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Just realized I am Asexual and I'm so RELIEVED!


Windy Michelle

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Windy Michelle

Hi everyone! I'm new to this community and so grateful to find it. I have spent my entire adult life miserable, trying to make relationships work with sexual men. I've been married once and in a couple serious long term relationships. I have spent the entirety of those relationships stressed out and feeling so guilty because I didn't want to have sex but I loved them and wanted to be happy. I felt it was my duty. The pressure of sex weighed so heavily on me. During my marriage it was so bad that I would put it off as long as I felt I could in good conscious and then when I did do it, it felt like I was being raped. It was horrible. I honestly never knew why though. I thought it was just me. I can't tell you how happy I was to find out that I am not alone! I have been single now for about 6 years. On one hand I'm happier than I have ever been because I don't have that pressure and stress. I turned 40 this year though and the thought of growing old(er) alone does make me kind of sad. Finding this community has given me hope though, that maybe I will find someone who is like me.

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EastCoastGirl

Welcome Windy Michelle!

Congratulations! I too have only recently realized I'm asexual. The AVEN community is such an amazing place for us! Hopefully I'll see you around!

All the best!

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Welcome to AVEN!! I'm glad you found us. I'm sorry you felt pressured to have sex and that it was such a negative experience for you. It's great that you're happier now, though!! I hope you enjoy being a member of this community!!

Delicious-Chocolate-Cake-Served_zpsgi2jl

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radical acceptance

Welcome Windy Michelle

Glad you are here.

I can relate to what you wrote.

Just divorced in Nov 2015 after almost 25 yr marriage.

Wish I knew how to post a piece of cake however I don't.

L

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Hi everyone! I'm new to this community and so grateful to find it. I have spent my entire adult life miserable, trying to make relationships work with sexual men. I've been married once and in a couple serious long term relationships. I have spent the entirety of those relationships stressed out and feeling so guilty because I didn't want to have sex but I loved them and wanted to be happy. I felt it was my duty. The pressure of sex weighed so heavily on me. During my marriage it was so bad that I would put it off as long as I felt I could in good conscious and then when I did do it, it felt like I was being raped. It was horrible. I honestly never knew why though. I thought it was just me. I can't tell you how happy I was to find out that I am not alone! I have been single now for about 6 years. On one hand I'm happier than I have ever been because I don't have that pressure and stress. I turned 40 this year though and the thought of growing old(er) alone does make me kind of sad. Finding this community has given me hope though, that maybe I will find someone who is like me.

That's exactly what it was like for me!! I totally gave up on relationships (despite desiring love and intimacy, just not sex) and decided I just had to be single forever, because yeah I felt exactly the same as you described in relationships, then two years later I discovered asexuality!! I also felt that sense of..total relief. I actually cried I was so relieved.

And yep, relationships with asexuals are *amazing* ..I have reached deeper levels of intimacy with asexuals in intimate relationships, than was *ever* capable for me in sexual relationships (I do understand sex is deeply intimate for many sexual people, it's just.. the opposite for me) .. So yeah, for an asexual, asexual relationships can be deeply rewarding, intimate, pleasurable experiences where you can give and receive all the love and intimacy you could ever want, and there is no expectation of or need for sex, ever. It's amazing :wub:

Also, are you sure you're 40? ahaha you look super young I'm so jealous :lol:

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This is the clip that was my ''introduction'' to asexuality. I had the ''omg I'm asexual'' moment while I was watching it. I relate more to the guy than the girl because I do still get aroused and stuff (I have a libido) I just don't want to have sex, and don't enjoy it when I do have it. Anyway you should watch this clip just because it shows how you can totally have an ace relationship, even if that means you and your partner have to be distant from each other for a time. I think it's better to have that love from a distance than not have it at all, but that's just my opinion ^_^

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Windy Michelle

Welcome Windy Michelle

Glad you are here.

I can relate to what you wrote.

Just divorced in Nov 2015 after almost 25 yr marriage.

Wish I knew how to post a piece of cake however I don't.

L

Thank you! I have no idea either lol

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Windy Michelle

Hi everyone! I'm new to this community and so grateful to find it. I have spent my entire adult life miserable, trying to make relationships work with sexual men. I've been married once and in a couple serious long term relationships. I have spent the entirety of those relationships stressed out and feeling so guilty because I didn't want to have sex but I loved them and wanted to be happy. I felt it was my duty. The pressure of sex weighed so heavily on me. During my marriage it was so bad that I would put it off as long as I felt I could in good conscious and then when I did do it, it felt like I was being raped. It was horrible. I honestly never knew why though. I thought it was just me. I can't tell you how happy I was to find out that I am not alone! I have been single now for about 6 years. On one hand I'm happier than I have ever been because I don't have that pressure and stress. I turned 40 this year though and the thought of growing old(er) alone does make me kind of sad. Finding this community has given me hope though, that maybe I will find someone who is like me.

That's exactly what it was like for me!! I totally gave up on relationships (despite desiring love and intimacy, just not sex) and decided I just had to be single forever, because yeah I felt exactly the same as you described in relationships, then two years later I discovered asexuality!! I also felt that sense of..total relief. I actually cried I was so relieved.

And yep, relationships with asexuals are *amazing* ..I have reached deeper levels of intimacy with asexuals in intimate relationships, than was *ever* capable for me in sexual relationships (I do understand sex is deeply intimate for many sexual people, it's just.. the opposite for me) .. So yeah, for an asexual, asexual relationships can be deeply rewarding, intimate, pleasurable experiences where you can give and receive all the love and intimacy you could ever want, and there is no expectation of or need for sex, ever. It's amazing :wub:

Also, are you sure you're 40? ahaha you look super young I'm so jealous :lol:

It's so awesome to hear that someone else not only gets it but relates. After 40 years I feel a little like how the hell did it take me so long to figure myself out. Now I hope to develop some relationships with other asexuals like you mention. Yes I'm 40 lol thank you so much!

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Windy Michelle

This is the clip that was my ''introduction'' to asexuality. I had the ''omg I'm asexual'' moment while I was watching it. I relate more to the guy than the girl because I do still get aroused and stuff (I have a libido) I just don't want to have sex, and don't enjoy it when I do have it. Anyway you should watch this clip just because it shows how you can totally have an ace relationship, even if that means you and your partner have to be distant from each other for a time. I think it's better to have that love from a distance than not have it at all, but that's just my opinion ^_^

I just watched this and it was awesome. I wish i was that in tune with myself at that age <3

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Windy Michelle welcome to AVEN 🎂 🎂

There are many like minded people around here

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Hi everyone! I'm new to this community and so grateful to find it. I have spent my entire adult life miserable, trying to make relationships work with sexual men. I've been married once and in a couple serious long term relationships. I have spent the entirety of those relationships stressed out and feeling so guilty because I didn't want to have sex but I loved them and wanted to be happy. I felt it was my duty. The pressure of sex weighed so heavily on me. During my marriage it was so bad that I would put it off as long as I felt I could in good conscious and then when I did do it, it felt like I was being raped. It was horrible. I honestly never knew why though. I thought it was just me. I can't tell you how happy I was to find out that I am not alone! I have been single now for about 6 years. On one hand I'm happier than I have ever been because I don't have that pressure and stress. I turned 40 this year though and the thought of growing old(er) alone does make me kind of sad. Finding this community has given me hope though, that maybe I will find someone who is like me.

This is EXACTLY how I felt about sex in my marriage. I didn't know asexuality was a thing, so I thought i was disordered, and totally thought I HAD to have sex. And I'd force myself, when I could (it became harder and harder to force myself over the years). Lately I've come to look at it like self rape almost. Something that was deeply, deeply violating to the core of my being, but I had chosen to do it.

Consent was murky in my marriage. My husband definitely pressured me to have sex and used all forms of manipulation to get me to agree (including getting me drunk, which made me more likely to agree, or, failing that, having sex with me in my sleep). It got to where I hated him and also hated myself. I believed he had the right to do what he was doing because he had no other choice. In fact, I believed my withholding sex was emotionally abusive. And yet, I was so, so angry. I believed sex was compulsory, but I also found it so harmful to me. Such a terrible bind.

Learning about asexuality gave me so much relief. I am so sad for my younger self who didn't know she could have said no to sex. That that was an option.

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Blue Phoenix Ace

Sorry to hear about your painful experiences, but also glad that you understand the truth about yourself. The truth is, you don't have to worry about being alone in life. Even if you can't find a romantic partner on your own terms, you can have a social network. Welcome and enjoy the cake!

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Sorry to hear about your painful experiences, but also glad that you understand the truth about yourself. The truth is, you don't have to worry about being alone in life. Even if you can't find a romantic partner on your own terms, you can have a social network. Welcome and enjoy the cake!

Glad you're here, Windy! This says it all really well. I'm in my early 60s, never married, but was 'adopted' by 3 families along the way and they remain my friends.

Hope you find happiness.

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Welcome, Windy Michelle!

My personal history is different to yours (no marriage, for one thing), but I relate wholeheartedly to the sense of gratitude that you describe! And I also relate to the feelings of relief and sadness for my younger self that realityreflux describes.

I hope you have a great time here, and that you find what you are looking for. :)

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UncommonNonsense

Hi, Windy!

I'm 40 as well.

Even when I was a kid, I knew I didn't want the things that we were told, as girls, that we *had to* want... like marriage, kids, and when I got old enough to learn about it, sex. I went out with guys, but always shut down their sexual advances, so my relationships were very short-lived. I did finally do the deed twice with a guy I'd been dating for about 8 months in university, and it was a horrific, traumatic experience for me. Later, a guy I'd been friends with since grade 4, who I'd had what I thought was a crush on since then (I now know that it was just an intense squish) used coercion and guilt to push me into a sexual situation after dating for only a couple of weeks... I told him no, over and over, and tried to fight him off, but he had me pinned under him and he refused to stop. I eventually froze up and was retreating into the safety of my own mind. Luckily, my parents, who I was living with at the time, arrived home unexpectedly, and he practically leapt off me to avoid getting caught basically committing rape.

After that, I decided that I was never going to allow anyone to put me in that situation ever again. I quit dating. Any time a guy paid me attention, I shut him down.

I suspect that my negative experiences may have contributed to my identifying as aromantic, but I feel like I was asexual from the get-go. Born Ace.

I finally found out about asexuality in my mid-20's. For me it was a sudden 'Oh, *this* is what I am!' moment, then a huge feeling of relief. I'd grasped at some pretty strange straws in my attempts to explain why I didn't experience what everyone else did all through my school years and young adulthood, and I was so glad that I could now quit trying to figure it out, since I now had all the answers I needed. It was the biggest 'Ah-ha!' moment of my life! I'd been somewhat depressed about not feeling what friends seemed to and feeling that I dared not even try to create a relationship due to the worry that I'd be expected to agree to sex. I had really started to wonder if I was somehow broken, a freak, a one-off. Learning that there were others like me caused that worry and depression to lift.

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Mystadrakulon

At 34 I can't tell you what an eye opener learning about asexuality was. I described this to one of my friends as, "It's like I've spent my whole life looking for beef in the produce department and someone finally told me where it really was."

I always thought something was broken in me for getting out of relationships before things could get physical or for choosing LDR instead of finding people nearby. I know I was doing semi-subconsciously to put a barrier in the way of having to deal with eventually getting physical with someone.

I would still love to have a relationship, marriage, family eventually, but until recently I was pretty sure that was all hopeless. Now I have some understanding and some hope!

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  • 5 weeks later...
imnotafreakofnature!

Hi, Windy!

Like you, I'm a newbie to this site, as well as to asexuality. My life experience echoes that of so many others......except that I'm now 52. I can't tell you how badly I wish I'd figured it out sooner! I've always been a cuddlebug, but I never wanted it to go farther than that. I did occasionally experience sexual desire, but it was never for anyone in particular. It was just there, and I was never interested in acting on it. I've also always been romantic (although not so much anymore now that I'm past menopause), and I confused my sexual desire, romantic desires and desire for cuddling and hand-holding with sexual attraction. I think a LOT of people in my generation had that problem. You were either heterosexual (which automatically meant marriage and family), or you were homosexual/lesbian (which was considered taboo, a perversion of the highest order - or lowest order, depending on how you look at it. lol). There weren't any other options, but a woman who wasn't interested in sex was the bane of a man's existence, and she was always blamed as the reason he had affairs.

So I followed the path set out for me by the rest of the world, marrying too young (19) and having kids right away. I always thought my lack of interest in sex was because of the way my husband treated me. He wasn't a bad man, he just never grew up. He wanted all the rights and privileges of marriage and NONE of the responsibilities - liking working to help support the family. We had absolutely no emotional intimacy at all, which was the thing I wanted most. Luckily, that ended after twelve years.

I was single-again for 14 years. I only dated three times during those years, and came to the conclusion that all men are nothing more than oversexed animals who believe the only reason they exist is to get all the sex they can, and they have no use for anyone who doesn't help them reach that goal. Their genitals are the center of their universe, and they always seemed shocked that their genitals weren't the center of mine.

But although I absolutely LOVED not having the pressure of someone else's insatiable sexual demands hanging over my head, I wasn't really happy. I wanted to be loved, I wanted someone to come home to at night who appreciated me, someone to share fun things with and go to the gym with and try new recipes with, and I desperately missed having someone to cuddle with. So I eventually re-married eight years ago.

I honestly believed that sex would be different this time because my current husband treats me like gold, and we actually have the emotional intimacy I craved. But sex got really old really fast, much to his dismay. He's convinced that it's just because of menopause, and that I just need to find the right pill to make me "want to" again and that'll fix the problem. (Why can't HE find a pill that'll make him NOT want to?) He just can't accept that just because I've gone along with it, I've never wanted it. Like sexual people everywhere who can't imagine life without sex and wouldn't want to live if they couldn't get their fill of it on a regular basis, he just simply can't fathom that anyone could possibly just not want sex.

I couldn't help wondering if I was the only person on earth who felt this way, so last month I started doing some research and discovered asexuality. I can't even begin to tell you how relieved and excited I was to find I'm not the freak of nature I've always been made to feel that I am! (Although I'm sure everyone here already knows that feeling.) I tried sharing this site with my husband, but out of all the great information here, the only thing he latched onto and took away from it was the disclaimer that some people are sexually dysfunctional because of medical reasons and should be checked to rule out that possibility. It only strengthened his conviction that my "problem" is hormonal and I need to take something for it. All the rest of it was meaningless to him, so I don't talk to him about it anymore.

So that's where I am now. An asexual just discovering asexuality, married to a man I love dearly and have a good relationship with, but whose sexual needs are becoming more and more difficult to meet because I have to continually take part in something I don't want to take part in. Sex is the only thing we ever fight about. We don't even fight about money. Just sex.

So welcome to both of us! :)

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Skycaptain

imnotafreakofnature! Welcome to AVEN 🎂 🎂

The land of like minded individuals here to help each other, make friends and have fun

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imnotafreakofnature!

Thank you, Skycaptain!

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Blackthorn

I am nearly 40 and have just found out about asexuality. It is a great relief to find out I can be part of a community of people who understand.

Except for one short-lived and unsuccessful relationship I have always been single and am happy that way. I accepted a few years ago now that this is how I am. This site has made me realise I no longer need to feel ashamed of it!

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Telecaster68

I'mnotafreak -

Just thought I'd chime in as I'm a somewhat similar position to your husband, though I guess a bit further down the road. Ultimately he's going to have to get his head round your needs, but for a sexual person, hearing their partner never wants to have sex again, even if it has nothing to do with your feelings for him - is the start of a grieving process. A big, and for us, fundamental part of the relationship is over, and past experiences with it have to be fundamentally re-evaluated. The nearest parallel I can think of is if he'd said 'sorry, I just don't want to talk to you ever again. I never really liked it, and I just can't bear to ever have a conversation again. Also, you're not to talk to anyone else while you're with me'. Or maybe if he'd just told you he was gay. It really is that big.It's not just the physical act, it's the intimacy that - again for sexuals - only happens in lovemaking that's gone. He's also almost certainly feeling guilty about all the times you felt bad because you felt you had to acquiesce to his needs.

I went through the 'it's hormones and menopause' thing too (and for many menopausal women, that is in fact the case. There's a story in the UK Guardian newspaper today about how menopause can work the other way too); in terms of grieving, it's part of the bargaining stage. He sounds like he loves you and eventually he'll get past it, hopefully, although that'll still leave the 'no sex ever again' issue. I'm sure he doesn't see you merely sexually - you sound like you're working together on it, rather than him just saying 'No sex? I'm off' - and you can both work on it from that angle.

Obviously, you're not broken, and you are who you are, and shouldn't feel pressured to do anything you don't want to. But it's a major tectonic shift in the relationship, and it's going to take some time for him to get his head round.

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imnotafreakofnature!

Hi, Telecaster68,

I really appreciate your input. It helps me understand his perspective better. I have tried to put myself in his shoes and understand what this must be like for him, and I know it can't be easy. And we aren't completely sex-free at this point. We're down to once a week now - too much for me and not enough for him, even though that's all he's capable of. My husband has E.D. and the pills don't work for him anymore. While he can't get an erection anymore, he is still capable of having an orgasm, but it can take anywhere from 20-60 minutes. That's not fun for me at all, but I understand he has his needs and I do the best I can for him. Yes, I feel like it's a duty, and he doesn't want me to feel that way, but that's the way it is. It's what I signed up for when we got married. Numerous times already, we've had that conversation of, "Just because I don't want sex doesn't mean I don't love you. The only reason I'm still doing this even once a week is because I do love you." Because to a sexual person, sex and love really are pretty much the same thing (although everyone is capable of having sex with someone they don't care about at all). I think he's finally starting to understand that.

One of the things that really angers me, though, is that he isn't satisfied unless he gives me an orgasm, too. I do what I can for him because I love him and want him to be happy, but he's not happy unless he does something to me that I don't want or need. THAT'S the hardest part for me. That's the part I hate most of all, and I just can't "put on a happy face" and pretend that it's okay when it's not. That's the part that has me wondering every week how much longer I'll be able to tolerate trying to satisfy his needs and if it's really worth it. I really do love him and we have a good relationship except for the sex part - and I know he loves me and would be devastated if we were to split up - but I just don't know how much more I can take. I've tried talking to him about it, but he just doesn't get it and doesn't seem capable of enjoying what I do for him unless I also "share my body with him." And I don't understand THAT. Do you have any advice on that score?

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imnotafreakofnature!

PS - Just as a side note, we're both cuddlebugs and are good at satisfying each other's needs in that regard: cuddling in bed at night, holding hands, hugging, kissing and blowing each other kisses when one of us leaves. Sometimes I'll walk up behind him, put my arms around his waist and kiss his back, and we rub each other's feet with lotion, etc. We're both good at things like that, and we both enjoy it.

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Qutenkuddly

Welcome to all the new folk!

When I read the comment section on articles about asexuality (don't do it unless you have a thick skin), I often see people flippantly ask questions along the lines of "Why do we need to know about this?"

Stories like these ones are the answer to those questions; with a lack awareness, many asexuals wind up discovering this about themselves late into their lives, usually after many heartbreaks (I've been there). I've heard the sentiment "I wish I'd figured this out sooner," time and time again (even before I became the Oldies mod).

As such, thank you for sharing these stories; they not only help those in similar situations, but, in highlighting one of the important needs for generating awareness of asexuality, help the community as a whole.

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Telecaster68

And we aren't completely sex-free at this point. We're down to once a week now

We're on once a month, and that's up from what it was before. Don't beat yourself up about it too much.

I feel like it's a duty, and he doesn't want me to feel that way, but that's the way it is. It's what I signed up for when we got married.

There's a lot of people on AVEN who would say you didn't actually sign up for it. I tend to agree with you though - married people having sex as part of that relationship just is part of the norm, and what most people expect will happen. Of course you're entitled to say 'no' but expect your partner to experience it as imposing a fundamental re-negotiation of the deal. Doesn't mean he won't be sympathetic and supportive, but it will be disempowering for him, inevitably.

Numerous times already, we've had that conversation of, "Just because I don't want sex doesn't mean I don't love you. The only reason I'm still doing this even once a week is because I do love you."

We (IE sexuals) get that, rationally at least. Emotionally, it's another story. Our instinctive reaction is 'but part of loving your spouse is wanting to have sex with them', so... doesn't compute. We can see how it works logically, but almost certainly we've never come across anything like it before. And normally, one partner not wanting to have sex is a bellweather for something deeper wrong in the relationship, or health concerns, and the whole blanket 'I don't want sex' thing seem weirder than either of those - so it seems more likely that whatever you're saying, you're either confused or trying to paper over no longer being in love, or a health problem. Plus, if it is one of those, eventually we'll probably want to have sex again, so it's a hope to cling to. I'm sure you've been through all this, but it's still worth saying.

Because to a sexual person, sex and love really are pretty much the same thing

It's more complicated than that. It's more like that sex (quite apart from the physical pleasure) is an intimate, passionate way like no other of sharing mutual love. We tend to suspect that if our partners don't want to have sex they don't have that feeling of intimacy and passion, because again, for relationships that don't involve an asexual, that's pretty much always the case. For asexuals though, you do feel it, you just don't want to share it that way.

(although everyone is capable of having sex with someone they don't care about at all).

Yes, that's when it's mostly for the physical pleasure, although there can be some level of human-to-human closeness, or fun, or whatever involved too.

One of the things that really angers me, though, is that he isn't satisfied unless he gives me an orgasm, too.

He's going to have to get over that, and it's difficult. Partly I think that a lot of ego is bound up in being able to satisfy their partner and it's deeply pleasurable to make someone you love feel that good; partly because it's irrefutable evidence that you've agreed to do something you're not particularly enjoying. From my experience, your half of that deal isn't so much putting on a happy face as seeing if you can find something in the experience you can enjoy, a least a little - the sensual pleasure, the closeness, your pleasure in his pleasure, so you're not actually emanating waves of resentment. (I'm sure you're not, but it can get like that).

he just doesn't get it and doesn't seem capable of enjoying what I do for him unless I also "share my body with him." And I don't understand THAT. Do you have any advice on that score?

It sounds like you are sharing your body with him as much as you're able so the onus is on him to find a way to live with it. You're just not wired to give very much in physical terms, compared to a sexual. You can only do what you can do. It's one of those things that's simple but not easy...

From what you've said, he's probably struggling with the whole ED stuff as well, although that could be some kind of emotional reaction to the whole issue. Lack of confidence, general stress round the whole area of sex, his body getting its rejection in first so he doesn't have to deal with yours (I'm being a bit blunt, but I hope you know what I mean). Or it might be something completely unrelated.

You mentioned more general physical affection, and that's great. The other thing that may be going through his head (projection here, I admit), is 'she just finds me repellent and doesn't want me touching her. She'd be fine with someone else', so showing you're not repelled is going to help lots. And lots and lots of talking too.

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imnotafreakofnature!

Actually, his E.D. had already started before we ever got together. He's also diabetic. I don't know if that was the original cause of ED or if it just exacerbated it, but he was already dealing with it when we started seeing each other. He took pills for it for a while, but one of the things they don't tell you on all those commercials with all those smiling couples is that the pills usually only only work for a couple of years. He's certainly not happy about his diminishing ability, but he's accepted that that's just the way it is, and is determined to get as much mileage as he can out of what ability he has left.

Anyway, thank you again for sharing your perspective. I really do appreciate your help. :)

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  • 8 months later...
straightouttamordor

It is a relief to know there are others just like you. And to communicate with them. Glad to have found this site. 

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On 3/31/2016 at 6:37 PM, Windy Michelle said:

Hi everyone! I'm new to this community and so grateful to find it. I have spent my entire adult life miserable, trying to make relationships work with sexual men. I've been married once and in a couple serious long term relationships. I have spent the entirety of those relationships stressed out and feeling so guilty because I didn't want to have sex but I loved them and wanted to be happy. I felt it was my duty. The pressure of sex weighed so heavily on me. During my marriage it was so bad that I would put it off as long as I felt I could in good conscious and then when I did do it, it felt like I was being raped. It was horrible. I honestly never knew why though. I thought it was just me. I can't tell you how happy I was to find out that I am not alone! I have been single now for about 6 years. On one hand I'm happier than I have ever been because I don't have that pressure and stress. I turned 40 this year though and the thought of growing old(er) alone does make me kind of sad. Finding this community has given me hope though, that maybe I will find someone who is like me.

Glad you found this site.

 

You are not alone.

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On 5/8/2016 at 9:53 AM, imnotafreakofnature! said:

My husband has E.D. and the pills don't work for him anymore. While he can't get an erection anymore, he is still capable of having an orgasm, but it can take anywhere from 20-60 minutes. That's not fun for me at all

Hmmm! 

 

I have friends whose husbands have ED.  Because of the reason you described, they too have become very turned off about sex. 

 

The fact that it takes their husbands' so long to orgasm turns any sexual acts into a chore, and also makes them feel less attractive.

 

 

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