Chromaggia Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 Hello, A few weeks ago, a guy who goes to school with me asked if we could get to know each other a little bit better. For a while, we just talked, and eventually, we went on a few dates together. He is incredibly sweet, intelligent, and compassionate, and I just know that a lot of other girls would be envious of me for having a relationship with him. However... I'm pretty sure that I'm aromantic. As much as I like him in a platonic sense, I've not felt any spark. I've known for a long time that I'm different when it comes to my sexuality, but part of me has always doubted that I truly am aromantic and asexual, and that I'm actually just a late bloomer. That's the primary reason why I said yes- I was really hoping that giving him a chance might bring something about within me. But now, it's been quite a while and it's become clear that I don't think I'll ever be able to establish with him the relationship that he wants. I feel awful for leading him on- I want to explain, but I don't know how. I want him to be able to know how amazing he is, but that it's really me who is making this difficult. I'm sure that a number of you guys have had similar experiences. Does anyone have any ideas as to what I could say or do?Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 Sit down with him when you've got time and privacy to talk about it, and say pretty much what you just explained. It's pretty much what a sexual would say if they were only interested in friendship, so it's not going to be too weird. People pull the plug earlyish on in relationships all the time, and for the dumped person it hurts, but they get over it. It's just life. And if you didn't - it would only get worse for both of you, and you're entitled to have a relationship that suits you just as much as he's entitled to one that suits him. He might interpret it as just the standard 'I'm not that into you, let's be friends' softening of the 'it's over' speech though, and (nicely, he sounds like a decent guy) probe about whether you might change your mind. So be ready to explain about your sexuality. It might take him a while to get his head round. Link to post Share on other sites
Busrider Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 Seconding Telecaster. Once you are done with your explanation probe about "aftercare" There are basically 2 options: Your genderless core is awesome enough to still be friends / going out etc. <-rare Or he expected way more and feels it unbearable to resist the urge to hold your hand (or whatever) in the longer run. In that case I'd give him half a year (to romantically refocus on somebody else) before I'd call him back: "hi I am still romantically disinterested, but recalling I enjoyed *** with you. - Would you survive doing that again?" Link to post Share on other sites
Tarfeather Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 I feel awful for leading him on- I want to explain, but I don't know how. I want him to be able to know how amazing he is, but that it's really me who is making this difficult. Reality check: If he feels that he has been "led on", and that the time spent with you hasn't been worth it in and of itself.. If he only saw everything that happened between you as preliminary to some eventual romantic / sexual kind of relationship.. Then no, he wouldn't be "incredibly sweet, intelligent, and compassionate", he would be a jerk. In other words, don't worry. If he's all you're making him out to be, he's going to be understanding. Maybe he'll decide that it's better for him to break off contact or something, but I doubt he will blame you for your lack of feelings. The sooner you tell him, the better, as it will make him less helpless and there will be less danger of false hope. As Telecaster said, he needs to hear the things you said in your OP. Link to post Share on other sites
_Chromaggia_ Posted April 27, 2016 Share Posted April 27, 2016 I feel awful for leading him on- I want to explain, but I don't know how. I want him to be able to know how amazing he is, but that it's really me who is making this difficult.Reality check: If he feels that he has been "led on", and that the time spent with you hasn't been worth it in and of itself.. If he only saw everything that happened between you as preliminary to some eventual romantic / sexual kind of relationship.. Then no, he wouldn't be "incredibly sweet, intelligent, and compassionate", he would be a jerk.In other words, don't worry. If he's all you're making him out to be, he's going to be understanding. Maybe he'll decide that it's better for him to break off contact or something, but I doubt he will blame you for your lack of feelings. The sooner you tell him, the better, as it will make him less helpless and there will be less danger of false hope. As Telecaster said, he needs to hear the things you said in your OP. Hello, I know it's been a long time since I posted and you responded, but I just wanted to thank you for your advice. I was able to break it off earlier this month and we're still on good terms. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
_Chromaggia_ Posted April 27, 2016 Share Posted April 27, 2016 Sit down with him when you've got time and privacy to talk about it, and say pretty much what you just explained. It's pretty much what a sexual would say if they were only interested in friendship, so it's not going to be too weird. People pull the plug earlyish on in relationships all the time, and for the dumped person it hurts, but they get over it. It's just life. And if you didn't - it would only get worse for both of you, and you're entitled to have a relationship that suits you just as much as he's entitled to one that suits him. He might interpret it as just the standard 'I'm not that into you, let's be friends' softening of the 'it's over' speech though, and (nicely, he sounds like a decent guy) probe about whether you might change your mind. So be ready to explain about your sexuality. It might take him a while to get his head round. Hello, I know it's been a long time now since you've posted your response, but I just logged on for the first time in a while and I wanted to thank you. I was able to break it off with him earlier this month and we're still on good terms. You were right when you said it might take him a while to wrap his head around- he'd never heard of or met someone who doesn't experience romantic and/or sexual attraction, but I think he eventually got it. Thank you again! Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted April 27, 2016 Share Posted April 27, 2016 I'm glad I was able to help. Link to post Share on other sites
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