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Most Aces Don't Want Sex


emma-can

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....is the topic of this article (cw language)

https://thethinkingasexual.wordpress.com/2014/06/08/most-asexuals-dont-want-to-fuck-you/

which I found to be very compelling. And I read it just after I saw this post

https://www.facebook.com/lasophielabelle/posts/1717389411874523?comment_id=1717472485199549&reply_comment_id=1717488031864661&ref=notif&notif_t=share_reply

(which I hope you're able to see; let me know if you can't) I think there's a lot of legitimacy to this. I feel as though the "well aces will have sex sometimes" argument, while not necessarily, is used a lot as an attempt to "normalize" aces even though, from my observations, most of us are not really into having sex.

Thoughts?

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I disagree.

It think it should say that NO ace wants Sex.

They might like sex or find the sensation pleasant or they might want to please a partner or to get pregnant and have a baby; but no asexual wants sex. That is kind of the definition of asexuality, not having the potential to intrinsically desire sex with others.

Now, if we are talking about ace-spectrum gray sexuals in addition to asexual; then yes, gray sexuals can want sex.

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I disagree.

It think it should say that NO ace wants Sex.

They might lie sex or find the sensation pleasant or they might want to please a partner or to get pregnant and have a baby; but no asexual wants sex. That is kind of the definition of asexuality, not having the potential to intrinsically desire sex with others.

Now, if we are talking about ace-spectrum gray sexuals in addition to asexual; then yes, gray sexuals can want sex.

Agreed. If "asexual" doesn't communicate that sex isn't wanted, what's the point of the label?

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FlaafyTaffy

The main thing I didn't like from the article was this quote "If you care more about getting laid than you do about being an ethical, caring, loving human being and companion to an asexual,"... I mean while I agree that if sex is something really important to you and you need it in a relationship, then you shouldn't be in a monogamous relationship with an asexual person who you can't come to a compromise with, by no means does this mean the sexual person is uncaring, unloving, or unethical. Holy smokes. No one should be forced to be in a sexless relationship, people who want and need sex are not bad people. Just like no one should ever be forced into having sex to make their partner happy.

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Some asexuals want sex? Umm, what? Maybe if we're on about grey-asexuals or demisexuals, but not anyone else. An asexual that actively wants sex is not an asexual (Unless they're grey or demi). I'm sorry, but that just sounds completely contradictory.

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I disagree.

It think it should say that NO ace wants Sex.

They might lie sex or find the sensation pleasant or they might want to please a partner or to get pregnant and have a baby; but no asexual wants sex. That is kind of the definition of asexuality, not having the potential to intrinsically desire sex with others.

Now, if we are talking about ace-spectrum gray sexuals in addition to asexual; then yes, gray sexuals can want sex.

Agreed. If "asexual" doesn't communicate that sex isn't wanted, what's the point of the label?

Some asexuals want sex? Umm, what? Maybe if we're on about grey-asexuals or demisexuals, but not anyone else. An asexual that actively wants sex is not an asexual (Unless they're grey or demi). I'm sorry, but that just sounds completely contradictory.

Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa, let's just clear something up here please

(And I apologise in advance for the emphasis, I don't mean to be rude. I just need to make this very clear.)

Asexuality is a sexual orientation in which someone does not feel sexual attraction to anyone of any gender.

Sexual attraction and desire for sex are not the same thing. Sexual attraction is the ability to look at a person and identify that person as sexually appealing to oneself; to think, '[insert quality / qualities about that person here] make(s) me want to have sex with them'. Desire for sex​ is, well, exactly what it sounds like. It's just a desire for sexual activity in general. I don't have to be sexually attracted to anyone to desire sex -- and just because an asexual desires sex doesn't mean they desire it for reproductive purposes or to please a partner.

Unless you are a sex-averse asexual, it is perfectly possible to be asexual and​ to desire sex for no reason other than that it feels nice / can be a bonding experience.

And yes, one can actively desire sex with another person simply because they enjoy it! An asexual just won't choose a partner based on sexual attractiveness, because by definition an asexual does not find anyone* sexually attractive. Nothing about that is contradictory to the sexual orientation of asexuality.

* this won't always apply to grey-asexuals and demisexuals, who have a more complex and nuanced orientation. However, it is the general rule of thumb for asexuality.

Again, I apologise for the huge text and everything. I just feel like this can't be emphasised enough -- if asexuals themselves can't get this straight, how can we ever hope to be understood by non-asexuals?

(Non-asexuals as a whole, at least. Already there are many non-asexual individuals who do understand and I don't mean to discount them; they're wonderful ^_^)

^ FoxEars ^

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Some asexuals want sex? Umm, what? Maybe if we're on about grey-asexuals or demisexuals, but not anyone else. An asexual that actively wants sex is not an asexual (Unless they're grey or demi). I'm sorry, but that just sounds completely contradictory.

Well, I am finding a lot of people on other sites that identify as asexual - but their version of asexual is say... sapiosexual, demisexual, etc. So they just say "I am asexual", then explain they want sex and how and what conditions once you get further in. Including some saying sex weekly is required for any healthy relationship.

... which is a tad confusing, if I am being honest. o.O But, I suppose if the article is trying to include grey/demi etc with the asexual label that could be why.

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I disagree.

It think it should say that NO ace wants Sex.

They might lie sex or find the sensation pleasant or they might want to please a partner or to get pregnant and have a baby; but no asexual wants sex. That is kind of the definition of asexuality, not having the potential to intrinsically desire sex with others.

Now, if we are talking about ace-spectrum gray sexuals in addition to asexual; then yes, gray sexuals can want sex.

Agreed. If "asexual" doesn't communicate that sex isn't wanted, what's the point of the label?

Some asexuals want sex? Umm, what? Maybe if we're on about grey-asexuals or demisexuals, but not anyone else. An asexual that actively wants sex is not an asexual (Unless they're grey or demi). I'm sorry, but that just sounds completely contradictory.

Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa, let's just clear something up here please

(And I apologise in advance for the emphasis, I don't mean to be rude. I just need to make this very clear.)

Asexuality is a sexual orientation in which someone does not feel sexual attraction to anyone of any gender.

* this won't always apply to grey-asexuals and demisexuals, who have a more complex and nuanced orientation. However, it is the general rule of thumb for asexuality.

Sexual attraction and desire for sex are not the same thing. Sexual attraction is the ability to look at a person and identify that person as sexually appealing to oneself; to think, '[insert quality / qualities about that person here] make(s) me want to have sex with them'. Desire for sex​ is, well, exactly what it sounds like. It's just a desire for sexual activity in general. I don't have to be sexually attracted to anyone to desire sex -- and just because an asexual desires sex doesn't mean they desire it for reproductive purposes or to please a partner.

Unless you are a sex-averse asexual, it is perfectly possible to be asexual and​ to desire sex for no reason other than that it feels nice / can be a bonding experience. And yes, one can actively desire sex with another person simply because they enjoy it! An asexual just won't choose a partner based on sexual attractiveness, because by definition an asexual does not find anyone* sexually attractive. Nothing about that is contradictory to the sexual orientation of asexuality.

Again, I apologise for the huge text and everything. I just feel like this can't be emphasised enough -- if asexuals themselves can't get this straight, how can we ever hope to be understood by non-asexuals?

(Non-asexuals as a whole, at least. Already there are many non-asexual individuals who do understand and I don't mean to discount them; they're wonderful ^_^)

^ FoxEars ^

I'm sorry, but I still don't see it. You're picking apart different sexual thoughts/feelings unnecessarily. Being asexual means you don't want sex. I mean, if that's your definition of being asexual, then I'm not demi, I'm totally ace. I have never seen someone and thought they looked sexually appealing. NEVER. But what I define as sexual attraction is the urge to have sex. That, I have experienced, and I consider that sexual attraction.

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Some asexuals want sex? Umm, what? Maybe if we're on about grey-asexuals or demisexuals, but not anyone else. An asexual that actively wants sex is not an asexual (Unless they're grey or demi). I'm sorry, but that just sounds completely contradictory.

Well, I am finding a lot of people on other sites that identify as asexual - but their version of asexual is say... sapiosexual, demisexual, etc. So they just say "I am asexual", then explain they want sex and how and what conditions once you get further in. Including some saying sex weekly is required for any healthy relationship.

... which is a tad confusing, if I am being honest. o.O But, I suppose if the article is trying to include grey/demi etc with the asexual label that could be why.

This whole asexual spectrum thing is a nightmare. Unless you're hypersexual, you're on the asexual spectrum, basically.

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@Fox Ears

Very much no. An asexual is a person who does not innately desire sex for ones own sexual or emotinal pleasure. Attraction based definitions are extremely problamatic. I'm not in the mood to explain, i know someone else will.

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I disagree.

It think it should say that NO ace wants Sex.

They might lie sex or find the sensation pleasant or they might want to please a partner or to get pregnant and have a baby; but no asexual wants sex. That is kind of the definition of asexuality, not having the potential to intrinsically desire sex with others.

Now, if we are talking about ace-spectrum gray sexuals in addition to asexual; then yes, gray sexuals can want sex.

Agreed. If "asexual" doesn't communicate that sex isn't wanted, what's the point of the label?

Some asexuals want sex? Umm, what? Maybe if we're on about grey-asexuals or demisexuals, but not anyone else. An asexual that actively wants sex is not an asexual (Unless they're grey or demi). I'm sorry, but that just sounds completely contradictory.

Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa, let's just clear something up here please

(And I apologise in advance for the emphasis, I don't mean to be rude. I just need to make this very clear.)

Asexuality is a sexual orientation in which someone does not feel sexual attraction to anyone of any gender.

Sexual attraction and desire for sex are not the same thing. Sexual attraction is the ability to look at a person and identify that person as sexually appealing to oneself; to think, '[insert quality / qualities about that person here] make(s) me want to have sex with them'. Desire for sex​ is, well, exactly what it sounds like. It's just a desire for sexual activity in general. I don't have to be sexually attracted to anyone to desire sex -- and just because an asexual desires sex doesn't mean they desire it for reproductive purposes or to please a partner.

Unless you are a sex-averse asexual, it is perfectly possible to be asexual and​ to desire sex for no reason other than that it feels nice / can be a bonding experience.

And yes, one can actively desire sex with another person simply because they enjoy it!

I could not disagree with you more.

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Some asexuals want sex? Umm, what? Maybe if we're on about grey-asexuals or demisexuals, but not anyone else. An asexual that actively wants sex is not an asexual (Unless they're grey or demi). I'm sorry, but that just sounds completely contradictory.

Well, I am finding a lot of people on other sites that identify as asexual - but their version of asexual is say... sapiosexual, demisexual, etc. So they just say "I am asexual", then explain they want sex and how and what conditions once you get further in. Including some saying sex weekly is required for any healthy relationship.

... which is a tad confusing, if I am being honest. o.O But, I suppose if the article is trying to include grey/demi etc with the asexual label that could be why.

This whole asexual spectrum thing is a nightmare. Unless you're hypersexual, you're on the asexual spectrum, basically.

I was out of boredom curiosity browsing OKcupid for ace males, just to see what's out there. All the ones that were compatible on a personality level, all said they LOVE sex and need it in a relationship and would not be OK dating a person who experiences no sexual attraction to either gender and is not interested in sex. My lack of sexual desire/attraction is totally a deal breaker to all the compatible aces in the U.S. on the site. I found it slightly amusing.

So... yeah, it can make things confusing.

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Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa, let's just clear something up here please

(And I apologise in advance for the emphasis, I don't mean to be rude. I just need to make this very clear.)

Asexuality is a sexual orientation in which someone does not feel sexual attraction to anyone of any gender.

* this won't always apply to grey-asexuals and demisexuals, who have a more complex and nuanced orientation. However, it is the general rule of thumb for asexuality.

Sexual attraction and desire for sex are not the same thing. Sexual attraction is the ability to look at a person and identify that person as sexually appealing to oneself; to think, '[insert quality / qualities about that person here] make(s) me want to have sex with them'. Desire for sex​ is, well, exactly what it sounds like. It's just a desire for sexual activity in general. I don't have to be sexually attracted to anyone to desire sex -- and just because an asexual desires sex doesn't mean they desire it for reproductive purposes or to please a partner.

Unless you are a sex-averse asexual, it is perfectly possible to be asexual and​ to desire sex for no reason other than that it feels nice / can be a bonding experience. And yes, one can actively desire sex with another person simply because they enjoy it! An asexual just won't choose a partner based on sexual attractiveness, because by definition an asexual does not find anyone* sexually attractive. Nothing about that is contradictory to the sexual orientation of asexuality.

Again, I apologise for the huge text and everything. I just feel like this can't be emphasised enough -- if asexuals themselves can't get this straight, how can we ever hope to be understood by non-asexuals?

(Non-asexuals as a whole, at least. Already there are many non-asexual individuals who do understand and I don't mean to discount them; they're wonderful ^_^)

^ FoxEars ^

Sexual attraction is nothing more than a synonym for sexual desire. They are in fact, the same exact thing.

http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/131514-not-sure-if-asexual-confused/?p=1061537468

In fact, you say so yourself:

to think, '[insert quality / qualities about that person here] make(s) me want to have sex with them

You say sexual attraction makes you want to have sex. You say sexual desire is wanting to have sex. Distinction without a difference.

I don't have to be sexually attracted to anyone to desire sex

But you do have to have sexual desire to be sexually attracted to someone. If one lacks desire, that one is asexual.

and just because an asexual desires sex doesn't mean they desire it for reproductive purposes or to please a partner.

So you are saying that if one were to strip all outside influences and left a person completely controlled by instinct that an asexual person would want and willing seek out and have sex?

Umm, why even call that person asexual in the first place?

Again, I apologise for the huge text and everything. I just feel like this can't be emphasised enough -- if asexuals themselves can't get this straight, how can we ever hope to be understood by non-asexuals?

(Non-asexuals as a whole, at least. Already there are many non-asexual individuals who do understand and I don't mean to discount them; they're wonderful ^_^)

I agree which is why I think it is important to point out that asexuality is about lacking the potential to intrinsically desire sex with others.

All that said, I apologize if I come off as a know-it all or insulting. I am trying to be matter of fact and often come off badly. I mean no offense to you in any way.

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@Fox Ears

Very much no. An asexual is a person who does not innately desire sex for ones own sexual or emotinal pleasure. Attraction based definitions are extremely problamatic. I'm not in the mood to explain, i know someone else will.

You're thinking of nonlibidoist, I think. Not all asexuals are nonlibidoists and vice versa.

I disagree.

It think it should say that NO ace wants Sex.

They might lie sex or find the sensation pleasant or they might want to please a partner or to get pregnant and have a baby; but no asexual wants sex. That is kind of the definition of asexuality, not having the potential to intrinsically desire sex with others.

Now, if we are talking about ace-spectrum gray sexuals in addition to asexual; then yes, gray sexuals can want sex.

Agreed. If "asexual" doesn't communicate that sex isn't wanted, what's the point of the label?

Some asexuals want sex? Umm, what? Maybe if we're on about grey-asexuals or demisexuals, but not anyone else. An asexual that actively wants sex is not an asexual (Unless they're grey or demi). I'm sorry, but that just sounds completely contradictory.

Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa, let's just clear something up here please

(And I apologise in advance for the emphasis, I don't mean to be rude. I just need to make this very clear.)

Asexuality is a sexual orientation in which someone does not feel sexual attraction to anyone of any gender.

* this won't always apply to grey-asexuals and demisexuals, who have a more complex and nuanced orientation. However, it is the general rule of thumb for asexuality.

Sexual attraction and desire for sex are not the same thing. Sexual attraction is the ability to look at a person and identify that person as sexually appealing to oneself; to think, '[insert quality / qualities about that person here] make(s) me want to have sex with them'. Desire for sex​ is, well, exactly what it sounds like. It's just a desire for sexual activity in general. I don't have to be sexually attracted to anyone to desire sex -- and just because an asexual desires sex doesn't mean they desire it for reproductive purposes or to please a partner.

Unless you are a sex-averse asexual, it is perfectly possible to be asexual and​ to desire sex for no reason other than that it feels nice / can be a bonding experience. And yes, one can actively desire sex with another person simply because they enjoy it! An asexual just won't choose a partner based on sexual attractiveness, because by definition an asexual does not find anyone* sexually attractive. Nothing about that is contradictory to the sexual orientation of asexuality.

Again, I apologise for the huge text and everything. I just feel like this can't be emphasised enough -- if asexuals themselves can't get this straight, how can we ever hope to be understood by non-asexuals?

(Non-asexuals as a whole, at least. Already there are many non-asexual individuals who do understand and I don't mean to discount them; they're wonderful ^_^)

^ FoxEars ^

I'm sorry, but I still don't see it. You're picking apart different sexual thoughts/feelings unnecessarily. Being asexual means you don't want sex. I mean, if that's your definition of being asexual, then I'm not demi, I'm totally ace. I have never seen someone and thought they looked sexually appealing. NEVER. But what I define as sexual attraction is the urge to have sex. That, I have experienced, and I consider that sexual attraction.

I'm not picking them apart unnecessarily, because they're different things. I'm not making this up; sexual orientation and desire for sex have been recognised as two totally separate concepts since before I was born.

I do not experience sexual attraction. To anyone. Ever. That said, and sorry if this is TMI, I do from time to time desire some sort of sexual activity. I can't look at a person and think, 'that person makes me want sexual things' or 'I want to do sexual things with that person specifically' (I mean, I kind of can at the moment because I'm in a committed relationship; but while single, I couldn't).

Desire for sex isn't a driving force in my life or anything. But it's definitely there. And I'm definitely asexual -- not grey or demi, but purely asexual. These are not incompatible or contradictory to one another.

Ultimately my point boils down to this: you can be entirely on the 100%-ace end of the asexual spectrum (i.e., not grey or demi or anything), and still fall anywhere on the libido spectrum -- from being a nonlibidoist, to having a major, out-of-control, intense libido. This is a common truth you'll see all over AVEN and other asexual websites, books, etc. -- orientation and libido are not the same thing.

^ FoxEars ^

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No, non-libidoists don't fap (well, some can, they just don't desire to). Most asexuals (and allosexuals) fap. Masturbation is not sex.

The definition on the banner was dictated by the creator of this site to be attraction based. When he talks about the definition of asexuality he explicitly means an asexual does not desire sex. The site's FAQ also says this with defining sexual attraction as "desiring sex with someone." The only reason it became the main definition of asexuality was because this site became the main asexual site, and that was never the creator's intention; he expected there to be other definitions of it and that we would eventually get to a meeting point on it.

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Member54880

Are wanting, and desiring sex, being used interchangeably? I see them as separate things: desiring sex is intrinsically, and unconsciously desiring sex with someone as an end in itself, which is different from actually wanting, or being willing to have sex or not. Some asexuals may find sex enjoyable and be open to it under some circumstances; they could be willing, but don't intrinsically desire it with the other person. As mentioned in the original post of this thread, one problem with talking about this is when the numbers of sex-favorable vs. indifferent vs. repulsed/averse asexuals isn't accurately represented, and someone shouldn't assume that because some asexuals are open to the idea of sex, that their partner must be.

Conversely, there are non-asexuals who are sex-repulsed or averse. They intrinsically desire it, but consciously don't want sex, and don't want to act on those desires under any circumstances.

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want and desire are synonyms

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You're thinking of nonlibidoist, I think. Not all asexuals are nonlibidoists and vice versa.

Not desiring sex does not make one a non-libidoist. Not being able to get physically aroused makes one a non-libidoist. One can get aroused and not desire sex.

Ultimately my point boils down to this: you can be entirely on the 100%-ace end of the asexual spectrum (i.e., not grey or demi or anything), and still fall anywhere on the libido spectrum -- from being a nonlibidoist, to having a major, out-of-control, intense libido. This is a common truth you'll see all over AVEN and other asexual websites, books, etc. -- orientation and libido are not the same thing.

Lack of sexual desire does not mean lack of libido. It simply means you don't ever want to have sex with others. Arousal/libido is taken care of through other means.

By the way, if you check on Aven and these other sites you will see that they pretty much define sexual attraction as sexual desire. Proof:

http://www.asexuality.org/home/?q=general.html#def

Sexual attraction: Desire to have sexual contact with someone else, to share our sexuality with them.

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Sexual attraction is nothing more than a synonym for sexual desire. They are in fact, the same exact thing.

To be blunt, this is simply false. Sexual attraction is a desire to have sex with a specific person. Sexual desire doesn't necessarily have to be directed at any particular person; rather, it's simply a desire to engage in sexual activity. You don't have to find anyone sexually attractive to want sexual activity.

In fact, you say so yourself:

to think, '[insert quality / qualities about that person here] make(s) me want to have sex with them

You say sexual attraction makes you want to have sex. You say sexual desire is wanting to have sex. Distinction without a difference.

I don't have to be sexually attracted to anyone to desire sex

But you do have to have sexual desire to be sexually attracted to someone. If one lacks desire, that one is asexual.

You're placing emphasis on the wrong part of what I said. (That underlining is not my own, and not the part of the sentence I would have underlined). I apologise in advance for internet-shouting, but just for clarity, I'm going to use capitals to show what I intended to be emphasised: 'to think, '[insert quality / qualities about that person here] make(s) me want to have sex WITH THEM''.

That is, in essence, the difference between sexual desire and sexual attraction. Sexual desire could be something like, 'I'm really in the mood for oral sex'. Sexual attraction would be something along the lines of, '[insert specific individual here] makes me want to have oral sex with them'. (Or not just one individual, if you're into group stuff. Whatever floats your boat.)

^ FoxEars ^

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Not being able to get physically aroused makes one a non-libidoist.

Actually no, someone can still desire to do sexual acts to someone without ever experiencing sexual arousal. They can also get sexually aroused but not desire to act on it. As i said, it just means they don't desire to masturbate, which may also include haveing sex (as allosexuals can be non-libidoists; which may sound like it's for religous reasons, but they genuinely don't desire to physically do it). And some asexual non-libidoists do sexually compromise.

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Confusion 0

I'm not picking them apart unnecessarily, because they're different things. I'm not making this up; sexual orientation and desire for sex have been recognised as two totally separate concepts since before I was born.

I do not experience sexual attraction. To anyone. Ever. That said, and sorry if this is TMI, I do from time to time desire some sort of sexual activity. I can't look at a person and think, 'that person makes me want sexual things' or 'I want to do sexual things with that person specifically' (I mean, I kind of can at the moment because I'm in a committed relationship; but while single, I couldn't).

Desire for sex isn't a driving force in my life or anything. But it's definitely there. And I'm definitely asexual -- not grey or demi, but purely asexual. These are not incompatible or contradictory to one another.

Ultimately my point boils down to this: you can be entirely on the 100%-ace end of the asexual spectrum (i.e., not grey or demi or anything), and still fall anywhere on the libido spectrum -- from being a nonlibidoist, to having a major, out-of-control, intense libido. This is a common truth you'll see all over AVEN and other asexual websites, books, etc. -- orientation and libido are not the same thing.

^ FoxEars ^

No. I have a libido, but don't want sex. Libido doesn't make you want sex. If you desire sex from time to time, then you are grey. If you desire sex once you have a feeling of closeness with someone, then you're demi. If you never want sex, you're a pure, 100% asexual.

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You're thinking of nonlibidoist, I think. Not all asexuals are nonlibidoists and vice versa.

Not desiring sex does not make one a non-libidoist. Not being able to get physically aroused makes one a non-libidoist. One can get aroused and not desire sex.

Plenty of non-libidoists can get physically aroused. That's just your body responding to something. Arousal to a non-libidoist just doesn't come with the urge to do anything with that arousal. Bodies still work the same though (most people if you touch them, their body will respond with the blood flow increase and all that) and we're not incapable of doing it (whereas, if we literally could not get aroused, sexual activity would be quite ... uncomfortable).

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You're thinking of nonlibidoist, I think. Not all asexuals are nonlibidoists and vice versa.

Not desiring sex does not make one a non-libidoist. Not being able to get physically aroused makes one a non-libidoist. One can get aroused and not desire sex.

I do understand what a nonlibidoist is, I was just trying to make sense of what Star Bit had said.

Ultimately my point boils down to this: you can be entirely on the 100%-ace end of the asexual spectrum (i.e., not grey or demi or anything), and still fall anywhere on the libido spectrum -- from being a nonlibidoist, to having a major, out-of-control, intense libido. This is a common truth you'll see all over AVEN and other asexual websites, books, etc. -- orientation and libido are not the same thing.

Lack of sexual desire does not mean lack of libido. It simply means you don't ever want to have sex with others. Arousal/libido is taken care of through other means.

By the way, if you check on Aven and these other sites you will see that they pretty much define sexual attraction as sexual desire. Proof:

http://www.asexuality.org/home/?q=general.html#def

Sexual attraction: Desire to have sexual contact with someone else, to share our sexuality with them.

That definition of sexual attraction is spot-on. I agree with it completely. My point is that that is not the same thing as sexual desire.

^ FoxEars ^

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I can't look at a person and think, 'that person makes me want sexual things' or 'I want to do sexual things with that person specifically' (I mean, I kind of can at the moment because I'm in a committed relationship; but while single, I couldn't).

Desire for sex isn't a driving force in my life or anything. But it's definitely there. And I'm definitely asexual -- not grey or demi, but purely asexual. These are not incompatible or contradictory to one another.

So, despite experiencing totally normal sexuality, you consider yourself asexual because you don't experience one single aspect of sexuality? You do realize that something like 60% of sexual women never experience the "look at someone, want to have sex" phenomena, right? So, that's great that you're not in the 40% of women who experience desire based on visual cues from another person, but that certainly does not make you asexual. I've never in my life wanted to have sex with someone I just saw with my eyes. I have, however, chosen to have sex with those people because I wanted to have sex. That is absolutely, 100%, sexual.

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I'm not picking them apart unnecessarily, because they're different things. I'm not making this up; sexual orientation and desire for sex have been recognised as two totally separate concepts since before I was born.

I do not experience sexual attraction. To anyone. Ever. That said, and sorry if this is TMI, I do from time to time desire some sort of sexual activity. I can't look at a person and think, 'that person makes me want sexual things' or 'I want to do sexual things with that person specifically' (I mean, I kind of can at the moment because I'm in a committed relationship; but while single, I couldn't).

Desire for sex isn't a driving force in my life or anything. But it's definitely there. And I'm definitely asexual -- not grey or demi, but purely asexual. These are not incompatible or contradictory to one another.

Ultimately my point boils down to this: you can be entirely on the 100%-ace end of the asexual spectrum (i.e., not grey or demi or anything), and still fall anywhere on the libido spectrum -- from being a nonlibidoist, to having a major, out-of-control, intense libido. This is a common truth you'll see all over AVEN and other asexual websites, books, etc. -- orientation and libido are not the same thing.

^ FoxEars ^

No. I have a libido, but don't want sex. Libido doesn't make you want sex. If you desire sex from time to time, then you are grey. If you desire sex once you have a feeling of closeness with someone, then you're demi. If you never want sex, you're a pure, 100% asexual.

Libido is technically defined as sexual desire or sexual drive (by sources inside and outside AVEN alike), but okay ....

But no. I am not grey or demi, just because I sometimes desire sex. I could only be grey or demi if I, under certain circumstances, experienced sexual attraction. And that is something that I do not do. I never have. I can't.

Sexual orientation is about to whom you are (or aren't) attracted, not about what you do -- or even what you feel like doing.

^ FoxEars ^

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Ok, Fox Ears, the point of asexuality is pretty much to define what allosexuals are not. Who else to know what allosexuals are but allosexuals on this site. And acording to those people half (if not more) of the the allosexual population has NEVER expereienced sexual attraction and desires sex for other reasons. Innately desiring sex period is what makes an allosexual person. You're also new. How long have we been on here and most likely know more than you? In germany they don't have such attraction definitions; all orientations are defined with desire and is what factually makes them so. People just use attraction phrases because they're neat basically. Somehow they became popular. *shrugs*

And Gray-A is a term for WHEN someone desires sex that differs from the norm.

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I'm not picking them apart unnecessarily, because they're different things. I'm not making this up; sexual orientation and desire for sex have been recognised as two totally separate concepts since before I was born.

I do not experience sexual attraction. To anyone. Ever. That said, and sorry if this is TMI, I do from time to time desire some sort of sexual activity. I can't look at a person and think, 'that person makes me want sexual things' or 'I want to do sexual things with that person specifically' (I mean, I kind of can at the moment because I'm in a committed relationship; but while single, I couldn't).

Desire for sex isn't a driving force in my life or anything. But it's definitely there. And I'm definitely asexual -- not grey or demi, but purely asexual. These are not incompatible or contradictory to one another.

Ultimately my point boils down to this: you can be entirely on the 100%-ace end of the asexual spectrum (i.e., not grey or demi or anything), and still fall anywhere on the libido spectrum -- from being a nonlibidoist, to having a major, out-of-control, intense libido. This is a common truth you'll see all over AVEN and other asexual websites, books, etc. -- orientation and libido are not the same thing.

^ FoxEars ^

No. I have a libido, but don't want sex. Libido doesn't make you want sex. If you desire sex from time to time, then you are grey. If you desire sex once you have a feeling of closeness with someone, then you're demi. If you never want sex, you're a pure, 100% asexual.

Libido is technically defined as sexual desire or sexual drive (by sources inside and outside AVEN alike), but okay ....

This is true. However, sexual drive includes masturbation in every medical study I have read, as well as sexual drive towards partnered sexual activities. In the medical studies of asexuals I have read, they said the libido (sex drive) of asexuals was normal levels. But, the desire for partnered sexual activity was significantly lower than normal. Libido doesn't just mean partnered sex drive.

And note: I am not saying you are not asexual. You get to choose your own label, not any of us. But... you are confusing lack of desire for partnered sexual activity and lack of libido. :)

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Confusion 0

Libido is technically defined as sexual desire or sexual drive (by sources inside and outside AVEN alike), but okay ....

But no. I am not grey or demi, just because I sometimes desire sex. I could only be grey or demi if I, under certain circumstances, experienced sexual attraction. And that is something that I do not do. I never have. I can't.

Sexual orientation is about to whom you are (or aren't) attracted, not about what you do -- or even what you feel like doing.

^ FoxEars ^

No... Libido is the physical feeling/need for sexual release. I have a libido. It literally makes me need some form of release. It doesn't make me want to have sex with someone.

And I'm sure there are actually a lot of allosexuals out there who don't really find anyone sexually appealing.

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Sexual orientation is about to whom you are (or aren't) attracted, not about what you do -- or even what you feel like doing.

What benefit do you get from using a label which runs completely contrary to your desires and behaviors?

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That's the problem with the vague word sexual

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