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How to keep a significant other who is sexual?


Dugy

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So, how do you form a long-lasting relationship with anyone without the sex thing becoming a major issue?


I'm a 35 year old hetero-asexual and so far I have not been able to have a meaningful relationship on account of being disinterested in sex (there was one exception, a relationship that lasted for some time, but it got broken for the same reason - the other person being sexual).. The irony is, I'm a good looking guy with a successful career and women are attracted to me. It is just like a curse - every time I meet someone I really like, she quits the relationship in an early phase after realizing my general disinterest in sex.


I'm at the point of my life where I would like to settle down, perhaps marry.... I'd even have marital sex for the purposes of bonding and procreation.


So, how to find and keep someone in this situation? I'd be thankful for any advice.
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Yah, it's a deal breaker for alot of sexual people (i.e. no sex or no sexual reciprocation). Really, there is nothing you can do about it; if those things are a deal breaker for those people then they're a deal breaker. There are asexual dating sites, asexual meetups scheduled on and off of AVEN, and a minority of sexual people are ok with a sexless relationship.

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The irony is, I'm a good looking guy with a successful career and women are attracted to me.

Yes, that's not going to help you. If they're interested in you because they find you attractive, most of the time they'll desire sexual fulfillment out of you, which you can not give. I believe it is better to find someone who primarily cares about your personality and a strong emotional bond, and who would see sex with you as secondary. Poly might also make it easier to create a situation where both parties are happy, but only if that's something you can do.

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The irony is, I'm a good looking guy with a successful career and women are attracted to me.

Yes, that's not going to help you. If they're interested in you because they find you attractive, most of the time they'll desire sexual fulfillment out of you, which you can not give.

Yeah, I am aware of that. Just last month I was in such situation... A woman (actually, a girl 10 years younger than me) "chased" me. We started dating and I have gotten to really like her for who she is... However, I had absolutely no sexual desire towards her (as I do not have in general). One one occasion, she arrived to my apartment and I avoided to initiate the sex. And of course, it all went downhill from that point on...

So, another issue arises from situations like this...

How do I stop blaming myself and stop feeling unworthy and inadequate? Because, even though on a rational level I accept my asexuality, on a deeper level I am starting to resent myself (it is hard not to after getting the feedback that contains solely disappointment)...

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Telecaster68

The only way to avoid that and hold out some hope of a relationship is to make clear early on that you're not looking for a sexual relationship, ever, with anyone, and see if they're still interested. I guess some women may see this as a challenge, and there's not much you can do about that. But since most dating does imply both sides might, at some point, be interested in sex, you're going to have to stamp on that early on. At least the disappointment will be less from the other person, the earlier it's done.

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nanogretchen4

Dugy, I notice that there seem to be more asexual women seeking men than asexual men seeking women. I think if you were to focus on dating within the asexual community the numbers might be in your favor.

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Yeah, I am aware of that. Just last month I was in such situation... A woman (actually, a girl 10 years younger than me) "chased" me. We started dating and I have gotten to really like her for who she is... However, I had absolutely no sexual desire towards her (as I do not have in general). One one occasion, she arrived to my apartment and I avoided to initiate the sex. And of course, it all went downhill from that point on...

So, another issue arises from situations like this...

How do I stop blaming myself and stop feeling unworthy and inadequate? Because, even though on a rational level I accept my asexuality, on a deeper level I am starting to resent myself (it is hard not to after getting the feedback that contains solely disappointment)...

You get rejected because you didn't want to give the sex? There's exactly one person responsible for that, and it's not you. Seek the person who accepts you as you are, settle for no less. Those who fail to do so, do not deserve your resenting yourself over their choices.

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nanogretchen4

Honestly, it makes zero sense to blame the women for being sexual. It's as if a gay man were to avoid all gay meeting places and instead hit on random men, then be crushed when the great majority of them turned out to be straight. Women with a compatible orientation exist but are a small enough minority that it's necessary to actively seek them out.

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  • 1 year later...

I'm sorry to hear that your feeling resentful towards yourself. Although you shouldn't feel that if you didn't want to have sex then she should have sat down and talked to you about it. In some relationships they can establish boundaries or the future. If she or any other girl wasn't reasonable enough to have that conversation. They should be resent themselves not you. If they wants to drop over sex then that's  their problem. 

On 3/24/2016 at 8:49 AM, nanogretchen4 said:

 

Dugy, I notice that there seem to be more asexual women seeking men than asexual men seeking women. I think if you were to focus on dating within the asexual community the numbers might be in your favor.

 

 This very true so if you want to try in this community. Since many of us would have a conversation the same that you said about procreate or bond. But if you continue with sexual women then sit and talk to them about the future and asexuality. Of course do it before the first date. Sometimes they could compromise.

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