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Asexuals guys in relationships


Devon1967

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I'm a asexual male and I'm wanting to know what is it like for us guys on aven that are in relationships married or single how do you all cope with sexual partners what compromising do you come up with what do you do when a girl flirts with you how do you tell her about being asexual or do you just make out your the same as them sexual and have sex because that's what guys are suppose to do I know I'm not the only guy on here but it feels like it and want all you guys to have your say about it on this thread

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I'm female, but I'm going to watch this thread. I'm really curious to see how 'the other half' view it. I hope that's okay?

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I'm totally fine with that too just curious how the opposite sex are to being asexual. Being in sexual dominate society and if males are different to females. And how we see things do we see things different or even the same be good to know if this is the case.

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For me, being asexual is not as much a challenge in a relationship as being Aromantic. Looking back at my last relationship, I think the asexual part was fine, I explained that upfront, I told her I liked her and was attracted to her in many ways which I listed out, and I explained that I just wasn't attracted to her sexually. I also assured her that other than my lack of asexual attraction, our relationship could be very normal including Sex since I am not celibate. What I didn't tell her was that I Am also Aromantic and in the end that is what doomed the relationship because she complained about things like me not holding her hands etc.

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I disagree. I think asexuality is a big stumbling block. I don't care how upfront you are or how hard you explain it, if the other person is wired a different way it will always eventually come up again and again. We forget that 99 percent of the population DOES NOT see romance and sex as separate but as intersecting. They do see things like kissing and holding hands as a sign of you being sexually attracted to them.

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Falling Snow

I made the mistake of not telling the only girl I have ever loved before hand. She wanted sex, and I was the exact opposite and didn't tell her until later on which is why I believe we didn't work out. But, if I ever meet anyone else, it'll be one of the first things I will tell her. Will not make that mistake again, the longer it lasts, the more it hurts when it's over.

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I'm married and only recently found out about being asexual. For years I felt there was something missing no spark nothing to fan the flames and get the fire started. Just went through life thinking this is how it suppose to be.

As i growing up in my teens nothining happening people telling you your a late bloomer and you'll meet someone someday. Then you meet someone and think I got a girlfriend but still something missing never had sex so I try it and still nothing then I use to think she's not the one time to move on and find someone else another failed relationship maybe next time it will be different.

The same pattern like you meet someone get to know them become friends then you have a relationship but never any of them did I feel sexual attraction to any of them just same pattern repeating over and over.

I have always questioned my sexuality as far back as I can remember. I thought I wasn't sexually attracted to girls then I must be gay maybe I like guys and found them sexually attractive. But I didn't feel that way with guys so I knew I wasn't into guys either. Then I started looking into why I don't feel any sexual attraction on the Internet and found out what I was I was indeed a asexual person and I don't feel sexual attraction to any gender male of female and know why I am like I am.

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I made the mistake of not telling the only girl I have ever loved before hand. She wanted sex, and I was the exact opposite and didn't tell her until later on which is why I believe we didn't work out. But, if I ever meet anyone else, it'll be one of the first things I will tell her. Will not make that mistake again, the longer it lasts, the more it hurts when it's over.

sorry to here that I told my wife which was a huge shock but because we have been together a long time we are working through things I find it difficult to tell others as I don't know how they would see it like a lot of my male friends go on about women who they would like to have sex with and makes it awkward to tell them that side just has no interest in at all do you guys feel the same or it just me being weird around the whole sexual thing
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sorry to here that I told my wife which was a huge shock but because we have been together a long time we are working through things I find it difficult to tell others as I don't know how they would see it like a lot of my male friends go on about women who they would like to have sex with and makes it awkward to tell them that side just has no interest in at all do you guys feel the same or it just me being weird around the whole sexual thing

I know I'm a girl, but I don't think you are weird at all. I feel exactly the same. And girls are just as bad with the whole 'oh I want to have sex with that guy' thing.

I've found this thread really informative and helpful, thank you. It's nice to know guys feel the same.

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I find it very difficult soon as sex is mentioned in conversation like when I'm out and mates say what do you think of her in like yes she's nice and there like nice she's hot and then it's awkward plus Im struggling too with it all been with my wife a long time and the hardest thing I find is not being compatable with each other she is very sexual and since this has all been found out she is now meeting other guys for sex I thought I can handle it but I'm finding this very hard because if I was sexual she wouldn't be doing sexual things with other guys I'm in a tricky situation I'd love to be with her that way but I'm struggling really bad that I can't and she's having sex with other men but I'm so jealous of the sex with others and don't know how I can get over it plus I don't want to be without her I love her but this is really hurting me

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I hope nobody feels I am hijacking this thread. I'll shut up if you prefer :P.

Did you and your wife talk about her going outside of marriage before she did?

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I'm male too. - I only had a short relationship after realizing my asexuality and played along. - I.e. I believed to love her dearly, enjoyed the making out and everything and when she appeared to want sex I tried to give it.

I have no issues being open about sex to other guys AKA "playing as dumb as I am":

  • I feel able to state that I might like somebody.
  • I can easily tell why somebody doesn't appear suitable to me. When asked about co-workers I rule one out for her too brightly colored clothes (I love faded washed out ones) others due to their voices...
  • I don't think about sex with unknown people I am not making out with yet, period!

Walking in Devon's shoes I'd probably state: "I'm too exhaustingly married to kind of a nymphomaniac, to think about anything else than pulling a sickie if it comes to even more sex with additional people." - FTR: I'd ask them who have to be obeyed - monster in law? - wife? - if it is OK to call her, who demands sex 5 times per year (or more frequently) a nympho. Being in one's late 40s it might spice up the public version to look up nasty side effects of Viagra and lament about suffering badly from one of them.

Jealousy: Not really my trait. - I might envy somebody for something I'd like to have (in my size etc.) too. But I believe in a fre market. - If I can't deliver somebody else should, as long as all are kind of happy & content. - If I love somebody I am glad to hear about her getting her share of good sex.

For marriage / relationship preservation I'd suggest doing great things she might like (I hope those aren't limited to spending big on surplus stuff) with her, when you two are together.

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Anime Pancake

I've been single for some years, but when I was in romantic relationships with sexual people it didn't really go well for me. I'm not sure if it was because I was asexual or for other reasons.

The girls I was dating (not at the same time) eventually said that they wanted to have sex eventually. I'm not interested in sex at all so I told them that. Eventually they ended the relationships without really telling me why.

If I am interested in a heterosexual person, if they seem really interested in sex or too sexual, I lose interest in them.

I was really disappointed in my previous relationships because I really enjoyed spending time with, but they wanted sex and I'm not interested in sex at all so they just left the whole relationship.

I'm not interested in going through that again, so I don't date sexual people anymore.

To me, relationships are about being around someone that I like. Spending time together. Not about physically touching each other.

I think that kissing in a relationship would probably be fun, but if I was in a relationship and the person didn't want us to kiss, I would be fine with it! I just want to be around the person I like and spend time together. I wouldn't leave a relationship just because of something that's really not important like kissing or sex.

So yeah, I don't really understand why sexual interaction is so important to some people so I gave up on dating sexual people lol

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I was married once. It didn't work out. I don't attempt to date or find a partner anymore.

Sorry to here that and hope you are all ok and find happiness someday when you want to find a partner

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If someone flirted with me I probably wouldn't notice tbh...

That's me to a tee ha ha don't see the signs either

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I disagree. I think asexuality is a big stumbling block. I don't care how upfront you are or how hard you explain it, if the other person is wired a different way it will always eventually come up again and again. We forget that 99 percent of the population DOES NOT see romance and sex as separate but as intersecting. They do see things like kissing and holding hands as a sign of you being sexually attracted to them.

It's a challenge that we have to get over but I think the more visible we are the more we can be accepted it's true we are wired different and see things differently too but sexuals also see it different to us as well so it's a difficult one to explain to the 99% that don't even really know anything about asexuality I only found out not long ago always questioning my self looking for the answers which aven has helped me understand

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Once I did find AVEN, man was that a great moment in my life, I told my close friends "I'm asexual". And as gossip is a national sport around here I'm convinced everyone that needs to know it, knows it now.

I'm oblivious to flirting, both ways, so no idea when it happens to me. This has put me in some unpleasant situations. Getting insulted and a couple of drinks in my face, called gay/asshole/fils-de-pute, grabbed while she was trying to push her tongue into my mouth, pushed against a wall, hands at very specific places on my body, ... Anyway, got the picture I presume.

I'm single, but wouldn't mind meeting someone of course, but I need to see a black ring or be certain she's ace like me before I'm even trying anything. I'm not going to add more shizzz to the already existing mixed fiasco. I could compromise, did it, but that's "job done" never again.

"99.99999% of the human males claim to be Sexual, look them up for getting laid my dear." (my thoughts of course)

I know some had issues or found it weird, me being asexual, but after a while folks get used to it.

Always funny to see someone "woaw, look at her man" and I'm like "sure, want me to ask her phone number for you?".

Or to see the grin on the face of the barmaid at my usual place when some girl/woman shows interrest in me.

Or being looked at by girls/woman and my mates "c'mon Eric, she likes you, ATTACK!"

I'm not a jealous person but I'm not convinced I would be comfortable to have my girlfriend being sexually intimate with anyone somewhere else. I don't know, it sounds a bit weird. I presume I could get used to it although after some time and see it as a tuperware party of her own that I'm not interrested in.

My only regret, always will, is not having become a father. But as long as I didn't know what was different with me, being ace, I never took the risk to look and go for a relation to could lead to something serrious.

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Hi. I'm a... flex-sexual? I've been identifying as asexual for the last, eh, half-dozen years, about since the time my wife and I split for the first time. I can get along with the sexual side of relationships to a degree, but it'd just be false advertising to say I'm anything but ace. I don't think about sex the way my wife does, for example, but we seemed to agree on sex in a lot of ways: it's useful for intimacy, fun, and whatever else... but it's never going to occur to me to seek anyone but myself for those things in a sexual context. She didn't always want it hanging over my head as a chore and neither did I, and we didn't have the time, money, or patience to mess with any of the drugs that I might have felt were reasonable compromises... but either way we agreed we'd both deal with less crap and do more of the things we wanted to do if we had a more open marriage.

So we met people, and mostly things went well [perhaps not so cool when I crushed on straight people she might have been interested in, ha! My bad!]. I don't think our recent breakup was due to this... but I always knew it was a possible consequence, and hoped I'd have the resolve to simply wish her well on her new path. We're still friends and we seem to be proving the possibility of the good breakup every day. I hope our son understands, and knows we'd offer him some similar magnitude of freedom if he should ever need it.

Do you have kids, Devon? There's little room here to tell all their blessings, but I know my wife and I will always remain friends for his sake, and that's all I could have hoped for going in to the relationship in the first place.

Actually I think it was all I promised when we got back together, but in the future, I'm hoping I can let people know that I'm not generally the go-to guy to shake one's libido, sometime earlier than when we've already been together for five years.

If we'd only had this handy term in our teen years.

Getting insulted and a couple of drinks in my face, called gay/asshole/fils-de-pute, grabbed while she was trying to push her tongue into my mouth, pushed against a wall, hands at very specific places on my body,

Nidwin, whoa, sorry... um. Thank you for doing the dirty visibility work?

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Hi. I'm a... flex-sexual? I've been identifying as asexual for the last, eh, half-dozen years, about since the time my wife and I split for the first time. I can get along with the sexual side of relationships to a degree, but it'd just be false advertising to say I'm anything but ace. I don't think about sex the way my wife does, for example, but we seemed to agree on sex in a lot of ways: it's useful for intimacy, fun, and whatever else... but it's never going to occur to me to seek anyone but myself for those things in a sexual context. She didn't always want it hanging over my head as a chore and neither did I, and we didn't have the time, money, or patience to mess with any of the drugs that I might have felt were reasonable compromises... but either way we agreed we'd both deal with less crap and do more of the things we wanted to do if we had a more open marriage.

So we met people, and mostly things went well [perhaps not so cool when I crushed on straight people she might have been interested in, ha! My bad!]. I don't think our recent breakup was due to this... but I always knew it was a possible consequence, and hoped I'd have the resolve to simply wish her well on her new path. We're still friends and we seem to be proving the possibility of the good breakup every day. I hope our son understands, and knows we'd offer him some similar magnitude of freedom if he should ever need it.

Do you have kids, Devon? There's little room here to tell all their blessings, but I know my wife and I will always remain friends for his sake, and that's all I could have hoped for going in to the relationship in the first place.

Actually I think it was all I promised when we got back together, but in the future, I'm hoping I can let people know that I'm not generally the go-to guy to shake one's libido, sometime earlier than when we've already been together for five years.

If we'd only had this handy term in our teen years.

Getting insulted and a couple of drinks in my face, called gay/asshole/fils-de-pute, grabbed while she was trying to push her tongue into my mouth, pushed against a wall, hands at very specific places on my body,

Nidwin, whoa, sorry... um. Thank you for doing the dirty visibility work?

We do have kids together and they are a blessing to us both and are still together it's a struggle but this is all new to me so I'm getting my head around it all and taking it one day at a time that's all we can do

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IBendTheLine

I'm in a relationship with another asexual, actually, so compromises aren't necessary, really. For my relationship specifically, sensual attraction/physical closeness is still important, but we're both comfortable with each other. Other people's interpretation of this, though, is that we're "not true asexuals." Which is rude, considering they're our friend and I've explained that, but it's whatever. Other than THOSE comments (and for those who don't know we're both ace, the comments relating to interracial couples, or our existence in general because people), there's not much of a problem. I've never had to deal with any woman demanding anything of me (partially because of high school being high school).

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  • 4 weeks later...

I disagree. I think asexuality is a big stumbling block. I don't care how upfront you are or how hard you explain it, if the other person is wired a different way it will always eventually come up again and again. We forget that 99 percent of the population DOES NOT see romance and sex as separate but as intersecting. They do see things like kissing and holding hands as a sign of you being sexually attracted to them.

Yeah. I do make the assumption that pretty much everyone on the planet is Sexual, except me. Well, I'm graysexual, so maybe twice a year I get unbearably horny and then it's over. That's totally unsustainable in a relationship. Unless...I mean, how do you find other Asexual people? Here, obviously, but this is not a dating site. It seems golldarn near impossible to be Asexual and have any hope for a future with a life partner.

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Biggles XD

Well I haven't been in a relationship since I've identified as asexual as people seem to say "what? no sex? no thanks I'll find someone else" which isn't so bad as it helps to avoid a relationship which probably wouldn't have worked out. My previous relationship (before I identified as asexual) ended because we hadn't had sex.

People seem very confused about a guy not wanting sex as it goes against the traditional stereotype of "men just want sex".

I'm 19 so I understand that at my age all people seem to think about is sex so I'd like to think it would be different for other age groups but I really have no idea

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