Question about crushes/romantic orientation?

[Spud]

Alright so this is probably going to contain wayyyy too much information and be overly long. So in advance, I'd like to say sorry for that. But I've had a topic that has been bothering me for a few months now, and is part of the reason I made an account on here. I kind of delayed asking about it because I thought I might figure it out myself after a while, but I've waited a week and I still need clarification, help, or advice.

So, let me start off by saying I'm 13 year-old, turning 14 in less than two weeks. I know a lot of people think I'm to know my sexuality right now, but I don't really care. All of my labels are VERY subject to change, but for now, I just use them as a way to identify my experiences to other people without needing to go into an hour-long discussion about my life and feelings. The one thing I'm very confused about is: romantic orientation. Although I'm guessing that was already obvious from the forum this was in, question title, and my profile.

So, until a few months ago, I have had no crushes or romantic feelings whatsoever. I never understood what people meant when they said they wanted to date someone or that they "had a crush." Around 4th and 5th grade, I even thought they were all just making it up to look cool (which some people were when they were already "dating" at that age, but that's a whole different topic to get into). But recently, I've been feeling really confused about the differences between friendship or platonic feelings, and romantic feelings. I've been wondering about my feelings towards one person in particular, my friend, who is a girl (at least for the convenience of this post).

I started looking a lot of this up and searched through the forums, but I still haven't been able to find a conclusive answer, and there probably isn't one. But I learned about "sensual attraction," and I'm fairly sure I have that towards her, sans the kissing (I think kissing is kind of gross). I feel really happy when hugging her, being physically close to her, or anything like that. Definitely more than my other friends, and most certainly more than strangers or guys who are my friends. I also have been hanging around her a lot. And when I started thinking that I might have a crush, I got a giant butterfly feeling in my stomach, but I'm not sure if it was because I thought I might have a crush, or because of her. I also noticed that eye contact with her, even though she's probably my first or second best friend, has become increasingly awkward. But normally, when I'm around her, I don't feel noticeably different apart from those two things. I guess these would be obvious signs if she wasn't already one of my best friends.

It is probably also worth mentioning that she is bisexual, and my other friends have started to annoyingly "ship" us. It gets really weird sometimes. And my other friend, who is also bi (I have a lot of bi friends apparently), asked me out and I knew for certain I was not romantically attracted to her, even though she is pretty much my best friend. But when I think of how I would react if she asked me out, I get really nervous and I'm really not sure.

Everything has been really confusing for me. I know that this is probably not a very uncommon experience, but I really kind of wanted to vent a little. Sorry for this post being all over this place and the fact that it probably contains numerous grammatical and spelling errors, but I was basically furiously typing and thinking about this for like 15 minutes. Does anyone have any advice or thoughts?

[Star Bit]

There are 6 types of attraction. They're all typically felt with romantic attraction (and why there can be confusion between attractions) but they aren't needed to make it valid. They can all be felt separately, without romantic attraction, and in different combinations. The desire to act in a certain way can also be separate from the attraction (e.g. sexual attraction with no desire to act on it).

· Sexual attraction - the impulse/compulsion to have sex with a specific person; to do genital involving things to their body.

· Romantic attraction - an emotion; so it doesn't translate well into words, but it can be inadequately put as soft/warm/fuzzy feelings with some degree of fixation (at least in comparison to one's normality with others). Some people have a physical reaction to the feeling and others don’t (i.e. butterflies in their stomach, heart rate increase, blushing, etc. [though those are also symptoms of platonic nervousness]). Others may react mentally with a dreamy mindset, anxious euphoria, infatuation, romantic fantasies, etc.

· Aesthetic attraction - the pull to look at someone because of their looks and or mannerisms. It's different from recognizing good looks/what is aesthetically pleasing.

· Emotional attraction - the fixation on someone because of their emotions (optimism, stoicness, etc.), and by extent personality. I would compare it to having a favorite character or admirance.

· Sensual attraction - the impulse to have non-genital physical contact with someone specific. Platonically displaying this above the norm qualifies as a type of queerplatonic relationship (QPR). I would compare it to how many people have the urge to act toward their pets. Though this term is typically applied to other humans. There are 3 forms of sensual attraction; platonic, romantic (which only differ by chaste kissing), and sexual (in the sense that it’s done for sexual arousal, not because it includes sex/genital contact --and it’s still under asexuality as a kink).

· Platonic attraction - (aka a squish; a play on the romantic word crush) the impulse to know or befriend someone specific. The desired bond can vary from being friends, to close friends, to best friends.

· And it's possible to find someone charming without romantic attraction. (look up charming's definition/synonyms for further clarification)

· It’s also possible to feel queerplatonically about someone. A queerplatonic relationship (or one sided, a 'queerplatonic squish' aka 'queerplatonic crush') is emotionally platonic (i.e. has no romantic attraction) but has (or desires to have a relationship that has) the characteristic(s) associated with a romantic relationship. It can be an importance/closeness stronger than the best friend norm, and or displaying platonic sensual attraction above the norm (only differing from romantic sensual attraction with chaste kissing, although preferring chaste kissing or no kissing does not make one’s feelings unromantic). They may or may not have monogamy, live together, have kids, or look like a couple to the public. Romantics and Aromantics can have QPRs. An example would be Turk and JD from Scrubs.

(The following is currently under some definitions of the term queerplatonic, but others agree these should be split up into another term; possibly Quasiplatonic; an alternative term for queerplatonic for those who want to avoid the gay interpretation of the word queer, but the prefix quasi does not actually reflect that and means the opposite, nor does the word platonic hold up under it either; as the word cannot include sex or romance)

A quasiplatonic relationship (QSPR/ QZPR) should mean a friends with benefits relationship that can involve making out and or sex. It can also contain additional characteristics of a QPR (though FWB would probably suffice).

A quasiromantic relationship (QSRR/ QZRR) should mean a relationship that someone does not want to call romantic because it is QP to one and romantic to the other. But currently it means this: "Someone who identifies as quasiromantic may see their attraction as non-traditional or may feel it differs from crushes, perhaps a mix between platonic, romantic, aesthetic, or somewhere completely different and/or it involves other non-traditional aspects, such as rare attraction, or attraction but non-physical, non-platonic but romantic, etc." I don't know how long it's been around; it's not too popular so i don't think that long.

[Pi(e)]

That does sound confusing! I have just turned 15 and am in kind of a similar situation, so maybe I'm not exactly the best person to help on explaining romantic attraction...

It is quite possible that you are queerplatonically attracted to her. For me what I've realized the best thing I can do is just picture how I'm feeling. You might be able to get a very strong grasp on the actual way you feel and be able to visualize that feeling in your head, even if you don't know the right word for it. Even if you don't know whether it's romantic or not, you can be content in accepting your feeling toward her for what it is. I also encourage you to ask others how they experience romantic attraction and maybe base what you think it is off of that. But in the end, you feel the way you do and it is up to you to choose what word (if any) describes your feelings toward your friend.

[Spud]

That does sound confusing! I have just turned 15 and am in kind of a similar situation, so maybe I'm not exactly the best person to help on explaining romantic attraction...

It is quite possible that you are queerplatonically attracted to her. For me what I've realized the best thing I can do is just picture how I'm feeling. You might be able to get a very strong grasp on the actual way you feel and be able to visualize that feeling in your head, even if you don't know the right word for it. Even if you don't know whether it's romantic or not, you can be content in accepting your feeling toward her for what it is. I also encourage you to ask others how they experience romantic attraction and maybe base what you think it is off of that. But in the end, you feel the way you do and it is up to you to choose what word (if any) describes your feelings toward your friend.

Thank you for reading my post and helping! When I try to visualize how I'm feeling, I just feel kind of weird and queasy. I asked my other friend about romantic attraction, and I just ended up confusing her, too! The entire idea of a queerplatonic or quasiplatonic relationship seems kind of foreign to me since I recently discovered the terms here on AVEN. It makes it even harder to differentiate because it sounds almost exactly like dating, except with platonic attraction! But what is the difference between a "romantic" relationship and "queerplatonic" one anyway? Agh this is so confusing. But thanks again for responding because I've been having a really hard time with this lately and it's nice to hear others' input :D

[Slimer509]

That does sound confusing! I have just turned 15 and am in kind of a similar situation, so maybe I'm not exactly the best person to help on explaining romantic attraction...

It is quite possible that you are queerplatonically attracted to her. For me what I've realized the best thing I can do is just picture how I'm feeling. You might be able to get a very strong grasp on the actual way you feel and be able to visualize that feeling in your head, even if you don't know the right word for it. Even if you don't know whether it's romantic or not, you can be content in accepting your feeling toward her for what it is. I also encourage you to ask others how they experience romantic attraction and maybe base what you think it is off of that. But in the end, you feel the way you do and it is up to you to choose what word (if any) describes your feelings toward your friend.

Thank you for reading my post and helping! When I try to visualize how I'm feeling, I just feel kind of weird and queasy. I asked my other friend about romantic attraction, and I just ended up confusing her, too! The entire idea of a queerplatonic or quasiplatonic relationship seems kind of foreign to me since I recently discovered the terms here on AVEN. It makes it even harder to differentiate because it sounds almost exactly like dating, except with platonic attraction! But what is the difference between a "romantic" relationship and "queerplatonic" one anyway? Agh this is so confusing. But thanks again for responding because I've been having a really hard time with this lately and it's nice to hear others' input :D

I'm going to preface this by saying that I don't know too much about all of this, and you should probably take my two cents with a grain of salt.

First off, star bit explained what a queer-platonic relationship is in his comment (see: sensual attraction). If you are having trouble differentiating all the types of attraction personally, while still being familiar with the dictionary definitions, I believe the sexual and romantic orientations that start with quoi- or WTF- cover that basis? I'm not entirely sure on that matter.

It's also worth it to say that the possibility that you are 100% romantic still is a possibility, even if you have had no prior interest in romantic relationships or indulgences. I know romantic people that didn't have an interest at all until after high school. I don't know, though. I'm not you. I feel like the best thing you could do right now, if you're really confused, is try not to make any assumptions at all and just wait it out. But again, I am not qualified to give this advice. Maybe it's terrible. Who knows.

Anyway, good luck.

[Star Bit]

But what is the difference between a "romantic" relationship and "queerplatonic" one anyway?

I gave you the answer to that in my previous comment.

Unless you read it and are still confused?

[Spud]

But what is the difference between a "romantic" relationship and "queerplatonic" one anyway?

I gave you the answer to that in my previous comment.

Unless you read it and are still confused?

I read it a few times, actually. I guess I just am really confused. I know what the difference is, in terms of definition, but I'm not sure I really understand it, if that makes any sense. I don't understand the fine line between romantic and platonic, I guess. Sorry if I'm being kind of annoying, but I have been really curious and confused about the difference between these two rather than just saying "one is platonic, the other is romantic." You even said yourself that they can look like couples to outsiders, so I don't understand the different emotions behind them. Thanks for taking the time to reply to me, by the way!

[Star Bit]

Well, there actually is no physical difference; the difference is emotional (if it does not include obviously non-platonic things i.e. making out and sex).

The difference between wanting to chastely kiss an adorable child or pet all over their body and wanting to chastely kiss a romantic partner all over their body are emotionally different. Wanting to hold hands with your best friend(s) and wanting to hold hands with a romantic partner are emotionally different. Basically there's a difference between Turk + JD and Turk + Carla (his wife). Expressions also convey emotions, so those can help people distinguish the difference as well.

Sexual people even ask what's the difference between FWB and an actual relationship, so you're not the only one not understanding the middle ground.

(Personally i had my first crush at 18. First crushes are normally at very young ages, but it can really happen at a wide range of ages. If you still haven't had a crush by the time you're 18 or 20 then it's more conclusive that you could be aromantic.) But if you desire a romantic relationship despite not feeling romantically for anyone then that's called cupioromantic (the umbrella term Gray-romantic can also be used).

[Star Inkbright]

Personally I'd be tempted to conclude that you're romantic as opposed to aromantic.

[Star Bit]

Oh yah, about QPRs looking like romantic partners to others, this only happens with shippers/ people with no strong close friend experience. Ya know, like shippers misreading Loki's strong emotions for Thor as romantic, etc. (I'm not talking about it being their prefered ship, but them having the delusion that it's actually canon). It generally doesn't happen with people who are experienced with strong platonic relationships (e.g. close with sibling, cousins, best friend, etc.). I suppose the example of JD and Turk as aQPR didn't help? (since it was in the QPR definition and you were still confused) So other examples probably wouldn't help either.

Basically its like any other emotional identification; alot of the time people can tall when someone's not directly/explicitly expressing that they're mad, sad, being passive agressive, depressed, sarcastic, etc. Of course, people can also be wrong; they're only making assumptions on visuals and sound after all. Romantic misreadings are probably the most common. Maybe all Quoiromantics/Quisexuals have Alexithymia (the inability to identify their own emotions). You may identify with Quoiromantic; it means they can't tell the difference between platonic and romantic feelings.

[Spud]

Maybe all Quoiromantics/Quisexuals have Alexithymia (the inability to identify their own emotions). You may identify with Quoiromantic; it means they can't tell the difference between platonic and romantic feelings.

I heard of quoiromantic, but I'm not sure it really fits me because I feel like I'm just really confused about the line between romance and platonic attraction is for one person rather than never being able to distinguish it. Like I previously mentioned, I have a friend who asked me out, and it makes me happy to be around her and stuff, but I know for sure I am not romantically attracted to her. I guess it's a bit more like I have extremely mixed feelings for this other girl and I can't tell if it's crossing the boundary into romantic. Since this is the first time it's ever happened to me, I don't really have anything for comparison other than the completely platonic feelings I've had for other people. I know I am definitely feeling SOMETHING, I just can't really define it properly.

It might be part of the problem that my feelings don't neatly fall into these definitions, especially because of the tendencies for them to overlap. Platonic people kiss each other on the cheek, hug, hold hands, etc., but so do romantic partners. The only thing that seems to really "give it away" is kissing on the lips, but I don't want to do that with anyone. I feel like I kind of seemingly can fit in with either category while just explaining it to other people, but on the inside, I have really hard emotions to explain.

i know what the definitions of these terms are (trust me; I think I somehow believe that rereading them over and over will suddenly make a lightbulb go off in my head. It hasn't yet :P ), but I can't seem to apply the definitions to myself because some things seem really blurry or confusing.

[Star Bit]

Not everyone is into making out.

And yah, emotions aren't written on your forehead, so it can be complicated.

[Spud]

Not everyone is into making out.

Yeah, I know. That's part of what makes it confusing.