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Fluffy Gray

Sex as an (A)sexual -It's just my body-

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Fluffy Gray

I have for a wile questions how valid my asexuality is because my mind and my body are on two different tracks.

I never feel sexualy attracted to people, never thinking of them in that way, but I'm finding I pick up on hormones that increase my sexual desire. Whether it is right befor my period or if their hormones match up with mine and they are feeling that sexual attraction.

These hormones slowly affect my mental state, I'm still not sexually attracted to the person more like i'm attracted to the attraction they feel. (Often saying i feed off their sexual drive) But I may very easally break out of it and just start laughing resulting in an almost instant drop in mental attraction and my partner has to work to build me back up from the beginning to make my mental state match my physical.

Does anyone else experience something like this?

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Autumn Season

Does anyone else experience something like this?

Yes, when it comes to the period.

I never feel sexualy attracted to people

More importantly: Do you want to have sex? (You don't have to answer unless you want to.)

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Fluffy Gray

Does anyone else experience something like this?

Yes, when it comes to the period.

I never feel sexualy attracted to people

More importantly: Do you want to have sex? (You don't have to answer unless you want to.)

yes, but only sometimes. I only want to when I reach a certain level.

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FictoVore.

Does anyone else experience something like this?

Yes, when it comes to the period.

I never feel sexualy attracted to people

More importantly: Do you want to have sex? (You don't have to answer unless you want to.)

yes, but only sometimes. I only want to when I reach a certain level.
Well that kind of answers it then.

Sexual people don't *all* experience a feeling of "sexual attraction" (becoming aroused by the other person specifically is the most common definition of it) and they don't all want sex all the time, many only want it when their sexual desire reaches a certain level. Sexual people don't *all* experience "sexual atttaction", regardless of how one deifnes it really, and for many of them, sexual attraction has nothing to do with what actually makes them desire partnered sex (and this "feeling" of "sexual attraction" also isn't what defines their sexuality, regardless of what the dictionary says) ..There are all sorts of different reasons that different sexual people desire sex, and what you described is just one of many of them (regardless of whether or not "sexual attraction" is present) and regardless of whether it's "only when it reaches a certain point" (which is very common for many sexuals)

I am not sure how you are defining sexual attraction, but, becoming aroused and wanting sex with that person specifically as a result of the feeling of sexual desire you are experiencing for them (even if it's just their attraction to you specifically that caused you to feel that) that's very normal for sexual people and is pretty much "sexual attraction" in a nutshell, combined with an actual desire to act on that sexual attraction. Asexuality is a lack of an innate desire to connect sexually with other people for sexual and/or emotional pleasure, regardless of attractions felt. Some asexuals (well, grey asexuals imo) *do* experience what you are describing (a feeling of "sexual desire" caused by another person) minus any desire to actually act on it, ever. What you are describing though is just a normal and common aspect of sexuality, unless I read something totally wrong?

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Sockstealingnome

You could be gray ace or honestly, it could just be your libido. Sometimes when my libido spikes having sex sounds like it'd be pretty fucking good. Then I actually have to interact with a person and it kills everything.

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m4rble

You pick up on hormones?

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FictoVore.

You pick up on hormones?

A lot of people can pick up on other peoples "vibes", especially sexual ones. In the right circumstances this can be a good thing and can cause you to become aroused as well, like um "sexual energy" from them turning you on. However it's the same reason people can become very uncomfortable when they know someone is directing unwanted sexual energy at them in say, a workplace environment. This next part is sad and TMI, but kids can pick up on it too if someone is directing that energy at them and it makes them feel very uncomfortable and scared etc, but they don't understand what it is or how to word it, they just know "that person makes them feel bad when that person looks at them" etc. But yeah in the right circumstances (ie with someone you like and trust, or sometimes even just with a stranger at a bar or whatever) that feeling of having sexual desire/sexual energy directed at you can be a real turn-on and can make you want to have sex.

And yes humans can directly pick up on each others hormones (especially sexual ones)through pheromones in the sweat and in each others scent. Just the presence of these sexual hormones coming off another person can be very sexually arousing (thanks evolution, lol)

Sorry about all the typos and spelling mistakes, I'm on my phone and it hates me haha. I'll fix this up when I get on my comp later.

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Fluffy Gray

Spontaneous desire is kind of like what I am defining as sexual attraction but that is still not quite it, more like constant desire. that does not mean that "sexual person" always want to have sex, but that they are always attracted to "___ Person".

And what I am saying is that I never feel that attraction even as my Sexdrive spikes.

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m4rble

You pick up on hormones?

A lot of people can pick up on other peoples "vibes", especially sexual ones. In the right circumstances this can be a good thing and can cause you to become aroused as well, like um "sexual energy" from them turning you on. However it's the same reason people can become very uncomfortable when they know someone is directing unwanted sexual energy at them in say, a work place environment. This next part is sad and TMI, but kids can pick up on it too if someone is directing that energy at them and it makes them feel very uncomfortable and scared etc, but they don't understand what it is or how to word it, they just know "that person makes them feel bad when that person looks at them" etc. But yeah in the right circumstances (ie with someone you like and trust, or sometimes even just with a stranger at a bar or whatever) that feeling of having sexual desire/sexual energy directed at you can be a real turn-on and can make you want to have sex.

And yes humans can directly pick up on each others hormones (especially sexual ones) through pheramones in the sweat and in each others scent. Just the presence of these sexual hormones coming off another person can be very sexually arousing (thanks evolution, lol)

Sorry about all the typos and spelling mistakes, I'm on my phone and it hates me haha. I'll fix this up when I get on my comp later.

I've actually heard of this before now that you mention it, and seen scientific studies that show heterosexual men and women are attracted to the sweat of sexually desirable partners(women ovulating and men who have a different immune system). I would like to see how this compares to non-hetersexuals, but it seems like in my experience the vast majority of studies related to sexuality(that aren't specifically about sexual orientation) are done on heterosexuals only. I'm generally suspicious of claims that people can pick up on another person's vibe or read a lot about someone's internal states because it seems like it would be quite easy to misread people. Maybe it's because I know I've been misread at least a couple of times before(not in a way related to sexuality) or maybe because I generally dislike ambiguity(It's not like you can know for sure what someone else is thinking)

Spontaneous desire is kind of like what I am defining as sexual attraction but that is still not quite it, more like constant desire. that does not mean that "sexual person" always want to have sex, but that they are always attracted to "___ Person".

And what I am saying is that I never feel that attraction even as my Sexdrive spikes.

I don't understand the definition you gave for sexual attraction. Sexual people do not always experience sexual attraction and people can have different reasons for desiring sex. That's not necessarily an indication of orientation.

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Fluffy Gray

Spontaneous desire is kind of like what I am defining as sexual attraction but that is still not quite it, more like constant desire. that does not mean that "sexual person" always want to have sex, but that they are always attracted to "___ Person".

And what I am saying is that I never feel that attraction even as my Sexdrive spikes.

I don't understand the definition you gave for sexual attraction. Sexual people do not always experience sexual attraction and people can have different reasons for desiring sex. That's not necessarily an indication of orientation.

it is hard for me to explain, i am talking to a few friends about it.

basicly if "Person A" is sexually attracted to "Person B" that, For the most part, are always attracted to "Person B". being attracted does not mean they want to have sex with the but that they think they are attractive and sexy.

So i am trying to say that even as my sexdrive(Body) spikes i never feel sexual attraction(mind).

My "sexual" friend just said. "you can have the desire to look but not to touch" they idea that they are attracted to but dont want to have sex with.

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FictoVore.
Spontaneous desire is kind of like what I am defining as sexual attraction but that is still not quite it, more like constant desire. that does not mean that "sexual person" always want to have sex, but that they are always attracted to "___ Person".

And what I am saying is that I never feel that attraction even as my Sexdrive spikes.

I don't understand the definition you gave for sexual attraction. Sexual people do not always experience sexual attraction and people can have different reasons for desiring sex. That's not necessarily an indication of orientation.

it is hard for me to explain, i am talking to a few friends about it.

basicly if "Person A" is sexually attracted to "Person B" that, For the most part, are always attracted to "Person B". being attracted does not mean they want to have sex with the but that they think they are attractive and sexy.

So i am trying to say that even as my sexdrive(Body) spikes i never feel sexual attraction(mind).

My "sexual" friend just said. "you can have the desire to look but not to touch" they idea that they are attracted to but dont want to have sex with.

Finding someone attractive and "sexy" isn't a defining factor for anything. Most of the *asexuals* I have met still find people attractive, and can be attracted to certain body shapes and types. Sexuals can experience this too yes, but it's not a defining factor for orientation in any way.

If you find certain people attractive to look at, or find certain people attractive in a way that causes arousal, and you want to have sex with them as a result of that arousal, or just want to have sex with them because you like the way they look, that's sexual.

If you *don't* find someone "physically attractive" and just don't really experience that "you're hot!" attraction for anyone, but want to have sex with people based on other factors (ie they make you aroused for other reasons not based on appearance, and you want to have sex with them even though you don't find them "attractive" to look at.. or you just experience "libido spikes" and want to have sex with others because you're horny, regardless of what they look like, or whatever) that's also sexual.

If you *don't* want to have sex with anyone, regardless of whether or not you find them (or anyone else) attractive, that's asexual.

An example of grey-asexual (imo) would be "becoming sexually aroused by the appearance or other aspects of certain people, but with no desire to have sex with them or anyone else, ever" ..so grey (to me) falls not clearly enough under asexual or sexual to be either. What you are describing does fall clearly under the sexual label to me, as it is a common aspect of sexuality, BUT of course it's up to everyone to identify in a way that is most comfortable for them.

And a sexual person may *never* experience "finding someone attractive in a way that causes them arousal" but may still desire sex when their "sex drive" is spiking, that's what makes them sexual. They desire sex under some circumstances regardless of attractions felt (or not felt)

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Fluffy Gray

i understand what you are saying but there are plenty of asexuals who desire sex at one point or another due to whatever reason.

Does anyone else experience something like this?

Yes, when it comes to the period.

You could be gray ace or honestly, it could just be your libido. Sometimes when my libido spikes having sex sounds like it'd be pretty fucking good. Then I actually have to interact with a person and it kills everything.

these people felt sexual desire to some extent, where is the line drawn?
I was under the impression that it was "someone who does not experience sexual attraction" or "individuals with low or absent sexual desire or attractions" to have low sexual desire/attraction it to still have the desire/attraction and by your statement those people above are sexual.

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m4rble

i understand what you are saying but there are plenty of asexuals who desire sex at one point or another due to whatever reason.

Does anyone else experience something like this?

Yes, when it comes to the period.

You could be gray ace or honestly, it could just be your libido. Sometimes when my libido spikes having sex sounds like it'd be pretty fucking good. Then I actually have to interact with a person and it kills everything.

these people felt sexual desire to some extent, where is the line drawn?

I was under the impression that it was "someone who does not experience sexual attraction" or "individuals with low or absent sexual desire or attractions" to have low sexual desire/attraction it to still have the desire/attraction and by your statement those people above are sexual.

There's actually a lot of debates on Aven about attraction vs desire and a lot of long time members prefer a desire based definition. I think that a desire based definition is often more useful because it indicates a preferred relationship style and it seems less ambiguous.

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Fluffy Gray

i understand what you are saying but there are plenty of asexuals who desire sex at one point or another due to whatever reason.

Does anyone else experience something like this?

Yes, when it comes to the period.

You could be gray ace or honestly, it could just be your libido. Sometimes when my libido spikes having sex sounds like it'd be pretty fucking good. Then I actually have to interact with a person and it kills everything.

these people felt sexual desire to some extent, where is the line drawn?

I was under the impression that it was "someone who does not experience sexual attraction" or "individuals with low or absent sexual desire or attractions" to have low sexual desire/attraction it to still have the desire/attraction and by your statement those people above are sexual.

There's actually a lot of debates on Aven about attraction vs desire and a lot of long time members prefer a desire based definition. I think that a desire based definition is often more useful because it indicates a preferred relationship style and it seems less ambiguous.

So in the end we are defining on whether you have sex or not???

that still does not work, because if i was dating someone who had no sexual drive/ desire than i would have less desire and we would not have sex, but if i was dating someone with a really high sex drive/ desire i would have more desire and we probably would have sex.

Edited by Fluffy Gray

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m4rble

i understand what you are saying but there are plenty of asexuals who desire sex at one point or another due to whatever reason.

Does anyone else experience something like this?

Yes, when it comes to the period.

You could be gray ace or honestly, it could just be your libido. Sometimes when my libido spikes having sex sounds like it'd be pretty fucking good. Then I actually have to interact with a person and it kills everything.

these people felt sexual desire to some extent, where is the line drawn?

I was under the impression that it was "someone who does not experience sexual attraction" or "individuals with low or absent sexual desire or attractions" to have low sexual desire/attraction it to still have the desire/attraction and by your statement those people above are sexual.

There's actually a lot of debates on Aven about attraction vs desire and a lot of long time members prefer a desire based definition. I think that a desire based definition is often more useful because it indicates a preferred relationship style and it seems less ambiguous.

So in the end we are defining on whether you have sex or not???

Nope. It's whether you desire sex for your own sexual and/or emotional pleasure or not.

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Fluffy Gray

i understand what you are saying but there are plenty of asexuals who desire sex at one point or another due to whatever reason.

Does anyone else experience something like this?

Yes, when it comes to the period.

You could be gray ace or honestly, it could just be your libido. Sometimes when my libido spikes having sex sounds like it'd be pretty fucking good. Then I actually have to interact with a person and it kills everything.

these people felt sexual desire to some extent, where is the line drawn?

I was under the impression that it was "someone who does not experience sexual attraction" or "individuals with low or absent sexual desire or attractions" to have low sexual desire/attraction it to still have the desire/attraction and by your statement those people above are sexual.

There's actually a lot of debates on Aven about attraction vs desire and a lot of long time members prefer a desire based definition. I think that a desire based definition is often more useful because it indicates a preferred relationship style and it seems less ambiguous.

So in the end we are defining on whether you have sex or not???

Nope. It's whether you desire sex for your own sexual and/or emotional pleasure or not.

that still does not work, because if i was dating someone who had no sexual drive/ desire than i would have less desire and we would not have sex, but if i was dating someone with a really high sex drive/ desire i would have more desire and we probably would have sex.

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Autumn Season

What does not work?

If you use the desire-based definition, you turn out (allo)sexual or grey-a. Exactly because under certain circumstances you desire to be sexually intimate with somebody.

Being sexual doesn't mean wanting sex under all circumstances and 24/7.

However if you can be happy in a romantic relationship without sex, then "grey-a" fits well too, in my opinion.

In the end you can use whichever label makes you most comfortable.

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FictoVore.

Regardless of whether or not you use an attraction or a desire-based definition, AVEN itself (in the General FAQ) defines "sexual attraction" *as* "the desire for sexual contact with someone else" so when looked at like that, it's all the same definition, just worded differently. It *all* means "no innate desire to have sex with other people" whichever definition you use.

Asexuals have no desire for partnered sex for sexual and/or emotional pleasure, that's what makes them asexual. They can still *have* sex (ie to please a partner who desires sex, to have a baby, to try to "fit in" are just some examples) but they don't *desire* that sex for their own pleasure, and would be perfectly happy to *never* have sex again (would actually prefer it that way in the perfect world).. They wouldn't ever miss having sex or wish they could have it if they were never able to have sex again in their entire life, no matter how aroused they are or how attractive they find someone.

EDIT: And yes you can of course use whichever label you are most comfortable with. I say I am grey-a even though for all intents and purposes I am fully asexual (no desire to have sex, ever, have never once enjoyed it when I have had it, just don't want it and won't do it, haven't had it for years now and couldn't be happier with that) but I am more comfortable identifying as grey-a because I do experience arousal and "sexual desire" in relation to other people, and have certain very sexual seeming fetishes, I just don't have any desire to actually have sex with anyone, ever. I have been told by quite a few people now I'm asexual and should just identify that way, but I don't
know.. I just feel more comfortable with grey-a for now, so I go with that (though I only bother mentioning it in situations like this)

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m4rble

Sexual attraction is defined in a slightly more detailed way in the Aven wiki, but it still seems to say that having sex for the sake of sex is implies sexual attraction was involved. Granted there is some disagreement over the terms: http://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index.php?title=Sexual_attraction

Don't be scared off because we got into a definition debate in your first thread. There's still a lot on Aven you could find useful if you feel so inclined.

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FictoVore.

Sexual attraction is defined in a slightly more detailed way in the Aven wiki, but it still seems to say that having sex for the sake of sex is implies sexual attraction was involved. Granted there is some disagreement over the terms: http://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index.php?title=Sexual_attraction

Don't be scared off because we got into a definition debate in your first thread. There's still a lot on Aven you could find useful if you feel so inclined.

It's more that this site just needs some actual education about what sexuality is, and what normal aspects of sexuality are. This site (and the wiki) needs to stop trying to define sexual attraction (just get rid of that nonsense altogether) and needs to stop basing asexuality around this ''sexual attraction'' thing that no one can adequately define (because ''sexual attraction'' isn't the defining factor for sexual people's sexuality, it shouldn't be for us either) ..We just need proper education about sexuality and how sexuals experience it (backed up by scientific data) and quotes and things by all the sexual people on this site who have gone to effort to try and describe sexuality, all in one easy to navigate place. That way we could just link there in threads like this, and it would stop all ''debate'' and be less intimidating for people. They could go and read that, and think ''hmmmm that actually sounds a *lot* like what I am experiencing'' or ''I don't experience any of that at all'' then if they wanted to take it further, they could make a thread like this.

So yeah sorry OP for getting all descriptive, it's not your fault the definition is so messy which causes people a lot of confusion. What you were describing is a lot like what sexual people experience, and if you posted that in an active sexual forum I believe you would have had a lot of sexual people saying ''yes I experience that too!'' in reply to your bolded question. Whereas here, not many people experience what you described.

But yeah all that aside, AVEN can still be a real help to people regardless of what sexuality label they have (we even have lots of sexual people who find this community helpful) ..it's all just about asking questions and learning. pretty much.

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Fluffy Gray

Thank you everyone, this actually does make some sense now. I do understand that a lot of the confusion comes from Different wording or interpretation of a definition so thank you for bearing through it and giving you opinion.

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Sockstealingnome

You pick up on hormones?

A lot of people can pick up on other peoples "vibes", especially sexual ones. In the right circumstances this can be a good thing and can cause you to become aroused as well, like um "sexual energy" from them turning you on. However it's the same reason people can become very uncomfortable when they know someone is directing unwanted sexual energy at them in say, a work place environment. This next part is sad and TMI, but kids can pick up on it too if someone is directing that energy at them and it makes them feel very uncomfortable and scared etc, but they don't understand what it is or how to word it, they just know "that person makes them feel bad when that person looks at them" etc. But yeah in the right circumstances (ie with someone you like and trust, or sometimes even just with a stranger at a bar or whatever) that feeling of having sexual desire/sexual energy directed at you can be a real turn-on and can make you want to have sex.

And yes humans can directly pick up on each others hormones (especially sexual ones) through pheramones in the sweat and in each others scent. Just the presence of these sexual hormones coming off another person can be very sexually arousing (thanks evolution, lol)

Sorry about all the typos and spelling mistakes, I'm on my phone and it hates me haha. I'll fix this up when I get on my comp later.

I've actually heard of this before now that you mention it, and seen scientific studies that show heterosexual men and women are attracted to the sweat of sexually desirable partners(women ovulating and men who have a different immune system). I would like to see how this compares to non-hetersexuals, but it seems like in my experience the vast majority of studies related to sexuality(that aren't specifically about sexual orientation) are done on heterosexuals only. I'm generally suspicious of claims that people can pick up on another person's vibe or read a lot about someone's internal states because it seems like it would be quite easy to misread people. Maybe it's because I know I've been misread at least a couple of times before(not in a way related to sexuality) or maybe because I generally dislike ambiguity(It's not like you can know for sure what someone else is thinking)

Spontaneous desire is kind of like what I am defining as sexual attraction but that is still not quite it, more like constant desire. that does not mean that "sexual person" always want to have sex, but that they are always attracted to "___ Person".

And what I am saying is that I never feel that attraction even as my Sexdrive spikes.

I don't understand the definition you gave for sexual attraction. Sexual people do not always experience sexual attraction and people can have different reasons for desiring sex. That's not necessarily an indication of orientation.

I think I'm fairly good at picking up on those "sexual vibes" and yeah, it makes me uncomfortable. It seems to be a combination of body language, tone, the things they say, but most importantly, the glint they get in their eyes when they look at you. I don't know how to describe it but they get these intense stares and it makes it difficult to make any kind of eye contact with them at all. That seems to work against me because then they assume that I'm attracted to them but shy.

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GLRDT
On 4/10/2016 at 1:07 PM, Fluffy Gray said:

I have for a wile questions how valid my asexuality is because my mind and my body are on two different tracks.

I never feel sexualy attracted to people, never thinking of them in that way, but I'm finding I pick up on hormones that increase my sexual desire. Whether it is right befor my period or if their hormones match up with mine and they are feeling that sexual attraction.

These hormones slowly affect my mental state, I'm still not sexually attracted to the person more like i'm attracted to the attraction they feel. (Often saying i feed off their sexual drive) But I may very easally break out of it and just start laughing resulting in an almost instant drop in mental attraction and my partner has to work to build me back up from the beginning to make my mental state match my physical.

Does anyone else experience something like this?

Pretty much very similar. Thanks for putting words to it.

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GLRDT
On 4/11/2016 at 0:40 AM, Fluffy Gray said:

it is hard for me to explain, i am talking to a few friends about it.

basicly if "Person A" is sexually attracted to "Person B" that, For the most part, are always attracted to "Person B". being attracted does not mean they want to have sex with the but that they think they are attractive and sexy.

So i am trying to say that even as my sexdrive(Body) spikes i never feel sexual attraction(mind).

My "sexual" friend just said. "you can have the desire to look but not to touch" they idea that they are attracted to but dont want to have sex with.

Yaaaaaaaaas

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