Anxiety or Asexuality?

[plaidclash]

Hey guys!

*I already posted this thread in the "Sex and Sex-Related" forum, but I'm beginning to think it would be better in this category. I'm not sure how to switch them out so I figured I'd just leave this here. Feel free to move it depending on where you think it is best suited!*

So I'm finally in a relationship, and based on the way things are going, I think this is going to end well. My new partner and I are so in sync and even finish each others sentences just days into the relationship. It's only been about a week but things are looking so good, we have a ton in common! I told her about my asexuality and she seemed eager to learn more, she's even initiated conversation about it later. She genuinely wants to know what I'm okay with and what I'm not, and she tells me all the time that we will move at whatever pace I want. I told her I'm open to sex in the future and I'm okay with most or all other forms of physical intimacy, but I'm not quite ready for sex RIGHT NOW. She said that either way, sex is only an "extra bonus" in a relationship and that she's more in it for the emotional bond. She seems so perfect for me and makes me so comfortable.

But I feel so terrified to have sex, even in the far future. I have very low self confidence and obviously have no experience, I'm very insecure about my appearance and I know I'll be awkward.

I'm beginning to wonder if my aversion to sex and sexuality is NOT having anything to do with me being asexual, but if it has more to do with anxiety!

This is likely the case. I have a non-asexual friend who is terrified of men/relationships/romance/sex because of her anxiety, but really craves intimacy otherwise. Sometimes I think she's less likely to have sex than me (even though I identify as ace and she doesn't).

I do not want anxiety to hold me back from being intimate with my partner. I want nothing more than for this relationship to work, but no matter what she says I feel like she DOES eventually want to have sex. Heck, even I want sex. But god, I am dreading it.

[Star Bit]

But are you in fear of the awkwardness or in doing something you don't desire to do? Everyone reacts to unreciprocation differently; it can be from positive to neutral to negative, and some asexuals can't sexually compromise, and that's fine. The same thing happens with gay and straight people; some gay people can bring themselves to have sex with the opposite sex and others can't; some straight people can bring themselves to have sex with the same sex and others can't. Theory and actuality are also two different things, so you may be ok with it mentally but not IRL.

To be clear, you "want" sex just because you want to make her happy, right? Then that's not wanting sex, that's wanting to make her happy. Or do you genuinely desire sex but have anxiety about it? You also need to believe your partner. If they say no sex isn't a problem then you need to take that at face value. If she was lying then it's her fault and not yours. If it ends up that she can nolonger tolerate having no sex then it's neither of your faults. If you can't believe her then you need to have a talk with her about you still expecting her to need sex.

[plaidclash]

But are you in fear of the awkwardness or in doing something you don't desire to do? Everyone reacts to unreciprocation differently; it can be from positive to neutral to negative, and some asexuals can't sexually compromise, and that's fine. The same thing happens with gay and straight people; some gay people can bring themselves to have sex with the opposite sex and others can't; some straight people can bring themselves to have sex with the same sex and others can't. Theory and actuality are also two different things, so you may be ok with it mentally but not IRL.

To be clear, you "want" sex just because you want to make her happy, right? Then that's not wanting sex, that's wanting to make her happy. Or do you genuinely desire sex but have anxiety about it? You also need to believe your partner. If they say no sex isn't a problem then you need to take that at face value. If she was lying then it's her fault and not yours. If it ends up that she can nolonger tolerate having no sex then it's neither of your faults. If you can't believe her then you need to have a talk with her about you still expecting her to need sex.

I don't really know what I want. I feel like I could really enjoy sex, not only because it makes her happy but because it feels good! The thing is, I know that I am sometimes disconnected from intimacy. I tend to separate the emotions and the physical part.

I am also a virgin and I'm just 17, and I know a lot of girls my age are nervous about sex. Could it be that? Because I definitely have body image issues as well as no experience.

I know I am asexual, but I don't know if that is what's keeping me from having sex. Because I do think I genuinely want to have sex down the line.

I sometimes feel like I might not be doing enough to keep my girlfriend happy. She's so good to me; she deserves better. Whether she 100% NEEDS sex or not, I'm still always going to feel like I'm inadequate. I just wish I was born like a normal human being, why is that so hard? I hate my sexuality. I am in the most perfect relationship, I could not ask for a better girlfriend. Other girls would kill to be with her, she is so kind and I feel like we were meant to be together- we click so well. I would hate myself if me being asexual went and ruined that.

[Star Bit]

Sounds like you need to go to an asexual meetup to get support on your orientation. You're not the only one who goes through the phase of hating that they're not the majority; gay, bi, trans, intersex, and people who aren't a part of the "in crowd" do too. Yes, life would be easier for everyone who was different was born as the majority, but they aren't, they aren't the only ones, and they either come to accept that or just end up pointlessly hating themselves over something no one can change.

I suggest these brief videos, if not especially the last one:

Link

Link and Link (Bi people get BS too)

Link (you don’t need to be the majority/conform, and there are other people like you in the world)

Link

Link (with this and the previous link, i am not suggesting to come out, but if you do want to then only do so if it’s safe)

Link

[Star Bit]

You're also putting your partner on a pedestal and that's very unhealthy. You need to talk to her about that too. Maybe even seek guidence counceling for it; that's a serious problem.

[plaidclash]

Sounds like you need to go to an asexual meetup to get support on your orientation. You're not the only one who goes through the phase of hating that they're not the majority; gay, bi, trans, intersex, and people who aren't a part of the "in crowd" do too. Yes, life would be easier for everyone who was different was born as the majority, but they aren't, they aren't the only ones, and they either come to accept that or just end up pointlessly hating themselves over something no one can change.

I suggest these brief videos, if not especially the last one:

Link

Link and Link (Bi people get BS too)

Link (you don’t need to be the majority/conform, and there are other people like you in the world)

Link

Link (with this and the previous link, i am not suggesting to come out, but if you do want to then only do so if it’s safe)

Link

You're also putting your partner on a pedestal and that's very unhealthy. You need to talk to her about that too. Maybe even seek guidence counceling for it; that's a serious problem.

I spoke to my girlfriend about my concerns and she really put me at ease. We talked for hours about it, she really wants me to recognize that she isn't going to pressure me into everything and that she is definitely satisfied with the pace I'm going at. The day I responded to your comment was earlier and I was extremely anxious, I had just gotten in an argument with my family. I feel much better now and I think I've got my head on straight. And yes, I do put my girlfriend on a pedestal; she does the same for me.