datanerd001 Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Hi all, I'm super confused. Any advice is much appreciated... I'm 24 (cis-female) and I have always felt different about sex. I don't hate sex. I've had a lot of sex actually. But, I don't think I feel the way other people do about it. I had my first serious relationship with a boy when I was 16. We had sex, but usually I didn't love it. Orgasms felt nice; I usually enjoyed having them. I liked being sensual, being close to his body and touching and sometimes kissing. But, I didn't really get the other parts of sex. I didn't like p in v sex at all. It really felt uncomfortable but I did it plenty of times anyway. I felt pretty neutral toward giving oral or any manual stimulation. I didn't get anything out of it, but I didn't hate it. I did it many times for my boyfriend though, because I wanted to make him happy. I felt like a tease to kiss and be close and to not "follow through". He was my best friend, but over time I expressed more reluctance and we had less & less sex over time. At this time, I started to realize I felt some sort of attraction toward women. I figured I must be a lesbian, and so I broke up with my boyfriend. After that, I dated some women and also some more men. I realized that I felt similar when I had sex with women as when I had sex with men. I liked being close to them. I found them to be attractive as people. I liked the feeling of an orgasm. But, I didn't love giving oral or manual stimulation. I guess I felt slightly more positively about it than about doing the same activities with men, but I would still say it was a pretty neutral activity. I also later discovered that I like kink. I went out to some clubs, met some play partners, and experimented in that world a bit. My relationship with kink is complicated, but I think that part of the reason I enjoy that world is that it was totally acceptable for me to tell a play partner that I wanted kink without sex. I enjoyed the sessions of spanking or being tied up. The power exchange was exciting for me. But I loved that I didn't feel pressured to give oral or have p in v sex. It felt like a relief to have the exciting thrill of the power play (that honestly did make me feel sexually turned on), but with none of the pressure of having sex if I didn't want it. I'm confused because I'm not repulsed by sex. I don't want to never have sex again. In fact, I would enjoy having a kink session, followed by an orgasm with a vibrator. That would be great! But, that's really my ideal. I would be very happy to never give oral again or to never have p in v sex again. But, I also don't really think much about sex. I don't really masturbate. I wouldn't be devastated if I never had an orgasm or a kink session again. I like them, but I wouldn't list them in the my top 5 favorite things. I love having relationships. I love being sensual and close to someone. I have had a few times where I did enjoy sex. I find lots of different people attractive. But, in more of an abstract way. I don't imagine having sex with them. In fact, I sometimes find people more attractive when they are dressed well than when they are naked. I just imagine cuddling them and kissing them. :) Thoughts? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
levelskid Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Well, nobody can tell you what you are but consider this, do you desire sex? Because asexuals are not all repulsed, some like sex, and even have kinks. The only common denominator is that we all don't desire sex. Graces can mean a whole lot of things, but in a nutshell it's like being between asexual and sexual. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
datanerd001 Posted February 9, 2016 Author Share Posted February 9, 2016 What is the difference between desiring and liking sex? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
nanogretchen4 Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 If you want to do some sexual activities but not others, you are still sexual. If you don't like giving oral sex, you can find a lesbian who doesn't like receiving. Kink and sex toys are pretty common variations, too. In my mind if your ideal involves having an orgasm while your partner is in the same room and following some kind of intimate interaction with your partner, that's clearly a desire for partnered sex. If you don't think about sex frequently or masturbate, that may be a lowish libido. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Autumn Season Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 I would say you might as well be asexual. But if you are not sure, there is the term "grey-sexual", which means something between sexual and asexual. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
.,. Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 It's really impossible for me to say anything very helpful with the provided information. Asexuality is about the sexual attraction part, and not about whether or not you dislike some parts of the sex act or not. Many asexuals have frequent sex with their partners, and while some see it as a chore and a hassle. I have the impression that there are those who really dont mind it as well (I've never met anyone who dislike orgasms after all, and if they're comfortable with sex then sure, of course they would be able to appreciate it!.) People argue about the definition of asexuality all the time, but as you see on the top of the page the easiest way to define being asexual is by the fact of whether you feel sexual attraction or not. If you don't know what asexual attraction is, then that might be a sign of asexuality too. But basically the question to determine it would be: Do you see other people - not online, or in pictures, but in the flesh - and feel sexually attracted to them? Aroused is another thing and largely irrelevant to if you're asexual or not, don't confuse the two. So think on it, and go through your mental library of experiences to check for feelings where you just wanna throw yourself at someone and have sex with them. Like a compulsion. Good luck! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
nanogretchen4 Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Most sexuals say they have never had the experience of seeing someone for the first time and wanting to have sex with them. I have certainly wanted to have sex with people I was in a relationship with, but I wouldn't say I've felt a compulsion to throw myself on someone and have sex with them. That's setting the bar for sexual desire pretty high, and the OP is not a character in a romance novel. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Bartows Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 I feel like i can relate a lot to your storyI'm more or less on the same boat Not sure where i stand in sexuality, assexuality seems a good step forward to understanding.Don't exactly enjoy p in v sex, don't hate it, but could easily live without itI like being close, seducing, but prefer that it doesn't end in sex I'm very new at this, so i can't give you any proper hints as to what you could "call yourself", but i don't think it matters anyway. You don't feel very confortable with "regular" sex, and is still figuring it out, so, as a friend of mine told me, titles are not necessary. Use Ace to describe yourself if it makes you feel more confortable with the fact that you experience sex in a different way than other people. The last part of your story sugest that you indeed don't feel sexual attraction, but other kinds of attraction (aestethic, sensual, etc.). The thing is, you still have libido, and you found a way to satisfy your body, even if your mind, heart, etc, makes it feels very confusing. Don't worry about things that may or may not change where you "belong" in a possible ace spectrum, but do try to figure out how to deal with those things so that you can better understand yourself. Personally, i don't know how to do it without hurting or confusing those who get close to me, so if you find a way, please share Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Ace_Kat Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 Asexual is a person who experiences no sexual attraction towards others. Gray sexual is a person who is in between sexual and asexual (there are many different identities in the gray area of the spectrum). It's fine to like to do the things you liked to do (like the kink play and all), but as long as you feel little to now sexual attraction, you are asexual or somewhere in the gray area. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
LoneRider Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 I understand this feeling well, as I have similar feelings/issues. Personally I enjoy the closeness and contact, but wouldn't consider it sexual attraction. In fact anything more then a girl topless doesn't interest me. I actually find it more of a chore then pleasure. So to me, you sound more asexual, especially if you're running off the physical sensation tben sexual attraction Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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