Asexuals who have had sex, lend me your ears.

[levelskid]

Ignoring the seemingly ironic title for a bit, but to asexuals who are having or have had sex, why did you do it? I could list off a few reasons why I would. To take care libido, to take care of my partner's libido (I know how annoying that gets and to live with somebody who could cause that reaction and not being willing to have it with them strikes a sympathy chord), to have kids, for my partner's pleasure, to keep peace around the house, etc...

[Evren]

I haven't done it but I want to do it for curiosty. I want to experince what it's like. In fact if it follows my usual pattern, I will try absolutely everything (that i'm comfortable with) pertaining to sex, and then never do it again.

[champagnerain]

I do it because my partner wants it, and I enjoy making him happy. He also (as compared to the few previous sexual partners I've had) is quite skilled in bed...I'm not sure I would be as willing to compromise if it wasn't at least pleasurable/enjoyable for me (previous experiences with former partners generally weren't).

[IntrovertedBuddhist]

I did it because I felt I had to. I wasn't aware of asexuality so I just rolled up my sleeves (metaphorically speaking lol) & got it done. Plus, it made my girlfriend happy so that helped I guess.

[Lord Jade Cross]

I havent done it but I have felt like I had to because it was something everyone around did and chastised me for not showing interest in. Needless to say that tends to cause alot of confusion with yourself.

[tase]

My first time I kind of had the same thoughts as Evren and others in this thread. Curiosity, societal preasures...

I've mentioned many times my only life goal, sexual wise, was to not die a virgin (personal choice only). So I was a willing participant my first time (age 23) and it took almost blackout level of alcohol to ge the nerve up (apparently I'd didn't effect getting other things up-ha) to go through with it. And being the polar opposite of champagnerain's partner, I never really searched it out again. Then I had the please the partner dilemma through my 20 yr marriage. If I happened to be like champagnerain's partner who knows how different my life might be.

[Wineblood]

I first tried it out of curiosity. When I was in a relationship I did it because it was nice and I was sometimes nagged. Like most things, after enough experience it isn't a big deal anymore.

[SithLord]

I only did it because my partner wanted it, and will continue to have sex only because he wants it. If his libido suddenly disappeared, I'd be cool with never having sex again. I have no libido and there's no pleasure in sex for me, so it's entirely for him.

[SpeedinThroughSpace]

My girlfriend wanted to do it, and while I wasn't particularly enthusiastic about sex, I wanted to make her happy, and I was curious what it would be like. We were both virgins, so neither of us knew much about sex (because really, sex ed isn't much useful knowledge aside of 'babies come from combining these parts, STDs exist, use condoms and stuff'), so curiosity was a big part, at least for me. Everyone was talking about sex, it was all over the media, and I didn't get what the fuss was about. So when my girlfriend said she wanted to have sex, I eventually agreed (there was some talking me into it involved).

And then I kind of went back to thinking it's overrated and that people make up the fascination with sex because everyone does.

... I really should have realised something about my sexuality is not 'normal'. I never felt like I want to do it again. I tried it out, it was actually kind of fun, but that's it. I would probably do it again if it came up, but I'm perfectly fine without it.

[Éadweard]

Because I was curious. Unlike some asexuals, I didn't realize I had no desire for sex until I had it.

[Guest]

Ignoring the seemingly ironic title for a bit, but to asexuals who are having or have had sex, why did you do it? I could list off a few reasons why I would. To take care libido, to take care of my partner's libido (I know how annoying that gets and to live with somebody who could cause that reaction and not being willing to have it with them strikes a sympathy chord), to have kids, for my partner's pleasure, to keep peace around the house, etc...

I did it at first because I just assumed it was part of having a relationship. Once you're X age, sex is involved. It was just default and I didn't question it. I didn't want it, but my partner did and so I just did. But, I wasn't that into it. So, then I started asking people advice on why I didn't seem to be as thrilled with sex as other people. And I was told women don't really like it like men do, but we are supposed to keep doing it anyways, if we want a relationship. So, then I started doing it cause I did want a relationship.

... then I started being around women that did like it and did want it. And my partner at the time I noticed then was wanting it a lot, all the time and noticing I wasn't as into it as I should be. So, I googled how to fix a low libido... found a mention of asexuality, found AVEN, went "OOoooh". And then I had sex out of compromise, to sate my partner's needs.

Now, I don't have sex, cause it's totally not worth it to me.

[012]

I did it because I felt I had to. I wasn't aware of asexuality so I just rolled up my sleeves (metaphorically speaking lol) & got it done. Plus, it made my girlfriend happy so that helped I guess.

More or less the same story here. I didn't know this definition existed, I thought it was what everyone was "supposed" to do. Although from the start I was questioning why am I not in to this?

[Éadweard]

I'm noticing that with a lot of us who have had sex it was just like a chore or something we did because everyone else was doing it. It wasn't a tragic experience, just that we would rather just be doing something else. That's one of the biggest things I find people misunderstand about me being asexual. It's like they think guys are supposed to be impotent, and I always tell them that it's just a general apathy toward sex for me.

[Guest]

I did it because I felt I had to. I wasn't aware of asexuality so I just rolled up my sleeves (metaphorically speaking lol) & got it done. Plus, it made my girlfriend happy so that helped I guess.

More or less the same story here. I didn't know this definition existed, I thought it was what everyone was "supposed" to do. Although from the start I was questioning why am I not in to this?

Same for me. I did it because I thought I had to. And *before* I had sex I had no reason to think i was "different" from anyone else. I feel attraction, experience arousal, have fantasies, masturbate etc.. So I assumed everything was normal.. until the actual sex started and it was like "oookaaaay when will this be over so we can get back to the fun stuff" (ie cuddling and kissing) ..I assumed with practice and experience I'd grow out of it (and a doctor confirmed that) but it never changed for me. I never wanted to have sex and it got to the point where I just couldn't do it anymore, I hated having it *that* much. I never experienced pleasure from it, I cannot maintain arousal in a sexual situation because I don't want sex. Same as if I was aroused and you put me on a rugby field and gave me a ball and told me to start playing rugby. I'm not going to be able to maintain arousal during that because I fucking hate doing sports lol and I don't *want* to do sports (especially lame-arse rugby). That's what sex is like for me. It's having to do something I don't like doing and don't *want* to do. Learning about asexuality a couple of years ago (maybe it was 3 years now) was a *huge* relief and was actually life-changing for me because yeah, partners that don't want to have sex with me :lol: *lights fireworks*

Thankfully I haven't had sex in like 5years, and haven't played rugby in even longer :P yusssss

[Guest]

I'm noticing that with a lot of us who have had sex it was just like a chore or something we did because everyone else was doing it. It wasn't a tragic experience, just that we would rather just be doing something else. That's one of the biggest things I find people misunderstand about me being asexual. It's like they think guys are supposed to be impotent, and I always tell them that it's just a general apathy toward sex for me.

Yeah I've been intimate with a few ace guys now and they certainly weren't impotent (I'd say the polar opposite of impotent hehe) but yeah, just had no desire to do anything *with* their erm...lack of impotence (as in, no desire to have sex no matter how physically aroused they were) ..That seems common for a lot of ace guys I've talked to (and some women too, myself included..not that I talk to myself.. well um..you know what I mean anyway lol)

Oh also regarding your earlier comment, I've noticed that is relatively common for aces who experience arousal etc.. We don't know we have no desire to have sex until we actually have it and it's like.. "uuuuum, seriously? *that's* what all the fuss is about? Fuck that (no pun intended haha) I'd rather game" :P

[erah]

I did it because my boyfriend push me to do it. (What i mean push was a real push). And i was so stupid to accept that "push" as something normal.

He always tried so hard and i was so in love. He compared me with other girls and mostly with ex-girlfriend. Tried to convince me that "this is something that i have to do to have him and keep our relationship alive". I believed that it is something i should do.

For four years i did what he "needs" to make him happy. Many times it ended up with me crying and he yaling on me. I was happy to make him happy. But never enjoyed.

After 10years relationship, just 5 months later our engagement i broke up with him. At the end i understood that sex is over everything for him, even over me.

I discovered my asexuality few months ago. Now i know there is nothing wrong with me as he always said. So sex has nothing positive for me. It is something gave me psychological problems and anxiety attacs

[Onomatopoeia]

Because I didn't know what asexuality is at the time, so I felt like I had to - everyone else was. I actually had sex with multiple partners and "kept appearances" like a sexual. It wasn't until my last partner that I started to research what was "wrong" with me, because by all accounts the sex I was having was "good" and I still wasn't into it. And then AVEN and my realization happened. And the fact that the expectation of sex gave me so much anxiety in previous relationships finally made sense.

[IntrovertedBuddhist]

I did it because my boyfriend push me to do it. (What i mean push was a real push). And i was so stupid to accept that "push" as something normal.

He always tried so hard and i was so in love. He compared me with other girls and mostly with ex-girlfriend. Tried to convince me that "this is something that i have to do to have him and keep our relationship alive". I believed that it is something i should do.

For four years i did what he "needs" to make him happy. Many times it ended up with me crying and he yaling on me. I was happy to make him happy. But never enjoyed.

After 10years relationship, just 5 months later our engagement i broke up with him. At the end i understood that sex is over everything for him, even over me.

I discovered my asexuality few months ago. Now i know there is nothing wrong with me as he always said. So sex has nothing positive for me. It is something gave me psychological problems and anxiety attacs

Yeah, the comparing to ex's thing is terrible, guys are always supposed to want sex. That's what ended my relationship with my ex. I put up with a ridiculous amount of crap to make that relationship work. I hated myself every day we were together but it was my first relationship, I did really love her & people finally looked at me like I was "normal". Plus, I wanted to make her happy. The second she compared me to her ex though, I broke. I already hated myself for how selfish I was & that was when I realized how completely selfish SHE was. Left her on the spot. So yeah, sex has nothing positive (certainly no fond memories) for me either.

A few overdoses, a clinical "death" & a stint in rehab later & I was the lovable Buddhist you all know today. Bit of an over-share there I know, but I think it communicates what some of us are willing to go through to fit in with sexual culture when we think it's the only path.

[012]

I'm noticing that with a lot of us who have had sex it was just like a chore or something we did because everyone else was doing it. It wasn't a tragic experience, just that we would rather just be doing something else. That's one of the biggest things I find people misunderstand about me being asexual. It's like they think guys are supposed to be impotent, and I always tell them that it's just a general apathy toward sex for me.

"uuuuum, seriously? *that's* what all the fuss is about?

That's literally what my reaction was LOL :)

[Ruby Dooby]

My male friend was pestering me for about 2 years about sex so I gave in and slept with him. I didnt know anything about asexuality back then, so I wanted to see if sex would suddenly make me think about sex or relationships, it didn't. I got no emotional or sexual satisfaction from sex and I dont think about it at all.it was just an experiment that I wish never happened haha

[email]

Ignoring the seemingly ironic title for a bit, but to asexuals who are having or have had sex, why did you do it? I could list off a few reasons why I would. To take care libido, to take care of my partner's libido (I know how annoying that gets and to live with somebody who could cause that reaction and not being willing to have it with them strikes a sympathy chord), to have kids, for my partner's pleasure, to keep peace around the house, etc...

First guy I was with:

Because I didn't tell my partner at the time I was ace. I knew I was ace. I even went to ace meetups. Just didn't bother mentioning I was ace. I just wanted to see if (sex) it was alright. It was, though it isn't something I want.

Second guy I was with:

Unemployed, depressed, bored - when you've been like that for several months I just ended up 'helping' one of my guy mates... that's why I did it...

[Esper]

I did it because I thought that was what anyone did and I was in love so surely I should want sex, and it was just inexperience which made me nervous. Also I have a libido so the thought that maybe I just didn't like sex never crossed me

It broke my relationship too, because I transfered my own wariness towards sex to my boyfriend instead.

In hindsight I really wish I knew about asexuality at that time. It would have saved me a lot of grief.

[Inkspill]

My reason was really odd, I think. I always knew I was Ace, but I didnt want to be and I thought I could force myself out of it xD. So, therefore I had sex of all different kinds. I even hired a high-end prostitute at one point and had her study different stuff and try to make sex enjoyable, but NOTHING. It was really depressing until I accepted that this was never going to change and this was just the way I am. I guess one could equate it to a gay person sleeping with a women for a while, due to denial of their sexuality. Everything for me was forced and miserable and it was in attempt to live up to social expectations. Still havent come out--I dont really see a point except for in a relationship, but I also think it would be somewhat embarassing.

[KendraPM]

I've done it for a mixture of partner constantly asking and to get rid of my libido (before I realized that's more effective, and more enjoyable, if I do it myself). Later on I did it in an effort to "fix" myself, although I didn't realize that's what I was doing. Now I'm willing to compromise if any future partner desires, but only to an extent and only if they want to. I'd rather do without.

[WoodwindWhistler]

I've only given a handjob, (and something that was . . . sort of a handjob, eh, not going to go into it) and I would say I had a very acute mental desire to make the other person, who I cared about a lot, feel good. That's the best way I can describe it.

I've purposefully had detailed fantasies about how to give good blowjobs, yet trying to figure ways to make it not so . . . um, gross, because I kinda want to try my hand- er- mouth at it someday. For the experience, yes, but also because . . . again, I know people like it. Watching the other person in the throes of pleasure is like, a clinical fascination of mine, I guess. It has somehow really put into perspective that I can't be 'in' another person's mind, experiencing what they experience, if that makes sense. I don't know how to explain it, but it's very philosophical for me.

Sensuality has the same effect. Asking what the other person likes, getting them to explain sensations, comparing them to mine, etc. It's just . . . 'fascinating,' as Spock would say.

[WoodwindWhistler]

To everyone on the thread, how is your attitude towards cuddling? (Pan already answered that question)

Especially those of you who are just "meh" about sex, and don't have bad experiences associated with it.

My reason was really odd, I think. I always knew I was Ace, but I didnt want to be and I thought I could force myself out of it xD. So, therefore I had sex of all different kinds. I even hired a high-end prostitute at one point and had her study different stuff and try to make sex enjoyable, but NOTHING. It was really depressing until I accepted that this was never going to change and this was just the way I am. I guess one could equate it to a gay person sleeping with a women for a while, due to denial of their sexuality. Everything for me was forced and miserable and it was in attempt to live up to social expectations. Still havent come out--I dont really see a point except for in a relationship, but I also think it would be somewhat embarassing.

So you didn't enjoy any sensuality/cuddling at all? How close were you to these people? (not the prostitute)

The first thing that popped into my head was 'slow down and smell the roses, buddy.' If you rush past to the destination, especially one you didn't want in the first place, you may be cheating yourself out of something. Yeah, if it's forced and rushed, that does sound very un-enjoyable.

[GliderRider]

I did sex for years because I'm intensely romantic and way into dudes, and in general dudes get like, REAL upset when you put it off, avoid it, or stop having it. It can be a cool experience, but once the novelty wore off I lost interest and it started to feel invasive. It just happened to me this year, and while it wouldn't totally shock me if I tried it again someday, asexuality feels like something that's always been there. Heh, you might say that my sexualness was "just a phase".

[thatotherguy57]

I was 20 the one time I had sex (I'm 33 now), long before I had any knowledge of asexuality. I wanted to do it because I thought it was a necessary part of being in a relationship, and my (then) girlfriend REALLY wanted to. I got no pleasure from it. I would be willing to engage in it again, provided I was involved in a very serious relationship, but I wouldn't be the one initiating it, sex is something I can live without.

[.diva plavalaguna.]

I haven't done it, but have discussed eventually doing it with the person I am interested in... tbh I'm kind of terrified of it? Even if I like it, I doubt I will want to do it very often just because the more you do it, the more you risk getting pregnant (even with contraception/protection)....and I am not having any damn babies. But I'm already very self conscious and easily nervous so I'm afraid that will "hurt" the experience. I only want to do it to see what the big deal is, and for his sake....but if I can't get anything from it, I'm not sure that I'll keep it up, even for him. And if that comes to be, I don't know what will happen after...might be single again, and for good. Meh.

In all honesty though I wish it were not even a thing. I wouldn't do it at all normally. And I'm still not entirely sure how my partner feels about it, because at first it seemed he was more like me but now he seems more sexual and like he really wants it and I don't know if I'll be able to deal with that. It will always be on my mind that he wants sexual type things from me/with me and I'd prefer to think about painting or drawing or traveling or something. Not planning every way to get through it and avoiding pregnancy. Ew.

[WoodwindWhistler]

I haven't done it, but have discussed eventually doing it with the person I am interested in... tbh I'm kind of terrified of it? Even if I like it, I doubt I will want to do it very often just because the more you do it, the more you risk getting pregnant (even with contraception/protection)....and I am not having any damn babies. But I'm already very self conscious and easily nervous so I'm afraid that will "hurt" the experience. I only want to do it to see what the big deal is, and for his sake....but if I can't get anything from it, I'm not sure that I'll keep it up, even for him. And if that comes to be, I don't know what will happen after...might be single again, and for good. Meh.

In all honesty though I wish it were not even a thing. I wouldn't do it at all normally. And I'm still not entirely sure how my partner feels about it, because at first it seemed he was more like me but now he seems more sexual and like he really wants it and I don't know if I'll be able to deal with that. It will always be on my mind that he wants sexual type things from me/with me and I'd prefer to think about painting or drawing or traveling or something. Not planning every way to get through it and avoiding pregnancy. Ew.

Remember, penetration is in no way required for sex.

That's like my mantra/catchphrase.

However, if he's insistent, and you are nervous about pain, remember you can also use graduated toys to slowly . . . erm, widen yourself first. If he is big, that's a legitimate concern for you, and not one he should take lightly. (ideally that's how most first times would be achieved, speaking for other women)

Maybe he's slightly demi? Or maybe demi in the sense that he wasn't really keen on it at first and now it's stronger since your bond has strengthened.

I'll quote from my Sex Cautionary thread:

"As one of my QPPs once said, "P.I.V.? Anal? Why bother? Why even take the risk? What's wrong with fingers, tongues, and dildos?"

Full body massages are hott, let me tell you. You know some women can orgasm just through breast stimulation alone?

If you work on Tantra, pop open the Kama Sutra, or look into other sources, you can make yourself orgasm with no stimulation whatsoever. You and your partner can literally talk each other into climax.

Also, men can orgasm without ejaculating, if they work on Kegel exercises. (and ones who do report better energy and stamina) But, that's not 100% effective, though it does lower risk of pregnancy. Coupled with a condom, it's very nearly foolproof. No accidental tears or spills to worry about . . .

And Sex Ed classes should teach ladies Fertility Awareness. It also helps with being conscious of hormonal changes, effects on mood, and potential health problems.

So, uh, the question is, should sex ed be treating taking artificial hormones into your body as an "easy and obvious" fix? My opinion: No."

http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/134947-sex-n-or-sex-p-can-i-just-go-ahead-and-coin-the-term-sex-cautionary/