Shame and Fear

[Turbo]

Hi ya'll

I came here about a year ago when I first stumbled across it, but promptly forgot about its existence - now out of college and fumbling to adult I'm struggling with my identity once again, I hope you all don't mind if I lean on strangers for support.

Do/did any of you feel shame and embarrassment when discovering yourself to be asexual? I know I shouldn't but I feel like I'm wrong and I just need to have a positive sexual experience so I can redefine myself. Like, I don't have anything against asexuality but I"m struggling to accept myself as one. And am fearful that it will limit how I can move through life, find love, start a family, and even talk with friends about life (it doesn't help that all my friends love sex more than anything so its hard to talk about anything else so I have to pretend to want it to because I'm not ready to admit to any but one of them that i'm fairly certain I'm at most demisexua).

How can I move past this feeling - which I want to do to accept myself and not be judgmental of an entire community? And how do ya'll operate in this sex-aggressive place we call society

Thanks for letting me rant and be rude at this wee hour.

[colorsinlight]

well i'm not asexual so i can't answer it from that perspective.

but i do deal with a lot of shame and fear, and in general most of that stuff is not based on anything that's actually real.
there's nothing wrong with being asexual, if that's what you are then that's what you are, and there is no shame in that. there is no shame in any sexual orientation or asexual orientation.

when i first discovered that i wasn't heterosexual, i didn't feel ashamed, but i did feel fear, and mostly it was a fear of, not being able to live a 'normal' life, like mainly about being different from other people, or being something that was shocking or would adversely set me apart from other people. i struggled with that for a few weeks, but ultimately came to the conclusion that nope, i'm not a heterosexual, and i came out to everyone including my mother (and i sort of did that as an irrevocable action, so that there would be nothing to be afraid of anymore). after i accepted who i was, i didn't really experience any of the problems i had perceived... i cultivated new friends who were totally fine with my identity. and if someone isn't ok with your identity, you probably don't want to be friends with them anyway.

and what is 'normal' anyway? yes maybe you are different from the general sexual population but there is nothing wrong with that. just be yourself, and you will find others you can be yourself with. find your community, be around other asexuals on this forum or in person, etc. learn about it.

good luck to you

[colorsinlight]

and pretending to want it... there is no need to do that. you never have to pretend to be something you're not. i had things i used to pretend i was too, but it's better to be yourself. or you don't have to comment if they are talking about a bunch of stuff you're not interested in. and, if you're pretending you're someone you're not, how will you find people like you?

there was this meme that showed 2 people with masks on facing each other, and it said she had blue skin, and he did too. but they never knew because they both had masks on.

no need to pretend.

[Starlit Sky]

Hmm . . . not shame or fear, no. Different people go through life in different ways. Not every asexual person is the same, so while some may find it difficult to find love and others might find it difficult to relate to friends, or whatever, that doesn't mean that we all do. You know? I can only answer for myself:

Finding love - I am identifying as gray-romantic, so if life is perfect and all that good stuff then I will have a husband and be married. However, I do not need romance. That's nothing to do with asexuality, that's just a . . . confidence thing. It would certainly be nice, but I am independent enough to function on my own. To be honest there are certain conditions that must be met before I am even able to feel a "high level" of romantic attraction for a person, and so when it comes to finding/attracting a partner I really don't have to worry. When I feel it--when those conditions have been met--I'm all set to go. It's easy-peasy. . . .

Starting a family - For me, this is largely dependent on whether or not I have a husband. I am just as happy being impregnated as I am adopting. It's not that one is "Plan A" and the other "Plan B," but that definitely depends on the other person. . . . Anyway, again, in the perfect life I will have a family, but I will not have a child if I don't have a partner. So, really, this is pretty dependent on the first bit for me!

Friends - Nahhh, not for me. I'm not repulsed. I can talk about it. I just don't like to talk about it constantly, and I'd never be friends with anyone who wanted to talk about nothing but sex all the time. :) Not that they're somehow "bad" or anything, just that I'd find them very boring--and they'd find me very boring!

(Also, that Lincoln picture tho )

[an18059]

I've never felt ashamed I don't think, in fact I would probably feel more ashamed if I was to experience sexual attraction towards someone now. But then I'm only 16, so it's not like everyone around me is having sex and as far as I know basically all of my friends are virgins. Maybe I'll feel differently about it when I go to university, I don't know.

I've definitely been scared though. A couple of times, and I remember one in particular, I was at a really low point with it and kind of just broke down, because I was resigning myself to the 'fact' that I would never be able to be in a long term relationship or get married so I would be alone for the rest of my life. I was scared that I would never find anyone who liked me even before I found out I was ace, cause I had a lot of insecurities, so when that came up as well I basically thought, well that's it, my chances are 0. It's a pretty terrifying thought because I don't want to live alone, when everyone else is getting married and having families so they won't have time for me anymore either. I now know that it's highly possible for asexual-allosexual relationships to work out, although it's obviously more complicated than usual, but it definitely can happen for you especially if you'd be willing to compromise. I guess now I'm kind of expecting that the most likely outcome is for me to end up by myself because of my whole situation, but I'm just going to see what happens and it'll be a plus if anything does come along in the future.

I haven't ever been worried about how it will affect my relationships with friends though. Especially since there are quite a few queer people in our circle of friends, LGBT+ issues are a common topic for discussion so I'm comfortable talking to at least some of them about my orientation and they seem understanding. And in the future, I can't really imagine myself being friends with people who just wanted to talk about sex all the time, because added to the fact that I wouldn't be able to relate, I doubt it makes for very varied or stimulating conversation. If people talk about it every once in a while, fine, I don't mind being on the outskirts of those types of conversations occasionally. I'm sorry you feel like you can't tell your friends about your orientation. Honestly, although it may be hard, I think the best thing would probably be to tell them. If they really are good friends and support you, I'm sure they'd be supportive even if they don't understand it at first. It does feel like a weight off your chest to have told people IRL, or at least it did for me.

I'd say it takes a while to come to terms with being asexual. At first I was unsure and, like I said, got upset about the implications it might have, but now just over a year from realising I'm asexual I feel quite secure and happy in my orientation (actually I've had a bit of confusion just recently about some stuff but that's another story). It feels good identifying how I do, it just feels right because I know it's who I am. I'd say give it some time, and you might feel better about it and accept it after having a while to think about it and come to terms with it.

[Busrider]

am fearful that it will limit how I can ... even talk with friends about life

I haven't yet lost a contact lens while rolling my eyes when sex became a topic once too often.

OK, tongue out of cheek: Sex can be made an annoying topic for sure, but there are more of those, at least in my realm.

I have absolutely no clue how asexuality might stand in your way with active listening to heartache peaks and other romantic issues, which might be more important to discuss than the actual act of sex (at least for friends). - In my (male) scene sex was at best mentioned for bragging purposes. - Its not overly difficult to prepare a boring answer. -"I haven't found the right person yet." should work. And if you are seriously into faking sexual interest in guys you should take a chance to survey your rambling friends about efficiency optimisation. - "what to wear to the bedroom to get things done quickly, when you feel he needs it but aren't in the mood at all?" Would be a question I'd ask, if I was prepairing to play a female role there.

Love? - there are so many variants... buy a puppy? / get into the kink scene? / become the bestest boss or coworker ever?

Moving through life: "If you haven't married a PhD until the end of your 6th semester, you really should get your own." <- old fashioned but true. - Get it anyhow!

[Elluna Hellen]

Nah, for me it was more like 'oh. OH. this is a thing that exists. That explains some stuff. Unless I'm a late bloomer' *takes another year or so to see if nothing happens* *is 23* "yeaaaah, I'm aro ace." Sorry you feel that way though :(. I guess you're gonna have to accept it at some point, but take all the time you need. Being asexual does not (necessarily) prevent you from finding love and starting a family! :)

Also, there is SO MUCH MORE TO LIFE than just finding love and starting a family! :)

[Busrider]

Forgot to add:

Shame? - Nope! - OK, I might have gender advantage. - From my understanding of literature and friends' laments the average guy is likely to be an exploiting ass in the sexual field. - Since I lack own motivation, I can at least be just giving. - Somebody mentioned it might deprive a partner of the feeling of being desired, but I think besides initializing close to nothing behind bedroom doors I appear fully affectionate.

For the usually sexually used roles I'd recommend splitting bills, taking rather few favors and mentioning the own orientation early. - As in "I'd highly appreciate you changing my water tap but can really offer just a modest cookie binge in exchange. - Is that OK?"

I also believe semi romantic activities are better experienced with an unreachable partners than alone, so taking part in them enhances them for the other anyhow.

[levelskid]

Never ashamed or afraid. We can't change who we are so we have to live with it, not that that's bad. All your concerns are very legitimate but asexuality wouldn't make them impossible. You could have all those things, and don't worry too much if time's get rough. They get rough for anybody. To get by in society, well, I'm not sex repulsed so I just kind of go by as normally and not be affected by it. Dealing with a sexual society depends on how you view it. If you're sex repulsed, you're going to have some trouble. It's good to keep in mind that while we don't desire it, loads of people do and sex is not all bad and shouldn't repressed by others. If you don't want it, people can't make you have it without going to jail. Sex is going to be a topic so treat it as topic that you're not interested in like how politics is for some people.

[Corruptangel]

I have a few similar reactions, recently finding out about asexuality. I have recently identified as lithromantic. I have always found having a relationship so appealing, really when it comes down to it I never seem to really want one. And that is the hardest thing for me to accept; because of the way I am I may not get into a relationship, because when it becomes reality I just don't want it anymore. Therefore it becomes hard for me to get in one in the first place. So I'm still trying to get used to this asexuality thing myself too. I'm trying to get comfortable in my own skin. Trying to get comfortable with who I actually AM, and realizing that it's okay. I'm on my way but still not quite there yet. Honestly I don't know how to function in the sex obsessed reality either, but we have somehow made it through.