A Romantic Observer: Romantic Fantasies Not including Yourself

[confusedbat]

Hi, I just realized that for several years, probably since my preteens I have off and on enjoyed the occasional romantic fantasy with two characters, but not with myself involved. I even enjoy some of the romantic stories like Wuthering Heights and The Notebook (And many other movies with Ryan Gosling), but I never imagine myself as either character exchanging their affections. The fantasy also never goes beyond caresses and gazing into each other's eyes or dancing. They don't even kiss really. It's funny, but this is how my ideal romantic fantasy always plays out.

There have also been fantasies with a very benign dominant and a submissive gay partner, male or female, that I enjoyed back in high school when I was an anime/manga addict. But it never went beyond what I was comfortable with. Again neither of these characters I imagined to be myself. I have always been an observer looking in at these fantasies. This has probably been asked in different ways already but I don't know where to find such a topic. Is there a word for this when a person enjoys romance but not being IN the romance or pursuing/acting it out in real life?

[Guest]

Moved thread from Asexual Q&A to Romantic and Aromantic Orientations.

Nai

Asexual Q&A Co-Moderator

[fairytalefanfor1]

I love reading those and will not picture myself in one. Heck, I even write them. I am a huge book nerd and enjoy the romance and fantasy genres in particular. I don't really like the traditional ones because they are so boring and bland. I like the more strange and bizarre couples the most because their is more to it than just getting together. Some of my favorite odd couples from movies, books and Tv are Jessica and Roger Rabbit (Who Framed Roger Rabbit), Skrek and Fiona(Skrek), Felix and Calhun (Wreck It Ralph),Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth (Pride and Prejudice), Ella and Kit (Cinderella), Euragon and Arwen (The Lord Of The Rings), Tony Stark and Pepper Potts (Iron Man), Shawn and Jewels (Physch), Chuck and Sarah (Chuck) , Nagissa and Tomoyo (Clannad) and so one. So you can still like theses things, aromantic, asexual, or not.

[Sisky]

Maybe just "enjoying watching other people do stuff I don't necessarily want to do myself"? Fantasizing about anything that doesn't involve you isn't really any different from watching a movie or reading a book, it's just your own imagination instead of someone else's.

[Truth and Lies]

I'm the same way. I'm a complete romantic sap and I love reading and watching romance, but I never picture myself in any romantic relationship. That would kind of ruin it for me. Having two characters than can connect on that level is just very pleasant for me to write or imagine or read. (Also, I get very confused at those people who claim to wish they were in a relationship with *insert random character here*. I get that it's probably like... sort of joking... but... for me, if I put myself in the equation with a character I like, it would destroy the entire thing. :T)

As for a word for it... I think it's just a type of fantasizing. Fantasies don't always have to include yourself. :>

[verily-forsooth-egads]

Autochorisromantic, I believe.

[Truth and Lies]

Autochorisromantic, I believe.

Interesting... never heard of the term before. Well, so many terms are just cropping up these days, so it isn't surprising...

I found more information on this term within the depths of tumblr, so to share:

http://asexualsanonymous.tumblr.com/post/80131030132/do-you-think-you-could-possibly-clarify-the

• Autochoris- is a prefix that was coined by Anthony Bogaert who is pretty much the big name in asexuality research. It is more proposed as a theoretical thing by him than anything, to the best of my understanding. (I would LOVE to read a copy of his paper on the subject if anyone has it and would be willing to email it to me! It is, unfortunately, behind a paywall.) Essentially, he refers to it as a paraphilia, rather than a sexuality. What it is, is being aroused by (the original posts I’m seeing use attracted to here, but I’m not sure I like that phrasing?) sex that doesn’t involve you. Basically you’re taking yourself out of the attraction equation. (I know, I am grossly oversimplifying everything here, but it’s been a long day and I like small words.)
• Is it a sexuality/romantic orientation? In my opinion, no. Bogaert calls it a paraphilia, and I tend to agree with him.

  Does it originate within the aroace communities?No.

  Is it commonly used by aroace people? While a couple people appear to use the term specifically, and many identify with the sentiment, it isn’t commonly used.

Autochorissexualism is a disconnect between ones self and the sexual object/activity. In simplest terms, it’s like being aroused by sex that doesn’t involve YOU. For instance, somebody who is autochorissexual might have sexual fantasies, or enjoy reading erotica or viewing porn, but have no desire to actually be involved in the activities themselves.

In the same vein, an aromantic person may feel a similar thing in regards to romantic fantasies, enjoying the fantasies but having no desire to actual be involved in a romantic relationship.

[SkyWorld]

Maybe just "enjoying watching other people do stuff I don't necessarily want to do myself"? Fantasizing about anything that doesn't involve you isn't really any different from watching a movie or reading a book, it's just your own imagination instead of someone else's.

I agree with this.

I have felt the same way, but not necessarily often. Sometimes I like others' happiness in romance and sometimes I don't. Just a personal opinion, I feel like it's another one of those things that wouldn't be necessary to label myself with, whether or not I actually fit the definition.

[confusedbat]

I'm the same way. I'm a complete romantic sap and I love reading and watching romance, but I never picture myself in any romantic relationship. That would kind of ruin it for me. Having two characters than can connect on that level is just very pleasant for me to write or imagine or read. (Also, I get very confused at those people who claim to wish they were in a relationship with *insert random character here*. I get that it's probably like... sort of joking... but... for me, if I put myself in the equation with a character I like, it would destroy the entire thing. :T)

As for a word for it... I think it's just a type of fantasizing. Fantasies don't always have to include yourself. :>

Omg yes!! Me too, that always confuses me too. In my head when I hear people say that I think, "Why would you want to do that/be that?" XD

[confusedbat]

Autochorisromantic, I believe.

You're right, that's exactly it. I just looked it up and read it on asexual advice tumblr and it was very interesting. It happens to anyone of any sexuality. I've never heard of this until now.

[Velma]

I was just writing a in this in another thread. I think of very vivid romantic and sexual scenarios. I'm never involved at all. The scenarios are so vivid and I feel so attached to the characters that for several years I thought it was proof that I wasn't asexual. How could I think so much about sex and romance if I were asexual? Is it really necessary for me to be involved in the fantasies?

I'm not aro, but I think it's the same deal.

[confusedbat]

I was just writing a in this in another thread. I think of very vivid romantic and sexual scenarios. I'm never involved at all. The scenarios are so vivid and I feel so attached to the characters that for several years I thought it was proof that I wasn't asexual. How could I think so much about sex and romance if I were asexual? Is it really necessary for me to be involved in the fantasies?

I'm not aro, but I think it's the same deal.

Oh okay, yeah I had a feeling I wasn't the only one wondering this. Yeah, I completely agree. It's so nice to think about, and so vivid it's downright intoxicating.

Maybe just "enjoying watching other people do stuff I don't necessarily want to do myself"? Fantasizing about anything that doesn't involve you isn't really any different from watching a movie or reading a book, it's just your own imagination instead of someone else's.

Well there's nothing wrong with being curious to learn seemingly pointless things. I'm not the only one who has wondered this. There's a word for this that someone has told me, so if you're curious you could scroll down, the answers are very interesting.

. My fantasies are pretty low key with the sexual activity (Ah sorry if that sounded really school warm-ish lol) but they're very touchy feely mushy romantic lol, now that I think about it, there has been some kissing involved. Hehe, yeah the mind can be a weird, beautiful fascinating place.

[noxyoursox]

I don't experience any romantic attraction as far as I can tell (what is "romantic" is pretty hard to define) but I get a huge kick out of matchmaking my romantic friends and/or watching them go crazy head-over-heels for someone. Maybe I'm just a meddler, lol. It's like their excitement and happy feelings are contagious. :)