Coming out?

[A.D.Y.]

Hi, I am fourteen, and just recently I realised I might be asexual. I only came out to my brother, who doesn't really think it matters, and is now considering coming out to my parents.

Me and my parents never really had the talk on sexual orientations, and I don't know how they might react if I just straight up let it blow up in their face, so I decided to take it the slow and careful route.

I asked my mother on homosexuality, to see her opinions.

Now, are we allowed to talk about religions on this site? If not, I am very sorry I offended the rules.

My family is all Christians. My mother is always the one that is strong with her own views, most of which from church. She said that God made Eve to serve Adam, meaning a family will only work out if there is a mom and a dad, not two dads, or two moms. She used another example from the bible, and from what the person said in church and all the stuff. Overall her view is that homosexuality is not what God wanted, because we are suppose to make children, and it is bad.

That really scared me. I never realised how any religion might have negative views on any sexual orientation. It just never crossed my mind. If I told her I am asexual, she might take it the wrong way and make a big (and unnecessary) fuss on it.

I didn't ask my dad. Either he can't care less, or stands on the same side as mom.

Should I try and change my mom's views? Does this suggest maybe I should wait, or never come out to my parents? I will absolutely be fine for them to never know, but is this the way I should go?

Answers will be much appreciated! : D

[WinterWanderer]

My parents are the same way. Coming out to them is a nightmare I've been avoiding.

However.. I've found that people who don't understand sexual orientations very well respond better when you don't actually mention the word "asexual." Because for many people, asexual either brings to mind biology or being gay, and neither are really what asexuality means.

So, to start off talking to someone like that, I would go with a description of how you feel first. Such as, "I'm just not attracted to anyone. I'm not interested in having sex with anyone - not girls or guys. I don't see the point. It's not for me." And just see where that goes.

[arthurh]

I honestly would avoid it until you for a fact understand what asexuality is and what it means to you. If you just casually come up to your dad and say "I am asexual and don't want to have sex with people" they won't be able to take you as seriously as if you said:

"This is who I am and this is what I have come to find out about myself. No it isn't a phase and I wouldn't be coming to you to talk about something like this if it wasn't important to me. Relationships have been difficult for me because I have always felt as if they are missing something or as if there is more to them than I actually want. I am sorry but I don't ever want to get married or have kids in the future. I am not even sure I want a relationship they just feel awful to me. Before you even say it is just a phase I have been trying to deal with this for years and no it isn't a phase or I would have felt something by now at my age through the relationships I have had. I would appreciate it if you would support me through this. Thank you"

Be really careful if you do come out like this because some parents become really offended by the no marriage and kids thing (if this is the type of ace you are). I personally am not but I have read enough comments to know some people are really like this. I have heard of some people being disowned for admitting they do not want children in the future. Please think about what you plan on saying and keep in mind you are relatively young and that most people tend to think sexuality works in phases so make sure you have counter arguments to things that could be said in response. I honestly don't see the point in coming out as ace because I don't think it would change anything tbh. Good Luck!

[Lightning Blue Ray]

I have had a similar problem. One day, my dad was scrolling through his facebook feed, and he saw my updated profile picture which was basically just a picture of me with the ace flag filter. It was captioned 'ace pride' or something like that. My dad asked me what ace pride was, so I told him. He told me to try to keep that sort of thing down, because people might see it on facebook and be led astray. I was confused because I'm a Christian, and I really don't see anything wrong with being asexual. But anyway, I just nodded because I didn't want to argue.

Another time, I tried to come out again to my dad by looking for wallets with ace pride patterns on Zazzle. I showed him what I wanted, and he was quite okay with it until he saw the URL, which contained the word asexual. He said that God made us sexual beings, I shouldn't be using the word asexual. So...yeah, I think that my parents, who are conservative Christians, think that asexuality is not not sinful. Also, they keep saying things like, "Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of arrows" (referring to children) or "Children are a blessing from God." I understand, even agree, that children are a gift from God. But I think that not everyone is meant to have children, or even get married. And that's something I notice my parents keep quiet about. I know they want grandchildren, provided my brother and I have our own spouses first. The vibe I'm getting is that my parents don't believe in asexuality. In the end, I decided to stay quiet about being ace and only bring up jokes/subtle references to asexuality, but I can't really talk about it with my family.

[One Winged Angel]

I agree with fiorya in that if you must open a conversation about this matter, it is better to avoid the terminology at first. For some people, springing a word upon them like "Asexual" (or even worse - "Asexual community"), can conjure up images of cults and all sorts of things if you aren't careful.

​It can also be difficult if you are not entirely sure of your stance on the Ace spectrum. It would make an already difficult thing even harder if you came across as confused on the matter.

To be honest, I suggest avoiding any sort of "coming out" for the time being, unless you really want to do it. ​As for the religious considerations, this can very upsetting and difficult. Any sort of "coming out" can end in tears, no matter how positive you imagined it would go in your head. Knowing this, I would certainly suggest that you do not attempt to change the views of your parents. It can take many years for acceptance to take place, and sometimes it just has to happen 'naturally' and take it's own course.

[Ace_Kat]

If you are not comfortable coming out to your parents, then you do not have to. You are you, you are the only one who decides who to come out to.

[Cinnamon Biscuit]

I think everyone gave sound advice concerning "coming out". Concerning a conflict with christian theology and asexuality, it actually shouldn't be an issue. While of course certain groups will have aversions to non heterosexual orientations and argue marriage is the only way to please God. I'd argue Biblically asexuality is supported through passages about marriage and eunuchs. Never mind Paul, Jesus, and many others lived alternative lifestyles with no sexual partners, no marriage, nor children. I won't post scripture out of respect, but use an online concordance to look up scripture if you want. That way if one day they argue with you that's it's not acceptable, you have something to back yourself up. Even if your parents refuse to believe asexuality is real, theologically they "shouldn't" have an issue with an asexual lifestyle.

You should be able to freely share your thoughts on the subject, but it is hard for many parents to transition away from "parenting" role. Be mindful of that. Also, it's not your responsibility to change your parent's mind, fix them, or make them see the light. You're only responsible for you and your own thoughts. Nevermind you likely can't change your parents, but it's up to them whether they can or will accept alternative sexualities or lifestyles. Accept they may never change. Respect their right to be themselves and think for themselves, even if they won't respect you. If only for the sake of your own sanity and happiness. In my experience, change is slow and all you can do is set a positive example. I was made fun of by my mother when I started to eat nutritionally better foods. I mostly ignored her jabs but kept a positive attitude and through natural conversation mentioned the healthy benefits, cooked meals to share, and enjoyed it for myself. I wasn't trying to change her, I was just being myself. Now my mom will not only buy healthier items for herself but she'll tell others the benefits she once laughed about to my face. She changed, but this took years of her changing on her own.

[ciarose]

I come from a family of Christians, and am one, so I understand how hard this can be. If you feel the need to tell your parents then by all means, do tell them, but if you don't want to yet or aren't ready, that's perfectly fine. This past summer I was talking about homosexuality with my mom and she had mentioned this video, which if you have the time, definitely watch it. I watched it in chunks because it's pretty long. It's by fairly reputable (at least I think) Pastor in California that did a lot of studying of the Bible and he doesn't believe homosexuality is wrong. Here's the link to it,

I hope this helps!

[ciarose]

And just to add, if you do come out to your parents, I would try to do it in a mature, thought out way. That way they may not take it as something that's just a phase for you. And even if they disagree with you, it'll still be okay. Best of luck!

[deltaX]

I'm sorry to hear that your parents weren't very understanding when you tried to test things out by bringing up homosexuality. As a Christian myself, it makes me really sad to see other Christians judging others for something like sexual orientation that they have no control over, but that's probably a rant for a different thread.

Anyway, just because your parents disapprove of homosexuality for religious reasons doesn't nessecarily mean that they will disapprove of asexualiy as well. Many Christians, even some of the ones who are homophobic, see it as a calling from God into the single life or a gift that helps you be freer from temptations. St Paul even said it on of his letters, that for some people who have the "gift of singleness" like he did, it can be better not to marry.

That being said though, there's not much way to know how your parents will react unless you tell them. If you have any fear that they might react negatively, or if you just don't want to tell them right now, then you don't have to. Coming out is something you only have to do if you personally want to, and despite what you might think, you're not under any obligation to tell your parents. Your orientation is your business, and your safety and comfort comes first.

[Blue Phoenix Ace]

I will absolutely be fine for them to never know

I think you've answered your own question. You're in a position where you are dependent on your parents for your well-being. It might be best not to tell them until you are more independent. It sounds like you aren't bursting at the seams with excitement to tell them, so maybe it's best not to risk it for now. Besides, with more time, you will better understand your own feelings, and be able to articulate better.

[cuppa차]

I personally think coming out is silly under any context other than someone you 1. want to have deep discussions about with sexuality or 2. someone you're romantically/sexually interested in. Only tell those you think would care to know and not change anything.