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Possibly asexual, intermittent gender dysphoria, & undecided gender identity


PhoenixButterfly

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PhoenixButterfly

I hope it's okay for me to copy some text from my posts from my Welcome Lounge topic. I don't want to have to retype my backstory.

Hi. My name is Jessie, but you can call me Jess if you want. I'm 27 and I'm not sure if I'm asexual or not. I found this website last night after I read an HRC article that mentioned LGBTQIA. I had never seen the A tagged on to the end before, so I googled what it meant. After I googled LGBTQIAP (because it was a Google suggestion), I came across a forum on here about it. After reading the thread, I read the FAQs and was very enlightened. I didn't really know what asexuality was until I found this site. I've never been in a non-platonic relationship before, but I've always thought of myself as a very sexual person. I've tried dating websites, but I've never actually been on a date before. I know I want to be in serious relationship someday and make an emotional connection with someone. I'm just not sure how to meet new people.

About two years ago, I started keeping a private journal. It's been very cathartic and self-enlightening. But it's not enough. I think I need to talk to people about my feelings more.

About a year ago, I came out to my gay cousin as not being heterosexual. I told him at the time that I'm not sure what I am, but that I know I'm attracted to women. It wasn't until a few months ago that I realized that I'm a heterosexual demiguy. It's the best way to describe my feelings. I came across a website called nonbinary.org that talked about demigenders. In case you don't know what it is, a demiguy is someone who only partly identifies as male and sometimes as agender. In my case, I was born female, but I partly identify as male and sometimes agender. And, like I said before, I'm attracted to women. I guess I thought I was normal when I was in school. I don't remember if I had a crush on anyone. I tried to focus on my schoolwork and didn't make time for relationships. I did get asked out by two different guys in high school, but I turned them both down. At the time, I thought it was because I wanted to focus on school. But now I wonder if maybe I just wasn't interested in guys. I guess I've been in denial for most of my life. After high school, I started to realize how everyone else saw me. They saw me as a heterosexual female. And my inner feelings made me feel like a freak.

I've only shared my feelings with my cousin and my two best friends. I haven't told them yet that I'm a demiguy, but I told them that I sometimes feel transgender. They were okay with that, so I know they'll be okay when I tell them that I'm a demiguy. I'm just not sure that they will fully understand. I came out to my mom a few months ago, but I didn't tell her about my demigender feelings. I just wrote her a letter explaining that I'm attracted to women and that I'm not feminine. She sent me text that she's okay with it, but that it will take some getting used to. We have talked about it since, but at least now she knows. I plan on telling my brothers soon too, but I'm not sure how they will take it. I know my dad will eventually find out someday, but I can't tell him. He talked about it once and said that he tolerates homosexuality, but doesn't accept it. It was shortly after I heard this that I came out to my best friends because I was so upset about what he said.

I forgot to mention that I do remember fantasizing about a female friend a few years after I last saw her. I've been friends with some of my classmates on Facebook since just after high school was over, but I rarely talk to any of them. I don't know if I had a crush on her or if I was just missing her.

Also, my first female celebrity crushes were Cameron Diaz and Lucy Liu when I first saw Charlie's Angels on TV when I was about 14. I think I was a little too young to watch it when it came out in 2000. My parents were real sticklers about movie ratings.

And maybe I am asexual. Honestly, I've never considered that because until I came to this site, I didn't know what asexuality was. I know I want to be in a romantic relationship with a woman. I'm just not sure if I'd like a physical relationship. I guess it's mostly curiosity. I've never even been kissed. I'm kind of embarrassed to admit it, but it's true. I know it's kind of hard to believe because I'm 27. To be honest, I thought I would have at least been kissed by now. I guess I'm just really lonely and want to find love. What can I say? I guess I'm just a hopeless romantic. I want that fairytale ending like you see in the movies. I know love isn't really like that. Even the happiest couple argues sometimes. I just want someone I can talk about anything with and hang out with and maybe cuddle with.

I used to fantasize all the time, but not as much now. Maybe it's because I've come out to a few people in my life, so I feel more comfortable being myself. Or maybe it's because I've lost a lot of weight over the last 20 months. I was about 75 lbs overweight 2 years ago. Losing weight has really boosted my confidence and self-esteem. Also, it gave me an excuse to pick out some new clothes. I didn't think I cared about clothes before, so I just wore whatever my mom picked out and bought for me. Now, I mostly wear men's clothing. Although, I've never felt comfortable in a dress or skirt. And I started getting my hair cut shorter and shorter. It's almost the way I want it. The problem is my old hairstylist used to cut my hair like I'm a girl. I tried to go for about the same haircut when I had to get a new hairstylist after I moved here. It's not quite what I wanted, but I think I know how I want my hair parted and cut for next time.

Also, reading some of the topics on the Gender Discussions section helped me remember that I sometimes experience gender dysphoria. It doesn't happen all the time, but it does depress me when it does happen. Ever since I lost all that excess weight, my body doesn't bother me nearly as much as it used to. I don't think I could ever go through with surgery. Though, that's not to say that the thought hadn't crossed my mind a few times. I just don't think surgery is right for me. After watching The L Word, I realized that there are other ways to transition. I've thought about trying those out, but I'm not sure how to go about it. I still live with my parents, so I hardly ever have alone time. And I don't have a job yet to pay for it. And I don't know how to drive because I'm scared that I wouldn't be a good driver. So, I can't just go to a store to buy it. I've thought about using gift card money to buy it online, but I'm worried they would find the package or find it in my room later. I guess it will just have to wait until I move out someday. Maybe once I have a girlfriend.

I know it's a lot to read. And there's probably something I forgot to mention in the other topic, so I might add to it here later. I guess I just want to talk about my feelings with anyone who will listen. Thanks for listening.

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LadyErzsebet

Welcome to AVEN! :cake: The gender forum is a fun place to hang around and talk to other people about gender stuff. :D

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Welcome to AVEN and the gender forum! :cake:

I don't know what else to say in response to your post except welcome, and that when you order gender presentation products online, they tend to come in very discrete packaging. Both of my binders came in a plain white package, with some name of a company on the return address that is not at ALL obviously a binder company. I think one came from "Simple Solutions" and another from "T-Kingdom", which are both pretty generic. Heck, I knew I had ordered a binder, and I didn't recognise the package until I opened it up!

Also, binders when thrown on the floor with all the rest of my clothes (yeah.... I'm not always the neatest person on the planet :P ) look just like sports bras. I get the ones that only cover the chest; if you get the full-length ones, they can look like tank tops. It's not like they have the word "BINDER" written in huge letters on them, so I think they would be fine in the passing gaze of your parents if they came into your room.

Packing is a whole new deal, and they do often look very realistic (like penises, and that's hard to disguise if someone were to accidentally find one, unless you're willing to pretend they're a sex toy or something).

Anywho, welcome! Let us know if you have any other questions :)

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Wallflowerbaby13

Hi! Great to meet you! I feel like we have a lot in common! I am almost 25, just found out about Asexuality last year, live with my parent, and I also don't know how to drive. I have also never been kissed or been on an actual date, but I have never been embarrassed about this fact. More like proud(weird rt?!) which I believe is because I am aromantic. I identify as non-binary, genderqueer, and Maverique. Even if you are not sure (you only just found this site!) this is a great place to hang out and explore! I hope you find answers and a great support network here! Welcome!

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PhoenixButterfly

Thanks for the warm welcomes. I feel more at home here than I do in my actual home. Is that odd? I guess maybe other people feel the same way. Sometimes when I'm around other people, especially family, I feel like an alien.

I have thought about ordering from Amazon, but I wouldn't know which brand or style to go with. Also, I think maybe if I ordered a book or something with it, then I could just say it's a book. I rarely get the mail from the mailbox myself unless I'm expecting a package in the mail. Usually, it's a video game, but sometimes I order a book if it's only available in paperback. I've only ordered one video game since I moved here and my mom brought me the package. Also, my mom still buys all my clothes for me, so she might get suspicious if she found a binder in my bra drawer. She'd probably ask why I bought a "sports bra" online without telling her, since she's been buying newer smaller bras for me now that I've lost so much weight. I do like having a smaller bust size, but some days it still bothers me, especially when I look in the mirror. A binder would help with that I guess, but I don't know when I would get a chance to wear it. My mom is between jobs right now because she had to quit her old job when we moved. And my dad is usually on the road a lot for his job, but he might be getting the same kind of job with a different company very soon. He wants to be home more often. And with this new job, he would be home about 1 day each week, instead of 1 to 2 weeks every 6 to 8 weeks. We moved here so that we could all be closer to my brothers, sisters-in-law, and nephews. My parents are grandparents now, so I understand them wanting to be home more to spend time with their grandsons. But, even if I got a binder, I would only be able to wear it when they're both out of the house. But maybe it would be a good start. I just don't know where I would hide it. And I would trying "packing" as you called it, but my mom would freak if she found something like that in my room. It might just be easier to try those things once I'm in my own place, hopefully with a future girlfriend.

I mean, I love my parents and I like them most of the time, but sometimes they drive me crazy. They fight from time to time. Sometimes, I'm surprised that they're still together. I think it's mostly because my dad believes in that whole "till death do us part" thing. He's totally against divorce, which I guess makes sense because his parents got divorced twice when he was a kid. And it's not just their fighting that drives me crazy. I feel like I might be getting a little too personal here, but I'm going to say it anyway. Whenever they close their bedroom door, I know it's because they're about to have sex. And it disgusts me. Honestly, I think it's the only time that I'm disgusted by sex. And it's because it's my parents. If I'm within earshot, I can hear him make noises. It's so gross! Even when I'm in the other end of the house, when I hear that door close, I know what they're doing in there. Ugh! Just thinking about it makes me want to move out right now. I've never told anyone that before. I told my friends and my parents that I want to move out soon because I don't want to be living with my parents for the rest of my life. My parents actually said they would be okay with me living with them forever. Well, I'm not okay with that.

On another note, I was waiting until my dad went back to work before I come out to my brothers and sisters-in-law. But I still haven't been able to say it aloud. I don't want to say that I'm gay or a lesbian because it doesn't feel that way to me. When I came out to my cousin about a year ago, it was via email. I still feel like a coward for not being able to talk about it with him in person. When I came out to my two best friends last May, they had to play "twenty questions" to drag it out of me. I just lost control of my emotions and started nodding my head yes, when she finally got to the question, "Do you like the ladies?" Once I got all the tears out and calmed down a bit, we were able to talk about it. I knew they would be okay with it, though, because she has a lesbian friend and he has a transgender friend. But never once did I actually say that I'm attracted to women and that I feel transgender sometimes. When she asked me if I felt that I was transgender, I just said, "Sometimes, but not always." I'm still not sure how to describe my feelings in words sometimes. And when I told my mom, I wrote her a letter when she was out of the house and then hid it until bedtime and put it on the kitchen counter where I knew she would find it the next morning. I know I should really talk about all this aloud with someone, but I just can't seem to say the words. Maybe it's because I was in denial and hid in the "closet" for so long. Some days, I still struggle with accepting myself for who I am. I know there's nothing wrong with me, but it's just so hard.

Anyway, I was wondering if anyone could give me advice on how I should come out to my brothers and sisters-in-law. I had thought about getting us all together for dinner and telling them in person. But I just don't think I have enough confidence to do that. I know that one of my sisters-in-law is pro-LGBT because she put the rainbow pride filter on her profile photo on Facebook after Marriage Equality became law last summer. But I'm unsure about how the other three will react. I feel like I don't know my brothers at all. I'm the youngest sibling, so they both moved out when I was a young teenager. And before that, they spent most of their time cooped up in their rooms playing computer games. So I don't know much about them. Also, my other sister-in-law is a Turkish Muslim. I know not all Muslims are anti-gay, but I'm a little worried. Although, she herself doesn't seem to be very religious, her mother is obviously very devout. So, maybe she was brought up to believe that being gay is a sin or maybe she's accepting. I just don't know her that well. I didn't even meet her until my brother's wedding day. They had short engagement and I lived on the other side of the country from them until recently. Anyway, I was thinking it might just be better to send an email to my other sister-in-law and come out to her first and ask her how I should tell them. I think she'll be accepting and understanding. What do you think?

And I saw a beautiful young woman when I went to see a movie earlier today. I'm too shy to talk to complete strangers in person, though. Plus, I was there with my parents, so I couldn't exactly flirt with her. I don't think I even know how to flirt. Besides, she was probably straight and/or in a serious relationship. It's so hard to meet anyone. I've tried online dating, but I haven't gotten very far with it. Maybe I'm just too impatient. Does anyone have any dating advice? I just don't know how to start dating, I guess.

Sorry if I rambled on again. I just have a lot on my mind still and it really helps to talk about it. Otherwise, I might be awake half the night just trying to think of what to say here next time. Anyway, it's getting kind of late here, so good night.

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LadyErzsebet

Well, it sounds like you're figuring a bunch of stuff out right now, which is stressful sometimes but also excellent. :cake: As a college student, I can buy my own clothes and my parents don't have to know (although I'm out to them now and they know that I wear a binder). With regards to packing, if you aren't using a packer, its actually super easy to hide because you can just use a sock. No one suspects a sock! :P

I don't really have coming out advice, because my family is SUPER pro LGBTQ+. My little sister is grey-aromantic and asexual and her friend who lived with us for a while is a queer trans girl so everyone is super accepting.

I can't help with flirting--I have no idea how to do that myself! I think it just takes time and practice and confidence but that's super hard right?

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Writing letters to people to come out is a great idea! It's actually one of the things I always suggest when people express anxiety over it. You can write a letter and invite everyone over for dinner, then read it out to them if you like (sometimes that helps if you think you may just not be able to speak the words). Or, you can send the letter in an email to everyone, and invite them over for dinner a few days or a week later, after they've had some time to digest it. Honestly, there is no "bad" way to come out of the closet. Whatever makes you most comfortable is the way to go. You should never feel ashamed that you came out by nodding or by writing a letter. You are the important one in this conversation, you have to be comfortable. So, take your time and be honest, and do it your way.

As for your sister-in-law that's Muslim. You're right, not all Muslims are anti-LGBT, just like not all Crhistians are, or not all people of any denomination, so there's hope. Also, I don't know if your brother is Muslim too, but if she's married to someone outside of her faith, then odds are she is more liberal than average and your chances of getting acceptance go up. Again, do what makes you comfortable. And always remember; you can come out on your own terms. That means you can come out however you like, but also whenever you like. There's no time limit, so if you want to take your time, do so.

My only other suggestion for coming out is to be honest. If someone asks you if you're trans, and you don't know, then it's ok to say that you don't know or that sometimes you feel so and sometimes not. Figuring yourself out takes time. Few people "just know" instantaneously, so it's ok to admit to your family that you're still figuring things out.

And, finally, when it comes to dating, yes. It just takes a long time. Few people are lucky enough to find their soul-mate(s) right away on the first try; for most people, this involves years of dating, of dry spells where there's no one to date, and possibly a few heart breaks in there. It's a journey. You have a lifetime, so be patient. Like everything else in life, having one or more soul mates is hard work; both to find them and to keep them. Don't feel bad that nothing's happening right away :cake:

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PhoenixButterfly

Yeah, I'm kind of regretting not going to college now, but not really for the educational part so much. For me, it's more about meeting new people and dating and being more independent and finding myself. I've only been seriously questioning my gender identity for about two years now. Before then, I didn't really think about it much and I was totally oblivious about my gender identity because I have Asperger's Syndrome. I guess it's never too late for college. But I don't want to go to a class where I have to write an essay, even if it's for a midterm or final exam. I'm a good writer, I guess, but I'm not good at composing and putting my thoughts together well. I don't know. Maybe I could go to college. It's just so expensive.

And I had thought about using a sock, but I wasn't sure how to configure it and how many socks to use. I wear shorter socks than I used to, so they're smaller than normal socks. I remember a scene from the movie She's the Man, which was based on Shakespeare's Twelfth Night. It's about a young woman who gets accepted into a college by pretending to be her brother on the soccer scholarship application. When she gets accepted, she decides to disguise herself as a man. To do this, she flattens her chest and stuffs a balled up pair of socks in her shorts. It's not actually a movie about a transgender person, but I guess it shows that even a cisgender woman can convincingly pass for a man if she tries hard enough. Anyway, when you mentioned using a sock, it reminded me of that scene. Maybe I'll try using a sock, after I order a binder. But I think I'll wait until I'm home alone to try them out. I don't think my dogs and cat will care or even notice really. That's one of the things I love about animals. They don't judge you for being yourself. They love you for you. That being said, they can also sense fear, anger, sorrow, etc. They can tell when you need to be comforted too.

You're right. I shouldn't feel bad about coming out the way I want to. I guess it just seemed cowardly to me because I still haven't been able to say any of it aloud to anyone. I tried recording myself coming out once, when I was alone, just to see how I would look and sound. Of course, after watching it a couple of times, I deleted it. It felt strange. I guess I don't have to talk about it aloud until I'm ready. I'm just not sure when that will be. I think once my dad is out of town again and my mom is out of the house for a little while, I can take my time and compose an eloquent email to my sister-in-law. I think I'll ask her how she thinks they'll take the news. Then I'll write my brothers a group email to tell them, I think, and invite all of them over for dinner sometime. I guess I should find out my other sister-in-law's email, if I decide to tell her too. I'm just not sure I feel comfortable talking about aloud yet. I guess I'm just scared of what I'll say and how they'll react. It still doesn't feel real sometimes that four people in my life know that I'm attracted to women. I guess I still feel a little bit like if I say it aloud, then it'll feel like I'm confessing to something I did wrong. I know it's not wrong for me to feel the way I feel about women and the gender I identify as, but I guess I've just hidden it from the world for too long.

And my brother was supposed to be studying to convert to Islam during their engagement, but I don't know if he fully converted. They never really talk about Islam. But they do celebrate Ramadan. And they don't eat pork or gelatin or drink alcohol. Other than the dietary aspect of Islam, they don't seem to be religious. I've never asked about what they believe, so I don't know how religious they are.

And when it comes to dating, I know it takes a long time, but I've never actually been on a date. And it drives me crazy sometimes. I've never tried to be romantic with anyone at all, but I really want to. You know that saying that goes, "It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all." That's how I feel. I feel like maybe I'll never meet anyone. I'm just so lonely sometimes that it makes me cry. Just thinking about it is making me cry right now. I feel like I'm always going to be alone. I just don't know what to do. I want to meet new people, but I hardly ever go anywhere. And since I don't know how to drive, I have to rely on my parents to take me where I need or want to go. I've never really been out in public on my own.

Thanks for all the advice. You've given me a lot to think about. It's late now, so I should probably try to get some sleep now. Maybe we can talk some more tomorrow.

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PhoenixButterfly

Well, even though nobody's responded yet, I'm going to post again. I've got more to say. Sorry if it's TMI. I could probably never talk about this aloud with anyone.

I've been thinking more about me possibly being asexual. I mean, I like watching sex scenes in TV shows and movies and reading about it in books. And I'm easily sexually aroused by that. Can a person be curious about sex and aroused by it and still be asexual? I guess I should read some of the General FAQs again. I haven't read them all yet. And I like to masturbate after I get sexually aroused. But I'm not sure if I could ever have sex with anyone. Whenever I fantasize, it's like I'm watching someone else. I've tried to fantasize in first person point of view, but it's kind of hard to imagine myself having sex with someone. I always just assumed that was because I've never had sex.

So, I'm thinking maybe I'm a heteroromantic asexual demiguy/demifluid person. But lately I've been wondering if I'm attracted to all women or just a certain type. I'm on a dating site where I can look at the profile photos of matches in my area and decide whether or not I would want to meet them someday. And I've noticed that I tend to be most attracted to women who have more of an androgynous look rather than feminine women. Is it possible that I'm more attracted to androgynous women? And what would that make me? Lately, I wonder if I would rather date someone more like myself, an AFAB who identifies as partly male and maybe agender. I guess if that's the case, then I'd be a homoromantic asexual demiguy/demifluid person. No wonder I'm still figuring things out. There are so many different possibilities for me to consider. I hope I can find the right person for me someday. But, honestly, right now I'd settle for just dating a woman. The hard part is finding a woman who would go out on a date with someone like me. I mean, I would think that heteroromantic women would want to date asexual cisgender men or possibly asexual transmen. And asexual lesbians would probably rather date other asexual lesbians. Maybe I could find a biromantic or panromantic asexual woman who would consider dating me. I might even be open to the idea of kissing or making out occasionally once I get to know the person well enough. I'm not sure how I feel about having sex with someone, though. I'm starting to think I might not like it.

Also, I have Asperger's, so I've been wondering if I'd be happiest with another asexual person who has Asperger's. Then we could hang out and talk and play video games and be asocial together. And maybe cuddle sometimes too. I guess what I'm mostly looking for in a relationship is someone who loves and cares about me as much as I love and care about them.

Well, it's getting late and I've been unsuccessful in trying to go to sleep at a decent time since I joined this site. I guess I shouldn't post after midnight since I have to be up at certain time to feed my animals every morning. Anyway, good night.

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There are a lot of questions there, and I don't know if I have answers to all of them, but I'll put down my thoughts and just hope it helps somewhat ^_^

Yes, you can still get sexually aroused to the image of sexual acts, and to masturbate when you're aroused, and still be asexual. If my memory serves, the majority of aces (according to informal polls in the census forum, so not scientific at all, but it's all we've got) masturbate and/or have a libido of some sort. There are still aces who do not experience a libido (ie a desire for sexual release, either in the form of masturbation or partnered sex acts) or masturbate too, but that's not at all necessary for asexuality! It seems like it's common among the aces that masturbate to either have fantasies of other people having sex (the third-person perspective you're describing) or to masturbate to things that aren't usually sexual, or even to nothing at all, just purely touch. It's all individual, and none of it depends on your sexuality. Your sexuality is about who you're sexually attracted to, ie who you find attractive in a way that leads you to desire sexual contact, not what you do when alone.

And it's also very common to be attracted more to certain types of women, instead of equally to all women. This is true no matter the type of attraction; many people find themselves romantically, sexually and/or aesthetically attracted to certain traites in women or men more so than others. Some people like women who are red heads. Others like women who display more traditionally dominant behaviours. It's all fair game. And from people I've talked to, it seems much more common to at least think and say you have a preference in "type" of person you're attracted to other than just gender than not. So it's very possible you're attracted only to androgynous women, or more often to androgynous women than any other type of woman. Perfectly possible and probably more common than not, to be honest.

There are quite a few aces who have Asperger's as well. If you want to find more of them, I'd recommend checking out the Intersectionality forum here on AVEN. If I recall correctly, there's a whole thread there just about asexual Aspies. Let me see if I can find it... Here it is! It looks really active too. So, you may not find a partner right away, but at least you can connect with others who may be similar to you in that one respect :)

I am sorry to hear about your frustrations with dating. I wish I could say it will definitely get better, but it's a long and hard road and there's never a sure guarantee. That's a really sucky place to be in when you're single and not wanting to be. It took me a very long time to find my current partners, and there was a LOT of heartbreak in there somewhere. I don't know what else to say except that we're here for you :cake: Your profile says you live in the Pacific Northwest; I'm in Vancouver, and here OKCupid is a good online dating site. It has options for marking yourself as asexual, and I've heard really good things about it. One of my partners has found dates and relationships on there, and though they don't always last, at least it might be worth a try? Of course, being in a big city helps a lot. It's much harder if you live in a smaller or more conservative place... though again, I've heard good things about online relationships. I can think of a handful or two of people who I know on AVEN who found their significant other here, just by chatting and making friends. Sometimes relationships come from the least expected places.

I wish you luck on all fronts! I hope you sleep well too.

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PhoenixButterfly

Thanks for the comforting advice, Heart. You're so wise. You always seem to know exactly what to say. I'll be sure to update my profile to say that I'm a romantic asexual. I should probably update the Looking For section of my profile too.

I'll be sure to check out that thread soon. It sounds like I might make some friends on there and maybe something more.

I've heard of OKCupid, but I was already on two sites and wasn't sure I could keep up with a third. If I like it enough, I might just stick with it and this site, instead of the other two sites. I wonder if I can specify my gender identity and what I'm looking for on an OKCupid profile. I hope so. I don't feel comfortable presenting myself as a lesbian on the other sites. But I also didn't want women judging me based solely on my gender identity. I tried explaining that I'm demigender on one of my dating profiles and I felt like it might have been driving them away. I'm glad I can feel comfortable to just be myself on this site. Maybe I can be more honest in my OKCupid profile.

And I live about a 30-minute drive from Seattle. I just said PNW in my profile because I was trying to keep some anonymity. I think living so close to Seattle will be good for my dating life. I haven't done any sightseeing yet. I've only been living here for almost three months now and I don't get out much.

Anyway, it's getting late again, so I'd better call it a night. Good night.

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Aw, thank you for your kind words PhoenixButterfly :wub: I'm glad I could help.

And yes, I do believe you can specify all sorts of queer things on OKCupid, including gender. I already mentioned that they include asexual, but they also include polyamory, and all sorts of things like that; it's very queer-positive in general. I found this list of things OKCupid has as options for gender, and there's quite a few. I didn't see demigenders, but there is genderqueer, genderfluid, bigender and androgynous; the variety is promising for their acceptance of nonbinary identities. Also, I know they have an option to make your profile invisible to cis straight men, which some people I know have found invaluable in cutting down on inappropriate messaging (not all cis straight men do that, but there's no point in risking it if you're not looking for men in the first place). If you're not looking for men, then it's a feature that many would recommend.

I hope you find a way to settle in here, and on dating sites as well :cake:

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LadyErzsebet

Yeah, OKC has decent gender options, which is good, but what's best is the checkbox "I do not want to see or be seen by straight people" :D

Its super common to have different levels of attraction to different types of people and have certain preferences that might relate to gender presentation. Its also possible that these might change a little for you as you come to a better understanding of and comfort with your gender/asexuality/etc. Personally, (and super weirdly) I've found myself having a greater possibility of attraction to guys after coming out as nonbinary. I don't really know why--I still don't think I'd date a cis guy--but I was like 0% attracted to them ever and now that's not the case. All this stuff is super weird and takes time and that's ok.

Heart is very wise indeed. <3

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PhoenixButterfly

Thanks for the information. Funny, I thought OKC stood for Oklahoma City. Just kidding. LOL.

I will definitely be checking that exclusion box. I'm not attracted to men. For a while there, I thought I might be bisexual. But now I know why I find some guys attractive. It's because they have androgynous faces, if that makes any sense. I'm just attracted to androgyny, I guess. I think that's why I felt intimidated by so many women on dating sites. I wasn't really attracted to some of them, so it made me nervous just thinking about contacting one of them. I think I would feel more at ease talking to an androgynous woman or maybe an AFAB androgyne or an AFAB demiguy like myself. Maybe OKCupid is the dating site for me. I'll set up a profile tonight, I think. But I probably won't put a lot of details in it yet. It will be easier and faster to do that from my laptop. Since I joined this site, I've been using my phone to type everything. Not just my posts, but my profile too. And it takes twice as long to type, I think.

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So, I've got some exciting news. I set up a profile on OKCupid last night and answered a few of their multiple choice questions. Then I looked through the quick matches and discovered two non-binary AFABs. I tapped that I liked both of their profiles. And this morning I checked my email and saw that I had a message from one of them. I don't know their name, but we carried on a conversation for about 8 hours today. I haven't heard back from them since my last reply, but I'm sure they'll read my newest message tomorrow and reply then. What I couldn't believe is that we live in the same town. How crazy is that?! I mean, they could live just down the road from me, for all I know. I suppose we're just acquaintances for now, but we seem to already be making a connection. We have so much in common. We both love interactive fiction aka choose your own adventure type games. We both have Asperger's. And we both identify as non-binary, which is definitely a plus and gives us a lot to talk about. The thing is, though, that they don't have a photo of what they look like. The only profile photo they have of themself is from their shoulders up to the top of their neck. I know that they're AFAB, though, because they said, "Hello, fellow non-binary AFAB!" I think maybe looks don't matter much to either of us. But I think they're probably very attractive. From what they've told me, it seems like they're insecure about their physical appearance. They told me that they're upset that they can never pass as male in public, even when they're really trying to be more masculine. But they also said that they've given up on trying to be more masculine and just try to be themself all the time now. They're four years older than me, but that's not much difference between our ages. I hope we can at least be friends, even if it's just online. Although, I think I'd like hanging out with them, once we get to know each other well enough. I know we've only just met today. But how do you know if a relationship is starting to go from a friendship to a romantic relationship? I've never been in love before, so I'm not sure what it feels like to be in love. How will I know?

Anyway, thanks for suggesting OKCupid. I still can't believe that I'm already talking to someone. They're a very nice person from what I can tell so far. I'm kind of hoping our acquaintanceship will turn into a friendship and then someday maybe a romantic relationship.

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Oh wow! I'm so happy for you!!!!

As for how to know if something is becoming romantic vs a friendship? I don't have a solid answer for you; just keep going and see how it feels. After a while, if both you and this new person feel like introducing the word "relationship" to describe what you have, then you're golden.

I'm so happy for you ^_^

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I know, right? I mean, I was just hoping to find someone in the Seattle area. I wasn't expecting to find someone in my neck of the woods. Seriously, it's like it was meant to be. I don't know if I believe in fate or not, but it sure seems like kismet to me. What are the chances that out of a population of about 30,000 in this small town, I would find another AFAB non-binary person like myself. Not to mention that they have Asperger's like I do too. It's just an absolutely amazing coincidence. And I just moved here a few months ago and they've lived here all their life. I didn't even know where I was going to live until about a few months before I moved. I mean, I knew it would be close to my brothers, but I didn't know the exact town until my mom picked out the house and put an offer on it.

Anyway, I still can't believe that they actually contacted me. I've never talked to anyone on a dating site before. I've always been too nervous to contact someone. But, strangely enough, I feel very at ease talking to them and I feel like we could tell each other anything. Recently, we've been talking about how Asperger's affects each of our lives differently. And we also talk about interactive fiction and how we both wish that there was more gender identity representation in video games and books. And we even talk about our experiences with gender dysphoria.

Yeah, I had a feeling you might say something like that. I'm just not sure what I'm feeling right now. I guess I'm excited about finding out what they're going to say next and eagerly waiting for their response. And I guess I'm happy to have someone I can talk to who really understands me. And I guess I'm hoping for more someday. I guess I'm feeling excited, happy, and hopeful all at once. I'm not sure what else to call it. I've never had all of those feelings at once before. I guess it makes me feel wanted and liked.

Strange thing is, though, that we never properly introduced ourselves to one another. All I know is their screen name and vice versa. I'm wondering if I should ask them, but I'm worried that it might be a touchy subject for them. I don't really care what their birth name is unless they just want me to know. I just want to know what name I should call them. How should I go about asking them?

And I've noticed that they log on to OKCupid at night before bedtime, but they don't respond to my last message for that day until the next morning. And I haven't heard from them at all today. I hope I hear from them soon. I'm thinking about sending them another message, even though technically it's their turn to talk. Should I ask them why they don't respond right away? Or should I just wait for their next response each time? I'm wondering if they have limited access to the internet. Or maybe they don't want to talk when they're around other people. My parents don't know I'm on here or OKCupid, so I usually don't even read my messages when they're in the same room with me. And I only respond when I have some alone time, usually at the start and end of each day or when I've got the room to myself. Maybe they're doing the same thing. I mean, I know they're out to their mom, but they may not have told their mom that they're on OKCupid. If my mom ever found out that I'm on OKCupid, she would freak out. She doesn't think I should trust anyone I've met on the internet. She thinks everyone pretends to be someone they're not when they're on the internet. But from what I've seen, most people are pretty honest about themselves on the internet, maybe a little too honest sometimes.

And I kind of want to meet them in person someday soon. I know I've just recently met them online, but we've talked so much. I feel like I've known them for a while. I'm hoping someday they'll ask me to meet them somewhere. I was thinking maybe at the public library. I know it seems like a silly place to meet someone from a dating site. But we're both intellectuals, so it makes sense. And the local library is only about a ten minute walk from where I live and I don't have to cross any busy roads to get there. Maybe someday we'll meet at the library. Hmph, maybe we'll bump into each other there someday. If we did, they might recognize me, but I wouldn't know what they look like.

Anyway, that's still farther on down the relationship timeline. I figure before we ever meet in person, we should exchange phone numbers and text and talk on the phone when there's no one else around to listen in on our conversation. And maybe even Skype or FaceTime with each other, which seems kind of silly considering that we both live in the same town. Yeah, maybe someday.

Thanks for being supportive, Heart. I'm glad I can talk to you about this.

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Well, I'll try my best with these questions, let's see how I do:

As for how to ask what to call them? I'd be simple, and just ask what they prefer to be called. Like you said, their birth name means nothing, especially if they've changed it or if it's dysphoric to them. So, the next time you message them, you could say something like "Hey, by the way, I realised that I never asked what name you prefer? Would you like me to call you by your username, or do you have a preferred name that you'd like me to use?". Then, whatever they tell you is their name! Simple as that. It may even be that they prefer their username; I know that I often go as "Heart" even in real life meet ups, because it's as much my name as my other one and easier for AVENites to remember ;)

And as for seeing your message at night but responding in the morning; I do that a lot too. I read messages, then think about how to respond before actually doing so. In fact, I'm notoriously worse than that; I can go days without responding... :( But it lets me think through my answer so it's the clearest I can make it, and especially with long messages I like to read them over to make sure they sound ok. Maybe they're just doing the same thing I do? If so, I'd suggest waiting a little longer. Give them another day or two before responding again, or many messages in a row can get intimidating to answer ;)

A public library is a great place to meet! The only concern I'd have is that sometimes they don't like you talking in certain areas, but otherwise I think that would be an awesome thing to do. I love books myself, and it would give me an excuse to ask for book suggestions and then get some books out. But that's just me of course. Other good, netural public places are things like coffee shops (I always get hot chocolate or tea though, I'm not a fan of coffee), or even park benches if the weather is nice (I always pick places where dogs go, so I can watch them play).

Oh, and if you don't know what they look like, it's a good idea before you meet to let each other know an item of clothing you're wearing that will stand out. For example, I always wear a trenchcoat in the winter, so I'm easily identifiable. Or maybe a scarf, or something, so you can find each other more easily. And tell someone where you're going, and for how long... I know they're a good person, but for the first meet up it's always good practice no matter what to tell someone where you are, just in case.

But yeah, it sounds great! Good luck :cake: :D

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PhoenixButterfly

Yeah, after I asked you about it, I started thinking more about what I want to say to them next. I figured I could start out by introducing myself and explain how I prefer to be called Jess because it's more gender-neutral and can also feel masculine to me sometimes too. And then tell them how I've always hated it whenever I introduce myself to someone and they assume my name is Jessica and I have to correct them and they would always apologize for assuming. And then follow up with the question, "What name do you prefer me to call you by?" And then we'd at least know what to call each other.

Yeah, I guess that makes sense. But, even though we've only been talking since Thursday, I get the feeling that they only check their email when they're at work. In their profile, they said that they have a full-time office job. And the reason I think they're checking it during work hours is because they respond between the hours of about 8:30 AM and 6 PM. And I'm fine with that. I just worry that I'll never hear from them again because of something I might have said. I guess I'm hoping to hear from them again, but I'm just impatient. And I really like them, but I don't know if they like me. I guess I'm just having a hard time wondering if I'll ever hear from them again. I mean, I think it's pretty likely that we'll keep talking to each other because I don't think we'll ever run out of things to talk about. I'm just an apprehensive person, I guess.

Yeah, it's been a very long time since I've been to a library. I forgot that you're supposed to be quiet there. But I think if we were to meet there, we would try to keep the volume at a minimum, especially since we're both sensitive to noise. And I don't drink coffee either. But I do like an occasional mug of tea or hot chocolate. I'd thought about maybe having my first date at a Starbucks someday, but I realize now that I just don't like going out much. I think I would feel more comfortable at the library because people are more focused on the books there than the other people around them.

Yeah, like the rose in the book in the movie You've Got Mail. I'm not sure what my identifying clothing item would be. It might just be easier to describe my shirt and jeans. I guess I could wear one of my plaid shirts. Those are pretty unique and easy to spot in a crowd.

And, yes, of course, I would tell someone where I'm going. I'd be nervous to go anywhere alone, anyway. I've never been in a public place by myself. Unfortunately, at the moment, the only person in my life here in Washington who I'm out to is my mom. And she would freak out if she knew I was even talking to anyone on the internet, let alone a dating site. I think I might just wait until I can come out to my sister-in-law and ask her to go to the library with me whenever I decide to meet them in person someday. Although, I was thinking that I could maybe go to the library with my mom a few times. And then, when we finally do decide to meet in person someday, I can just pretend like we're meeting each other for the first time. Of course, I would have to tell them about my plan first. But it's just an idea.

And thanks again for the advice and well wishes.

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Hey, Heart. I'm freaking out a little bit and I need some advice and/or reassurance, please.

I just spent the last hour or so reading over their profile again and answering personality questions that they answered. It seems that after we talked, they did some more thinking about their gender identity. Now, their profile says they are a transitioning FtN AFAB. And I think I'm fine with that. I'm not really sure what kind of nonbinary person I'm looking for, anyway. I'm just a little nervous because they say they'd be willing to date women (trans or cis) and nonbinary people. Do I fit into the nonbinary part? I guess I am nonbinary too. I'm just not sure if they still like me or not. I mentioned having dysphoria about my bottom half, but without getting into greater detail about it. I'm wondering if I might have scared them away. Also, we had been talking about the 50 Shades trilogy and I said I liked the books, but I could never do any of the BDSM stuff because I'm sensitive to pain. Some of the personality questions they answered were about BDSM and I answered the questions honestly and we matched on each one. I just hope I didn't say something that made them realize they don't like me. I kind of feel like crying. I don't want to get my hopes up, in case they decide to never talk to me again. Okay, now I am crying. I guess I'm just overwhelmed by my emotions.

Good news is, though, that, after I answered some of the personality questions they had already answered, our match went from 81% to 96% and our enemy % went from 9 to 3. So, maybe I'm just getting all worked up over nothing. I guess I was just misinterpreting what they said on their profile.

Although, I've been wondering if they'll want to ever date me because I'm not a teetotaler like them. They added to their profile that if you drink they don't want you to message them. Honestly, I don't like the taste of alcohol and a whole nine months went by after I became 21 before I had my first drink. I didn't enjoy it, but I drank it anyway. Now, I mostly drink whenever other people are drinking. I rarely drink by myself and I'm never alone when I do and it's always a malt liquor beverage, so it's mostly sugar. And when I drink with others, I always drink a rum-based cocktail because I've found that it's the only kind of drink I kind of like the taste of. And I don't like the buzzed feeling I get after I have one or two drinks. I'm starting to think that I could give up alcohol for them because I don't really care if I drink or not nor do I care if they drink or not. But if whether or not I drink is important to them, then I'll stop drinking completely. What do you think I should do?

Okay, I've stopped crying now. I think I just needed to vent a little bit and get in a good cry. I think I'm okay now, but I'm still a little anxious. I hope I hear back from them tomorrow. At the very least, maybe we can still be friends. I'm thinking maybe I was just reading too much into things. I try to think of myself as a realist. But, I suppose, I'm more of an idealist sometimes and a pessimist other times. It just depends on what kind of mood I'm in, I guess.

Okay, it's really late now, so I should try to get some sleep. Maybe I can talk to them tomorrow. If I don't hear back from them at all tomorrow, then I think I'll send them another message tomorrow night. Thanks again for listening. I look forward to hearing your input. Good night.

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Okay, since nobody has responded yet, I'm going to update y'all again.

I decided to go ahead and send another message to them because I haven't heard back from them since Friday afternoon. I really do think that the reason they stopped talking to me was because of the drinking. So, I tried my best to explain to them why I used to drink and that I'm never drinking again, especially if it means I can't become their friend. I'm hoping to hear back from them tomorrow morning or afternoon. Maybe they'll reconsider becoming my friend. I truly hope so. And I introduced myself and asked them what name they would prefer me to call them or if they would prefer me to only call them by their username. And then I talked about my favorite book genres a little bit too, just so as to continue our previous conversation.

Anyway, I really hope they start talking to me again. I told them that I think we could become great friends someday and that I feel like I could talk to them about anything. And I also told them that I find them interesting to talk with and that we seem to have a lot in common. I'll update you again whenever I hear back from them, if I hear back from them, that is. Good night.

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So, I feel like an idiot. Of course, you were right, Heart. They've just been super busy with work and haven't had time to respond at length to my message from Friday night. They said that they look forward to talking with me this weekend, so I responded back and apologized for jumping to conclusions. I told them that I'll try to be more patient from now on and not worry so much. I'm just going to try to focus on other things this week and not check my OKCupid messages until this weekend. I recently started working as an audio transcriber, so I think I'll try to get some work done this week. I need to get some practice in, if I'm ever going to make any money from this job. So far, I've made 33 cents from one 1-minute recording. It took me over an hour to complete it, but I think it took me so long mostly because I was trying to work in a noisy environment. And I think once I'm more experienced at it, I'll be able to work a lot faster. Wish me luck!

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Oh my goodness Phoenix, I'm so sorry!! I never meant to not respond, I wish I had come on sooner. I had a really busy day yesterday, I was writing a report for my supervisor, and I just didn't get a chance to be on as much as usual. I will catch up fully on reading your recent posts, then respond more fully in a moment :cake:

Edit: Ok, I think I've caught up. Wow, so much has happened in such a short time! Congratulations on the new job, and I hope it gets easier. You're right; things like transcribing just take a lot of practice, and remember that some tracks are just going to be easier than others. Accents, ambient noise, random grunts or hums or stammers, words in other languages or that are difficult to spell, all those things and more can make it more difficult than an easy one. If you enjoy the work though, you'll quickly gain experience and get better at it ^_^

As for checking your messages, it might be worth it to let them know that you won't be checking then, just in case they face the same thing you did where they are waiting for a response and get anxious, not realising you're just too busy to check ;) Taking a break from checking messages is great every once in a while, and I do that too with my facebook for example. But I always do try to let people know I'm doing that so that I don't accidentally worry them.

And I'm excited to hear that you might be meeting up this weekend! Have fun :D

PS - You're not an idiot. We all do that, especially with people we have only just met. You're doing just fine and this kind of worry is totally normal ;) :cake:

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Yeah, I'm a very good speller. Although, there are certain words that I forget how to spell. Thankfully, they have an option for turning Spell Check on and off. The hard part is trying to hear through the mumbling and having to adjust the speed and volume for different speakers in the same recording. I have very sensitive hearing, which also means I have a keen sense of hearing. But my ears really hurt when the volume is too loud. Also, I tend to skip over some of the little one syllable words, like prepositions and "to be" verbs. So, I have to check my work before I submit it by playing the recording back at normal speed a few times just to make sure I didn't miss anything. And I usually have to edit my transcription because I've missed something. I applied for the job a few weeks ago and took their first exam. Then I heard back from them last week and took a second exam for English Skills. I heard back from them again the next day, but I was so busy I didn't have time. So, on Saturday, I sat down and tried one recording. But then they didn't have any more work for me and I didn't really feel up to doing another one, anyway. I still haven't checked to see how I did. I hope I did well. I'm glad they let me check my review to see if I made any mistakes. It's a good way to improve my transcription skills. Maybe I'll make some time to work tomorrow. Today, I've just been relaxing and watching TV with my mom.

And I think you might have misinterpreted something I said. I'm not meeting up with them this weekend. I just have to wait until this weekend to hear from them again. They have a super busy work schedule this week, so they won't have time to talk online until this weekend. I'm really looking forward to continuing my conversation with them, though. I think it will be at least several more weeks before we could ever meet in person. I've never met anyone in person whom I only know from online before. I called up an online friend once several years ago, but I felt uncomfortable about it, especially after I had to lie to my dad and tell him that she was a school friend who had moved to New York. We had met on a video game forum. We've kept in touch through Facebook since then, as well as two other online mutual friends from the same forum. But we only ever talk about video games. We hardly ever talk about our personal lives. But I'm hoping I can work up the courage to meet my online match someday soon.

Anyway, I have to go eat dinner now. Good night.

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Ah, sorry for the misunderstanding! I'm busier than usual this and next week too, so I'm tired and making mistakes everywhere :P Finals season is never easy, eh? But I'm almost done my courses! Only one more to go after this one ;)

Everything sounds good though! Have a good rest of the week, and have fun this weekend when you get to talk again ^_^

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Hey, Heart. Thanks for the well wishes. I've been busy catching up on DVR recordings this past week. I'm hoping to fit in some audio transcription work this week. I wasn't feeling up to it last week. I haven't even exercised in two weeks. I need to start working out again and work on getting out of old habits this week. I hope you do great on your final exams. That's great! I told my mom recently that I want to go to art school and she jumped at the chance to research schools for me. I was a little surprised, I guess, mostly because we don't really have the money right now and partly because I didn't really think she'd be okay with me going to an art school. I guess I just assumed she wanted me to go to a mainstream college. Anyway, I haven't researched it yet, but I know I want to study to become an animator, a photographer, a video game designer, or a comic book/strip illustrator. I'm not sure which one I'll choose. It's hard for me to pick just one.

I did have fun talking to them again. I finally heard back from them yesterday (Sunday). But my response yesterday was so long that they haven't had time to respond back yet. Apparently, they just started a new job last week, so they're too busy to talk on weekdays.

I have a question, though. I've figured out what their name is, or rather, what their online persona is. Should I tell them that I know? I was reading back through their old messages to me on Saturday night and I came across a little fact that led me to an article that they had written. They had bragged a little about writing said article, so I know it's them. Then I did a Google search of their online persona and I came across a few websites and their Twitter and Tumblr accounts with the same name and username as the article. I'm 100% certain that it is the same person I've been talking to because they said in their blog recently that they just started a full-time job and they'll be too busy to blog except on weekends. I won't say here who they are because I don't want to break their trust in me. But should I tell them I know? I'm not sure how to tell them without coming across as stalkerish. I don't want to freak them out. Should I just wait to see if they tell me? It's weird for me to know their name, but not call them by it. It seems dishonest not to tell them. I'm not sure what to do. I want to talk to them so much, but I'm going to wait my turn. I'm sure I'll hear back from them by Saturday or Sunday.

And I'm not currently on Twitter or Tumblr. How does it work? And what would I use it for? Is it like a public online forum crossed with instant messaging?

And I'm worried that they think I just want to be friends with them. I told them that I thought we could become great friends someday because I was worried that they didn't like me anymore. But the truth is that I'm hoping we could become more than friends someday. And I'm hoping that they feel the same way. I just want our relationship to progress naturally without putting labels on it, at least not right away anyway. How do I ask them about this without coming across as desperate, lonely, or creepy? I don't want them to stop liking me. But I don't want to end up in the "friend zone" either. (Btw, I've never used the term friend zone before. I just hear it in movies and shows all the time.)

Anyway, I realize you're busy, so I'll wait to hear from you this time. Thanks for listening, Heart.

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Goodness, those are some complicated questions! I don't know if I know the answer to all of them, but I'll do my best. First though, congrats on your mother being so supportive about your ambitions!! Finances will always be difficult I'm sure, but having family support is a big step in the right direction. One piece is in place, and while it may take time for the others to fall into place beside it, you're at least on the way!

And I hear you about the whole exercise thing... it's definitely been about three weeks for me :( But I plan on getting back into it next week, since I'll be done finals then and can take a bit of a breather ;) I do need to get back into the habit though. It's so much easier when there's a solid routine, to stick to it.

Ok, questions time. As for whether to tell them you found their article and things, if I were you I'd phrase it like a question. I'd say something like "Hey! So you know how you mentioned a while ago that you wrote an article? I think I might have come across it the other day. Is this it? [link]"

That way, they know that you found them (if it is indeed them, which seems very likely at this point), but also you get confirmation. You can be 99% sure on your own, but you can never know for sure on the internet... the world is so full of people! While the odds are small that another person has started a new job and also written an article about that subject, it's not zero, so it's good perhaps to double check anyways even if you think you're sure ;)

Also, I don't think the above way I phrased it sounds at all stalkerish, but that's just me. I think it could sound like polite interest.

And I have no idea how Twitter or Tumblr work. I don't have accounts there either, nor have I ever been on those sites. I'm afraid I am not the one to ask... but if you move over to the Off-A subforum or something, and start a new topic, I think there would be members around that would love to help and tell you what these sites are all about!

How to tell them you're interested in possibly more than friendship? Ha. I'm the last one to ask on that I'm afraid... I'm great at gender, and great at navigating relationships once they already exist, but notoriously bad at starting them :P I'd highly suggest going to the relationships subforum here and posting a new topic there about this question. You'll get a much more broad engagement from the membership at large if you put it in a forum that makes more sense than gender, and more advice.

I think that's about all? Did I miss anything? I'm taking a break from studying for today, but I'll be back at the textbooks tomorrow ;)

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Yeah, I thought she was being supportive, but now I'm not so sure. I told her how it felt really good to earn some money for an honest day's work. (Well, I didn't phrase it like that and it was only about two hours of hard work, but you know what I mean.) And she said I should take a course in medical transcription, so I can get paid more. And I had wanted to take that course before we moved, but she had said that she thought that there wasn't anyone looking for medical transscriptionists and that I should take a course in medical coding and billing because there are a lot of job opportunities for that. Now, she's telling me that I could get a job in medical transcription out here, as if my location had anything to do with it. She's being a hypocrite, if you ask me. I told her that I don't want to take a course in medical transcription anymore and that I want to go to art school. And I told her I thought she was okay with that and she just said yeah. And I said it didn't sound like a "yeah" to me. She said it without any enthusiasm at all. Now, I don't know what to think. Agh!! I'm so frustrated!

And I still have yet to get back on my exercise bike. I guess I'm still trying to get back to a normal sleep schedule and daily routine. Maybe I will get on it tomorrow or Friday.

Okay. I took your advice and paraphrased what you said to make it sound more like something I would say and also to put it into context. I probably won't hear from them again until Saturday or Sunday, though, because of their busy work schedule. I hope that they put two and two together and they're okay with me figuring out what their online persona is. Hopefully, I wasn't too subtle about it.

And I've changed my mind about joining Twitter and Tumblr. Maybe someday I'll have a reason to join, but, right now, I don't see a reason for me to use those sites. Also, I forgot to mention that they're on DeviantArt. I've been meaning to join for a while now, but I never thought anyone would want to see any of my drawings. So, I decided to create an account and I will try to scan and upload some of my old artwork. Then maybe I can get inspired and draw something new to upload. Once I have it all ready, I'll post a link to my Deviations here on this thread and on my profile here.

And I think I'll hold off on starting a topic on the Relationships subforum. I'm kind of busy right now and I shouldn't even be staying up this late to talk. But I needed to update you on everything because I needed to vent a little bit.

Good luck with studying and finals. I'll update you once I hear from them again, when I get some free time to talk on here. I really shouldn't stay up this late. Good night, Heart.

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PhoenixButterfly

Okay, Heart. I'm genuinely confused right now. My OKCupid Match sent me a message about half an hour ago saying that that article isn't the one they wrote. And then they added that they think it was on another wiki site altogether. They mentioned in their profile that they have a BA (Bachelors of Art) degree and that they spend their free time writing web-comics, blogs, and wiki articles. The person who wrote that article also has a BA degree and writes web-comics and blogs. I know it's got to be them. I can't tell if they actually don't recognize their own wiki article or if they're lying about it to cover their tracks. I knew I was being too subtle. I don't know what to do now. I really like them, but I don't like knowing about their online persona without their knowledge of that fact. It feels strange. I thought for sure that they would figure things out. I guess I should just keep talking to them and maybe they'll open up more once we get to know each other a little better. Right now, it feels like they're trying to hide their online persona from me, but I can't figure out why.

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Have you considered that they aren't lieing? Maybe it really isn't them. I mean, a lot of people with BAs write and do art, like blogs and web comics. Much more than the other degrees! It's probably not an uncommon combination, if you ask me.

I don't know. Maybe I'm naive, but my gutt instinct is to just trust them and assume that the person you found is not them. Maybe it is, and they have their reasons for hiding it, but maybe it isn't. Either way though, they clearly want you to think of that online persona as not being them. To me, it wouldn't really matter in the end whether it's true or not; they want you to think they are not that person, so there's no harm in doing so I think. It's like meeting someone with a new gender that you've never heard of; maybe you doubt that such a gender exists for now, but you can give them the benefit of the doubt and call them that gender until you know more about it at least.

Does that make sense? So, even if you think that person is them, but they say it's not, then I'd recommend trying to think of that person as not them. It doesn't hurt, and I doubt they have malicious intentions, so go along with it for now. Maybe they're telling the truth, but even if they aren't, it doesn't hurt to believe them for now. At least, that's my opinion. I hope that made sense.

Good night, and sleep well! :cake:

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