened up to him in ways I've never opened up to anyone so it confuses me a little bit I can't work out if I am interested in him romantically or just strictly best friend type material (I'm probably having some other issue that I just don't see yet.) I've been friends with him for almost 2 years so these sudden feelings have thrown me through a loop. I'm sorry having trouble explaining what I mean by emotionally attracted to him like, I sorta like him in a way I wouldn't a normal friend and not really like a favorite character kind of way either......I tried to post a response earlier and thought I did but I don't know what happened to it so if it magically appears later I apologize for the repetitiveness.

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Salted Karamel

I'm so confused. I thought grey and demi were the same........

All whales are mammals but not all mammals are whales.

All apples are fruits but not all fruits are apples.

All demisexuals are graysexual but not all graysexuals are demisexual.

Does that help any? "Demisexual" is a subset within the "graysexual" category.

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