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Why does this keep happening? How do you handle people who flirt with/come on to you?


UncommonNonsense

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UncommonNonsense

Why does this keep happening?

I mean, I've never thought of myself as someone who attracts male attention! I'm shortish, fat, plain, dress to conceal my feminine body, dress only in men's clothes, wear no cosmetics, and try to avoid attention! None of this screams "Hey guys, I'm available!" I'm friendly but not effusive, and am usually a bit standoffish with new people.

So, I'm hanging out at home in my baggy, much-mended PJs on a rare night off from work and Mum decides she wants to order out for supper rather than us bothering with cooking. We do, and roughly 30 minutes later, the delivery guy arrives.

This guy has delivered to our place before, since Mum often orders from that restaurant when I'm away at work. It has become a running joke between Mum and the delivery man that our condo complex doesn't appear on GPS maps, despite having been there for about 10 years.

Mum was upstairs when the delivery man arrived this time, so I was the one to answer the door. He's seen me a couple of times, but I usually let Mum handle the transaction because I'm usually busy corralling our overly exuberant dog, so we'd only spoken very briefly before. Nothing more than a 'Hi, how's your evening?". He's about my age, or maybe a bit younger, of average build, taller than I am.. just your average mid-30s guy.

This time, he really began to flirt with me. I'm usually quite unaware when people flirt with me, but he was very, very obvious. I tried to put him off a bit, with joking and being intentionally oblivious to his flirtation. Then, he handed me his card.. he runs a delivery business in town, delivering take-out for restaurants, delivering groceries for people who can't do their own shopping, that sort of thing. Finally, we finished the transaction for the take-out food and he left.

Mum, who knows I'm ace and aro, gave me the gears about it, laughing. I eventually laughed along with her.. I mean, if that guy's going after me, does he ever have the wrong idea! While I may look like a cis female, I'm not. I'm agender and look more like a butch lesbian than a heterosexual woman.

I just can't understand why this kind of thing keeps happening. I sure as hell don't go seeking attention from guys. Any idea why this is still such a thing, despite me being practically the antithesis of female attractiveness? I just can't wrap my head around it.

How do you folks handle flirtation when you're just not interested?

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Maybe this guy got the wrong idea from watching a porno about a delivery man. ;)

I don't know, people will sometimes try to flirt with me even though I don't wear makeup or dress provocatively. If they don't have something I actually want/need(such as my restaurant order) I usually try to ignore them. If I know them or they have something I need I usually tell them I'm not interested pretty bluntly. Luckily I'm only aware of people flirting with me every few months or so. I'm also including things which I'm not sure would be actually considered flirting(such as direct comments about my physical appearance)

I find flirting awkward and I'm not entirely sure why people do it. If they want to ask someone out, they should just ask them out and forget the word games.

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Ugh, some men act entitled to a flirting session it's gross. I normally shut them down quickly and bluntly before ignoring them. Unless I'm at work. Then I make them spend money.

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1: There's no "Correct" appearance for being attractive. The definition of being attractive is simply that people find you attractive. It's much, much more subjective than our culture yells at us all the time. Clearly, he thinks you are attractive if he basically asked you out; Giving someone you card is not something someone who's just bored or or feels entitled to attention does. Asking why turns into a tautology really quick. He's attracted to you because he finds you attractive. That is all.

2: If you aren't comfortable with his attention, maybe you could tell him next time, or send him an e-mail asking he not do this. If he persists, shut that shit down. If he does stop, kudos to him for being respectful.

3: There's nothing weird about someone thinking you are attractive "even though" you don't present as traditionally feminine. That's really not the end-all and be-all of human sexuality. There is nothing wrong with you or your body as it is, celebrate your only-once-in-the-history-of-the-universe self, and wear whatever the hell you want in order to do so.

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I am fairly sure why he was flirting. He wanted a better tip. Flirting often gets better tips.

I've ordered food at bars, and the waitresses seem to like to bend down, more or less letting people stare down their shirts type of thing. It is a tactic to get better tips.

On the main topic of how I deal with flirting is by complete obliviousness. Either I am honestly oblivious, or, if it has gotten to the point of me actually noticing, I put up a wall of wilful ignorance.

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I tell them all I'm gay.

Very gay.

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Have you tried stonewalling? Just do not respond to any of his advances. Reply with on work/functional purposes.

Might make you seem unemotional and robotic thought...

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How do you folks handle flirtation when you're just not interested?

Awkwardly. But I'm like that for most one-on-one social situations, so nothing special there.

Having friends or my sisters around is a big help. Even when they don't know I'm asexual, I can always tell them some creeper is coming on to me, and they'll respond valiantly with the time-honored tactics of pulling me away on some handy pretext.

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The Terrible Travis

I've never had to deal with people flirting with me outside of a humorous tone, but usually I just flirt back with them.

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How do you folks handle flirtation when you're just not interested?

I maintain a neutral/poker face or whatever my expression was from before they started flirting. And I give non-committal one word replies.

Like this weekend a guy started talking (maybe flirting!) to me. He invited me to some party at some place/time. I didn't register anything he said and I just nodded. And gave him vague one-word answers. My longest reply was when he asked for my last name. I said 'I don't want to give my last name'. They loose interest in me in 5 minutes max.

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DannyFenton123

I find my natural response is the best way to shut down flirting:

Guy: Hey, my name is ____. What's yours, beautiful?

Me: ...Mandy. What's your name?

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One Winged Angel

I usually freeze up completely if somebody comes onto me, or even if they simply start probing into my 'relationships'. In that respect, I say nothing at all becuase my mind goes blank and I am basically thinking "look, just get out of my way will you and mind your own business." I have never told somebody I am gay becuase it would spread like wildfire in a small community and some people are very small minded. I think I hopefully give off enough of a cold impression to make people realise I'm not interested most of the time. But I agree - it's a nightmare!

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Anthracite_Impreza

Deflection; I have an oddly efficient ability to deflect any advances or conversation that bores me. Luckily I tend to get flirted at at the car wash where it's easy to just talk about cars instead ;)

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I flirt right back if a guy flirts with me. I'm asexual and aromantic but it's hilarious and also there are times, when flirting right back has its perks like getting a free lunch or dinner and once even a free brake repair (would've costed me nearly $500) and no strings attached. Only a few times have flirting right back kind of backfired like when I was more nice than flirting with some guy who decided to later stalk me and later hacked into my email account. So there are a few crazies but almost all the time, it's harmless. If I get asked out, I just say no thanks, I'm busy, no time.

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A) Ignore, because there's a 99% chance I don't even notice it (or recognize it as flirting.

Or

B) be extremely weirded out if it's obvious. (And show it.)

Countermeasures:

1) Wearing headphones at all times when not explicitly talking to people.

2) "Not available for conversation" aura.

3) Being obviously dismissive. (For example, if that guy gave me his card, I'd put it away without even looking at it, or him.)

4) Not going near other people in the first place.

5) Just walk away if all else fails.

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El-not-so-ace

My grandma told me that I had an unavailable aura for a while and actively avoiding guy friends meant that I rarely got flirted with or pursued. Though, funny thing is, it really messed with my self-confidence since some people seemed to be hit on almost every day and they weren't dropdead models either. :P

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UncommonNonsense

Thankfully, I've been able to avoid the guy. We've not ordered out for food from that restaurant since that night (though that has nothing to do with the flirty delivery guy. We've just been a little bored with their menu). I still can't wrap my head around why he chose to flirt with me, given my difference from what is considered attractive by most males (and the fact that I was wearing very loose, baggy, ink and paint-stained, patched and memded men's PJs at the time!), but I've decided to chalk that one up to people being impossible to figure out.

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Although it's only ever happened with a woman prostituting herself, I told her I'm asexual, she took that to mean I'm gay & left me alone, but it doesn't happen to me otherwise

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Upon the "why?": "If it exists, it must be somebody's fetish". - I'd quess 55% of cosmetics applications look less than flattering for the wearer? - Ink stained & mended clothes remind me of the semi-traumatic experience of an XGF attempting to bin my beloved ones that would surely have lasted another 2 years.

I suppose there are no fortunes to be earned with takeaway food deliveries, so frugal looking people might be more attractive than most decadent princesses? Same about height: Last time I looked into my vehicle's papers I noticed I don't have the payload to get myself a 3 dimensionally fully grown passenger...

BTW: If its you on your avatar picture you are quite good looking. (No worries, age gap aside I live too distant).

IDK how to stop flirting in general but in your case, I'd have apologized for a big urge to fork the grub while its at least still lukewarm. (I hate takeaway meals. they are usually cold till I get somewhere and might cause a mess I 'd have to clean up, so I rather sit and eat out. - I only bother with takeaway when some nice coworkers want something too.)

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SorryNotSorry

I get the hell away from there.

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