'Once in a Lifetime' Romantics?

[SpeedinThroughSpace]

Hey all. With dicovering asexuality also came the discovery that apparently romantic orientations can be separate from sexual feelings, and the whole concept of aromantism made me wonder.

Personally, I never had crushes as a teenager. I didn't understand the big deal about romance and dating. Then I fell in love with a girl, fast and deep and all. After her, I never again had any romantic feelings for anyone at all. I realized that, compared to my friends and peers, I don't seem to have the longing for a relationship. I don't actively want to have a romantic relationship, and while I find a lot of women visually appealing, I have never, aside of that one instance, felt anything romantic for them. I kind of feel like I don't even really get romance most of the time, or I tend to see it as a special sort of friendship. I easily relate to a lot of things aromantic people say on here. If it wasn't for that one time I fell in love, I might as well call myself aro, and for the last 10 years that would even be completely accurate. As it is, I suppose I am somewhat grey-aro.

Anyway. Before I knew about anything related to aromantism and such, I thought of myself as a 'once in a lifetime' romantic, a person who falls in love with one special person, and if they lose this person, they don't fall in love again. I know a few (much older than me) people that say there was always just their one significant other for them, and after this special person in their life died/left them/whatever, they never wanted to engage in romance again.

Would you call someone who falls in love once (or maybe twice or so) in a whole lifetime grey-aro? Really picky and idealistic? Unlucky in finding the 'right' partner?

Do or did some of you feel similar, like there was one person for you, and you never wanted anyone else before or after them?

[knout]

I can relate actually.

I discovered asexuality in my mid twenties and had never been in love so I thought I was aromantic. I fell in love with someone later on so that shook my initial belief but I was ok with it. Now, that person's gone and I don't really see how I'd fall for someone else, I've tried but I feel like there's baggage... Maybe it's because our first love is too intense, we're damn idealist romantic fools and don't know any better, so we believe it's "this lasts forever or never anyone else". I don't know honestly, I'd gladly remain alone for the rest of my life if I'd never get a feeling of loneliness or a craving for some emotional intimacy.

I just call myself stupid for being stuck or incapable of moving on. Being a "once in a lifetime romantic" sure sounds a hell of a lot better on my pricetag.

You know, back in the days, this was a pretty noble and chivalrous attitude... Now it's just stupidity. Either society's values changed and we didn't get the memo, or we are really picky and bad at compromises.

[SpeedinThroughSpace]

Now, that person's gone and I don't really see how I'd fall for someone else, I've tried but I feel like there's baggage... Maybe it's because our first love is too intense, we're damn idealist romantic fools and don't know any better, so we believe it's "this lasts forever or never anyone else". I don't know honestly, I'd gladly remain alone for the rest of my life if I'd never get a feeling of loneliness or a craving for some emotional intimacy.

I can relate to the part of our first love being too intense (isn't that how first love is for everyone?), and I'd also call myself an idealist, I idealize a lot of things that I probably shouldn't (love, friendship, a lot of other things...). Back when I was in love there definitely was this feeling of "this'll last forever"... Again, isn't that how it usually is? Input, romantics of AVEN?

I just call myself stupid for being stuck or incapable of moving on.

You know, I used to think I'm unable to move on, or not over her, or something like that. There was a real lot of heartbreak involved and it took me very long to get over it. But it's been ten years, I'm not grieving or depressed over her anymore. She's a memory, a fond one, too, sometimes a missed one, but it's very long ago that she was a memory that would make my heart bleed.

Still, I didn't think of getting a girlfriend again. Like in the time before that one romantic experience, it's just totally not on my radar. Romance is something that happens to other people, and I don't miss it. (This was something that triggered my putting some thought into my stance on romance and stuff, since everyone else seems so concerned about being in a relationship and I just feel like I couldn't care less.)

Being a "once in a lifetime romantic" sure sounds a hell of a lot better on my pricetag.

You know, back in the days, this was a pretty noble and chivalrous attitude... Now it's just stupidity. Either society's values changed and we didn't get the memo, or we are really picky and bad at compromises.

Feel free to adapt the term. This place easily has enough labels, but one more won't hurt, probably. ^_^

It's a rather typical element in both classical and modern romantic fiction, this idea of finding the one special someone. Also, a lot of people I know say that their married/long-term partner is their 'one' and people tend to be admiring these relationships for their commitment and all.

Just the cases where the relationship didn't last, if for one partner passing away or for one partner leaving the other, it's suddenly not special and romantic and amazing anymore, instead, there is this "you have to find someone else, you can't spend your whole life alone, you're still so young" attitude.

I think the idea of 'saving' yourself for a special person is still an idea that appeals to a number of people (maybe for the noble and chivalrous thing), but it comes with the implication that it's a conscious choice, that the person in question is keeping from getting into relationships before they know they found their special someone (or something along the lines of that). Part of that is kind of true for me, because I'm just not interested in a fling or something like it. But mostly, it's not a choice, it's no "I'm abstaining from dating until I find someone special". It's simply that I don't desire to find someone, and that I never had this desire. Romance found me although I wasn't looking for it at all. That happened once, and never again. Maybe it will happen again some time in my life. I'm not against it, I just don't wish for it either.

Now that I think about it again... Don't know how 'picky' can even really be applied to a thing like romantic feelings. It's not that anyone would go over a list of potential interests and evaluate how well they fit their criteria for a good match to fall in love with. You just fall in love with someone, or you don't. Being picky, again, would be a choice, right?

[luxurieux]

I can sort of relate.

I had a Something with someone over a span of a year or two, and he was it for me. There was just something that was so easy about being with him that still makes me nostalgic for it, even though it was almost 10 years ago. I'm not sad about it anymore, but I still can't help but feel like, if soulmates exist, that he was mine or at least one of them. I haven't felt that way about anyone since then, and sometimes I don't feel like I ever will, though I still hope, and I think that's part of the reason I consider myself demi or greyromantic rather than aromantic, because I do know what it feels like, and I do want that again someday. So I keep looking and trying but nothing ever feels right. I just don't feel those same romantic feelings for anyone, and it's frustrating as hell.

I did come close with another guy about 4 years ago. It was the closest thing to romantic love I've felt since then, but it was totally unreciprocated and he only saw me as a close friend. Eventually we stopped talking when he found a girlfriend and I was the first person he told. Dick move, but he somehow didn't know that I was interested, even though I'd made it really really obvious. Like really obvious. Like so obvious you have to be genuinely socially blind to not see it. But it wasn't love. I think it was mostly the potential for it, and it slipped away from me before it could become anything.