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adjusting to names and/or pronouns


butterflydreams

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butterflydreams

I've gotten to the point where 95% of people where I work, including those at remote locations, know all about me now (Yay!)

So far I've said calling me what they've always called me is fine, but I work with cool people, and I know they want to help me by calling me Hadley, especially the remote location I'll be visiting on Friday. Our service manager even dropped it in a group chat today.

Is it normal for a new name and/or pronouns to feel weird at first? Or scary? I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because for so, so long now, calling me that meant you knew something extremely private about me. I can't help but also feel like not passing in the slightest almost makes me feel like I don't deserve it. As though having people call me by a new name is somehow forcing them to deny what their senses tell them about me.

There's certainly a part of me that feels scared because don't all trans people really want this, and are super excited for it to happen? I know it's the right thing, because when things are right for me, I feel weird telling people. I always felt weird even just telling people my birth name.

So anyone who's done this, are my feelings normal? How did you get through the awkward spots? Any other suggestions or stories or thoughts?

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Autumn Sunrise

Well, I can't say I've ever done this, but speaking from a purely human point of view I'd say your feelings are absolutely normal, and it doesn't sound to me as though you're forcing anyone to deny what their senses tell them - more like they care about you and want to help make it happen for you. I know it's very exciting for you, but with a big thing like this excitement is usually tempered with uncertainty, weird feelings, etc - that's just the way we humans are.

I suspect that other trans people have quite similar feelings to yours, especially in the early stages of transition, even though they (like you) know it's the right thing for them. Realistically, is anyone ever 100% certain about something that means such a radical change in their life? Anyway, over to someone who really knows what they're taking about :D . . .

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Similar to Autumn Sunrise, I've not gone through this either, but I agree with her assessment. The closest I come is when I'm en femme, using a different name and pronouns feels weird. In a different vein, but maybe analogous, is I also feel weird and awkward when I try to speak a foreign language. Like I'm being fake and pretending to be someone I'm not. I guess it's related to the impostor syndrome? I expect it gets to feel more natural the more you do it (like wearing the clothes does (or your beret), you know?)

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Autumn Sunrise

Speaking a foreign language: I think that's a very good analogy, dave. "Impostor syndrome" is a great description - that's how I feel, anyway when I speak German or French, but I also feel excited and more as though I "belong". Perhaps this is something like the feelings you experience, Hadley, and "belonging" in a new group does usually take time and generate mixed feelings for a while. And of course a gender grouping is a very fundamental part of one's being . . . all the more reason why it feels very challenging, but also why it will be probably the most important and worthwhile life change you ever make.

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Not that I've done this, but I think after being called X for your entire life that there's definitely an adjustment period when starting to be called Y. It kinda of takes your brain a while to register "that's me". The sensitivity of knowing that this means others are acknowledging a major life change that was previously a private matter is also logical to induce a bit of fear.

Either way, I'm glad to see things seem to be going well for you in general.

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Dodecahedron314

I've been going by my name and pronouns since July now, and there is certainly a transitional period where it takes some time to get used to hearing your own name outside your own head, if that makes sense. (It was doubly confusing for me because in the summer program that was the first setting in which I started using my name, there was somebody else there with a name very close to the birth name I was used to being called, so that was interesting.) You've been using it online for a while, so I would imagine that would make it less of an issue, since you're used to being referred to as Hadley in some spaces already, whereas I certainly don't go by Dodec in real life :P I can't really say much to feeling weird about your name because for the longest time it's been very private, though, because I just use my middle name now, and it's not really something I've hidden, especially since I originally planned to start going by it when I got into high school, when I barely even knew trans people existed, let alone that I would wind up being one. I can certainly see how that would happen though, so it's definitely an understandable feeling to have associated with your name.

I can certainly relate with the pronouns thing--I was terrified when I said "they/them/theirs" in the pronoun circle in that summer program, because I had no idea how everyone would react (spoiler alert: they didn't, not for me, and not for the other person in the room who didn't use binary pronouns either). You know it's the right thing to do, though, and once you get past the initial "oh god oh god oh god I'm gonna say it I'm gonna say it....AAAAAAAGH there I said it" phase for the first few times, it'll start feeling a lot more natural--because of course it is, you're female! You know that, and now everyone else can, too, so of course it makes sense for them to refer to you like they would any other woman. Hearing people use your pronouns consistently is a wonderful feeling--every single time they refer to you in third person, it's a little shot of gender euphoria. :D But make no mistake about it, your brain will take note of the difference, and so it's certainly logical that that would take a while to process and get used to. Again, you know it's right, and that's all that matters.

(I definitely relate to the part about feeling weird having people use your pronouns when you don't pass, though--as a nonbinary person, it's pretty hard for me to pass as basically anything remotely like my actual identity, which is something I've ranted long and hard about already. One way to think about it is this--mirrors have a history of telling trans people that they are what they aren't, as anybody who's had dysphoria can attest. Society does the same thing; therefore, by sketchy 4am Dodec logic, we can say that society is a lot like a mirror in that respect. So, by having people use your pronouns, you're polishing a part of that mirror so that it reflects the real you. It might not look right on its own, but polishing one bit makes it a lot easier to polish the edges of that, and just keep spreading out and polishing more and more...and sooner or later, the mirror will finally reflect you clearly as you are, not through the filter of cisnormative gunk that it was showing you before.)

Keep polishing that mirror! :cake:

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It's perfectly normal. I changed my name last April and I still glance up when people say my old one -- in a new office, where nobody knows what my old one was! But my birth surname is starting to feel alien now, if I get scam calls asking for me by my old surname I have a genuine moment of 'who the fuck is that?'

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I hope I get to that point, zabz

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butterflydreams

Wow! Such insightful thoughts! Thanks everyone!

I think the foreign language comparison is a good one. I don't really speak any foreign languages, but I know if I'm dropping a few words or sentences here and there in say French or Russian, I do feel a bit funny.

I think this is one of those things that no one seems to talk about for some reason, but that's actually probably very common. After reading what people have said here, I think I'm going to try to treat it like anything else I've done. Hard at first, but gets progressively easier. I'm also going to try to look at it a really big, really important step in affirmation that I'm real. Try to see it as exciting (exciting things can be scary too).

(I definitely relate to the part about feeling weird having people use your pronouns when you don't pass, though--as a nonbinary person, it's pretty hard for me to pass as basically anything remotely like my actual identity, which is something I've ranted long and hard about already. One way to think about it is this--mirrors have a history of telling trans people that they are what they aren't, as anybody who's had dysphoria can attest. Society does the same thing; therefore, by sketchy 4am Dodec logic, we can say that society is a lot like a mirror in that respect. So, by having people use your pronouns, you're polishing a part of that mirror so that it reflects the real you. It might not look right on its own, but polishing one bit makes it a lot easier to polish the edges of that, and just keep spreading out and polishing more and more...and sooner or later, the mirror will finally reflect you clearly as you are, not through the filter of cisnormative gunk that it was showing you before.)

Keep polishing that mirror! :cake:

This is...this is just the best thing I've seen. It's so perfect. When I think about it this way, it makes so much sense. I think that might be because lately I've been seeing more and more things in the mirror that I really love. She's coming out basically. So thinking about the mirror that you're looking into socially, that's brilliant. Just like how it takes time to see what you want to see in the mirror, socially would be the same thing.

4am Dodec logic is right on the money, 100%. :cake:

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Calligraphette_Coe

So anyone who's done this, are my feelings normal? How did you get through the awkward spots? Any other suggestions or stories or thoughts?

There are some that say that one of the reasons the human brain is relatively outsized in comparison to other inhabitants of the planet is because we depended on being social for so much of our evolution. That we had to have room to know 150 faces, names and narratives besides our own. When your first start down this path, you have a teeny bit of duality left within you-- but that goes away as you converge on the final expression of your gender.

And that people's brains adjust like yours does to your knew social reality. It's a truly wonderous thing. Even as those hormones are resculpting the distribution of your fat cells, your gender change is alive in you and in the minds of other people.

So that after awhile, you think of NameSounds as being like that old line from Buckaroo Banzai:

No matter where you go, there you are.

A rose by any other name.... from the Year of Living Dangerously.

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I'm kind of in the same boat right now. I've discovered that when I'm not entirely sober I sometimes talk about myself in the masculine gender and because a few people didn't even react when I did that, I've been thinking about maybe asking them to use male pronouns about me sometimes. I have one friend who knows I'm trans* and she already does that and everytime she does I feel conflicted. A part of me feels good but another part wants her to shut up because I'm afraid other people will hear us and make fun of me/hurt me.

I also feel weird about it because I'm not used to it. It feels good and natural but very different. I can't really explain the feeling, it's just odd. I start analysing how I feel about it every single time it happens and I think that's what takes away the joy of it.

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The squirrels ate my post, but I'll try to just convey the sentiments of what I remember writing.

I can certainly understand why you feel the way you do, especially when there feels like so little middle ground between gender as a private vs public identity. Based on my experience as a performer, I see fear and excitement as different interpretations of the same physical stimuli, so your nervousness is certainly understandable!

There are as many trans narratives as there are people, but I understand that pressure to fit into the more "acceptable" narratives. I imagine that a lot of people are more nervous than they're letting on, creating a sort of Stanford Duck Syndrome (calm on the surface, paddling furiously underneath). Make sure to paddle at your own pace and you should be good :)

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butterflydreams

There are as many trans narratives as there are people, but I understand that pressure to fit into the more "acceptable" narratives. I imagine that a lot of people are more nervous than they're letting on, creating a sort of Stanford Duck Syndrome (calm on the surface, paddling furiously underneath). Make sure to paddle at your own pace and you should be good :)

This is so true and it feels like I keep coming across it over and over in all this. That's why I suggested it as a possibility. Paddling at your own pace is something I seem to be bizarrely good at doing in this process. I can't stress to others enough that most things will feel comfortable to you at some point, and you don't need to push yourself to do them faster if you're not ready. I'm consistently surprised at all the things I've "felt like doing" because I can easily remember a time when I was very hesitant and afraid.

The good news? Work went totally fine today at the remote location. Actually, nobody even said hardly anything. They like it when I stop by and I found myself catching up with people a lot. One guy pulled me aside and I thought he was going to ask me something really personal, but he was like, "so, umm, I just don't want to look like an idiot in front of everyone else, how do you pronounce Hadley'?" :lol: I explained it's not a super common name, but it's the name of a town right where I grew up. We chatted a bit and it sounds like I've got one or two major advocates there who are really going to push others to call me Hadley. <3 The service manager even changed it in his contact book, so emails show "Hadley" in the "to" field (even though my actual address remains unchanged).

And to top it all off, when I stopped for coffee this morning, the woman there was asking me if I'd like them to call me Hadley. I kinda waffled a bit, because I was nervous, but I think I'm actually ok with that, and can find some way to feel more excited than scared about it.

Big day. I'm exhausted :P Figured I'd post here with an update because it was so positive.

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Yay Hadley!! So happy to see this is all going well. One step at a time :)

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One guy pulled me aside and I thought he was going to ask me something really personal, but he was like, "so, umm, I just don't want to look like an idiot in front of everyone else, how do you pronounce Hadley'?" :lol:

That's adorable. Also, I should probably ask too, even though I may never actually see you in a context where I get a chance to be verbal :P

I always pronounce it in my head with a short a. Is that right? Or should it be a long a? Hadley with an a like hat, or Hadley with an a like gate?

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butterflydreams

https://www.howtopronounce.com/hadley/The first audio clip is best. ^_^

See, I never even thought there was another way to pronounce it because of the town...but it's like "had" as in "I had to see that movie" and "ley" is just like the name Lee. Incidentally, Lee is also the name of a town near where I grew up.

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Oh, cool, that's how I always pronounce it in my head.

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TheStarrySkai

For me it took a while to get used to my new name. Didn't take too long for the pronouns, but that's just me.

It's totally normal and makes sense.

My advice is: just do what you feel the most comfortable with. That's usually the right direction.

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Calligraphette_Coe

See, I never even thought there was another way to pronounce it because of the town...but it's like "had" as in "I had to see that movie" and "ley" is just like the name Lee. Incidentally, Lee is also the name of a town near where I grew up.

I thought of you this week when I saw a truck in the other lane on my way to work from this place:

http://www.hadleyfarms.com/

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butterflydreams

See, I never even thought there was another way to pronounce it because of the town...but it's like "had" as in "I had to see that movie" and "ley" is just like the name Lee. Incidentally, Lee is also the name of a town near where I grew up.

I thought of you this week when I saw a truck in the other lane on my way to work from this place:

http://www.hadleyfarms.com/

ooo, looks delicious ^_^

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https://www.howtopronounce.com/hadley/The first audio clip is best. ^_^

See, I never even thought there was another way to pronounce it because of the town...but it's like "had" as in "I had to see that movie" and "ley" is just like the name Lee. Incidentally, Lee is also the name of a town near where I grew up.

Oh good, I'm doing it right. Or as right as my Canadian accent allows at least ;)

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I am at a point where a few people call me by my preferred pronouns and it feels a bit strange, not in a bad way by any means but it feels really odd being called by what I feel instead of what I look like. I'm very sure its normal and I personally love the feeling for some reason ^_^

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