Transgender? TW for Transphobia, Long Post

[DannyFenton123]

I've just had a bad day today but as these thoughts are still fresh in my mind I thought I'd share.

So I posted on the venting forum recently about my middle sister, who was ranting to me in the car about how she'd have to apologise to a transgender person's partner at work because of a slur she'd used in front of them, with no clue that they might understandably not be cool with it. So this really pee'd me off, but in some weird way it got me thinking about my own gender identity.

About as far as I've gotten is that I do have a gender, just not male or female. Whether this is serious enough to be dysphoria or not, I can't stand that I have breasts and would like to have them removed. And I know that wanting surgery isn't necessarily trans, but... I dunno. I feel like that would ground me a little better, help me understand my feelings a little more.

But it's also terrifying. Because apart from my older sister and perhaps my dad (though that's greatly questionable) My family is transphobic. My grandfather couldn't care less about sexual orientations, but flips shit if I'm not being 'ladylike' enough. My aunt is all for my gay half-brother and his partner getting married, but mention something transgender and she goes so far as to accuse them of 'bringing down the gay rights movement' And my middle sister, see example above. I don't think I'd get kicked out, but I would be harrassed a lot.

So, checklist. Wait until I am old enough to hopefully get a car and a job. Check out and treat mental health issues privately. Twiddle with thumbs another long amount of years until I can get to college, hopefully. Hopefully pass college, live financially independent from family. Then perhaps I can see somebody about surgery.

This list is getting too elaborate for me.

[Wallflowerbaby13]

Hi Danny! I am sorry to hear that you've had a bad day, and it sounds like a lot is going on. I don't think I have any real advice for you, but I just wanted to say hi! You are not alone. It sounds like you may be on the young side of life and still dependent on your family? and it doesn't sound like you have confidence in sharing your feelings with them. If you do not feel safe or confident doing so then please do not feel obligated to do so! You owe no one an explanation. Just having the courage to listen to yourself and questioning and searching is a huge accomplishment! And not everything needs to be figured out now! I know this probably doesn't help, but what I am still realizing, is at no fixed point in my life is everything going to be perfect. I am probably never going to have it all figured out. There are so many people in the world and so much knowledge continually growing and changing. Especially in our time of technology where we can post every thought, every minute of every day. Communicate across countries and cultures... I digress. Perhaps for now just knowing a bit more about yourself is okay. Maybe looking into getting a binder someday and wearing it where your family isn't around. Maybe just keep pushing forward as best you can until you are independent and can choose in all confidence who to tell and when without fear. Dysphoria or not, you are perfect as you are! Trans or not, you are perfect as you are! Labels are just words in the end. Try to love what is on the inside, and hopefully later you can decide however you want to look. God, I hope this doesn't sound too preachy or cliche. I just want you to feel better!

[Starlit Sky]

I'm not going to lie: I don't know much about gender identity (outside of the basic "male" and "female," of course), and I am only really just now starting to explore it. However . . . some of the members of your family . . . ugh. I'm sorry that they just really are NOT so accepting of trans people, non-binary people, and just anyone who doesn't identify as what they believe is "right." I do really hate that most of your family makes you feel so unsupported. :(

[Busrider]

From a conservative POV: the best years to be kind of female seem to be while you are young. A coworker (50+) recently told about his father demanding the daughter in law to wear dresses and offering money to buy those if needed. - IDK how close they lived together but I guess it makes sense to sometimes adapt to such folks wishes.

Sad to hear you have that many siblings. - I suppose that makes the your parents' makeshift-son role less available? - Anyhow: be yourself and patch yourself with therapy & counseling until you are well padded enough to transition independently in a new environment.

I'm male and know little about breasts, but in case you are annoyed by more than a B cup, I'd at least start building up a medical record about suffering from their weight. - Also be careful to not gather much weight elsewhere; at least around here the health care system suggests dieting in general when chubbier chicks want free breast reductions. - Good luck!

[Baam]

I'm sorry you've had to deal with this. People so openly opposed to trans* people confuse and anger me. My family shares similar views as yours, but not as bad I don't think. My mother calls them 'its', though. If only she knew I was trans*. :) :) :)

My checklist is pretty similar to yours, to be honest. Get a job. Finish (and start xD) uni. Get a car. Become independent. Treat mental health issues privately (that they don't believe exist). Treat (chronic) physical health issues privately (that I don't understand why they didn't get me treated for when I was younger).

If you wanna PM me, we can go through our similar journeys together? I think that'd be cool. I'm looking at getting bottom surgery rather than top, though.

[Roboto]

Hey Danny! I've had some experience with trans and non-binary issues that might help you. I'm 19 years old, born as female but never identified with the label and body. But I never saw myself as male either and still don't.

I knew I would be happier with a masculine body, so I went to a gender therapist (in germany though, where healthcare covers everything), never told him that I don't fully identify as male, he diagnosed me with "Transsexualism" and referred me to an endocrinologist who gave me Testosterone. I now look somewhat gender-neutral/male and I'm super happy with it. I'll have the mastectomy this year, but since then binders (I love the short binders from gc2b) helped tremendously with my chest dysphoria.

My family gave me shit about it at first, but there are always other people who understand you and want to help you. Now I am so glad I overcame my fear and just did it.

I hope that helps you a little and good luck!

[Dodecahedron314]

*hugs* I know it can be really hard to be trans with an unsupportive family--I didn't figure out my gender until I was already pretty much out of high school, but my QPP came out earlier, and it makes me so angry how ignorant and stubborn his family has been about the whole thing. I don't know how long you'll have to wait, but hopefully the job and car happen soon enough that you can start doing what you need to do (I second Wallflowerbaby13's suggestion of getting a binder at some point and maybe just wearing it at school where you won't have to deal with your family's judgement, it really can make a huge difference). It is possible to start transitioning before you get out of college--I know someone who's a sophomore in college and has already had top surgery and is on T, so you might not need to wait as long as you might have originally thought. I don't know how your monetary situation compares to his, or whether you live somewhere that covers transitional stuff under Obamacare and such (or will do so by the time you're in college), but at the very least it's proof that it's possible. And don't underestimate the power of commiserating with people who are going through the same thing--you're always welcome to vent as much as you need to, and you'll always find a sympathetic ear here in the gender subforum. Sometimes it might not seem like much, but every little bit can help in a situation where you don't get any support from your family. (Also, you might perhaps start observing your friends at school and seeing if any of them might be sympathetic and if you trust them to not out you to your family. Again, every little bit helps.)

Stay strong--it won't be easy, but you'll get there. I believe in you.

[DannyFenton123]

Thank you for all the kind words and advice!

There isn't really a lot I can do at the moment; I have no money and can't drive. That'll change in not too long, so I could start doing some small things. But I don't think I'd be able to do binding or surgery until maybe college?

I live in Arizona, where a quick search has ot revealed their stance on healthcare.

[Dodecahedron314]

Thank you for all the kind words and advice!

There isn't really a lot I can do at the moment; I have no money and can't drive. That'll change in not too long, so I could start doing some small things. But I don't think I'd be able to do binding or surgery until maybe college?

I live in Arizona, where a quick search has ot revealed their stance on healthcare.

Ouch. I lived in Arizona until high school, and you have my condolences--it tends to be a pretty backwards place, as I'm sure you already know. It might be possible to minimize your chest, if not completely get rid of it--maybe look into layered sports bras or tank tops with built-in shelf bras. They won't get you completely flat (which probably wouldn't be what you would be going for anyway if you're trying to stay under the radar, as it were), but they're perfectly normal things to have that just so happen to also make your chest less noticeable, especially if paired with looser fitting clothes, so hopefully that could help until you're more free to take care of it once you're away from your family.