occamsphaser Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 I told my therapist I'm not sure if I've ever felt sexually attracted to another person and think I might be asexual. They responded by asking me "If you knew you could never have sex again, how would you feel?" and I answered "ambivalent". As in, I could go either way, take it or leave it. I've felt an aesthetic attraction to people before. Sex can be a sensually and romantically gratifying experience. I like how it feels, but I don't feel the same sexual "spark" of energy about my partner that she says she feels about me, or about the thought of having sex with me. I know only I can decide if the label "asexual" suits me. After being sexually active for around 4 years, I'm suddenly confused where I stand. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Blue Phoenix Ace Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 Welcome to the forums Phaser! Just give it some time to let things sink in. Does your girlfriend know that you feel this way? It might be tough, but explaining it to her might help you understand yourself better. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
occamsphaser Posted February 12, 2016 Author Share Posted February 12, 2016 She knows. I told her while I'm not certain I'm asexual, I'm open to the possibility that I am, as it would explain a lot about what happens between us, sexually. She says she has about an average sex drive, and thinks she *needs* for me to display sexual attraction. I'm wondering if there's room for compromise, as we've been dealing with this miss-match for years now and still love each other. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
occamsphaser Posted February 13, 2016 Author Share Posted February 13, 2016 I've brought up an open relationship a few times, and she turned it down. One thing I hear a lot is she "wants me to want" sex. A couple things frustrate me with this: (1) I don't not enjoy all sex. Something as complex as sexual attraction probably can't get boiled down to a black and white binary choice, either he likes "it" or not. There are some sexual acts I actually really enjoy, like masturbating together, and others I can take or leave, like penetrative sex. (2) There are probably millions of girlfriends out there who go down on their so's out of a devotion to their partner, and not because they enjoy the act on the same level as the recipient. I gain immense pleasure watching my girlfriend orgasm, and I don't necessarily want anything in return. The thrill for me is watching her enjoyment. I'm learning that she might *need* me to reciprocate. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Member54880 Posted February 13, 2016 Share Posted February 13, 2016 Welcome! How you feel about sex is how many asexuals also feel about it. Some may physically enjoy it or get enjoyment from their partner's pleasure, but don't feel what it is that their partner feels, and also feel like they'd be perfectly fine with never having sex again. Do you feel like sex is something you never felt the desire to seek out, and that you wouldn't have sought out on your own if you hadn't been in a relationship with her or anyone else who wants sex? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
occamsphaser Posted February 13, 2016 Author Share Posted February 13, 2016 Hey, thanks for the welcome. When I was younger, I felt very pressured into sex, and sort of adopted a mental script telling me that I "liked" the idea of it. This is my first long-term relationship. Prior to it, I dated some, but never felt sexual attraction -- more of an aesthetic attraction, and maybe some sensual fantasizing (just about how good it would feel to be physically close to them and get intimate). When friends would talk about sex and how "hot" someone was, I assumed they meant that person was aesthetically attractive. I can't recall specifically fantasizing about "hitting that". I never think about penetration of any kind. I think with or without knowing my gf, I would have this script, for lack of a better word, telling me I "like" sex, and would eventually have to overcome that. But to answer your question, no I don't think I would independently seek out sex -- what I'm after is a romantic relationship where we explore sensuality (which can be via sexual acts, but not necessary). Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Salted Karamel Posted February 13, 2016 Share Posted February 13, 2016 Hey, thanks for the welcome. When I was younger, I felt very pressured into sex, and sort of adopted a mental script telling me that I "liked" the idea of it. This is my first long-term relationship. Prior to it, I dated some, but never felt sexual attraction -- more of an aesthetic attraction, and maybe some sensual fantasizing (just about how good it would feel to be physically close to them and get intimate). When friends would talk about sex and how "hot" someone was, I assumed they meant that person was aesthetically attractive. I can't recall specifically fantasizing about "hitting that". I never think about penetration of any kind. I think with or without knowing my gf, I would have this script, for lack of a better word, telling me I "like" sex, and would eventually have to overcome that. But to answer your question, no I don't think I would independently seek out sex -- what I'm after is a romantic relationship where we explore sensuality (which can be via sexual acts, but not necessary). I don't have much to offer this conversation but I thought I'd let you know I had a very similar experience regarding that "script," being under the impression that you felt sexual attraction because you felt aesthetic attraction, etc. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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