Possibly asexual, intermittent gender dysphoria, & undecided gender identity

[PhoenixButterfly]

Yeah, I guess that makes sense. You see, the thing is that they've had this online persona for about 15 years now, so I think maybe they're just not ready to let me into that part of their life just yet. And there was something that they mentioned in their profile that makes me think that the online persona is them, but I think if I were to mention it here that that would give away their online persona. And I don't want to do that because that would be breaking their trust. I just hope I haven't ruined our relationship already.

I'm just going to let it go and try my best to pretend that that online persona is not them. But I haven't heard back from them yet yesterday or today, so I'm wondering if I should just try to change the subject to revive our old conversation without actually pointing out that that's what I'm doing. Because if I don't talk to them soon, then it will most likely be Friday night at the earliest before I hear back from them. And I don't know if I could wait that long.

It's very strange how much they and I have in common, though. I answered some more of the personality questions they had answered. And it's starting to feel like we're two sides of the same coin. It's like we complement each other. It's so bizarre, though, because, even though I'm not from here and they've lived here all their life, we now live in the same town. It's almost like our timelines would have brought us together at some point, even if we hadn't met on OKCupid. I don't think I believe in fate or destiny, but this is such a strange coincidental occurrence of events. It's almost too good to be true. I just hope I haven't messed things up with them yet.

[Heart]

I'm sure you haven't messed anything up yet ;)

Everything sounds like it's going just fine, and you sound like you have a good plan!

[PhoenixButterfly]

Okay, Heart, I'm really freaking out now. My OKCupid match just sent me a message today. They said that they don't think we would make a good match and wished me luck finding another match. They "unliked" my profile and told me to leave them alone. I know I should have respected their wishes, but I decided to write them back. I just hope they take me back. I told them that their words hurt me so much that I was (and still am) shaking because I'm trying my best not to cry. I asked them why they don't think we would make a good match. I asked them to please give me another chance and not to shut me out just yet. I think I really screwed things up somehow. I should have never taken your advice. I'm worried now that they think I'm a cyber stalker. But I'm not. I just want to get to know them better. I really hope this isn't the last I'll ever hear from them. I don't know what to do.

[Heart]

I'm so sorry to hear that! I wish I could give you hugs in real life

It may be that this isn't the end of the story, and it may also be that there are other matches out there. Never give up hope. And I'm so sorry if some of my advice was not helpful :(

*many hugs and good wishes*

[PhoenixButterfly]

It's okay, Heart. I realize now that I only have myself to blame. I talked to my best friend about it because I couldn't get ahold of myself. As soon as she mentioned the word "boundaries," I realized my mistake. My healthy curiosity had quickly turned into an unhealthy obsession and I felt like I had to be honest with them whilst simultaneously trying not to scare them away. But I realize now that I should have stopped when I found their online persona via Google. It's one thing to Google someone's name when they introduce themself, but it's a bird of another color, so to speak, to Google someone's name after having discovered it on an article they wrote.

I'm going to try to take my best friend's advice and try not to check my messages or email just yet. In fact, I've decided to take a break from online dating to focus on myself for a while. I realize now that I need to find what makes me happy before I can start a healthy relationship with anyone new. Maybe I'll go to a local meet up someday soon. But, right now, I'm going to try to focus on finding myself again. You see, I started to realize something when I was talking to my match, before it all went downhill. I realized that I had lost my sense of self, of individuality, what makes me unique. And I think it will be really good for me to just take as much time as I need to just self-reflect and rediscover my artistic expression. Also, I need to focus on improving my audio transcription skills, so that I can finally start making my own income. And I recently applied for a page fellowship at one of the local libraries here. It will be a four to six week selection process, so I don't know if I will hear from anyone at that library any time soon. But I'm hoping that I will be picked for the job. I don't have any work experience, but that's okay because it's a job training program. I think that working in a library will be good for me. I really need to develop better social skills. Also, I'm very good with numbers and have a broad vocabulary and I love to learn new things.

[Heart]

Wow, you have a very wise friend. That sounds like come very solid advice, and I'm glad they're there for you.

[PhoenixButterfly]

Hey, Heart. It's very late, so I'm going to try to keep this as brief as possible before I go to sleep.

Ever since I talked to my best friend, I've started to feel guilty about violating my match's privacy and breaking their trust in me. I regret ever making the mistakes I made by Googling their other username and then trying to indirectly tell them about it. I realize now what they meant about us not being able to have a healthy relationship. They were waiting for me to come clean and face the consequences. They wanted me to be honest and trust them not to overreact when I tell them the truth. I feel so terrible about it. I want to apologize to them for what I did and ask for their forgiveness. I really hope they can forgive me and give me a second chance. I realize now that I have a lot of trust issues, but I don't know how to work on that. I realize I can't undo what I did, but I'm hoping that we will bounce back from this, eventually. It's all I can think about lately. I really miss being able to talk to them. But they haven't responded to my last message yet because they're busy with work. I just hope they haven't blocked me yet. I'm going to talk to my best friend about this first, though. She seems to know a lot about online dating. I feel like it might be better if I try to talk to my match this weekend, though, so that they don't let their feelings get all bottled up inside. I really hate that I made them this upset with me. I've never made them upset before.

[Heart]

That's a good idea. I have never tried online dating, so I guess I'm not as well versed in the culture surrounding such things; I've always found in person interactions to be more my thing. If your friend has experience with this, it's probably best to at least talk to them about things first, you're right.

I know I recommended this before, but I'm going to say it again. Making a thread in the Asexual Relationships forum is a good idea. Members have a variety of experience, and more voices can be good. Also, the forum is for all kinds of relationships, not just romantic or committed ones. People talk about family, friends, etc there too, so talking about online dating would not be out of place at all.

[PhoenixButterfly]

Hey, Heart. I am so glad that I decided to talk to my best friend first. She said that she thinks I was reading too much into things. She advised against apologizing right away because it might just frighten them away forever. She suggested that I wait to see if they respond to my previous message. She said if I want to apologize that I should be less specific like, "I apologize for what I did." I'm going to try to be more patient. I'm not going to even look at their dating profile anymore. My best friend thinks that I got attached too quickly because I have way more free time than they do. I just hope that there's still a chance for us to have a successful, healthy relationship.

[Heart]

*hugs*

I'm wishing you the best. These all sound like good ideas to me, I hope they work out for you

[PhoenixButterfly]

Hey, Heart. So, I checked my dating profile today and it said that my match had visited my profile this morning at nine. I'm not sure what to make of this. I haven't heard back from them yet, but it must be a good sign that they viewed my profile again. If they wanted to block me, then they wouldn't have to visit my profile to do it. But they might have visited my profile to hide it from their matches. Then again, maybe they wanted to see how I answered my personality questions or they wanted to know when I was last online. But I refrained from visiting their profile again. I'm trying to give them some space right now. I'm not sure if I'll hear from them this weekend. I suppose I should ask my best friend for advice. Maybe my match is reconsidering their hasty decision to tell me that it's over between us. I still can't believe that I did what I did. Also, I can't believe that they're holding back their emotions. I mean, I don't want them to chew me out, so to speak, but I would like to at least know why they don't think we'd make a good match. I think maybe I just scared them a little bit and they didn't want me to get too upset about it. But if I'm upset about it, then they must be upset at me too. I'm hoping I can apologize soon and we can try to go back to the way things were. I think we just have a problem communicating our feelings sometimes. I guess what I'm really saying is I'm trying my best not to give up hope yet.

[Heart]

I think the best thing to do for now is to 1) talk to that friend of yours and 2) don't mind-read. You don't know what's going through their heads, and it sounds like you're thinking a lot about what might be. But you don't know, and you can't know unless they tell you. You don't know what they're reconsidering, if anything, until and unless they tell you, for example. I don't think it helps anyone for you to be creating these scenarios....

It's good to not give up hope. But it's also good to remember that there are other people around. I know it's cliched, but there are plenty of fish in the sea, and people rarely end up with the first person they date, or the second, etc. Take every experience as a learning experience, it is not lost if the relationship is lost.

[PhoenixButterfly]

Yeah, I know. You're right. My best friend has been telling me that too. It's just really hard for me to move on from this because we seem so perfect for each other. I don't know what to do. I think I'm just going to stay off of OKCupid for a while, unless someone sends me a message. I guess I'm just tired of being lonely.

Also, I seem to have an overactive imagination. I just wish I could use that imagination to write stories or draw something new. I need to make some new friends out here too. I just don't know how. I really need to get out more. But it's hard because I'm a bit of a homebody. I'm kind of scared to meet new people. What if nobody likes me? I just feel so alone lately.

[Heart]

Have you tried a local meetup group? I know there's an active ace community in Seattle, maybe that group has a few potential friends in it, you could try going over to the meetup mart and checking out one of their meets?

[PhoenixButterfly]

Yeah, my best friend said I should try to find an LGBT meetup in Seattle. I've never been to one before, LGBT or otherwise. What happens at a meetup? Also, I don't know how I would go to a meetup. I don't know how to drive and my mom is the only one I'm out to here. But we haven't actually talked about me dating or making new friends here. And I've never been in public by myself, at least, not since my schooldays. And my mom always went with me on field trips as a chaperone. My best friend talked about maybe saving up some money, so she can fly out for a visit this summer. It's kind of complicated, though, because she's also my brother's ex-wife. But I really hope she can come visit me. I haven't seen her since I moved here a few months ago. We've talked on the phone a few times, but it's just not the same.

Also, I sent a brief message to my OKCupid match. All I said was, "I apologize for what I did." I don't know if I will hear back from them. I just hope they understand what I was apologizing for. It seems kind of like a vague apology to me. I'm sure they're busy, so I don't expect to hear back from them right away, assuming that they're still talking to me. Maybe I will hear back from them this weekend. I'll just have to wait to see.

[PhoenixButterfly]

Sorry if this is a bit TMI, but I need to vent.

I really wish I had my own place by now. My parents were just now having sex in their bedroom just down the hall from me. The door was closed, but surely they realize that I can hear them. It's so gross. I don't want to hear that. I don't even want to think about it. Ew! Don't they realize that I know what they're doing. I'm not a child anymore. That being said, I don't think I started to notice until about five years ago. I suppose I was blissfully ignorant before then.

That being said, I'm in no position to move out right now. I really wish I had somewhere else to go whenever my dad is home from work. He's a truck driver, so he travels through British Columbia for his job all week. I'm glad I get to see him when he's home. I just wish they were celibate or asexual.

I tried listening to music to block out the sounds, but I didn't have my ear buds nearby. I suppose I should keep a pair of ear buds in my pocket at all times.

On a happier note, I am getting a haircut tomorrow morning, so I have to go to bed soon. I hope I can get a decent haircut for once. I plan to show my new hairstylist a photo I took of myself recently. I was having the best hair day of my life and I didn't want to forget what my hair looked like at that moment. Good night.

[PhoenixButterfly]

Sorry if this is bit TMI (again), but I need to vent.

I am spending the day today with my 2-year-old nephew and my sister-in-law. Everything was going fine until she wanted me to help with his bath. So, I told her I would be in the next room. Then after his bath, he came into the room I was in. It didn't dawn on me until right then that I was in his bedroom. I figured maybe he had a diaper on under his robe, but I was wrong. Basically, he opened his robe right in front of me and flashed me. That's inappropriate behavior, in my opinion. I'm not comfortable with nudity, especially full frontal male nudity, even if he is only two. I was so uncomfortable that I had to get up and leave the room. My sister-in-law asked me if I was okay, so I lied and said I was fine. I'm so embarrassed. What an awkward moment. I don't know what to say to her now. I'm hiding out in the bathroom to try to calm myself back down. I'm still freaking out over this, but I think I'll be okay soon.

On a happier note, I got a good haircut today. I think I'm finally starting to like the way my hair looks.

[Heart]

Congratulations on the hair cut and I'm sorry to hear about your experiences with your parents and nephew :( Unfortunately, most two year olds that I've met don't have a good concept of when nudity is appropriate or not, so being in his room probably just meant to him that he was now allowed to take off clothes. It can be bracing though, if you're caught off guard like that

[PhoenixButterfly]

Yeah, I suppose I can understand that. The part that really upset me is what his mom said when he flashed me. My sister-in-law said, "He's saying, 'Look at me, Aunt Jessie!' " And then she giggled, which implies that she thought what he had done was cute and funny. But it wasn't. Exposing himself to me like that was inappropriate and disrespectful. Honestly, what is she going to do if he starts stripping off his clothing in public someday? I've heard that some young kids do that. Is she going to think that it's funny then? I don't think so.

After I posted my previous post, she sent me a text asking me if I was okay and where I was because I hadn't gone back downstairs yet. It felt awkward to try to explain the whole truth to her. I texted back that I was in the master bathroom because I had drank a lot of water earlier that same morning, which was true. Then I sat down next to them while they watched Sesame Street on TV. Awkward moment averted, I suppose.