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I'm horny, but I don't want sex...


Flossy9292

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Okay, so, I'm 20 year old girl, and this has been the case for many years. I have no idea of my identity or why I feel this way.

I like guys, or at least I find them good looking, but I'm unusure as to if this is sexual attraction or not, since I don't know what it means. Anyway, I like guys, as in relationship type feelings too. I've become attached to a lot of guys (though only been in one short relationship.) This is mostly because I am quite honestly scared of sex, and I know being in a relationship involves that.

Though I do like hanging with guys, like watching movies, talking, going out, anything but sex. All of the times I've kissed guys I've felt nothing but uncomfortable. I've always wanted it to end. The worst feeling is going further. I just went along with it all of the other times because I knew that was expected and was too afraid to say no. But I've felt absolutely nothing. My body doesn't respond at all the minute I'm being touched or kissed by a guy.

However, when I'm alone I maturbate quite a bit and fantasise about sex. I also read a lot of erotic literature (I know, TMI.) But whenever I'm actually in front of a guy all of these feelings go. I always think how I just want to have sex with a real person, but it never works. I know now that I could call some guys and go to have sex but it will probably just be the same.

All my life I've just been waiting for the 'one' like I'll actually enjoy it when he comes along, but I feel so depressed and lonely and just want someone already :(

I thought about being asexual, but then wouldn't I masturbate? Wouldn't I not fantasise about sex? I was reading up about demisexual people and think maybe that's what I am. But there isn't much information about them, so I'm left more confused. Any way I can find more info?

Can anyone guide me or shed light on this?

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I'm asexual. I masturbate. I fantasize about sex. :) Asexuality only means that you don't look at people and think about how much you want to have sex with them. Sexual attraction . . . if you look at someone and go, "Wow! I want to have sex with that person!" then that's sexual attraction. Many people here can look at guys (and girls) and find them to be good-looking (I know I do), as you said, and that's what we call aesthetic attraction.

You may or may not be demisexual. Have you ever felt a very deep bond with another person? If you have, but you didn't find them to be sexually attractive, then you can probably safely say that you aren't demisexual. No one really knows that until it happens, though. There still might be a chance that I'll find someone someday and really want to do the whole "sex thing," but I won't know that until it happens, if it ever does. The same is true for all of us identifying as asexual.

Still, if you haven't found it already, here's the Demisexuality Resource Center.

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Agreed with Starlit Sky. You can definitely be asexual, not even demisexual, and masturbate, fantasise, read erotica etc all the time if that's what you're into. Sexual attraction and libido (sex drive) are separate things. This was something I was unsure about when I was first joining the community too, and I think a lot of misconceptions allo people have about asexuality come from not understanding that there is a difference between those two things. If you don't feel sexually attracted to specific people in real life then chances are you're asexual, or at least on the specturm.

Demisexuality is experiencing sexual attraction to people only after having formed strong emotional or romantic bonds with them. That doesn't mean you'll necessarily be attracted to everyone you may have that kind of bond with I don't think, but experiences of that happening are what might make someone identify as demisexual. If you haven't been in that situation before, it's basically impossible to know until you have. For all I know, I could be demisexual but just not have been in the position to realise it yet.

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Thank you for the help everyone. I'm still really confused, but you've given me a lot to think about. The definition of sexual attraction is definitely confusing. So it's impossible to know whether I've felt it or not. The things I fantasise about are fantasy characters that I've invented (since I'm a writer.) So I don't fantasise about real life people. Sometimes they're with myself, though. Does this sound like a lack of sexual attraction? Does this sound like asexual type thinking?

Yeah, If I am demisexual, I feel like my entire life I'm waiting for this person to determine everything, but it's horrible doing so.

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Does this sound like a lack of sexual attraction? Does this sound like asexual type thinking?

As a sexual, and from reading lots of posts by sexuals, I'd say it's pretty asexual. It can all happen entirely in your head, after all, with no involvement with other people at all. For sexuals, having someone else - real - involved is pretty much the point of sex. The other stuff is a substitute.

This is mostly because I am quite honestly scared of sex, and I know being in a relationship involves that.

What is it you find scary about sex?

And a relationship with a sexual with a low-to-nonexistent libido, or an asexual wouldn't have to involve sex.

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I was convinced I was asexual for years, because although I had a libido, it wasn't directed at anyone and I found that incredibly frustrating. I've just turned 30, and last year was the first time I felt this absolutely undeniable, terrific thing towards someone and it has a very sexual element to it... We got to know each other for a while before it kicked in, hence I'm probably demi, but yeah, I feel lucky to have found the person that uhh... caught the attention of my libido :D

Sexual attraction isn't looking at somebody and thinking you want to fuck them; this is a common AVEN misconception. There's no coherency to your thoughts... you want to get as close as possible to them, in every aspect. Sexual folk certainly don't want to fuck everyone they're attracted to.

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Does this sound like a lack of sexual attraction? Does this sound like asexual type thinking?

As a sexual, and from reading lots of posts by sexuals, I'd say it's pretty asexual. It can all happen entirely in your head, after all, with no involvement with other people at all. For sexuals, having someone else - real - involved is pretty much the point of sex. The other stuff is a substitute.

This is mostly because I am quite honestly scared of sex, and I know being in a relationship involves that.

What is it you find scary about sex?

And a relationship with a sexual with a low-to-nonexistent libido, or an asexual wouldn't have to involve sex.

I'm very self-conscious about myself as it is. But I've never really wanted to do it, tbh, so I think I'm definitely on the asexual spectrum somewhere. I haven't been in a proper relationship, where I've felt really, really strongly about someone, so maybe itll be different if I actually get one. I can't see anyone being really understanding of this, anyway, as even I don't know what's up with me.

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I was convinced I was asexual for years, because although I had a libido, it wasn't directed at anyone and I found that incredibly frustrating. I've just turned 30, and last year was the first time I felt this absolutely undeniable, terrific thing towards someone and it has a very sexual element to it... We got to know each other for a while before it kicked in, hence I'm probably demi, but yeah, I feel lucky to have found the person that uhh... caught the attention of my libido :D

Sexual attraction isn't looking at somebody and thinking you want to fuck them; this is a common AVEN misconception. There's no coherency to your thoughts... you want to get as close as possible to them, in every aspect. Sexual folk certainly don't want to fuck everyone they're attracted to.

Thanks! Im happy for you! This is what I'm waiting to happen to me. I haven't been in a proper relationship where I've felt really strongly for someone, so maybe it will be change if I actually manage to find someone. At the moment, though, I'm not really interested in one night stands and couldn't actually see myself doing it.

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Being nervous around first sexual encounters because of self consciousness is pretty normal, especially the first one. But a lot of what you say sounds consistent with being asexual too.

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Honestly and initially, the thing that made me wonder about if I was asexual was the amount I have masturbate to.

TMI warning;I have done it since I was 13, and when I was a teenager, there were days I just had to "take care of myself " like three times. I watch porn, I read erotica. Honestly, I have a very active sex drive. There were times I've fantasized about being with someone, but my fantasy wasn't an actual person.

However, I've never had the drive to have sex with someone. Even when I was close to them, physically or emotionally, anything sexual is the last thing in my mind

At first, it was the hardest thing to distinguish between libido and sexual attraction, but if you look at bit more they are very separate terms

I've come to the conclusion that if I never have sex I think I will be perfectly happy :)

Hope this helps

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Honestly and initially, the thing that made me wonder about if I was asexual was the amount I have masturbate to.

TMI warning;I have done it since I was 13, and when I was a teenager, there were days I just had to "take care of myself " like three times. I watch porn, I read erotica. Honestly, I have a very active sex drive. There were times I've fantasized about being with someone, but my fantasy wasn't an actual person.

However, I've never had the drive to have sex with someone. Even when I was close to them, physically or emotionally, anything sexual is the last thing in my mind

At first, it was the hardest thing to distinguish between libido and sexual attraction, but if you look at bit more they are very separate terms

I've come to the conclusion that if I never have sex I think I will be perfectly happy :)

Hope this helps

Wow you've really made me feel really ace. You sound very much like me. I fantasise about fantasy people too, never about real people, and when I was with the last guy I was, I never thought about sex with him. I actually wanted to just watch a movie with him (though he obviously didn't want that.)

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You sound like a functioning asexual to me. We have libidos, find people good looking, masturbate, and fantasize about sex. We just don't desire it. It's not something we have to have.

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Depending on what you mean when you say that you fantasize about characters, you may be fictosexual. I don't think that's what you meant (I also fantasize about characters), but just in case there's a word for you to look into. ^_^

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Ha, I only fantasise about characters I invent in my head, for my own stories and other things, I don't think I've fantasised about something someone else has written. So guessing I'm asexual

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I'm not sure it would matter or not if someone else made the character. I have a feeling this is going to be hard to explain, but try to bare with me haha

The real question isn't so much of whether or not you're fantasizing about them, but rather whether or not you desire to have sex with them. Like . . . if you were there, in their world (or perhaps if they were here), would you want to have sex with them, instead of just daydreaming? If it's the former, then you would be desiring to have sex with a fictional character, which would probably make you fictosexual; if it's the latter, then you're probably asexual.

Some people consider fictosexuality to be a part of the asexual spectrum, too, and others don't. I suppose it's kind of like demisexuality in the sense that some demisexuals also identify as asexual, and others don't. :) Honestly, you're more likely to be asexual than you are fictosexual, but it's ultimately up to you to decide what you are!

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Reyn-or-Shine

Tbh I'm almost the same! I enjoy thinking and fantasizing about sex although these things never involve myself, just fictional people and the like. As for myself I would never have sex because it just doesn't feel "normal" or "right" for me. Hard to explain, but I agree with the posters above me who said that you can masturbate and fantasize about sex and still be asexual. So I wouldn't stress too much and know that there are people who feel the same or close to the same as you!

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Thanks everyone! So glad I made this thread. It's good to know that I'm not the only one that feels this way.

Absolutely! We're always happy to help, it seems XD

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  • 2 weeks later...

You can also experience sexual attraction - to a person or persons...in real life, celebs, porn, fiction etc ....But still not actually be interested in HAVING sex .... and this is still under the asexual umbrella

you can be attracted to people, fantasise about them..... but not want partnered sex with them....and thats okay too

a fantasy doesn't have to be something you'd want to do for real.... despite what others (allosexuals) might try and tell you.

for some people they prefer to masturbate than have partnered sex - even if offered it!..... and thats fine too. some people like the visual fantasy.. but don't want someone there actually touching them etc

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