Help needed! Advice would be greatly appreciated :)

[Ysaye]

I'm asexual and lithromantic, which for me basically means that I've had quite I few people I've liked but never actually wanted to be in a relationship with them. However, it gets quite frustrating that I can't do anything about my feelings.

There's this guy that I've been friends with for quite a few months now, since the beginning of this school year (I'm a senior in high school). I really like him, and an acquaintance of mine has told me several times that she thinks he likes me a lot. We're all in the same physics class, and she isn't friends with him, so it's just based on her observations. Recently, I started wondering if I should tell him that I like him. Since I don't actually want a relationship, this is undoubtedly a strange thing to do, so I was wondering if it would be unfair of me to tell him how I feel even though that's as far as I'm willing to go. The only reason I'm considering it is because I know that there's no way we'd ever date even if I wasn't asexual/lithromantic for a multitude of reasons. For one, I'm considerably taller than him (5'10'' and a half, and he's at best 5'5'' or 5'6''. Not that height should matter, but just given the school setting and all it would be incredibly awkward). Anyhow, it just seems to me that we could maintain more or less the same relationship even if I confessed. But would this be a fair thing to do? This is all based on the assumption that if he does like me, he would appreciate my confession.

Any thoughts? Sorry if this all sounds petty but I've been wondering about this kind of situation for a while now. I realized that I was asexual less than a year ago, and my romantic orientation still continues to confuse me. I have two friends who are definitively asexual but neither are lithromantic so I have yet to find someone to discuss lithromantic problems with.

All opinions are much appreciated!

[Cove]

The way I grew up at least, if Person A told Person B they liked them on a more-than-just-friends level it was assumed that Person A wants something to happen that's more than just friends. I guess the logic behind it is why bother even saying anything at all if you're content with "just" being friends with the person and don't want anything else?

It might not change the relationship to you if you were to tell him that you like him, but it very well could possibly change things for him. If he does like you, his hopes might be raised by your reciprocation. If he doesn't like you in that way, it might be really awkward. I'm not saying you're wrong. I'm just saying that he might have different perceptions on your friendship than you do and things that might be neutral to you might have a lot of meaning to him.

If you know you don't want to change your relationship, why say something that in most cases would definitely change a relationship?

I'm just one person though. These are just thoughts, not definitive facts about your situation.

[Corruptangel]

In high school I was in a similar situation. For the longest time, I had a crush on my best friend. In my mind I had created the biggest fantasy of being with him and telling him that I love him. I never did anything with it. I am kind of grateful that I didn't. Now we have a great relationship as friends, he has a wonderful girlfriend who is a friend of mine as well, nothing is awkward, and I can't picture myself in a relationship with him.

I tell you this, because I am too a lithromantic asexual as well. I come up with these fantasies of romance in my head as well, but in reality I don't want them. When it becomes anything but reality I find that I push away and that I just don't want it. I'm happy with the friendship, I'm happy with the way it is.

Being a similar orientation as you, I say just think about what you do first. This Fantasy sounds great, but once it becomes reality is that what you really want?

[Corruptangel]

Also I am trying to figure out my orientation as well. I have not had anyone to talk about this either. So if you need someone to talk to , feel free to PM me and we can figure things out together.

[Ysaye]

In high school I was in a similar situation. For the longest time, I had a crush on my best friend. In my mind I had created the biggest fantasy of being with him and telling him that I love him. I never did anything with it. I am kind of grateful that I didn't. Now we have a great relationship as friends, he has a wonderful girlfriend who is a friend of mine as well, nothing is awkward, and I can't picture myself in a relationship with him.

I tell you this, because I am too a lithromantic asexual as well. I come up with these fantasies of romance in my head as well, but in reality I don't want them. When it becomes anything but reality I find that I push away and that I just don't want it. I'm happy with the friendship, I'm happy with the way it is.

Being a similar orientation as you, I say just think about what you do first. This Fantasy sounds great, but once it becomes reality is that what you really want?

The way I grew up at least, if Person A told Person B they liked them on a more-than-just-friends level it was assumed that Person A wants something to happen that's more than just friends. I guess the logic behind it is why bother even saying anything at all if you're content with "just" being friends with the person and don't want anything else?

It might not change the relationship to you if you were to tell him that you like him, but it very well could possibly change things for him. If he does like you, his hopes might be raised by your reciprocation. If he doesn't like you in that way, it might be really awkward. I'm not saying you're wrong. I'm just saying that he might have different perceptions on your friendship than you do and things that might be neutral to you might have a lot of meaning to him.

If you know you don't want to change your relationship, why say something that in most cases would definitely change a relationship?

I'm just one person though. These are just thoughts, not definitive facts about your situation.

I do realize that it's probably crazy and selfish and that's why I wanted advice. One of the reasons this occurred to me as a thing I could potentially do is that in all honesty after high school is over I highly doubt I'll ever see this guy again since we're not going to be remotely anywhere near each other (he's going to music school, I'm most likely staying in state for college). I think it's just the lithromantic part of me that wants to think something could happen. Personally, I would be okay if the situation was in reverse and he was the one confessing, but since most likely he's straight he probably sees this situation completely differently. I admit I don't really understand straight people at all. But thanks for your advice both of you :)

I will definitely put a lot of thought into this before doing/saying anything I might regret.

[Trades]

Hi.

I really don't have any advice for you, I am as clueless about feelings as anyone, but I feel like people with similar situations can learn something from each by sharing stories. It might be because we all process the information a little differently, some of the thoughts you mentioned are very familiar to me and some a very different.

Anyway, I am also a senior in high school and recently I have been starting to think I am probably lithromantic. Like you I have a friend that I really like and have been friends with for a while. I met her in freshman year, but it wasn't until after hanging out for about a year that I started opening up to her at all. I care about her an incredible amount, and I think I am pretty important to her too, but I don't really know what to do about it. For a while it worked out pretty well, all I really want is to be there for her, she has a lot of problems and I tend to be pretty steady. The problem is that recently I have been getting really scared. With graduation fast approaching I am getting worried that she doesn't think I care about her as much as I do and she won't reach out to me after we graduate. I won't reach out to her because that is just how I am. The comment from Cove just came up for me, and I think they are right that if something isn't broken you don't need to fix it, but I feel like what I have is not sustainable past high school. Furthermore, I am getting tired of restraining myself from showing affection towards her in fear that she might be led on or scared off or feel like I do the things I do for her because I want something in return. She is the one who helped me realize that I am asexual, and the only person who knows it in real life, and sometimes I wonder if she is holding back too because she knows I don't do well when people show me affection. Much like you, I am wondering if I should tell her how I feel so at least we could understand each other better.

Top get back on topic, I really can't tell you what to do, but I have thought a lot about my situation and maybe some of the options I have come up with could apply to you.

Option 1: Say nothing.

Things are not likely to change. I don't like this option because I fear it may mean that as soon as high school is over and we move away from each other we will fall out of contact. I don't know if that is a concern to you, and it shouldn't be if you are good at keeping in touch with people, but I am not.

Option 2: Confess completely.

To be honest this is what I would recommend for myself and for you. Especially if you are close to him I think talking about it could just help the two of you understand each other better. It sounds like for one reason or another you want to tell him, and instincts are annoyingly smart. Maybe you could start by trying to explain your orientation to him and see how it goes. For me, the perfect relationship would be a very understanding and deep platonic/slightly romantic relationship. That is what I want from the girl I have been talking about. I think (or maybe just hope) that a lot of strait people like that kind of relationship too, they might want something else in addition. This is why I think it is important to be honest with them and try to work together to find some sort of relationship, with or without a label, that both parties appreciate. Of course this is all much easier said than done, which is where I am stuck.

Option 3: Elaborate scheming

This is my favorite option but probably the worst idea. I spend a lot of time thinking about how I could manipulate things or create a situation where I could know for sure if my friend wanted more from me or not, or if she would rather the status quo or whatever a relationship between her and I would be. Mostly these plans never get started. I think it is good to put some thought into finding the right time, place, ect. to confess (if you choose to), but don't over think it.

Option 4: Go with the flow

I added this one because I just saw your reply to the other comments. If you don't plan to see him after high school maybe it is best to just see what happens, and if it doesn't work out you will be in a different world (college) just a few months later. This was my plan until recently when I realized how terrifying it was. It took a long time for me to let the girl I talked about get close, I don't know when or if I will meet another person like her, especially with my track record. Still, that is my situation, not yours. It seems to me everything blows over eventually if you let it, so if that is a comforting thought I recommend just not worrying too much about this guy. Be nice to him, try to be friends with him, but don't loose too much sleep over it.

Anyway, I hope something in my ramblings can come in handy for you. Best of luck to you and enjoy the rest of your senior year. Mine has been a rocky road, but I am excited to see what is coming next. I expect I will learn a lot about myself in college, and I bet the same will be true for you.

[Blue Phoenix Ace]

I have to argue the other way than the above posters. There's a chance that telling him could improve your relationship. It might not develop into a romantic relationship, but instead a deeper friendship. I think if you can explain to him exactly how you explained your feelings to us, he might understand. And it sounds like you could use more people in your life who understand how you feel.

But, the flip side, maybe it creeps him out. Maybe he keeps his distance afterwards. This seems unlikely, but is certainly possible.

Let me also throw this in there. You've got, what, three or four months left of high school and, if things go sour, you probably won't see him again after that anyway. You really have very little to lose here. The experience you gain by confessing might serve you well in the future, and if it does form a deeper friendship, you are more likely to stay in touch after the school year.

Good luck!

[Ysaye]

Hi.

I really don't have any advice for you, I am as clueless about feelings as anyone, but I feel like people with similar situations can learn something from each by sharing stories. It might be because we all process the information a little differently, some of the thoughts you mentioned are very familiar to me and some a very different.

Anyway, I am also a senior in high school and recently I have been starting to think I am probably lithromantic. Like you I have a friend that I really like and have been friends with for a while. I met her in freshman year, but it wasn't until after hanging out for about a year that I started opening up to her at all. I care about her an incredible amount, and I think I am pretty important to her too, but I don't really know what to do about it. For a while it worked out pretty well, all I really want is to be there for her, she has a lot of problems and I tend to be pretty steady. The problem is that recently I have been getting really scared. With graduation fast approaching I am getting worried that she doesn't think I care about her as much as I do and she won't reach out to me after we graduate. I won't reach out to her because that is just how I am. The comment from Cove just came up for me, and I think they are right that if something isn't broken you don't need to fix it, but I feel like what I have is not sustainable past high school. Furthermore, I am getting tired of restraining myself from showing affection towards her in fear that she might be led on or scared off or feel like I do the things I do for her because I want something in return. She is the one who helped me realize that I am asexual, and the only person who knows it in real life, and sometimes I wonder if she is holding back too because she knows I don't do well when people show me affection. Much like you, I am wondering if I should tell her how I feel so at least we could understand each other better.

Top get back on topic, I really can't tell you what to do, but I have thought a lot about my situation and maybe some of the options I have come up with could apply to you.

Option 1: Say nothing.

Things are not likely to change. I don't like this option because I fear it may mean that as soon as high school is over and we move away from each other we will fall out of contact. I don't know if that is a concern to you, and it shouldn't be if you are good at keeping in touch with people, but I am not.

Option 2: Confess completely.

To be honest this is what I would recommend for myself and for you. Especially if you are close to him I think talking about it could just help the two of you understand each other better. It sounds like for one reason or another you want to tell him, and instincts are annoyingly smart. Maybe you could start by trying to explain your orientation to him and see how it goes. For me, the perfect relationship would be a very understanding and deep platonic/slightly romantic relationship. That is what I want from the girl I have been talking about. I think (or maybe just hope) that a lot of strait people like that kind of relationship too, they might want something else in addition. This is why I think it is important to be honest with them and try to work together to find some sort of relationship, with or without a label, that both parties appreciate. Of course this is all much easier said than done, which is where I am stuck.

Option 3: Elaborate scheming

This is my favorite option but probably the worst idea. I spend a lot of time thinking about how I could manipulate things or create a situation where I could know for sure if my friend wanted more from me or not, or if she would rather the status quo or whatever a relationship between her and I would be. Mostly these plans never get started. I think it is good to put some thought into finding the right time, place, ect. to confess (if you choose to), but don't over think it.

Option 4: Go with the flow

I added this one because I just saw your reply to the other comments. If you don't plan to see him after high school maybe it is best to just see what happens, and if it doesn't work out you will be in a different world (college) just a few months later. This was my plan until recently when I realized how terrifying it was. It took a long time for me to let the girl I talked about get close, I don't know when or if I will meet another person like her, especially with my track record. Still, that is my situation, not yours. It seems to me everything blows over eventually if you let it, so if that is a comforting thought I recommend just not worrying too much about this guy. Be nice to him, try to be friends with him, but don't loose too much sleep over it.

Anyway, I hope something in my ramblings can come in handy for you. Best of luck to you and enjoy the rest of your senior year. Mine has been a rocky road, but I am excited to see what is coming next. I expect I will learn a lot about myself in college, and I bet the same will be true for you.

Thanks for writing so much! I can assure you that every word was helpful in some way and I feel like we can't be the only ones in this current situation. I also don't have much advice for you either, but I can say that I am pretty bad at communication and I am almost certain that if I don't confess to this guy we will likely stay what we are right now, which is sort-of friends. I hate the idea, but I'm also afraid of coming across as clingy or awkward since right now we have this really chill relationship. I don't even have his phone number or any method of contact since I'm too awkward to ask for them :(

I would love to know how things go with your friend if you do end up telling her anything, and if you want I would be more than happy to tell you what happens if I do end up confessing to my friend. At this point senior year has been really rough for me so I have this mentality of "why not" towards just about everything. I just don't want to add to my list of regrets, you know?

Anyways, thanks again for sharing your opinion and I honestly like your Option 4 the best :)

[Ysaye]

I have to argue the other way than the above posters. There's a chance that telling him could improve your relationship. It might not develop into a romantic relationship, but instead a deeper friendship. I think if you can explain to him exactly how you explained your feelings to us, he might understand. And it sounds like you could use more people in your life who understand how you feel.

But, the flip side, maybe it creeps him out. Maybe he keeps his distance afterwards. This seems unlikely, but is certainly possible.

Let me also throw this in there. You've got, what, three or four months left of high school and, if things go sour, you probably won't see him again after that anyway. You really have very little to lose here. The experience you gain by confessing might serve you well in the future, and if it does form a deeper friendship, you are more likely to stay in touch after the school year.

Good luck!

I really do feel that there's a chance our relationship might improve (fingers crossed), but although I might be able to work up the courage to confess, I"m not sure if I could have a full-blown conversation about my romantic/sexual orientation. Aside from the two friends I have that are asexual, I've only told one other friend about it, and let's just say it didn't go that well. I mean, I don't think she cares, but she just really did not understand it at all so since then I've tried not to mention it. I don't actually know this guy very well, so telling him everything all at once might just be too much, although maybe if the topic came up it would be less awkward? For the most part our conversations have not been very deep, but I think that's a given since real friendship between a guy and a girl is more difficult to achieve. Maybe it's just me but I have a hard time even imagining myself opening up to a guy I've only known for a few months. It also doesn't help that I've only started to be less awkward around guys recently.

As a lith person, the best situation for me is hovering somewhere between the friends and more-than-friends stages, and since a relationship is not realistic for us maybe it's a possibility.

Thank you so much for your advice! I will definitely be giving what you said a lot of thought.

[Star Bit]

You mean you want a queerplatonic relationship?

[Ysaye]

You mean you want a queerplatonic relationship?

I had no idea what that was, so I looked it up, and that does sound pretty close to what I had in mind. It would be very hard to find someone else willing to have that kind of relationship, though.

[Blue Phoenix Ace]

I gotta admit, QPR sounds really nice. My main concerns with the future are my health and loneliness. Loneliness is less so, since I love my alone time, and I do have a lot of friends. But, sometimes it would be nice to have someone around to just chill with on a week night. Health is a big one. As we get older, we get more health problems, or we get injured, and it would be nice to have someone to depend on from time to time. A QPR would be a great solution to both.

[Star Bit]

I agree, a QPR would probably be hard to find normally, but there are asexual/aromantic meetups scheduled on and off of AVEN that could increase your chance of finding one.

A queerplatonic relationship (or one sided, a 'queerplatonic squish' aka 'queerplatonic crush') is emotionally platonic (i.e. has no romantic attraction) but has (or desires to have a relationship that has) the characteristic(s) associated with a romantic relationship. It can be an importance/closeness stronger than the best friend norm, and or displaying platonic sensual attraction above the norm (only differing from romantic sensual attraction with chaste kissing, although preferring chaste kissing or no kissing does not make one’s feelings unromantic). They may or may not have monogamy, live together, have kids, or look like a couple to the public. Romantics and Aromantics can have QPRs. An example would be Turk and JD from Scrubs.

(The following is currently under some definitions of the term queerplatonic, but others agree these should be split up into another term; possibly Quasiplatonic; an alternative term for queerplatonic for those who want to avoid the gay interpretation of the word queer, but the prefix quasi does not actually reflect that and means the opposite, nor does the word platonic hold up under it either; as the word cannot include sex or romance)

A quasiplatonic relationship (QSPR? QZPR?) is a relationship that does not involve romantic attraction but does involve romantic or sexual things. It can be friends with sexual benefits, friends with make out benefits, or romantically pleasing someone they platonically care about (QZP to one and romantic to the other; although it's their decision on what they call the relationship).

[Ysaye]

I gotta admit, QPR sounds really nice. My main concerns with the future are my health and loneliness. Loneliness is less so, since I love my alone time, and I do have a lot of friends. But, sometimes it would be nice to have someone around to just chill with on a week night. Health is a big one. As we get older, we get more health problems, or we get injured, and it would be nice to have someone to depend on from time to time. A QPR would be a great solution to both.

I feel like that's a worry most of us aces have because the idea of having to live alone at an older age is quite lonely (still a while off for me, but it concerns me nonetheless). I actually have an aro-ace friend who would be willing to be in a QPR with me, even though neither of us knew what it was when we talked about it. However, her parents are extremely conservative Christians and they would definitely not approve of her not getting married, much less living with a girl. But it might still work out, who knows.

[Star Bit]

Well, to be fair, aromantics can get married; in terms of being in a QPR or best friend or being in a romantic relationship (obviously not mutually romantic). I even read a post on here where an allosexual or alloromantic person married their best friend in a non sexual/romantic way-- or they already had a romantic/sexual partner or something.. but my point being that aromantics and alloromantics can marry without romantic feelings. Marriage is just a title and doesn't have to be for the typical reason.

[Ysaye]

Well, to be fair, aromantics can get married; in terms of being in a QPR or best friend or being in a romantic relationship (obviously not mutually romantic). I even read a post on here where an allosexual or alloromantic person married their best friend in a non sexual/romantic way-- or they already had a romantic/sexual partner or something.. but my point being that aromantics and alloromantics can marry without romantic feelings. Marriage is just a title and doesn't have to be for the typical reason.

Very true. My aro-ace friend would be willing to marry me in a platonic way, but she would have to completely go against her parents. Whoever got the chance to marry their best friend as you mentioned is extremely lucky; I doubt very many alloromantic people would be willing to do the same. But hopefully in the future it will become more socially acceptable and people will be able to bring something like that up in a normal conversation.