EastCoastGirl Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 Hello Everyone! After many years of sexual struggle with my husband I realized I was asexual. I told my husband and he has been super supportive, but I worry about our relationship lasting. We have come to the conclusion that we will never have sex with each other again or when pigs fly! We have been together for ten years and my husband is my best friend; I can't imagine my life without him! Are there any other members in a similar situation? How do you make your relationship work so you are both satisfied and happy? Is anyone in a polyamorous relationship? Do you or your partner have sex with someone else? I'm just afraid regardless what direction we go one of us will end up resentful or hurt. Please feel free to offer any advice, share your story or pm me! Link to post Share on other sites
newgirl Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 I'm in an asexual/sexual" relationship". .I'm an asexual and my "boyfriend" is sexual. I've seen this man for 7 years.I told my "boyfriend" to find a woman to have intercourse but his fear of STD prevent him for fulfilling his needs . Right now, I wouldn't be surprised if he did cheat on me and i probably wouldn't care because I'm tired of hearing/debatingwith him "why i should like/enjoy intercourse or/and oral sex". Personally ,I do not know why this man is still around but me and him have something in common, we both do not have friends .(he has acquaintance . He's emotionally unattach but physical attach .I'm emotionally attach but physically unattach. Link to post Share on other sites
sampg91 Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 I've been with my girlfriend for 3 years. I'm sexual and she's asexual. Why did you two agree on no more sex? Are you sex repulsive? Did he not want to have sex with you because you don't really care for sex? My girlfriend and I don't have sex but we do sexual acts that makes both of us comfortable and happy. Don't do a polyamorus relationship because you want to band-aid one part of your marriage. Only do poly if you think it's what you both want to make your marriage better. Link to post Share on other sites
EastCoastGirl Posted March 23, 2016 Author Share Posted March 23, 2016 I'm in an asexual/sexual" relationship". .I'm an asexual and my "boyfriend" is sexual. I've seen this man for 7 years.I told my "boyfriend" to find a woman to have intercourse but his fear of STD prevent him for fulfilling his needs . Right now, I wouldn't be surprised if he did cheat on me and i probably wouldn't care because I'm tired of hearing/debatingwith him "why i should like/enjoy intercourse or/and oral sex". Personally ,I do not know why this man is still around but me and him have something in common, we both do not have friends .(he has acquaintance . He's emotionally unattach but physical attach .I'm emotionally attach but physically unattach. newgirl, I'm sorry to hear your boyfriend doesn't understand your sexual orientation. I hope he does not pressure you into anything you're uncomfortable doing. I hope I'm not imposing, but I don't understand why you are still with him if neither of you can offer the type of intimacy the other wants. Is it perhaps you are both scared to be alone after so many years? If you both want to be with each other and make your relationship work I would reccomend seeking a therapist who is well educated in asexuality. I hope whatever you do you find happiness! Link to post Share on other sites
EastCoastGirl Posted March 23, 2016 Author Share Posted March 23, 2016 I've been with my girlfriend for 3 years. I'm sexual and she's asexual. Why did you two agree on no more sex? Are you sex repulsive? Did he not want to have sex with you because you don't really care for sex? My girlfriend and I don't have sex but we do sexual acts that makes both of us comfortable and happy. Don't do a polyamorus relationship because you want to band-aid one part of your marriage. Only do poly if you think it's what you both want to make your marriage better. Thanks for your advice sampg91. I have become increasingly sex repulsed over the years which has caused sex to be extremely painful. I wish I wasn't this way. Do you mind if I ask you a little more about your own relationship? Did you know your girlfriend was asexual before you started dating? Do you truly find your sexual acts with her is enough? Are you satisfied? Link to post Share on other sites
Rippley Posted March 23, 2016 Share Posted March 23, 2016 I logged in here today to write a post which is pretty much identical to the one you have written except for the accepting a sexless marriage. My husband is having real difficulty with accepting it and so we are having a significant challenge after 16 years together. We too are best friends. It breaks my heart that I am hurting him so much. We are polyamorous in a sense. I didn't seek any other relationships. This worked for us for a time (this was before I knew I was asexual), His relationships were loving and fulfilling for all but we moved interstate and he no longer wants to have another partner. He only wants me and he craves the kind of intimacy and bonding with me that he can only feel with intercourse. I realised that I am asexual (actually repulsed by it, even seeing adverts of people in passionate embrace or kissing gives me the wiggins), after years of not knowing that my non existent sex drive and repulsion at any sexual contact was normal. Prior to this, we had sexual difficulties for several years that we thought were connected to my mental illness and drug treatments. I discovered a year ago that I am not broken when I found this wonderful community. This was - in one respect - a huge relief to me but also, the implication for our marriage was bad. When I 'came out' to him he was broken-hearted. He asked me to 'keep trying'. We were very close without sex for a time, and I have been seeing a counsellor fairly regularly for over a year now but we're at an impass. I don't think I'll ever 'get over it' and he doesn't think he could bear a sexless marriage. We have had sex recently, I got gloriously drunk on several occasions and was able to ignore my revulsion (I thought about other stuff the whole time) but even getting drunk now doesn't help. We've made an appointment with a marriage guidance counsellor. I honestly don't know what we are going to do, if there's anything that can work. We both already feel resentful. I'm sorry that I can't give you any advise but I am keen to read what others are replying. Thanks for your post. I hope you have a long and loving marriage. xxx Link to post Share on other sites
Aranea Posted March 23, 2016 Share Posted March 23, 2016 My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half. I'm ace, he's not. Just recently - literally in the last week - we've begun treading the waters of sex acts. When this all started, it felt completely natural, and while I was a bit tormented over a mental dialogue of 'do I want this/don't I want this', I ended up enjoying myself overall, and he certainly did as well. Our relationship obviously isn't as lengthy as yours but he is my best friend, too, and the one person I feel like I can confide in. He is very supporting, although he doesn't seem to fully grasp that this isn't something biological (he even asked if he thought it was some sort of chemical deficiency, which felt a bit invalidating, but he wasn't being malicious at all). He has expressed that he doesn't want anyone but me, although we've never discussed polygamy. I don't think I could bring myself to let him be with anyone else, and he isn't the type of person to want to be either, I don't think. Every now and again, even before all this, I would bring up my identity and it would open up a good discussion of questions and answers. These conversations are filled with assurances. They've happened immediately after both times we've explored, to put it delicately, and they were good conversations to have in those intimate moments. Maybe you and your husband can begin working on compromises? Not necessarily PVI but maybe something unique to you two - petting, mutual masturbation, even just sleeping together without clothes. If your husband loves you like my partner loves me, then he will be grateful for anything you are comfortable with offering, and he will respect anything you're not comfortable with. You two should also consider hashing out conversations regularly about asexuality, too, and be sure to remind and assure him that he's the one, you trust him, etc. I always tell my partner that I don't even feel sexually attracted to Beyonce, the actual queen of the world and goddess of my heart. This always makes him laugh. Humor is great for these kind of topics, too. I don't know if you are sex repulsed or not, but you can always look into alternatives to PVI; maybe you two can look them up together. And if polyamory/extramarital sex is what you two end up going with, be sure to establish ground rules like honesty and consent for all persons involved. Personally, I would avoid this route unless all else fails. Most importantly, have you told him about your concerns? If you haven't, you need to - and soon. While I'm beginning to enjoy the things my boyfriend and I are trying, I've still expressed my feelings of guilt/inadequacy to him, even in the moment. He's been nothing but supportive and assuring and appreciates the fact that I'm even trying at all. And if you two do end up working out some intimacy compromising, gratitude goes a long way. I constantly thank my partner for being as patient and understanding and respectful as he is. Those are qualities any person should have in any kind of relationship (and they may not warrant thank yous because they're the characteristics of a basic good human being), but aces are in a unique spot where this gratitude can be particularly impactful for our partners, and I've found that that emotional intimacy can go great lengths as well. Best of luck to you! Link to post Share on other sites
Chamomile2 Posted March 24, 2016 Share Posted March 24, 2016 I'm asexual female and in a relationship with a 'sexual' man. We've been seeing each other for 8 months and the difference in our sexuality is starting to show. I explained to him when I met him how things are with me - not having any sexual desires or feelings, he shrugged it off and said he liked me because we had a lot in common and got along well, which is true. We have the same goals and enjoy the same hobbies and such like. On the whole we get along perfectly except for the sex side. He is very needy and wants to be wrapped around me all the time. I've explained to him that 'needy' is ugly to me (I am very independant) I don't like a lot of physical contact, a quick hug and holding hands or linking arms is ok but I hate being smothered. I've explained this to him and he backs off for a few days but then just goes overboard and becomes overbearingly needy again by wrapping himself around me and trying to snog me knowing I hate it and it just ends in an argument. Then he appologises and everything is cool for a few more days. He can't stop talking about sex and says he feels sorry for me because I can't enjoy it, and keeps asking me "but why don't you like it", over and over and over he keeps repeating that question - it drives me insane. He recently asked me if I could manage to keep my feelings hidden and have sex with him on a regular basis as he doesn't want to see that I'm not enjoying it. I was horrified. I could not believe how selfish he was being. I find myself repeating the same conversation again and again about how I told him at the beginning I have no desire for a sexual relationship and that is never going to change. I am now starting to resent him although that is a shame because we get along so well in every other area. I've been in mixed sexuality relationships before and they have all ended the same way. I leave because of the pressure to be something I can't ever be. I struggle to find someone asexual and sexuals can't seem to accept sex is not the only enjoyment in life. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted March 24, 2016 Share Posted March 24, 2016 sexuals can't seem to accept sex is not the only enjoyment in life. Sigh. Link to post Share on other sites
sampg91 Posted March 24, 2016 Share Posted March 24, 2016 @Eastcoastgirl- She told me 5 Months into the relationship she told. I prefer to have sex but the sexual acts do the job for me. Link to post Share on other sites
sampg91 Posted March 24, 2016 Share Posted March 24, 2016 @Chamomile2- Did you tell him you're Touch repulsive? Sounds to me that you dont like being touched at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Chamomile2 Posted March 24, 2016 Share Posted March 24, 2016 sampg91 - I'm not sure if I am touch repulsive, I like to spoon at night in bed with a cuddle and I like to link arms or hold hands when walking and I do like little hugs, I like the occassional quick peck kiss but not long snogs I start to feel like I,m suffocating. It's when it goes on for too long I start to panic, is that touch repulsive? I'm not sure. Link to post Share on other sites
EastCoastGirl Posted March 25, 2016 Author Share Posted March 25, 2016 Rippley: I am so saddened to hear of the troubles in your marriage. I wish I had some advice for you, but as you're aware I have just as many questions as you. I truly hope you and your husband can find a solution that makes you both comfortable while having your needs met. I wish you all the luck in the world! Link to post Share on other sites
EastCoastGirl Posted March 25, 2016 Author Share Posted March 25, 2016 Aranea: Thank you so much for your advice! Yes, we have had several open dialogues about asexuality and what that means for the both of us. I am perfectly happy with our relationship as is, but I want to make sure he feels the same way. I am very happy you have found someone that understands you and treats you well. I hope you have a lifetime of happiness together! Link to post Share on other sites
EastCoastGirl Posted March 25, 2016 Author Share Posted March 25, 2016 Chamomile2: If life wasn't complicated enough! "He recently asked me if I could manage to keep my feelings hidden and have sex with him on a regular basis as he doesn't want to see that I'm not enjoying it. I was horrified. I could not believe how selfish he was being." -That is a horrible thing to suggest and you're totally right; that was super selfish! I don't think you're touch repulsive. I can relate. I like to hug and cuddle, in moderation! Sometimes my husband gets too snuggly. I start to feel claustrophobic and want to run away! I wonder if it's their way of wanting to be intimate without sex? I truly hope you find someone whom accepts you just the way you are. Maybe what your boyfriend said was just out of frustration and you can work through it. Best of luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Chamomile2 Posted March 25, 2016 Share Posted March 25, 2016 Hi Eastcoastgirl, I think your right about their need to be intimate, especially if they crave affection. My partner is a great guy and does try but craves affection which I can't fulfill. I do try but it's not enough. I hope things work out for you, you have been together a long time I'm sure he's as eager to make it work some how as you are. Why is sex so important to some people? I really don't understand what all the fuss is over Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted March 25, 2016 Share Posted March 25, 2016 I wonder if it's their way of wanting to be intimate without sex? Speaking as a sexual, yes it is - it's a pull to touch and be touched, kind of a decaffeinated version of sex, if that's not going to happen. It's agony to not have touch or sex. It sounds like I - and I'd guess most sexual people - find it kind of the inverse of your repulsion. When you say moderate, what do you mean, in terms of frequency, length, type of touch, etc.? Why is sex so important to some people? Where 'some'=99%, of course. There's a thread on this with a lot of sexual explaining it that you might find interesting. Link to post Share on other sites
EastCoastGirl Posted March 25, 2016 Author Share Posted March 25, 2016 Telecaster68: To be honest I don't even know what I mean by "in moderation". I like cuddling in bed, but when it's time to sleep I want all hands, legs, off. I hate being touched when I'm busy doing something or focusing on a task. I also detest being restricted in any way, but I don't think that has anything to do with my orientation. I love hugs, but only with my honey! Physical touch from others usually makes me extremely uncomfortable. I prefer non genital and breast touching, but I don't mind it sometimes if he's gentle. Link to post Share on other sites
MrDane Posted March 28, 2016 Share Posted March 28, 2016 I like sex! Im sexual. My wife is asexual, but ok with occasional sex! I like touching/cuddling/holding hands/carressing/ feeling her body, like when she moves past me in the doorway. I also like doing other things, like talking or a walk in the park or going on holiday together, but sex is like the icing on the cake. (And i know you asexuals like cake, rigth!?) My wife has started to turn away from most of the beforementioned and could easily do without sex ever. To me, it is a little like saying 'i love you, but i could easily do without ever talking to you again! ' well, i also like just being in the same room as her! Link to post Share on other sites
champagnerain Posted March 28, 2016 Share Posted March 28, 2016 I am in a relationship with a sexual person, and I am asexual. We have sex, which I do enjoy, but I see it as a bit of a hassle and I mostly do it because he wants to. I'd be okay with never doing it again if he miraculously decided one day that he was tired of it. I do deal with it by compromising and having sex, but I'm afraid that as more time passes, I'll become less willing to compromise. My partner says he wants to be with me and he'd be okay going without sex (and he doesn't mind taking care of his own needs sometimes, either), but I'm not sure how long that would last if I got totally tired of having sex. We have left the door open for possible non-monogamy if one of us wants to go outside of the relationship, but so far, it hasn't been an issue. I feel like it will become one down the road, though... Link to post Share on other sites
Samson411 Posted March 29, 2016 Share Posted March 29, 2016 I'm in the same boat. My guy is always asking me why I don't like sex and that I might like it if I try it. We really enjoy spending time together and talking about a vast variety of topics, but he just doesn't seem to listen to me when I tell him sex is off limits for me. Just want you to know I get where you're coming from and can only hope that if he cares, he will understand and try to respect your boundaries, and do your best to do the same in return. I'm sure however it plays out, it will be what's best. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueOpal Posted March 30, 2016 Share Posted March 30, 2016 I'm in the same boat as many of you. Almost 14 year marriage to a sexual. It has only been in the last six months or so that I figured out I'm ace. We have a great life with our 3 dogs, but I know my hubby wants PIV much more frequently than I'm comfortable with. I do often worry about our long term survivability with our dichotomy of sexual orientation, but we will take it one day at a time together. Link to post Share on other sites
EastCoastGirl Posted March 30, 2016 Author Share Posted March 30, 2016 I like sex! Im sexual. My wife is asexual, but ok with occasional sex! I like touching/cuddling/holding hands/carressing/ feeling her body, like when she moves past me in the doorway. I also like doing other things, like talking or a walk in the park or going on holiday together, but sex is like the icing on the cake. (And i know you asexuals like cake, rigth!?) My wife has started to turn away from most of the beforementioned and could easily do without sex ever. To me, it is a little like saying 'i love you, but i could easily do without ever talking to you again! ' well, i also like just being in the same room as her! Not really sure how you can compare asexuality to never wanting to speak with your spouse again! Of course I'm not sexual like you, but I feel it's basically the same as comparing intimate love and romance to random one night stands. I can understand how you perhaps feel rejected by your wife, but try and remember all the times she has been sexual; she did that just for you. Think of something you really hate doing or something that grosses you out. Now imagine your wife wants you to do that more than anything. Sure you may compromise and do it for a while, but eventually you will likely come to the same point your wife has. Link to post Share on other sites
EastCoastGirl Posted March 30, 2016 Author Share Posted March 30, 2016 Champagnerain, Samson411, and BlueOpal: Thank you for sharing your stories and offering advice! I am going to try and not worry about what may happen in the future and try to stay in the present. I know it is so important that we continue to communicate about this issue throughout our marriage, so we can resolve any issues right away. We have already made a few sexual compromises together and I am hopeful our relationship can navigate though these unique, yet not so unique circumstances. Link to post Share on other sites
Devon1967 Posted March 30, 2016 Share Posted March 30, 2016 Hi all I'm a male ace and my wife is very sexual I'm the same as all of you do things with my wife as a sexual person I don't find it remotely exciting she enjoys it but I get nothing from it and just like the cuddles not the sex. I have been with my wife for 25 years been married for 16 years and have children together I only found out about being ace very recently and I'm happy with myself I have a strong marriage and love her and she does me but I can't meet her needs I only had sex to please her and not for me if I didn't do it again I would be fine with that but she is sexual and I'm asexual. so we have opened up our marriage to swinging where she can meet other men for sex and has on a few occasions and I have allowed her to do this as she has her needs and I can't expect her to go without sex why should she it's not her fault I'm this way I didn't know that I never felt sexual attraction. she has been supported of me and been there through everything with me and she's not interested in the emotional side it's just sex plain and simple with them she has the emotional side with me they are like toys she has said that she plays with and when it's done she comes back home to me I know it's not for everyone but it seems to be working for us it's all done safe and protected I don't get jealous as I know she is getting the sexual attraction desire that I don't have and can't give to her and that's fine for us Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted March 30, 2016 Share Posted March 30, 2016 "Not really sure how you can compare asexuality to never wanting to speak with your spouse again" Not asexuality, but never wanting to have sex. Just like not wanting to talk, it removes something that most people see as vital to maintaining and affirming the relationship. Sexuals mostly feel as rejected and hurt and baffled by their partner never wanting to have sex with them as they would if they'd said they never wanted to talk to them ever again, but still saying it's nothing personal... Link to post Share on other sites
EastCoastGirl Posted March 31, 2016 Author Share Posted March 31, 2016 Devon1967: I am so happy your wife supports you and you have been able to continue making your marriage work. I am very happy for you! I wish you both all the happiness in the world! Link to post Share on other sites
EastCoastGirl Posted March 31, 2016 Author Share Posted March 31, 2016 Telecaster68: Okay, fair enough! I guess what I was getting hung up on is that you can't really have a relationship without talking, but you can have a relationship without sex. I am sorry you feel rejected. I'm sure most sexual parters have felt the same way at one time or another. Hopefully you can find some support here on Aven. Link to post Share on other sites
Devon1967 Posted April 1, 2016 Share Posted April 1, 2016 Thank you east coast girl we are living proof we have a relationship without sex me and my wife and yes it has been difficult to comprehend but because we are life partners from two different places me finding out I'm asexual and having to find out that I'm not sexually attracted to her was so painful for me. Because now I know and that I can't connect in that way because I'm asexual but like she told me and helped me by being there for me in every sense telling me it's not my fault it's how I'm made and nothing I can do about it that has helped me to accept who I am and I'm not broken and there is nothing wrong with me This is why I have so much love and respect for her and we took our vows for better or for worse I will do anything for her and this has made us a stronger bond she is very sexual and I'm not in any way wanting sex with her we kiss before bed and cuddle and she is completely fine with that and we connect on so many different levels She is able to get sexual gratification from outside our marriage she is very sexual and should be allowed to because she also has needs and needs to be able to have them needs met as this is not her fault that I'm asexual and why should she be the one that has to suffer for the way I'm made so I support her in the way she has me Link to post Share on other sites
Limerence Posted April 1, 2016 Share Posted April 1, 2016 My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years. He's sexual and I'm sex-indifferent asexual. We have certain days for him and certain ones for me. Last year, I went through a phase where I was sex-repulsed, and it was extremely difficult to get through. I was terrified that we'd break up. I mean, he's my best friend so I told him that he could have women on the side who he could fulfill himself with as long as he stayed with me. He refused to, which made it really hard. The only thing I can say is to keep communicating. It may take a long time to come to a consensus or work something out to where both of you can be happy. I can't fathom how scary it must be for you when you've been with someone for such a long time and not know where your future is headed. Best of luck! ^_^ Link to post Share on other sites
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