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Did anything in particular help you come to terms with your asexuality? TMI warning


Onomatopoeia

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Hi, everyone! First time poster here, main part of this is a personal journey story (TMI and mention of sexual assault lies below). Posting it to find someone who went through similar experiences and can offer a word of advice or a 3 page double spaced essay with references and bullet points, whichever.
I have been struggling to come to terms with my asexuality for several months now. It's been a constant, never ending roller coaster of "I just need therapy", "it's just my vaginismus which is the result of my experience with sexual assault", "but no, if I REALLY think about it, I've never experienced sexual attraction to anyone ever even before. Been in love, yes, but even then I didn't wanna have sex with him, I just wanted to be WITH him, (although at the time I shrugged it off to being too young and inexperienced and not wanting to embarrass myself)" thoughts.
I have always had a spotty record with relationships and comments like "you're too hot to be single" are a frequent guest in my life *rolls eyes* (this is not meant to sound conceited, just to show different reasons for my despair.)
I recently started seeing a new guy, and although I can't have PVI, things have progressed to other sexual activities. And it is all very...mechanical to me, if that makes sense. It feels nice, and orgasms are definitely cool to have, but it's not the person that's getting me off, it's the motion. He is also the one who initiates intimacy 100% of the time, as I'd rather masturbate on my own time and get it over with.

Although I've learned about asexuality before, pretty in depth (or so I thought which turned out not to be the case), since I was a sociology major for undergrad, I've never thought of myself as "fitting into the definition" until I've found AVEN and this forum. Everything on here has been so eye opening to everything I've been experiencing my whole life. I now think and feel that I'm a heteroromatic libidoist asexual. But feeling and thinking it doesn't equate to accepting it for me. I haven't been able to come out to anyone (including my current partner) about it, I can barely admit it to myself in my head. I've always been a romantic; I like aesthetically pleasing looking people, who in our culture are often hypersexualized; I always loved and wanted kids. And in my head, those things don't coincide with being asexual. I don't even know why, logically I understand that those things aren't mutually exclusive - I can theoretically have biological kids or adopt, I can theoretically find a heteroromatic asexual guy, or try to make it work with a sexual through compromise. But I still can't come into terms with my asexuality. I keep on thinking "no, no maybe I just need pills/snake oil/a root of a baobab tree and I'll be 'normal'."

I will take any feedback about my experiences if anyone has any. But ultimately, I'm asking if there are things that helped you come to terms with it and accept it. I've read a lot of you found relief in finally figuring out what your orientation even was, and I do too, but that is not enough for me. Are there special sacrifices to unknown gods I have to make? Potions I can drink? Mantras I should shout every 43 mins while looking at the sun and petting a goat? Anything at all that would help me accept me. I'd appreciate any input.
Thank you.

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Blue Phoenix Ace

Well, you could certainly try some cake! :cake:

I'm sorry you are struggling with this and I'm not sure I have any good advice for you. I am "lucky" to also be aro so I don't need to find a needle in a haystack to have a relationship since I don't really want one anyway.

Have you told anybody you know? Perhaps a close personal friend you trust would be able to help you with this.

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Unbreakable Chains

For me I never really had to "come to terms" with my asexuality, once I identified that I was an ace that was all. Nobody really asks or cares about my sexuality, its not like people are just walk up to me asking if I'm asexual. The only scenario where I would really bother to mention being an ace is in a romantic relationship to avoid confusion, and thats about it.

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I guess I realized that I was asexual whether or not I admitted it to myself, so I might as well accept it and move forward with my life. Realistically there was no other option for me.

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Well, for me I guess I just figured I have bigger problems to worry about like school so I'm sort of procrastinating or ignoring all these acceptance issues I have. I have a label, but whether I'm gonna use it or not and how I'm gonna have a relationship is gonna be put off until a year or so for now. I'm kind of expecting everything will sort itself out.

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I am "lucky" to also be aro so I don't need to find a needle in a haystack to have a relationship since I don't really want one anyway.

Have you told anybody you know? Perhaps a close personal friend you trust would be able to help you with this.

Ahh yes, I see why you'd consider yourself "lucky" - I'm thinking if I didn't desire a romantic relationship, maybe just maybe it'd be easier for me. Thinking about having to explain how a sex-positive and often dirty-minded romantic like me can be asexual to my current partner/potential partners in the future/close people gives me anxiety.

Actually, this topic is the first time I've ever discussed my asexuality with anyone online or in-person. I really see only one of my close friends at least attempting to understand this, as majority of the people in my friend circle are really into the mainstream societal norms of the current hook up culture. Maybe I don't give them enough credit though and they could actually be supportive. My closest friend is the one I want to tell first but the thought of voicing it freaks me out. But, obviously, that's my mental issues, nothing to do with him.

For me I never really had to "come to terms" with my asexuality, once I identified that I was an ace that was all. Nobody really asks or cares about my sexuality, its not like people are just walk up to me asking if I'm asexual. The only scenario where I would really bother to mention being an ace is in a romantic relationship to avoid confusion, and thats about it.

It's not the people knowing part that freaks me out. Tbh I think very little of what others think of me or my life. And of course, as you said, I wouldn't go telling my orientation to random people, regardless of what I identified as. I suppose it's partially still feeling like I'm "abnormal" that fuels this, and partially the thoughts of hardships of dating in the future. Like dating is already hard, cis straight sexuals have trouble finding a partner, and they're the majority!

I guess I realized that I was asexual whether or not I admitted it to myself, so I might as well accept it and move forward with my life. Realistically there was no other option for me.

You're right, I guess for me it's that "there's no other option for me" that I need to fully accept.

Well, for me I guess I just figured I have bigger problems to worry about like school so I'm sort of procrastinating or ignoring all these acceptance issues I have. I have a label, but whether I'm gonna use it or not and how I'm gonna have a relationship is gonna be put off until a year or so for now. I'm kind of expecting everything will sort itself out.

Hah, yeah, same. I've put off dating and meeting people, focusing on school and work in the past. And I actually feel like I can do it for a lot longer, too, although it does get lonely. I just feel like my mental health is suffering because I have this big elephant in my room head and it's just kinda chilling there but I refuse to acknowledge its existence and keep hoping it goes away lol

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When I found out, it was more like oh, well...okay. I still don't know what it means for my future, but I just accepted it as the part of myself I never understood clearly before but I'm learning. I have always been this way and I just live with that fact. What people see is what they get.

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I've been coming about as asexual since I was 16. It took a couple years for me to be fully comfortable with it and understand where I am in regards to asexuality. It's now been 8 years since I told my friends I am asexual, and I'm quite comfortable with it. So time was a factor for me. It may be a factor to you. I hope you learn more about yourself here at AVEN :cake:

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It didn't take me long to accept it. By the time I even knew what the term was (March last year), I was used to being "different" in terms of personality and such. Coming out, however, was and still is pretty difficult. Considering how big of an introvert I am as well as how difficult it can be for me to feel comfortable being vulnerable in front of people, I consider it EXTREMELY lucky that my current group of friends were OK with it. I also told my mom, but I doubt she remembers it. I don't think I'll do it again unless I possibly end up dating someone though.

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I've put off dating and meeting people, focusing on school and work in the past. And I actually feel like I can do it for a lot longer, too, although it does get lonely. I just feel like my mental health is suffering because I have this big elephant in my room head and it's just kinda chilling there but I refuse to acknowledge its existence and keep hoping it goes away lol

I've always been lucky in being able to accept myself and the fact that I am how I am, but this quote really called out to me. My singleness and lack of sex has always felt like a big elephant in the room, that I don't want to talk about, that wasn't good for my mental health and my friends wouldn't talk to me about it because I'd always clam up and change the subject. And it became this huge thing that was really scary and that was then stopping me having relationships because the thought of having to explain it to someone was just too big and scary because clearly it's not normal and who's going to want that?! But it doesn't go away by itself, even if you keep refusing to acknowledge it existence.

But what has helped is finding this place, realising that I'm not the only one who feels like this and that it's not as abnormal as i thought. And there is a real comfort in that. And being able to talk about it on here with people that understand and feel the same is a huge help in starting to heal those hurts.

It's not like outwardly my life has changed a huge amount in the past few months since I've identified, but I now know what I want and what I ultimately need to be looking for, and that can only help in the long run.

So I guess my words of advice are just to keep getting involved, realise you aren't alone and let that alter things on a personal level first.mhopefully the rest will then follow.

When you say the relief of identifying isn't enough for you, what do you mean specifically? What do you feel is still missing?

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For me, I spent years trying to figure out my orientation. I started with maybe I'm Bisexual? Gay? Pansexual? Gay? Demisexual? Ace? And when I first thought I was Asexual I didn't know if I really was because I still enjoyed romantic relationships and I didn't know the difference between sexual attraction and romantic attraction. So I went between a few terms for a bit until I realized that romantic attraction and sexual attraction were different. Once I did I identified myself as Panromantic Asexual. I still had doubts and such in my mind but the way that I really come to terms with it is simply by talking about other ace people about being ace. I still do this now too, I talk to my ace friends about our experiences with it and how we figured it out.

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Rainbow~Sprinkles

For me, I found that just being on AVEN, talking with people who had similar ideas and cross-checking any misconceptions about romance or sex with non asexual people on here really helped me to understand what asexuality was about and understand myself. It's taken me a while, I joined here in September last year, to really begin to see how asexuality fits in with myself and how I work.

There's so many terms and meanings on here but the important thing is to place it within your experience, reflect on it, don't overwhelm yourself and decide if what is being said fits in with you and your experiences. There's so much diversity on here so I highly recommend finding people with similar ideas or experiences to bounce ideas off and learn more about yourself.

Its a long journey and I wish you all the best!

Good luck ^_^

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I've put off dating and meeting people, focusing on school and work in the past. And I actually feel like I can do it for a lot longer, too, although it does get lonely. I just feel like my mental health is suffering because I have this big elephant in my room head and it's just kinda chilling there but I refuse to acknowledge its existence and keep hoping it goes away lol

I've always been lucky in being able to accept myself and the fact that I am how I am, but this quote really called out to me. My singleness and lack of sex has always felt like a big elephant in the room, that I don't want to talk about, that wasn't good for my mental health and my friends wouldn't talk to me about it because I'd always clam up and change the subject. And it became this huge thing that was really scary and that was then stopping me having relationships because the thought of having to explain it to someone was just too big and scary because clearly it's not normal and who's going to want that?! But it doesn't go away by itself, even if you keep refusing to acknowledge it existence.

But what has helped is finding this place, realising that I'm not the only one who feels like this and that it's not as abnormal as i thought. And there is a real comfort in that. And being able to talk about it on here with people that understand and feel the same is a huge help in starting to heal those hurts.

It's not like outwardly my life has changed a huge amount in the past few months since I've identified, but I now know what I want and what I ultimately need to be looking for, and that can only help in the long run.

So I guess my words of advice are just to keep getting involved, realise you aren't alone and let that alter things on a personal level first.mhopefully the rest will then follow.

When you say the relief of identifying isn't enough for you, what do you mean specifically? What do you feel is still missing?

because clearly it's not normal and who's going to want that?!

I think you may have just pinpointed the source of my anxiety and reluctance to accept myself. I guess it all comes down to insecurities and a desire to date in a society that wakes up and goes to bed with sexual messages. Also, interestingly enough I don't feel apprehensive towards explaining this to friends or discussing it with them. A bit anxious to find the right words and help them understand - yes, but that's about it. What I do feel scared about is having to disclose this information to potential partners and their reaction to it. It's not like you can foresee how open-minded someone will be towards this thing in particular. At least I don't think you can? For example, I'm very open-minded about many things, sexuality included. And by that, I mean that I don't judge people or try to change their preferences, not that I would necessarily join their lifestyle. Which has led me to have first dates where the guys would disclose they're into BDSM or some other kinks; or they have had sex with another guy, although they don't identify as bi; or something else personal but important in their sexual existence. And maybe they've learned to get that info out of the way [even tho I don't see how a person's past choice of a gender to have sex with would affect our particular relationship], but I'd like to think that my openness had something to do with their disclosure. Now, how do you predict that a person will be open-minded about hearing "I like you, I may even fall in love with you, but I will never have sex with you, and even if I do - I won't want to and will literally just be going through the motions for you", without trying to change you, mislabel you or assume you're just playing hard to get. In my mind - you can't foresee this because no matter how open-minded someone seems, no matter how much of a SJW they may be, not experiencing sexual desire is not something they can even fathom. Add to that erasure and invisibility and I'm already hearing "that's not a real thing, I'll show you what you've been missing."

/rant

Sorry, went on a bit of a tangent there, but it's so nice to actually be able to put what I've been feeling down in words.

It's not like outwardly my life has changed a huge amount in the past few months since I've identified, but I now know what I want and what I ultimately need to be looking for, and that can only help in the long run.

I don't expect my life to change in other aspect either, really. Could I ask you what you feel you need to be looking for? Does it make you hopeful for the future? I'm asking because ideally for me I want someone who sexually identifies the same as me, however if I add to that other qualities I look for in a partner unrelated to sexuality like social awareness, certain personality traits and physical appearance and other I assume normal compatibility things, the odds of me finding that are the same as seeing a unicorn and a dinasour passionately discussing Deadpool while strolling on the moon :blink:

When you say the relief of identifying isn't enough for you, what do you mean specifically? What do you feel is still missing?

I mean it's not enough of a relief. Don't get me wrong - it's nice to finally be able to say "oh, that's what's been happening" and find you guys, but I guess this whole waterfall of info fell on top of my head. It could be that I'm just overwhelmed and need time. Time heals everything, right? [not implying that I need to be healed from asexuality, but rather from being unable to deal with it, just to clarify]

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Ergo failing at sorting quote levels out (this site really ain't great when using it on iPads), anyway...

I'm not sure you can ever guarantee anyone is going to be open minded about anything unfortunately, and that sort of reaction is definitely something I'm dreading but at the same time, I know I'm secure enough in myself to know that I don't need anyone in my life with that few brain cells but it's a case of seeking out people in the right places, I guess, as much as anything and being upfront with what you are looking for in a relationship from the get go, maybe like those other people might have been with you previously. Because if they didn't know you well at that point in time, then maybe they were similarly taking a risk in telling you those things upfront but felt like they had judged you to be open to hearing it and not judging them poorly because of it. If you are an open person yourself, that does tend to encourage people to reciprocate, so hopefully you'll find someone equally open minded.

In terms of what I'm looking for, mostly I'm looking for a very very close friend who I can be emotionally and physically intimate with, just not sexually. Someone to share my life with in every other way other than sex... And I'm not ain't sex by any means, and not saying never, but from past experiences I know it's unlikely I will ever get anything out of it. And I've also realised that I'd be happy finding that sort of relationship either within a same sex partnership, or even in a poly situation. So whilst I'm still looking for a needle in a needle stack, I do at least feel I know I'm looking for a specific needle in a needle stack! And that does bring a glimmer more hope to god situation than 6 months ago. I've been considering putting s profile up on a dating site again, but being entirely straight and blunt in this is what I'm looking for even if that will put some people off. And it's been 5 yrs since I've even contemplated dating because it always just felt so forced previously and that I wax doing if because it was expected of me. Now, I'm starting to think it might just be worth starting that hunt again.

Time doesn't heal everything but it does make it blurrier! Give yourself chance for things to settle around you and let the world readjust a bit, see how it looks again in a few weeks.

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