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Sotai

How to feel less pain during intercourse?

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Sotai

So lately this has been becoming more of an issue for me when I have sex with my boyfriend, and I just can't seem to find a reason why it feels worse.

I used to have this problem before when I first started having sex, and it went away for some time once we knew what we were doing, but now it's getting painful again to the point that I have to stop him mid-way or can't even feel comfortable upon penetration.

It mostly feels like a burning sensation (like it feels too dry), which we have tried using water based lube for and extending foreplay as long as we can. But even after doing those, the burning feeling comes back or it feels like neither of those helped at all. Sometimes I also feel this tightness despite being really aroused and it can feel very uncomfortable when he's inside of me.

I've been on birth control for 2 years, I think, so I'm not sure if I'm experiencing vaginal dryness from the medicine. I kind of doubt it since I've been taking it for so long and only for the past month or so I've been experiencing more pain than usual.

I also wonder if it's because of stress? I am graduating next month so it's been real hectic keeping up with material and also preparing senior things.

It probably doesn't help that I feel more stressed out having this problem. I feel like part of the reason I don't want sex is because it just doesn't feel great, and my boyfriend feels inadequate hearing that from me. I'm currently questioning if I'm gray-ace or a low libido sexual, so it adds to the distress when he doesn't feel desired by me and the days I do desire him are sparse.

I know asexuals feel this sense of being broken, but knowing they just never experience sexual desire makes them realize that's just the way they are. But even though I'm not likely ace, I feel really broken. I feel indifferent to sex and I don't desire it much, but I want my boyfriend to be happy and I'm willing to compromise and I want to be able to enjoy myself. I want to be able to enjoy sex, I want to WANT sex. The times where it was perfectly painless, I really enjoyed it and I desired him more.

It sucks so much feeling like my body is at fault. I don't want to feel pain, of course, but it just does for whatever reason.

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Amedot

You might want to talk to your doctor about this... Although i do think that stress can cause issues like this.

Can you use different types of lubes than water-based, providing you aren't using condoms?

You could also try using a vibrator prior to intercourse to see if that helps more than manual foreplay

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Rising Sun

Does your boyfriend really want that kind of sex ? Isn't there anything that he enjoys just as much ?

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Ianjthorn

It's because your vagina isn't stretched/lubricated enough, and this can be because you aren't aroused/aroused enough.

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Sotai

You might want to talk to your doctor about this... Although i do think that stress can cause issues like this.

Can you use different types of lubes than water-based, providing you aren't using condoms?

You could also try using a vibrator prior to intercourse to see if that helps more than manual foreplay

We haven't really tried other types of lube yet, and I have no vibrators, but I'll consider those options.

Does your boyfriend really want that kind of sex ? Isn't there anything that he enjoys just as much ?

Yeah, PIV is his preferred form of sex. He likes oral sex too, but it's not the same as PIV.

It's because your vagina isn't stretched/lubricated enough, and this can be because you aren't aroused/aroused enough.

Then what would be ways I can improve arousal? I've tried lube and foreplay a lot, but even that, sometimes it's still irritating.

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Autumn Season

Is it possible that you have an infection which leads to irritation? I would talk to my gynecologist about this, just in case.

Furthermore you could be having PIV too often and you need breaks. You will know best if that is true.

And do you use condoms? You could have an allergic reaction to the material or even the lube. Or your partner might wash his private parts with a soap which is aggressive to your lady parts.

By the way, if your partner has any kind of problem with his private parts (a virus for example) and even if he doesn't notice, this would still cause you to have symptoms. In other words: You are not the only one with the possibility to go to the doc for your both's sake. :)

I hope others will have some more advice.

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Star Bit

There are many types of sex (link and link), maybe he'd be ok with doing those. Though yes, many people prefer P&V and it can be a deal breaker if they can't have that type of sex.

Asexual means you don't desire any form of sex. Some asexuals are ok with sexually compromising and even enjoy it, again, they just never desire it.

Gray-sexual is an umbrella term for when you desire sex that differs from the norm (e.g. after an emotional bond, rarely feeling sexually attracted to people, randomly desiring sex, etc.)

Sexual with a low libido means you desire sex less frequently than the norm. But do you yearn to have sex at all?

If you desire sex but are indifferent to satisfying your desires then that is a type of Gray-sexual too.

I want to WANT sex

But you never have? If so, then yah, that's the definition of asexual. Wanting to make your partner happy is not the same as desiring sex. But if the pain is just whats currently discouraging you and you do actually desire sex, than yah, that's sexual.

It's because your vagina isn't stretched/lubricated enough, and this can be because you aren't aroused/aroused enough.

I agree; here's a video on it.

Also, you could be clenching your V when you have sex, which may be due to stress and/or emotional pressure of sexual performance/relationship problems. Or your parts could just be too small for his/his are too big for yours. Yes, genitals differ in size and they don't always fit eachother.

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Sotai

Is it possible that you have an infection which leads to irritation? I would talk to my gynecologist about this, just in case.

Furthermore you could be having PIV too often and you need breaks. You will know best if that is true.

And do you use condoms? You could have an allergic reaction to the material or even the lube. Or your partner might wash his private parts with a soap which is aggressive to your lady parts.

By the way, if your partner has any kind of problem with his private parts (a virus for example) and even if he doesn't notice, this would still cause you to have symptoms. In other words: You are not the only one with the possibility to go to the doc for your both's sake. :)

I hope others will have some more advice.

I'm not experiencing any signs of infection, but I'm well aware that infections can be asymptomatic. The thing is though, I generally have sex once a week-ish, which I don't think is too often? Like I said, I have had irritating sex before, but also painless PIV too. Various factors seem to play into what makes it painless/painful.

We don't much nowadays, but we've used condoms + lube before, and I never had a reaction to either. We keep those materials pretty consistent. His soap is also non-irritating.

He did have a problem recently (exclusive to him being cis-male), but seeing as he recovered since then, I thought he's fine now. I doubt whatever affected him would affect me (cis-female.) If this keeps on being a problem, then I'll likely tell my doctor.

There are many types of sex (link and link), maybe he'd be ok with doing those. Though yes, many people prefer P&V and it can be a deal breaker if they can't have that type of sex.

Asexual means you don't desire any form of sex. Some asexuals are ok with sexually compromising and even enjoy it, again, they just never desire it.

Gray-sexual is an umbrella term for when you desire sex that differs from the norm (e.g. after an emotional bond, rarely feeling sexually attracted to people, randomly desiring sex, etc.)

Sexual with a low libido means you desire sex less frequently than the norm. But do you yearn to have sex at all?

If you desire sex but are indifferent to satisfying your desires then that is a type of Gray-sexual too.

I want to WANT sex

But you never have? If so, then yah, that's the definition of asexual. Wanting to make your partner happy is not the same as desiring sex. But if the pain is just whats currently discouraging you and you do actually desire sex, than yah, that's sexual.

It's because your vagina isn't stretched/lubricated enough, and this can be because you aren't aroused/aroused enough.

I agree; here's a video on it.

Also, you could be clenching your V when you have sex, which may be due to stress and/or emotional pressure of sexual performance/relationship problems. Or your parts could just be too small for his/his are too big for yours. Yes, genitals differ in size and they don't always fit eachother.

I'm not asexual since I have desired sex at times, but since he is my first relationship (sexually and romantically), it's hard to tell if I'm gray-sexual (or demi) or low libido sexual. I never experienced sexual desire or yearned for sex before being in a relationship with him. My desire is not very consistent. SOMETIMES it's associated with having my period, but not most times. Some months I don't crave it despite my period. I'd say I desire it once in a while, but I'm also indifferent to satisfying my desires. I wouldn't need sex in a committed long-term relationship.

The pain seems to be a factor in deterring me from wanting it, but it's not always the reason why I don't want it. I don't know. I guess I just want to desire sex more often than I currently do, and if it wasn't painful, I'd have more of a reason to like it and desire him more. I was really upset when it was painful and show that I wanted him despite being sufficiently aroused/lubricated (naturally and artificially.)

Could be a clenching problem too. We used to have painless PIV before, so I kind of believe it's not a size problem unless there were some factors that affected the size/stretch of my vagina.

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Star Bit

Some people include low sex-drive under Gray-sexual as well, and it can still be used if someone is more than one type of Gray-sexual (e.g. sex indifferent, demisexual, etc.)

So past labels, yah, just see a gynocologist about it.

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FictoVore.

Vestibulodynia: (burning pain with penetration)

Vestibulodynia refers to pain in the entrance of the vagina, known as the vestibule. This is the area where the outside portion of a woman’s genitals (the vulva) meets the internal portion (the vagina). The vestibule contains glands that provide vaginal lubrication during sexual arousal.

For a woman with generalized vestibulodynia, the pain is constant.

A woman with provoked vestibulodynia (PVD) has pain when the area is touched. This may occur when she inserts a tampon, has a pelvic exam with her gynecologist, or engages in sexual activity.

Pain intensity and type can vary from woman to woman. The area may be sore or tender when touched. There might be a sharp or burning pain. Some women are able to have intercourse. For others, the pain is too severe.

PVD can cause a great deal of distress. Women may feel anxious and depressed and lose interest in sex. Their relationships may suffer as a result.

Many issues may cause PVD, including hormonal changes, infections, and tight pelvic floor muscles. Some women have more nerve endings in their vestibule, making the area hypersensitive to touch. Stress responses and genetics may also play a role.

What you are experiencing sounds a lot like provoked vestibulodynia. Most doctors won't diagnose it because it's relatively unknown (even among gynecologists) but what that is is "burning pain upon penetration and during intercourse". What you are describing can also be caused by thrush, lube allergy, even very rarely a semen allergy, so it's worth getting checked for other things. But it does sound exactly like vestibulodynia to me (I have it). If the doctor examines you and cannot find anything else (physical factors) that may be causing your pain, then yeah, vestibulodynia. Some women who experience this only get it every once in a while, for a few months or even less at a time, usually in reaction to stress, worry, grief or hormone changes. Some women experience it persistently throughout their entire life (generalized vestibulodynia)
I am quite annoyed at your partner for still having PiV with you despite the pain. That's not cool at all. He should be compromising having other sorts of sex until you can find something to fix this. It's like if you had a scald burn and the only way he could get off was by rubbing the burn (that's how penetration feels for me) ..it's just not okay imo.
Anyway. One thing I used to do was use lignocaine 2% gel which a pharmacist gave me. I am not sure if you need a prescription for it but I went into the pharmacy crying and begging for help (I could hardly walk, and was not able to go to a doctor) and he took me out the back and gave me the gel. It is used for catheter insertion in hospitals. When rubbed over your vaginal opening, it numbs your entire vaginal area so you don't experience pain (but you also don't experience pleasure) and the guy needs to wear a condom so his dick doesn't go numb lol.
I feel really bad for you because there are lots of ways to enjoy sex other than PiV and if you want to enjoy it you should be allowed to without pain (which would mean other forms of sex) ..yet your partner seems to be putting his pleasure preferences first (and knowingly causing you pain in the process) which is just so uncool. Seriously not impressed by this. But yeah you COULD have other pleasurable forms of sex, then when he is ready to finish, use the gel in your vag and he does his thing. He would have to be willing to sexually please you in other ways first though, before the penetration. That's non-negotiable in my mind.
Maybe you'd find once you are able to enjoy sex without pain, you actually desire it more. Many women with vestibulodynia feel broken, and wish they could enjoy sex more, but lose interest due to the pain. Then once they find a way to control the pain and enjoy sex in other ways, they can desire it again just as much as any other woman.
But yeah, get it checked out in case it's thrush or some other infection, or something odd like a semen or even latex allergy from condoms. If your pain has no apparent physical cause, suggest vestibulodynia to your doc (doc will probably google it, that's what mine did lol, most of them have very little knowledge of vaginal pain disorders in women) ..if it IS vestibulodynia there is actually very little that can be done to ''treat'' it, though some women have been able to cure it and some have just found ways to enjoy sex without PiV (you can find all their suggestions online in vulval pain forums etc) I'm pretty certain just from what you've described that vestibulodynia is what you're experiencing. Yes vaginal dryness causes burning, BUT with water-based lube all dryness issues are eradicated in all the women I've ever known, unless they are allergic to the lube or the latex on the condom their partner is using OR if they have a bad case of thrush or other infection.
Many, many women with this condition (and vulvodynia, another vulval pain disorder) are often dismissed by doctors and gynecologists. They are told to use more lube, have more foreplay, relax more, practice tantric sex, use vibrators to stretch themselves, all sorts of things, because doctors just aren't that aware of vaginal pain conditions other than vaginismus (which actually has ''physical'' symptoms - the vaginal muscles clamp shut so the man has to force his penis in, which is another thing you could look into. Vaginismus can sometimes be caused BY vestibulodynia, because the body gets a fear reaction to sex as a result of the pain, so the vagina clamps shut, causing more pain. Vaginismus can also exist as a result of past trauma. Doctors have ways to test for it but will often misdiagnose vestibulodynia *as* vaginismus, which doesn't help the woman)
You should put aside labels for now until you can find a cause of your pain, BUT I think if you could find a way to get rid of this pain and enjoy sex, you may find your desire goes up greatly (remembering any, er, ''normal'' sexual woman can desire sex only like, once a month, to once a day for some women.. there is no *average* amount that sexual people desire sex, in my experience.)
Hope that helps! :cake:

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Autumn Season

Or your partner might wash his private parts with a soap which is aggressive to your lady parts.

By the way, if your partner has any kind of problem with his private parts (a virus for example) and even if he doesn't notice, this would still cause you to have symptoms. In other words: You are not the only one with the possibility to go to the doc for your both's sake. :)

His soap is also non-irritating.

He did have a problem recently (exclusive to him being cis-male), but seeing as he recovered since then, I thought he's fine now. I doubt whatever affected him would affect me (cis-female.) If this keeps on being a problem, then I'll likely tell my doctor.

Just in case I want to point out that even something that doesn't affect him, can affect you, exactly because you are female-bodied and he is male-bodied.

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Sotai

Wow, never knew there was a condition that's specifically what I've been experiencing. Sounds right on the money.

I don't think I've suggested that my partner is ignorant and/or willfully puts me through the pain. Since I just realized this is becoming a problem again (happened 1-2 times so far despite taking many measures, other times were failing to engage in enough foreplay), it hasn't been that consistent to suggest I'll experience pain EVERY time I have PIV - because I don't experience pain every time. Other times we've tried were more comfortable and can literally happen the next time we have sex. Sometimes we try having sex one night, stop due to the pain, and try again the following morning - typically the next morning felt way better for whatever reason. If you're thinking he's in the wrong for still having PIV, then I should be wrong for believing the next time PIV will be better. Trust me, he is decent enough to actually stop when I want him to stop and move to other forms of sex. I just don't know ahead of time if it will hurt and neither does he (and it totally kills the mood having to stop mid-way because we got our hopes up.)

Lignocaine (lidocaine in my country) is quite the numbing anesthetic lol. I believe the cream is available over the counter, so I might look into that.

I don't really have a chance to see my doctor (attend school in a different state, also fear of bills being sent home to parents and having to explain why) but I'll see if there's a gyno at a Planned Parenthood I can see.

Also, Autumn, umm, I am not male and female bodied lol. Only female bodied. Unless it was a typo and you meant something else.

I meant to say whatever affected him is extremely not likely to affect me because, well, I don't have the same parts as him. I appreciate the concern regarding my physical health though.

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Autumn Season

Also, Autumn, umm, I am not male and female bodied lol. Only female bodied. Unless it was a typo and you meant something else.

Sorry, I corrected that.

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Star Bit

So the birth control could've caused it??

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Graceful

I have vaginismus and vulvar vestibulitis. Anything down there is painful. (Mine is severe so more like excruciating but just uncomfortable for some.) My obgyn had me on Valium suppositories and using a dilator. It REALLY helped. Though I'm not sexually active so I've stopped for the time being.

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FictoVore.

Wow, never knew there was a condition that's specifically what I've been experiencing. Sounds right on the money.

I don't think I've suggested that my partner is ignorant and/or willfully puts me through the pain. Since I just realized this is becoming a problem again (happened 1-2 times so far despite taking many measures, other times were failing to engage in enough foreplay), it hasn't been that consistent to suggest I'll experience pain EVERY time I have PIV - because I don't experience pain every time. Other times we've tried were more comfortable and can literally happen the next time we have sex. Sometimes we try having sex one night, stop due to the pain, and try again the following morning - typically the next morning felt way better for whatever reason. If you're thinking he's in the wrong for still having PIV, then I should be wrong for believing the next time PIV will be better. Trust me, he is decent enough to actually stop when I want him to stop and move to other forms of sex. I just don't know ahead of time if it will hurt and neither does he (and it totally kills the mood having to stop mid-way because we got our hopes up.)

Lignocaine (lidocaine in my country) is quite the numbing anesthetic lol. I believe the cream is available over the counter, so I might look into that.

I don't really have a chance to see my doctor (attend school in a different state, also fear of bills being sent home to parents and having to explain why) but I'll see if there's a gyno at a Planned Parenthood I can see.

Also, Autumn, umm, I am not male and female bodied lol. Only female bodied. Unless it was a typo and you meant something else.

I meant to say whatever affected him is extremely not likely to affect me because, well, I don't have the same parts as him. I appreciate the concern regarding my physical health though.

Sorry I jsumped to conclusions about that, it was just that some of the things you said made it sound like you had discussed it with him already and he had specifically told you he prefers PiV and didn't really want to do anything else :o (ie your reply to Rising Sun) ..Maybe he would enjoy other forms of sex and not mind that you're not having PiV until you can fix this? Sometimes even just a break from PiV for a few weeks might be enough to help depending on what is causing the condition.

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FictoVore.

I have vaginismus and vulvar vestibulitis. Anything down there is painful. (Mine is severe so more like excruciating but just uncomfortable for some.) My obgyn had me on Valium suppositories and using a dilator. It REALLY helped. Though I'm not sexually active so I've stopped for the time being.

I never understood how people with vaginal pain can use dilators :o I can't even get my little finger up there (well I can if I force it but it hurts like hell and I'm left in pain for the rest of the day) .. I can see how dilators would help vaginismus (by stretching the muscles and training them to relax) but I don't understand how thy help vulvar vestibulitis/vestibulodynia as that's more like, too many nerve endings or the nerve endings are too close to the skin (like with a burn) or something. That aside I have read that dilators have defininitely helped some women with vestibulodynia and that's great, but yeah, no way I'd be able to get one up there haha and no need to anyway as I don't want sex (in any form, not just PiV)

Also, did you suddenly grow a vagina or have you confusingly swapped names and profile pics with Splatacus D: Dude I told you working at the nuke plant would mess with you genetically! ..Or is this just a coincidence? haha

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Graceful

I have vaginismus and vulvar vestibulitis. Anything down there is painful. (Mine is severe so more like excruciating but just uncomfortable for some.) My obgyn had me on Valium suppositories and using a dilator. It REALLY helped. Though I'm not sexually active so I've stopped for the time being.

I never understood how people with vaginal pain can use dilators :o I can't even get my little finger up there (well I can if I force it but it hurts like hell and I'm left in pain for the rest of the day) .. I can see how dilators would help vaginismus (by stretching the muscles and training them to relax) but I don't understand how thy help vulvar vestibulitis/vestibulodynia as that's more like, too many nerve endings or the nerve endings are too close to the skin (like with a burn) or something.

That's what the Valium suppositories were for.

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Serran

I have vaginismus and vulvar vestibulitis. Anything down there is painful. (Mine is severe so more like excruciating but just uncomfortable for some.) My obgyn had me on Valium suppositories and using a dilator. It REALLY helped. Though I'm not sexually active so I've stopped for the time being.

I never understood how people with vaginal pain can use dilators :o I can't even get my little finger up there (well I can if I force it but it hurts like hell and I'm left in pain for the rest of the day) .. I can see how dilators would help vaginismus (by stretching the muscles and training them to relax) but I don't understand how thy help vulvar vestibulitis/vestibulodynia as that's more like, too many nerve endings or the nerve endings are too close to the skin (like with a burn) or something. That aside I have read that dilators have defininitely helped some women with vestibulodynia and that's great, but yeah, no way I'd be able to get one up there haha and no need to anyway as I don't want sex (in any form, not just PiV)

Also, did you suddenly grow a vagina or have you confusingly swapped names and profile pics with Splatacus D: Dude I told you working at the nuke plant would mess with you genetically! ..Or is this just a coincidence? haha

No Splat didn't have a magical gender/sex time-travel event. :lol:

OP - I occasionally had pain when having sex. What helped for me was relaxing and trying various angles... so yeah stress can totally cause pain issues. If you are too tense, your muscles don't relax down there very well. But, you want to see a gyno as well, cause sometimes it can be something like an infection or something. One time, I had an infection and it was only noticeable when it was being irritated (with pressure put on the infected spot) and penetration might be doing that to you. Better safe than sorry. And if it becomes chronic, you'll certainly want to look into certain conditions.

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GLRDT
On 4/11/2016 at 0:20 PM, Sotai said:

So lately this has been becoming more of an issue for me when I have sex with my boyfriend, and I just can't seem to find a reason why it feels worse.

I used to have this problem before when I first started having sex, and it went away for some time once we knew what we were doing, but now it's getting painful again to the point that I have to stop him mid-way or can't even feel comfortable upon penetration.

It mostly feels like a burning sensation (like it feels too dry), which we have tried using water based lube for and extending foreplay as long as we can. But even after doing those, the burning feeling comes back or it feels like neither of those helped at all. Sometimes I also feel this tightness despite being really aroused and it can feel very uncomfortable when he's inside of me.

I've been on birth control for 2 years, I think, so I'm not sure if I'm experiencing vaginal dryness from the medicine. I kind of doubt it since I've been taking it for so long and only for the past month or so I've been experiencing more pain than usual.

I also wonder if it's because of stress? I am graduating next month so it's been real hectic keeping up with material and also preparing senior things.

It probably doesn't help that I feel more stressed out having this problem. I feel like part of the reason I don't want sex is because it just doesn't feel great, and my boyfriend feels inadequate hearing that from me. I'm currently questioning if I'm gray-ace or a low libido sexual, so it adds to the distress when he doesn't feel desired by me and the days I do desire him are sparse.

I know asexuals feel this sense of being broken, but knowing they just never experience sexual desire makes them realize that's just the way they are. But even though I'm not likely ace, I feel really broken. I feel indifferent to sex and I don't desire it much, but I want my boyfriend to be happy and I'm willing to compromise and I want to be able to enjoy myself. I want to be able to enjoy sex, I want to WANT sex. The times where it was perfectly painless, I really enjoyed it and I desired him more.

It sucks so much feeling like my body is at fault. I don't want to feel pain, of course, but it just does for whatever reason.

Completely relate to your story. I had vaginismus which is better now but sometimes sex still hurts or irritates me after a certain point. I'm not sure why. I think it may have to do with my hormones or an allergy to certain condoms and latex but sometimes the condom is ok even though it's the same brand and type. If you are gray asexual or whatnot you may be getting dry if sex is lasting for a while as it may be harder for you to stay in that moment. I know I can have that problem and can get distracted easily. I really have to concentrate  b to stay in the moment. I feel the exact way as you about sex. No desire low libido but can enjoy it when it's happening and like doing it for my boyfriend. We sound very similar in this way. Best of luck to you and your boyfriend. Let me know if you figure out what's up. Also you aren't broken, you just don't fully understand why your body works the way it does yet. Unless I mean you actually have some sort of medical condition and even then you're not broken, you just need to get looked at. But if it's not medical related, I think it's just something unfortunately you have to figure out for yourself. Im still working  on understanding  b this for me  too. Stress may definitely be linked to it. Good luck!

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Nowhere Girl
On 12.04.2016 at 12:45 AM, Star Bit said:

But you never have? If so, then yah, that's the definition of asexual.

And for me not wanting to want sex is the most defining aspect of my asexuality.

Not everyone wants to want. There's nothing bad about wanting to want and I'm sure it's emotionally really bad to want to feel pleasure but have no ability for it - but still, we need normalization of lack of sexual interest. Not all people who don't desire sex have to be sex-indifferent. It's OK to be afraid of sex, to be disgusted with sex, to be terrified of sex as long as one accepts it.

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