Getting into a relationship as a virgin possible ace?

[polkadotti]

So I've never had a relationship - never real interest in one. And I'm pretty sure I am asexual. But I've met this guy and we're going on a date next week I was just wondering... would I really have to tell him that I am ace? Because despite the fact I'm pretty sure I am one, I don't really want to die a virgin either so I figure I might as well give it a go first - if anything say I have a low sex drive. Just to experiment. If I really do hate it then I guess I know for future reference to set the boundaries a little more clearly when it comes to relationships.

[Taiji]

Depends how you think the relationship will play out. I was a virgin ace when I got in a relationship, but I didn't tell my boyfriend I was ace/demi until 4 months into the relationship (mostly because I was afraid he wouldn't take it very well, and maybe think I'm trying to be a special snowflake). At that point, I was still a virgin then too, but I was slowly becoming open to the idea of having sex. He took it very well, and he worked very hard to help me feel comfortable about it. Knowing that I'm ace helped our relationship, and we're still together now.

If it's just a casual relationship that you don't see yourself being in for a long time, then I don't see the need to tell him.

However, on this site, I've seen many couples that have struggled because one partner finally realized they're ace, and it puts a strain on how their sexual life is like. Telling your partner (or future partners) early on at least opens the opportunity to better understanding and less hurt feelings. At least you know you're most likely ace now, and if you find yourself in a relationship, future partners can benefit from knowing that.

[damage_case]

So I've never had a relationship - never real interest in one. And I'm pretty sure I am asexual. But I've met this guy and we're going on a date next week I was just wondering... would I really have to tell him that I am ace? Because despite the fact I'm pretty sure I am one, I don't really want to die a virgin either so I figure I might as well give it a go first - if anything say I have a low sex drive. Just to experiment. If I really do hate it then I guess I know for future reference to set the boundaries a little more clearly when it comes to relationships.

Looks like youre a romantic asexual though. You interact with the opposite sex and are interested in forming relationships. Which is fine. But obviously it comes with some complications.

The guys always want sex. Always expect it. But I dont think he will be a date raper. Plus its not mandatory to be on a date and have sex. Even much later... one must not 'give in'.

Now... as far as virginity is concerned. Virginity lies in the eyes of the beholder. A lot of empowered women go through many sex sessions and still feel they are somewhat virgins. Ive heard pornstars saving their anal virginity for their husband. So its funny.

Your desperate need to lose virginity is accelerated by the need to be equal among your peers... to be one of them. And thats what you shouldnt aim for. Coz theres no end to it.

[The Stranger]

But I've met this guy and we're going on a date next week I was just wondering... would I really have to tell him that I am ace?

If you're 15 - no.

If you're 25 - yes.

That is, if you respect him and yourself enough not to waste his time and not to act deceptively and selfishly.

Imagine this scenario: You're telling him how much you want to have kids and he's being understanding, then once in marriage he tells you he had vasectomy and doesn't want kids. And he didn't want to tell you because then you might leave him but now he hopes you won't.

Imagine this scenario: You're a lesbian and wondering whether to admit it to a heterosexual man you're dating.

So I've never had a relationship - never real interest in one. And I'm pretty sure I am asexual. But I've met this guy and we're going on a date next week I was just wondering... would I really have to tell him that I am ace? Because despite the fact I'm pretty sure I am one, I don't really want to die a virgin either so I figure I might as well give it a go first - if anything say I have a low sex drive. Just to experiment. If I really do hate it then I guess I know for future reference to set the boundaries a little more clearly when it comes to relationships.

The guys always want sex. Always expect it.

No. Each guy has a criteria that a girl needs to pass in order for that guy to want sex.

Now... as far as virginity is concerned. Virginity lies in the eyes of the beholder.

No. Delusion is in the eyes of the beholder. Word manipulation doesn't make someone a non virgin. It only makes one a manipulative person who is trying to avoid reality and deceive others.

Even much later... one must not 'give in'.

Entirely dependent on what kind of character one is building.

If you're in a relationship with a nice heterosexual guy then you must give in.

If you "must not give in" and you went into a relationship with someone you knew is not asexual and he didn't agree to it, then that's just fraud and deceit. Which some people have no problem with but I'm typing this for others who want to improve themselves as human beings.

[Blue Phoenix Ace]

You should tell him pretty early on. Maybe not the first date, because you might find out you don't want to go further with it. But, second or third date at the latest.

[Telecaster68]

"Virginity lies in the eyes of the beholder."

Eyes are not the part of the anatomy involved...

But I agree with Stranger. Virginity is generally agreed to mean PIV intercourse has yet two occur. You could qualify it with 'oral' or 'anal' I guess, but objectively it's either happened or not. It's not subjective.

[Starlit Sky]

I agree with Stranger in that you need to tell him at some point that you are asexual, but I disagree that it has to be very early on. Wait until you are about to get exclusive. I don't see the need to tell them in the second or third date when you don't even know if there will be a fourth or fifth.

(small TW--should be okay) On the subject of virginity (because why not?): I can certainly understand why some might not technically be virgins but still want to identify as such. If a person was sexually abused when they were a virgin then they might not physically be a virgin any longer, but might identify as such until they have sex. That's fair enough.

For the "eyes of the beholder" bit . . . well, I wouldn't consider a person to be a virgin if they had anal sex. I wouldn't say damage_case is just totally wrong.

[Telecaster68]

I can understand why an abuse survivor wouldn't want to think of that experience as losing their virginity, and I'm sympathetic. But mostly this 'virginity' is a state of mind approach isn't about that generally.

Could it work the other way round? That would be logical... I really hated being a 20 year old virgin. Maybe I should have announced that since I'd read lots of erotica, and had a few near misses, I wasn't actually one, and that would've counted.

[nanogretchen4]

Go for it. I wasn't thrilled about being a 21 year old "virgin" when I'd already had a sexual relationship with a woman.

[nanogretchen4]

I think if you are planning to have casual sex for the purpose of losing your virginity or as an experiment you should be open about that from the beginning. That way you can find someone who is also looking for casual sex.

If you know you are asexual but want a romantic relationship you should discuss that after a few dates.

If you don't know whether you are asexual and you want a longterm relationship, it's okay to say you have no experience and aren't sure if you'll eventually want to have sex or not. I think most people expect to wait longer for sex if they date someone with no prior experience.