Luisa Posted October 24, 2002 Share Posted October 24, 2002 This question is very simple, and very personal. As I stated on another forum, I am in the process of going through a divorce from an almost ten year marriage, mainly because of sexual incompatability. Inside, I truly do yearn to share my life with someone...a "special" someone...and I am not altogether without physical affection. For instance, at this very moment, I could use to have someone here to hold me, and just calm me, and tell me everything is going to work out OK. Like an intense, close friendship, only a little more than that, where we spend more time together. But where on earth am I going to find such a man who is not only available, but is willing to work with me and my very socially unacceptable needs? (I would love to be "fixed," so that I could just be sexual and not experience these problems, but I've tried everything I know, including testosterone shots to increase my sex drive. Nothing works.) Realistically speaking, at thirty years old, in a society where sex is highly prized, am I deluding myself in thinking that I will ever find someone with whom to share my life? Is it time to give up on this particular dream, and move on to others? Link to post Share on other sites
Hypatia Posted October 24, 2002 Share Posted October 24, 2002 Hi Luisa, The question of whether it is possible to have an asexual romantic relationship has come up a lot on these boards - it's a difficult issue but maybe it will get easier if asexuality gets more public awareness and people don't feel they have to hide it any more! I was interested in what you said about trying to 'fix' asexuality - when surfing the web looking for information about it I found about a million sites offering various 'cures', and I've read several times in the media that the holy grail for the pharmaceutical companies is a medicine that increases women's sex drive. There seems to be very little awareness of men who have low/no sex drives, probably partly because of our society's stereotypical image of men as being 'up for it' at all times. (Incidentally, it is a sorry reflection on our societies that increasing female sex drive is seen to be such a priority, both because it is an example of trying to cure something which isn't really broken, and because there are so many really unpleasant diseases that could do with the research. But I suppose that medications for Western lifestyle problems are much more profitable than those for potentially lethal illnesses which occur mostly in the Third World. I digress, sorry.) Occasionally I have wondered what these treatments for asexuality are, and whether they work at all, but I generally come to the conclusion that they are similar to the treatments that were used for homosexuality 50 years ago, i.e. useless and fundamentally misguided. What's your perspective? Asexually yours, Hypatia Link to post Share on other sites
Luisa Posted October 24, 2002 Author Share Posted October 24, 2002 I've never had any luck at finding a "medicinal" type "cure" for asexuality (read: my own natural personality.) My mother has ALWAYS said, and says to this day, that if I do NOT pretend to like sex, I will NOT have anyone "special" in my life. So, I pretended for almost ten years in a marriage, and all I did was waste ten years. I HAVE heard of drugs that have a side effect of bringing the libido down -- Paxil, Prozac, and many others. Not a stimulant, though, nothing to arouse one. I have also heard that the concept of an "aphrodesiac" is a myth; there is nothing to increase your sexual cravings for other people. So...the long and short of it is, I think I would have to agree with you. Like Homosexuality used to be (and to some extent still is,) Asexuality seems to be regarded as something that should be cured instead of accepted as being a part of the person. Sad. I am truly thankful to have found this place, and it is so nice to be able to read/write "asexually yours" and not have somebody go, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY ~THAT?!?!?~" :-) Take Good Care! Link to post Share on other sites
nemesis Posted October 24, 2002 Share Posted October 24, 2002 I have not come across any suggestions on how to "fix" me yet, though, I certainly didn't look either... I found this board early in my search and I didn't bother looking for other places. I also suspect that their treatments are misguided and useless. You have a very good point about them trying to fix something that isn't broken (the female sex drive) too. I don't think you need to give up the dream at all. Dreams are wonderful. I think though, that a person can embrace other dreams, keep the current one, and be happy in the end wether everything they dream of happens or not. I have a lot of dreams, and maybe I'll eventually feel like I'm up to expressing some of them through my art. Whether that happens or not, I'm certainly not giving any of them up. I think I can enjoy my life and the opportunities that I get without giving up on anything or grieving when some of those things don't happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Luisa Posted October 24, 2002 Author Share Posted October 24, 2002 Dear Nem: I find your response very thought-provoking, deep, and, in the end, Zen-like. What a refreshing perspective! Thank you for sharing it! Link to post Share on other sites
Eta Carinae Posted October 25, 2002 Share Posted October 25, 2002 A few options you might consider, if you haven't already: 1. Another woman. I don't know for a fact if the stereotypes regarding mens' and womens' sex drives are true, but in my own experience there seems to be some veracity to the rumor. Not that there aren't highly sexual women, but if you're looking for a partner who won't want to have sex with you, you might have better odds with females. And even if you don't, you've at least doubled your pool of potential partners. 2. Polyamory. Let your partner fulfill his sexual needs elsewhere. 3. A combination of the above. None of these may be right for you, of course. Some people just can't handle polyamory, and women might not interest you. I'm just mentioning them because you didn't -- and as they're both fairly uncommon, it can be easy to forget about them. And don't completely give up on your dream. If it's painful to you, you might consider thinking about it less, but don't utterly throw it away. You're thirty -- you've probably got at least forty years left on this planet. That's more than enough time for the unexpected to happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Luisa Posted October 25, 2002 Author Share Posted October 25, 2002 I.B.: Those ~are~ some good suggestions. I had not thought about women as being candidates for the "special someone" at all...just because. I don't really know ~why,~ it just didn't occur to me. In thinking it over, stereotypical women tend to have more of the qualities that I like...nurturing, maternal, like to talk...than stereotypical men. (People like to say how men don't "open up," and they don't "baby" people. This is, obviously, not true of everyone, but probably has it root in fact somewhere.) In truth, though, I'm not very "attracted" to women, as far as wanting to hold hands or comfort/be comforted during the bad times. I think that women make GREAT friends, though! I try to keep an open mind - it gives one more options! :) As for polyamorous, this is something that I wouldn't have a problem with, and I even suggested it to my husband of the infamous failed marriage. Since ~I~ don't care for sex, but my partner might, it's perfectly fine with me if they fulfill the sexual urge elsewhere. I don't have a "jealousy" problem or anything like that. I never have. I wonder if asexuals are more likely to understand that, just because someone has sex with someone, it doesn't equal love, and therefore, doesn't need to turn into a big emotional fight if/when it happens? Link to post Share on other sites
Artemis Posted October 26, 2002 Share Posted October 26, 2002 Welcome to the forum, Luisa I agree with nemesis and inkburrow, don't give up! There are asexual men about (on this site at least, so they must be around in the "real" world as well). Hopefully as asexuals become more visible, more people will "come out" and it will be easier to find others. Having said that I know how difficult it is being asexual in a world that isn't. In the past I've wondered about getting "fixed" but it's like trying to make a straight person gay or vice versa, which most people would realise isn't possible. If you've tried testosterone with no effect I can't think of anything else that might help. The solution I found was to accept myself as being asexual, which meant I felt a lot better about myself than I did when I was always telling myself there was something wrong with me. Unfortunately this still leaves all the other problems of loneliness etc, but I'm lucky to have some good friends. I'd also like to say that if it was women who controlled the pharmaceutical industry it would be developing drugs to reduce men's sex drive (and probably aggression as well)!!! It says a lot about our society that developing drugs to increase women's sex drive is a high priority, and in my opinion what that says is pretty depressing. Link to post Share on other sites
Luisa Posted October 26, 2002 Author Share Posted October 26, 2002 Hi, Artemis! Thank you for the warm welcome. I agree with you in that trying to "fix" an asexual person is just like trying to change anyone else's sexual identity. Since we (mostly) recognize homosexuality as being a born trait, and something that not only isn't "changable," but also something that ~shouldn't~ be changed, in light of the fact that it is a part of a whole person...it would follow that asexuality would be the same. I never really feel like it's "coming out," and even the words "sexual identity" seem pretty strong ones to me, because, the fact of the matter is that I just simply don't think about sex that much. So many phrases: "Sex Life." Think about that one for a minute. Compare the importance of one word with the other. It is hard to get along in a world where most people are looking for a "Sex...Life." But, as has been said here, if there are asexual men about at this site (and possibly others,) then they are all around me as I move through life, too. I simply don't know it, since neither I nor them are wearing a badge that says "I'm asexual and approachable." :) Thank you for the nice post. Link to post Share on other sites
nemesis Posted October 27, 2002 Share Posted October 27, 2002 Lol, it's a shame about that lack of badge thing. Wouldn't it be nice to just know? And it's not like it's something you can just ask of people you meet either "Uh, hello, are you by any chance asexual". Link to post Share on other sites
Luisa Posted October 27, 2002 Author Share Posted October 27, 2002 Well, the badges would certainly make things a lot ~easier~ and ~clearer~ for everyone! But you know how it is...no one likes a good idea! :) I appreciate a beautiful body, usually male, very much. I saw a beautiful ballet which was danced by, among others, a gorgeous black man in a costume that left one buttocks cheek totally exposed. And I found myself thinking, "Now that is a REALLY nice looking butt!" BUT, (hee hee,) I felt no desire to DO anything to the butt except for appreciate its beauty, and the grace of the dancer. Sexuality so rarely enters into my life that it is truly almost "unthought of." As many people here know, I came to this BB at a particularly hard time in my life, because of a sick friend and a divorce in the very recent past. I realized just now that, most or all of the time, I don't know the gender of the person with whom I'm writing, nor do I know their "sexual identity." Know what? I never even really think/thought about it. I didn't come here to find "a female" or "a male" or any other specific label (such as age, race, etc.)...I just came to find friends who, maybe, felt a little bit the same way I did about a subject that seems to be important to society. I thought that if people here identified with me, and I with them, it would be a lovely and supportive "online community" to join, and a positive step in my life. I am still trying to get my mind around this concept of "sexual identity," and ~having~ one. (My own feeling of self-identity is very unformed, despite the fact that I have played many "roles" in life. So, naturally, some specific facet like "sexual identity" is something that has REALLY yet to be explored.) I know I'm straight - I think. But I don't know if that matters if I'm also asexual. Y'know, if you are homosexual, and you want people to know it, there are ways to make it obvious...men can "act feminine," and women can "act masculine/butch." But there is no identifying way to "act" so that people can visibly tell (or at least suspect) that one is an asexual. I suppose this is good if you want to be "private" about it, but not so good when it comes to meeting other people of like mind, and figuring out who they are. Nem., I had to laugh at your question. If you ask a man, and he IS NOT asexual, then you could say, "Well, are you at least IMPOTENT??? How 'bout celibate?!?" Hee hee hee! :) I think these thoughts are maybe overlapping with some others I have had, that perhaps deserve their own seperate thread...so I'll start one now. The shy violet, that's me. ;) Link to post Share on other sites
sonya Posted December 28, 2002 Share Posted December 28, 2002 Luisa, I feel for your sadness even though I "live" on the other side. I love my husband, but a marriage without sex and intimacy is a painful thing for both people. I wish you happiness whereever life takes you and hope that you have some sympathy on your husband. I know I have been very angry at mine and it is hard to hold that in Link to post Share on other sites
Orpheus Posted December 28, 2002 Share Posted December 28, 2002 All though I feel your pain, I have just got say, MAN I LOVE BEING ASEXUAL!!!! Sorry, but all this talk about "fixing" No way man. I like me. Link to post Share on other sites
Artemis Posted December 29, 2002 Share Posted December 29, 2002 I like being asexual as well. After all, although I (and others) can complain about the problems of being A while living in a sexual society, being sexual would just bring a different set of troubles. Link to post Share on other sites
alex Posted June 12, 2003 Share Posted June 12, 2003 Hi, it is just to say that i am a man who are looking for a non sexual relationship, just that, alex subiluliuma@hotmail.com Link to post Share on other sites
VivreEstEsperer Posted June 12, 2003 Share Posted June 12, 2003 Hi Luisa...nice to see you again. I'm sorry to hear about your anxiety over this subject - I imagine it must be quite difficult! I don't have any great advice to offer you, except to give you my sympathy and to tell you to hold onto your dream. As Inkburrow said, there's 40 more years where anything could happen. It's really hard to hold onto something when you don't see any possible evidence of it happening in the future (I should know, am struggling with holding onto hope for other things), but I guess that as long as we're living on this planet, then there's hope. And, as the post before me demonstrates, there are at least some asexual men out there. Good luck Kate Link to post Share on other sites
Luisa Posted June 18, 2003 Author Share Posted June 18, 2003 Thanks, Kate. There are six billion people in the world, so odds are, there's at least ~one~ who might take some pleasure out of a relationship with me. And........ A big asexual hug and kiss for all the friends I have met here both male and female. This is kind of a combination playground/support group for me! You're all wonderful! :D Love, "Luisa." Link to post Share on other sites
Pete Posted June 21, 2003 Share Posted June 21, 2003 Luisa, I'm someone who thinks about polyamory possibilities because, like you, I'm not possessive nor jealous. If you're interested in exploring that issue, I'd recommend http://www.polymatchmaker.com/ as a place with good honest supportive people. Even if you don't want to post there, its worth it to read other's threads to see what trials and tribulations they're going through. It also just might change your mind and let you see the positive value of where you are now. WARNING: the most sought after profile there is the younger single bi-female. So you're likely to be popular if you do post. And changing the subject somewhat, identification is a subject that appears here regularly, and I've posted a few thoughts about it before. People acknowledge that Gays can identifiy themselves based on stereotypes or knowing the latest "gay" styles. All you have to do is decide on a "look" for asexuals. I've asked this before since I'm completely ignorant if there is such a thing. Link to post Share on other sites
orderinchaos Posted June 22, 2003 Share Posted June 22, 2003 So far, things aren't looking hopeful for me either. I'm looking for a gay-oriented asexual guy around my age who can handle my weirdness, doesn't smoke, and is not presently and in the future located in Canada. I thought I'd add the last point as I've found no less than *three* guys who meet my requirements who happen to live at the other side of the world and neither of us is in a position to move. Link to post Share on other sites
Luisa Posted June 26, 2003 Author Share Posted June 26, 2003 Pete: Thanks for the advice and the link. I will check this out. However, I'm not bi-, so I may not be the treasure that everyone's looking for! *_* But, yes, I have friends who are polyamorous, and I could see a relationship like that working for me, though it's unconventional. I can comprehend that I give something to a person that enriches their life, and someone else gives them another element entirely that enriches their life, and there is no reason to be jealous, because there is enough "love" for all. I only know this through observation of my friends' relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Orpheus Posted June 30, 2003 Share Posted June 30, 2003 I think that some people are just ment to be alone, weather we want that or not :( Link to post Share on other sites
Gorax Posted June 30, 2003 Share Posted June 30, 2003 I want to be alone, so that's okay hehe. I do enjoy the company of friends though, and even they can be hard to find :( Link to post Share on other sites
Orpheus Posted June 30, 2003 Share Posted June 30, 2003 But i need somone to ride on the Bitch Seat of my Bike. Link to post Share on other sites
aury Posted July 1, 2003 Share Posted July 1, 2003 But i need somone to ride on the Bitch Seat of my Bike. LOL!!!!!!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol: *hits desk w/ open hand* sorry... but that remark almost made me fall off of MY seat. wait, that WAS meant to be laughed at, right? :shock: Link to post Share on other sites
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