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PLEASE HELP! My relationship should be perfect. So why do I feel terrible?


PurveyorOfBadPuns

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PurveyorOfBadPuns

Hey, everyone, I really need some help and insight if you can provide it.

I'm dating a really awesome girl. She's really nice to me my friends and my parents love her. She's flexible and kind and really understanding when my schedule doesn't allow for spending lots of time together, and she's always really excited to see me. She really seems to like me. I've never been super sex averse, and I am okay with our sex life (a lot of times it ends up with me wondering when it will be over because I'm bored by the kissing and groping, but being bored isn't the worst thing in the world). If I don't want to have sex, she understands. It really should be perfect.

However, I feel an intense anxiety whenever I think about her or spending time with her. I want the relationship to end. I know I would be nothing but relieved if she broke up with me, and the only reason I haven't broken up with her is because I honestly can't figure out a reason why I don't want to be with her. She's a really really good person and I don't want to be the reason she's sad, but I also don't want to be with her and I don't understand why.

I feel like I'm broken and evil because she's pretty much the best and I keep having these negative thoughts about her. I just don't understand my own feelings and where they come from, and I've been freaking out pretty much nonstop. What's wrong with me? Please help!

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I would say take some time for yourself. List all the traits you like about them and all the traits you don't like about them (habits, physical appearence, etc). That might provide insight as to why you feel a need to break up with them.

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PurveyorOfBadPuns

I would say take some time for yourself. List all the traits you like about them and all the traits you don't like about them (habits, physical appearence, etc). That might provide insight as to why you feel a need to break up with them.

I've done that, and the problem is that I can't really list one definitive trait that I don't like about her, or at least not any that should outweigh how kind and awesome she is. I just want the relationship to end.

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Manic Pixie Dream Nerd

Maybe it has to do with the fact that you're aromantic? (Assuming what you said on your profile is accurate). It could be possible that although you really like her, you just might not like her in *that way* so you're getting uncomfortable. I was in a sorta-relationship with a guy I really liked once, but since I didn't really like him romantically I was kind of uncomfortable/ wanted the whole thing to end.

There isn't anything wrong with you!! You're not the only one who's had problems like this, and you're certainly not broken or evil for it. (But I know what you mean saying you feel that way).

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PurveyorOfBadPuns

Maybe it has to do with the fact that you're aromantic? (Assuming what you said on your profile is accurate). It could be possible that although you really like her, you just might not like her in *that way* so you're getting uncomfortable. I was in a sorta-relationship with a guy I really liked once, but since I didn't really like him romantically I was kind of uncomfortable/ wanted the whole thing to end.

There isn't anything wrong with you!! You're not the only one who's had problems like this, and you're certainly not broken or evil for it. (But I know what you mean saying you feel that way).

I'm not really super sure if I am aromantic because I do have romantic fantasies (but not sexual ones). Thank you for the solidarity! I just feel so mean because she's such a good person and I don't want to be with her.

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I would say take some time for yourself. List all the traits you like about them and all the traits you don't like about them (habits, physical appearence, etc). That might provide insight as to why you feel a need to break up with them.

I've done that, and the problem is that I can't really list one definitive trait that I don't like about her, or at least not any that should outweigh how kind and awesome she is. I just want the relationship to end.

Then it's only fair to her and to you to end it.

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PurveyorOfBadPuns

I would say take some time for yourself. List all the traits you like about them and all the traits you don't like about them (habits, physical appearence, etc). That might provide insight as to why you feel a need to break up with them.

I've done that, and the problem is that I can't really list one definitive trait that I don't like about her, or at least not any that should outweigh how kind and awesome she is. I just want the relationship to end.

Then it's only fair to her and to you to end it.

I just want to figure out why I want it to end. She clearly likes me, and I don't want to hurt her because I do like her a lot. I enjoy the time I spend with her in the moment, but I just feel massive anxiety about it before and after because I don't think I like her as much as she deserves.

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I would say take some time for yourself. List all the traits you like about them and all the traits you don't like about them (habits, physical appearence, etc). That might provide insight as to why you feel a need to break up with them.

I've done that, and the problem is that I can't really list one definitive trait that I don't like about her, or at least not any that should outweigh how kind and awesome she is. I just want the relationship to end.

Then it's only fair to her and to you to end it.

I just want to figure out why I want it to end. She clearly likes me, and I don't want to hurt her because I do like her a lot. I enjoy the time I spend with her in the moment, but I just feel massive anxiety about it before and after because I don't think I like her as much as she deserves.

It sounds to me like you've just stated why you want it to end: You feel that it's not an equal relationship. Are you worried that she will expect feelings from you that you don't have? Are you worried that she will be very upset if you end the relationship?

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PurveyorOfBadPuns

It sounds to me like you've just stated why you want it to end: You feel that it's not an equal relationship. Are you worried that she will expect feelings from you that you don't have? Are you worried that she will be very upset if you end the relationship?

I am worried I'll hurt her, and honestly I feel like I don't have a reason to end the relationship so I shouldn't. It would be much easier if I could point to something as being the reason, but the reason is honestly just that I want it to end. She's stated that she's okay with the relationship being unequal on my side because I'm so busy, but that doesn't help things so much.

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Maybe it has to do with the fact that you're aromantic? (Assuming what you said on your profile is accurate). It could be possible that although you really like her, you just might not like her in *that way* so you're getting uncomfortable. I was in a sorta-relationship with a guy I really liked once, but since I didn't really like him romantically I was kind of uncomfortable/ wanted the whole thing to end.

There isn't anything wrong with you!! You're not the only one who's had problems like this, and you're certainly not broken or evil for it. (But I know what you mean saying you feel that way).

I'm not really super sure if I am aromantic because I do have romantic fantasies (but not sexual ones). Thank you for the solidarity! I just feel so mean because she's such a good person and I don't want to be with her.

Would Cupioaroromantic fit you?

this is the definition: desiring and/or liking the idea of a romantic relationship but level of romantic attraction/desire for the relationship fluctuating.

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It sounds to me like you've just stated why you want it to end: You feel that it's not an equal relationship. Are you worried that she will expect feelings from you that you don't have? Are you worried that she will be very upset if you end the relationship?

I am worried I'll hurt her, and honestly I feel like I don't have a reason to end the relationship so I shouldn't. It would be much easier if I could point to something as being the reason, but the reason is honestly just that I want it to end. She's stated that she's okay with the relationship being unequal on my side because I'm so busy, but that doesn't help things so much.

You have a right to do what you think is best for you. Sometimes the carrying out of that right causes short-term hurt for others, but if you really don't want the relationship, that will hurt her also, and the longer it goes on, the worse that hurt will be.

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Autumn Season

This thread reminds me of a conversation I had with my mom:

- He is nice and I like him, but I don't want to be with him.

- Why?

- I just don't want to.

- But why?

In my case there were several reasons I didn't want to stay in the relationship. The main one being that I was not in love. Another important issue was that he was way more extroverted than me.

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just my 2 cents: you don't stay in a relationship because you can't find a reason why you shouldn't.

if you're not feeling it, you don't have to stay with her. tell her your feelings are more genuine for her as a friend, and you'd like to stop dating. you care about her a lot, but it's just not working for you.

ugh, this aro has been giving out waaaaay too much relationship advice today for someone who's only been in one relationship

good luck! :)

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Cinnamon Biscuit

Maybe it is a simple matter that you feel guilty that you aren't ecstatic over this "perfect" relationship? Maybe you feel disappointed in yourself because you think you "should" act and feel a certain way? That can cause a lot of anxiety.

If that's the case, you may need to come to terms with your expectations for your emotions (if you're a little bit aro). It may mean taking a break from the relationship to sort your feelings. It may mean you simply don't feel romantic towards her and that's okay and it's your choice to stay with her or not.

Have you sought out counseling for yourself? A counselor or therapist may be better equipped to help you get to the root of your anxiety. Whether you stay in the relationship or not, understanding yourself is important for your own happiness. Avoiding anxiety just leads to more restrictive anxiety in my experience.

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Hermit Advocate

I have the same feelings in regards to my boyfriend as you do for your girlfriend Purveyor. He's a great guy and I really do like him, but it seems like he is more invested in our relationship than I am. I am currently going through the process of working up the courage to break up with him because I really can't see our relationship having a future. I know it's going to be hard but I feel like it's the best thing to do. I'm not happy with things the way they are and I know that eventually these feelings will just cause even more hurt further down the road. I hope you can reach a decision in regards to your relationship that will make you happy in the long run.

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  • 2 weeks later...
greenflamingo

Maybe it is a simple matter that you feel guilty that you aren't ecstatic over this "perfect" relationship? Maybe you feel disappointed in yourself because you think you "should" act and feel a certain way? That can cause a lot of anxiety.

This is exactly my experience. It is really upsetting for me to be on a date with a decent guy, and not be able to muster up any excitement/affection/romantic feelings. As the date goes on, I start to feel more and more anxious because I am "supposed" to want to hold hands, kiss etc., and I don't. He is going to expect certain things from me, both physical and emotional things. I don't know what to tell you other than you are not alone. And you can't force yourself to love someone. No matter how wonderful he/she is, if there is no spark, then there is no spark. I agree with Rigg that you should tell her that you really like her, but you are not interested in her in a romantic way. Maybe you can be friends.

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You are facing a problem that we all face, sexual or asexual.

You don't need to give an explanation. Just that it is not working out for you, you can even say that you cannot put a finger on what it is. It is up to you if you add that you want to remain friends or not.

Of course she'll always wonder what went wrong, but you can't explain something you don't know. Eventually she'll move on even with that question on the back of her mind.

While we usually break up with someone because "it is them, not us" there are some situations where it is really "It's not you, it's me". as cheesy as it may seem.

Now, let's say that you really think of it and you find a reason. She can always offer to change that reason in which case you are digging a deeper hole.

And face it, even if you find a "flaw" on her, or make her break up with you, she will still be sad. There is no way out.

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This is going to sound sooo cheesy but maybe you two just arn't meant for each other. Maybe you would rather the relationship be a friendship. I cant think of any reason to not like my best friend, but i could'nt be romantic with him. It would stress me out! Or maybe your a bit bored with the relationship, it happens

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DustyBooks

I'm so not the best person to give any advice on romantic relationships but let's try :)

These might be some of the reasons (it might be I'm just repeating what everyone here have said but...)

1) You're aromantic. You said you've had romantic fantasies and it's okay. Some aros have those, some don't. Some aros want to date, some don't. Some enjoy romantic dates, some never want to have those. I think being aro is about not feeling romantic kind of like and love but you can want to have a romantic relationship. You just don't feel it the way romantic people do. It's confusing and hard to know if you're having a crush or a squish or if you think of someone only as a very close friend or more like someone you love romantically. You might also be somewhere in the aro spec if you're not aromantic. But if you don't feel like you identify yourself as aro there's number two:

2) She's just not someone you like romantically. People don't fall in love with everyone, that's a fact. You might care about her a lot and she might seem like perfect person to you but not like that and that's why it feels wrong. Feelings are weird things and don't work like we want them to work.

3) People also fall off of love and that's a sad truth. Even if you care of your partner it might be that time has made your feelings fade into a close friendship. You might love her but not enough to wanting to continue a relationship anymore.

Well, these are the options I could come up with ^^; Hope I was at least some help for you.

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It's a lie that emotional relationships can only be terminated (or continued) based on logical reasoning. It isn't logic based, after all. Sure, you can be in love with someone and choose to leave the relationship for rational reasons, but you can also just... fall out of love.

"Not feeling it" is a reason. A really really good reason, actually, to not be with someone.

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BlueSpirit

I don't think you need a reason to not want to be with someone. The person could be perfectly lovely, but if you just aren't feeling it, then that's that. That might make the breakup more difficult for the other person, because generally people want to know why, but just be honest & say you don't know why but you just don't want to continue in the relationship. Good luck to you, I hope things workout for you.

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It's a lie that emotional relationships can only be terminated (or continued) based on logical reasoning. It isn't logic based, after all. Sure, you can be in love with someone and choose to leave the relationship for rational reasons, but you can also just... fall out of love.

"Not feeling it" is a reason. A really really good reason, actually, to not be with someone.

While I'd prefer logical reasons (that's just how I tick... I like to understand how things happened, almost to a point of it being a need)...

Yes, any reason is good enough. Having the right and freedom to end a relationship at any time is such a basic necessity for me that I can't imagine a healthy 'ship ever functioning without that fundamental right being in place for everyone involved.

And frankly, "I just don't want to be in this relationship, I constantly feel anxious in it" is a pretty logical reason to end it. Maybe you can't cite the reasons how you arrived at feeling like that... but continuing a 'ship you don't want to be in would be quite illogical... so that'd be more than enough, IMO.

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