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How do you make your ace + non ace relationship work?


EastCoastGirl

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Telecaster68

I guess what I was getting hung up on is that you can't really have a relationship without talking, but you can have a relationship without sex.

My point was that for a sexual, it's just as hard to have a relationship without sex as it is without talking. It's that vital.

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I guess what I was getting hung up on is that you can't really have a relationship without talking, but you can have a relationship without sex.

My point was that for a sexual, it's just as hard to have a relationship without sex as it is without talking. It's that vital.

You can't generalize like that. #notallsexuals

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Telecaster68
You can't generalize like that. #notallsexuals

Sigh. Most sexuals, then.

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deleted_account

I'm an asexual in a relationship with a not-asexual. We have extremely compatible personalities and have been together for a long time. He doesn't know much about asexuality, but then it's not a huge part of my life so really it's not a big deal for us as a couple. There are no meetup groups here, no support groups, no conventions. It's just me and the internet and my copy of The Invisible Orientation. My identity doesn't change our relationship - I still love him, it's just a word that I use to call myself.

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Telecaster68

Can I ask - did you have sex at any point? Did you both always know you were asexual? Has the lack of sex ever been an issue between the two of you? If so, how did you resolve it?

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He doesn't know much about asexuality, but then it's not a huge part of my life

Hang on.. You're in a relationship with a sexual, and the fact you have no intrinsic desire for sex is not "a huge part of your life"? Are you sure he's not also asexual?

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HenryMarch87

I need some serious help ...

My partner who i suspect is asexual, doesn't want to have sex or any sexual act .. We've been together for 6 years and she is really special to me. i really want her to be the mother of my kids. She is such a special woman who i know would make an amazing wife and a great mother . But the one thing that is scaring me is her unwillingness to be sexual with me... Im a very sexual person I've had many partners and i love sex .. I don't want to be permiscous but i am scared that us getting more serious is going to lead to this ... I have been really supportive but i feel like the longer we go with this issue unresolved the more devastating the ending of this relationship will be. I don't want any other woman i just want to be free sexually and explore our sexualitys together with one another.

I have tried to talk to her about these things and she always has the weirdest excuses about why she doesn't want to ... but she has stated a few times that she's not as sexual as me and doesn't need sex .. so I google that and came across this site. I doubt she has any idea that there are others like her that feel the same way .. i don't know i just want us to be happy.. and i feel like this obstacle is pushing us farther away ..

any advice at all as to how i can make this work or help her in any way .. i would really appreciate it.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Maybe show her this website and then talk about it together, help her find out what is going on then you can both find a solution.

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RoscoeGoesVroom

My boyfriend is sexual while i am asexual. The way we make it work is a lot of communication and compromise. Its not always easy, but its worth it.

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Telecaster68

I need some serious help ...

My partner who i suspect is asexual, doesn't want to have sex or any sexual act .. We've been together for 6 years and she is really special to me. i really want her to be the mother of my kids. She is such a special woman who i know would make an amazing wife and a great mother . But the one thing that is scaring me is her unwillingness to be sexual with me... Im a very sexual person I've had many partners and i love sex .. I don't want to be permiscous but i am scared that us getting more serious is going to lead to this ... I have been really supportive but i feel like the longer we go with this issue unresolved the more devastating the ending of this relationship will be. I don't want any other woman i just want to be free sexually and explore our sexualitys together with one another.

I have tried to talk to her about these things and she always has the weirdest excuses about why she doesn't want to ... but she has stated a few times that she's not as sexual as me and doesn't need sex .. so I google that and came across this site. I doubt she has any idea that there are others like her that feel the same way .. i don't know i just want us to be happy.. and i feel like this obstacle is pushing us farther away ..

any advice at all as to how i can make this work or help her in any way .. i would really appreciate it.

Have a look through the posts in the Friends and Allies section. There's lots of sexual partners of asexuals there.

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I'm in the same boat as many of you. Almost 14 year marriage to a sexual. It has only been in the last six months or so that I figured out I'm ace. We have a great life with our 3 dogs, but I know my hubby wants PIV much more frequently than I'm comfortable with.

I do often worry about our long term survivability with our dichotomy of sexual orientation, but we will take it one day at a time together.

A follow up to the previous post.

My husband and I are struggling with the PIV sex / no PIV sex in our relationship. He is very sexual and needs PIV to feel the connection (his words) where as I'm definitely asexual (not even grey or demi) and don't want PIV. I'm generally willing to do other types of sex with him, but it isn't enough for him.

We are at this point beginning to consider opening our relationship, but it is a scary idea for both of us.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hey! I've read a lot of things about opening up relationships, so I though perhaps sharing my story might help! If not do feel free to let me know, I can always remove this post again.

I've been together with my girlfriend for close on five and a half years now. I am gray-ace, and at this point not repulsed by sex, just absolutely uninterested. This state of affairs started somewhere during the second year of our relationship, and my girlfriend was not happy about it. As I had no idea that you could be ace if you ever enjoyed sex in your life (I used to like it when I was younger, but even then I can't recall ever being sexually attracted to someone outside of a REALLY strong lasting emotional connection) I was understandably confused, and went around blaming it on everything from medicines to depression to gender dysphoria. She tried to push it a few times until we had a good conversation about that, but for her this state of affairs was very frustrating, because she needs that kind of intimacy every now and then at least. I have catered to her needs at times, but I couldn't keep it up - I would get disinterested and uncomfortable halfway through and end up feeling bad about it soon afterwards.

I think it was all of this that led to her having sex with someone else at some point, which she tearfully confessed to me not long afterwards. I was angry with her, sure, but to my own great surprise it was not because of what I had suspected. I was not jealous in the least that she'd been physically intimate with someone else, I was angry that she'd kept it a secret from me that this was such a huge problem to her. So after we sorted that out we started to discuss the idea of an open relationship. It's not the full poly works in the sense that we have agreed to only be in a romantic relationship with each other, but if she wants to have sex with someone else I am okay with that, just as she would be okay with it in the extremely unlikely event that this should happen to me. It has almost been two years since that time, and we're still together and still happy. She still sees this girl she's been having sex with, and me and said girl get along pretty well too, so as far as I can tell everyone is OK with this situation. We've also discussed what would happen if at some point either of us would stop being ok with the situation as it is and made clear appointments about this, which might really help with this as well.

The key is communication though. It takes being extremely honest with each other to be able to keep this up. If one of us lies to the other about something this important it is possible that we could do permanent damage to our relationship, which would not be a good thing. We regularly talk about this, even if our views have not changed, just to make sure that we are in fact still on the same line. Lying about what makes one uncomfortable is not good, and if you feel like you have to do that in your relationship just to keep it going your relationship might not be entirely healthy. Partners should respect each other's feelings and do their very best not to hurt each other, I think.

In other words: if you feel like opening your relationship is something you want to do, it can be very liberating. For me it took a lot of pressure off, because even when my girlfriend did not pressure me I felt very guilty about not giving her something she wanted/needed in her life. It only works if you don't feel jealous, however. If you think you might - that is completely valid and you need not be ashamed of it. It is not a good idea to try for an open relationship if you feel that you can't trust your partner to remain faithful to you even though they have sex with someone else, or if you feel jealous very easily, or if it makes you insecure. Those are feelings that have no place in a relationship and that might poison it entirely. If you feel that you could make it work and would be glad of it though, it can be very good, as I said above. Just make sure to stay true to your feelings and not to let guilt rule over your emotions (or indeed your common sense).

p.s. Also don't try to push your partner into this if they don't want to, btw - I read up there somewhere that someone's partner was uncomfortable with the idea of having sex with someone else while in a relationship, and that is valid as well!

Sorry for this long-ass post, aah! I hope it is of some use.

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HighDrive

Sorry for this long-ass post, aah! I hope it is of some use.

Don't be :) thank you

My ace GF already told me she is ok with me looking out. We have awesome communication. Open, direct and honest. I haven't followed through but based on how we joke I know she will be ok.

I'm tentative as my relationship with her is the most important part for me.

I'll report back here when I follow through.

Again, thanks for the long post.

To the OP. Opening takes a lot of communication and honesty. Not just one talk. Not just one topic. And communication takes time. Invite him to aven and he can read these stories. Opening is not for everyone but not everyone is in a mixed relationship. Knowing the possibility is there removed most of the stress of the relationship.

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Just wanted to come here and share my experiences - had some flashbacks whilst reading this topic.

When I told my first girlfriend after a year that I'm having a feeling that I might be asexual - she got so mad. "You can't be asexual, we must break up if you are, I can't stand it if you are not a sexual" and of course that made me feel so, so terrible. Afterwards she told me that she also felt terrible - but not because of what she said for me, but that I told her about my feelings!! Lol. I was so gullible, thought that I must try to be sexual then and didn't want to break up with her. BUT we broke up later (after two years of relationship) because I started to lose my romatinc feelings towards her - maybe this sexual + asexual thing had something to do with it. Also we were super young (I was 18, she 20) and we didn't really discuss about this at all.

What comes to my second ex - she was genuinely sorry for me (well dunno why...I think there is no reason to be sorry for being ace lol) and told me to go to see the doctor...which made me sad because actually there is nothing wrong with me. There were many reasons for our breakup but I think this was one thing that hurt me too much. I also told her many times that we could try poly relationship (that could have been one solution in our situation) but she refused.

Based on my experiences... I couldn't make ace + non ace work. But I think the key is to be very open with your partner. And just talk, talk and talk. Both must be compassionate towards each other. Find solutions together etc.

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  • 10 months later...

honestly, seeing this brings me so much relief!

i thought i was the only one in this kind of situation.

 

my boyfriend and i have known each other since we were both around 11/12 years old. [we started dating two years ago!]

i have a lot of anxiety and paranoia - which in turn makes me very insecure. we obviously have our ups and downs, and we bicker a lot about sex because hes sexual and im not. [i'm sex-repulsed too] hes never once forced me or pressured me. hes never really even asked me. but just as i am, i feel inadequate. feel like he could probably be better off with someone who could provide the total package! but he'll always tell me that sex doesnt matter so much to him. it did at one point in his life, but he tossed it aside for me. i mentioned having an open relationship once, and he was furious that day.

he tells me time and time again that its me he wants and not anyone else. he doesnt care if its a sexless life or full of it. he just wants to spend his life beside me.

 

i still get insecure most days. i still think he might change his mind one day. but, i trust him not to hurt me. if somethings wrong, he would be upfront about it.

of course we're not married or living together yet, but we make it work just by talking lots. i still love to cuddle and kiss all the same, and we share lots of other hobbies/interests. we just get closer through other means ;w; /

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purewanderlust

This is such a nice thread! It's comforting to hear other people discuss their relationships and realize I'm not alone.

 

My personal experience is this: I'm asexual (mostly indifferent, but with spells of sex-repulsion) and my girlfriend is bisexual. She also happens to be my best friend of the past 15 years, but we're just now coming up on our first year anniversary of being a couple. Because we were such close friends before dating, she has a pretty good understanding of my asexuality. We've had sex a few times, particularly when the relationship was new, and it was fine. I have a tendency to do okay through the physical stuff and then have bad anxiety/panic afterwards, and she's been very patient and understanding through that.

 

We haven't had sex in probably six months, and I'm totally fine with that, but I'll be honest, discussing sex makes me uncomfortable, so I haven't asked her if she okay with the situation as well. I just assumed she was because she hasn't asked me to have sex with her, except for once and didn't get upset when I said no. That said, she recently opened up to me about a particular kink that could maybe enable us to be intimate without getting physical. I just have to get up the nerve to broach the topic, because, like I said, even TALKING about sex makes me somewhat uncomfortable, which is why it's gone as long as it has.

 

Long story short: in my experience an ace/allo relationship is 100% doable, but it requires work and good communication. But then, what relationship doesn't? :)

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A*sexual w/asexual

I'm absolutely short-stopped here...I met my girlfriend 4 years ago, and we hit it off immediately, but didn't become an item until last May, mainly because of the rather large age difference. At first, there was the usual hand holding and close physical contact one might expect, though no overtly sexual actions as she has an anxiety disorder and is depressive, taking escitalopram (an SSRI) for the problems. She was raised in a strict Christian family and has never had any exposure to either kissing or any overt sexual interplay. I value our relationship more than enough to not press the issue, though the vague promise/hint of sex was always present. Nicely tempting for an overt sexual like myself, especially since she's a virgin and for us sexuals, that's something important.

We have been dancing in circles for a while and about two weeks ago, I asked her where she thought the relationship was going. She couldn't give me an answer other than "It will be what it's going to be"...I let it go, as it was a more or less reasonable statement.

Monday, she told me that she thinks she's asexual...and that she only wants to be friends and that sex was off the table as an option. That hit me pretty hard, as I have fallen absolutely head over heels in love with this woman...we share the same values, have multiple similar or exact interests, view the world in the same light, even have reached a great consensus on personal goals; Top that off with the fact that she is caring, compassionate, highly intelligent, very professional and, as an added bonus, is drop-dead gorgeous (though she has serious self-esteem issues and doesn't understand how anyone could love her like I do). Enter the gut-wrenching feeling of loss, of self-recrimination, of  feeling like I'd done something wrong...it came to the point of her actually texting me a goodbye, which, thankfully, we averted by talking on the phone shortly after the text, with an agreement to create a list of "do's & don'ts" to guide our "friendship"

OK...enough back story...here are my thoughts and feelings, about which I would greatly appreciate any input from ANYONE who can relate, or has been where I am now:

I love this woman enough to put my sexuality aside and do my best to be the BEST friend she has ever had, abide by the "rules" and just enjoy her company and what affection she is able to offer. I have no idea if she is sex-repulsed, but I do know that she feels arousal (self-admitted), just has no desire to do anything about it, either with anyone or by herself, so I don't even know what "category" of asexual she might be. However, because of the mental issues, as well as the medication (SSRI's wreak havoc on the libido and sexual attraction portions of the brain) I'm having a hard time letting go of the hope and belief that there will come a day that she will feel desire and attraction for me on a sexual level. I would seriously like to make love to her, but I'm unsure that will ever be something that will happen. Meanwhile, the demons whisper in my ear. 

I've been looking for this woman my entire life...we both agree that we have lived together numerous times in past lives, and that it is our fate/karma/destiny to spend the rest of our lives together in this space/time and as I said, I'm going to try to do everything I can to ensure that outcome...I just need input and support from people on this site who can help me maneuver these waters...I feel like I'm drowning right now, both in unfamiliar depths, and the tears of my own self-pity...LOL

I'll be happy to clarify any questions this long-winded diatribe has raised...

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