Coming out to myself (and AVEN, I guess)

[Mezzo Forte]

I was originally going to post in the transmasculine thread, but I ended up spewing even more word vomit than I predicted (and I'm still holding back), so I guess I'll make my own thread.

I don't know when I'll be able to transition, but the least I can do is come out to myself with AVEN as my witness.

I'm a man.

A 103lb (46.7kg), 5'3" (160cm) man with hair almost to his knees, moobs that need to get chopped off ASAP, a tragic lack of facial hair, and a history of being perceived as a woman, but a man nonetheless.

For the sake of masking my wall of text, I'm going to spoiler sections by topic.

Musings on questioning:

I'd say that I needed these past four years of questioning to figure it out, but even if I didn't question it, I think this part of me would have forced its way out one way or another. It's a ringing in my ear that gets louder and louder every day, with previously inaudible overtones and harmonies becoming clearer as the sound is forced into my consciousness.

I spent a lot of my questioning years trying to bargain. "At least my chest is small, right?" "At least I have a somewhat naturally androgynous appearance, right?" "Maybe I can just go the path of least resistance and let people just assume I'm a girl?" "Maybe I can just wear men's clothing and be fine?" "Maybe I can just get top surgery and be fine?" "I can't be trans because ____."

Funny how asexuality can click immediately in a single lightbulb moment, and aromanticism can click within 2~3 months of contemplation after learning the terms, yet my gender, the one identity out of these three that's not built on the absence of something, took me four years of contemplation after my first realization that "If I'm not straight by default, then I guess I'm not cis by default either."

The closet:

I still deal with the "what if I'm wrong?" line of thought, but nowadays, I'm more scared about being right. There's comfort in having an invisible orientation. I can be myself without being obligated to come out or alter my behavior to stay closeted. I can just not give a shit if people think I'm gay or straight, and I can come out at my discretion to avoid the questions I hate fielding.

The gender closet feels much more restrictive and terrifyingly public. I know that the biggest thing that stops me from passing is my hair, which at times feels like the physical embodiment of my closet. (It's grown out of both care and neglect, stops me from being seen how I want to be seen, gets heavier and harder to cut every day, and cutting it is incredibly public and cannot be undone.)

Despite the word vomit, I'm actually a very private person IRL. I hate negative attention with a passion, and discussing gender makes me feel way too vulnerable for my liking. But transitioning is a pretty public process, and losing the option of discretion makes me dread dealing with the people that I have no interest in discussing this with.

Career fears:

When I think about really going for passing and officially coming out, my biggest fear is not the reactions of my family, close friends, or even my peers, but rather my relationship with the university faculty I am currently working with, as well as the ones I will work with when I start my doctorate in 1.5 years. As a music student, I work very closely with a handful of professors, and while I would trust the most of the people I work with now to be understanding, I still dread the awkwardness of even bringing up such a thing and still fear any risk that could potentially damage my relationship with my professors. (But then, what if I meet with them again years down the road, post-transition and never said so much as a word about it?)

And what about my doctorate? I don't think I can hold off on my transition until after my doctorate (not without really bad risks to my mental health), nor do I want to postpone my doctoral studies in the name of transition, but there's no way to gauge how the faculty at these other institutions will react.

And scariest of all is if this adds roadblocks to my career. I'm taking enough risks as-is by choosing to be a musician, but I don't want to start over from scratch because of my transition, nor do I really like the idea of being openly trans. (For once in my life, I'd like to cope by doing something other than running away, so I may not have much of a choice on the openness part.) I think about my relationship with various famous composers and percussionists I've met over the years, and while I want to assume the best in these people who have not only left profound impacts on my life, but also turned out to be really kind/likable people, yet there's always the lingering "what if this goes sour?" I think about the possibility of universities turning me down when I apply to be a professor, or the possibility that I would lose performance opportunities over this, or that publishers would turn me down when I try to compose music or present my research.

"Musician" is by far my most important identity, and I don't want my trans identity to jeopardize my chances of leading a successful career in my field.

Some concluding thoughts:

This doesn't even scratch the surface of just how much is going through my head concerning my identity and inevitable transition. I've already said more than I wanted, but I guess this is better than having everything trapped in my head and demanding my attention during very inopportune moments. (These thoughts still are going to force themselves into the front of my consciousness, but maybe being less evasive about the topic will help. I'm at a point where I know that I really need to see a therapist about this, though I wish I didn't have to worry about how to pay for one.) I am going to transition someday, but I'm struggling to find my footing so I can begin my journey in earnest. I hope that coming out here will give me some momentum or at least stop my brain from exploding with thoughts in regards to this topic when I should be doing stuff like practicing percussion, writing papers, or grading them >>

I just want to at least feel like I'm doing something about my gender issues to move forward so I can get on with my life.

[Evren]

*hugs* You can do it man, It will be hard, but the years of your life that you already went through were hard to. Congrats for coming out to yourself, I think that sometimes that takes the most guts.

[Mezzo Forte]

*hugs* You can do it man, It will be hard, but the years of your life that you already went through were hard to. Congrats for coming out to yourself, I think that sometimes that takes the most guts.

Thanks so much Evren. Terrifying as it all is, there is definitely more peace in finally knowing after all these years of question marks floating over my head. I feel like I live a good life, and to say otherwise would be a huge disservice to my family and dear friends. I've thankfully had some good high points to balance out the lows that came from gender issues and unrelated stuff. (I think that's partially why coming out has been so difficult; I don't feel like I have a right to be a downer because of all the good in my life.) I have no delusions that this will be easy, even if I probably have less roadblocks than the average trans person.

I wish you the best of luck in all your endeavors, my good sir!

[Anthracite_Impreza]

Copious amounts of for you; coming out is a very hard thing to do! I wish you the best of luck with your family, friends and colleagues (and career of course) :)

[butterflydreams]

This post took guts. Manly guts. for you. Seriously. I really enjoyed reading this, and I'm very happy for you!

I'm a man.

A 103lb (46.7kg), 5'3" (160cm) man with hair almost to his knees, moobs that need to get chopped off ASAP, a tragic lack of facial hair, and a history of being perceived as a woman, but a man nonetheless.

Sounds fine to me :) Wanna know the best part about being a short guy (or just short in general)? You can comfortably drive all the best European sports cars :lol:

Musings on questioning:

I'd say that I needed these past four years of questioning to figure it out, but even if I didn't question it, I think this part of me would have forced its way out one way or another. It's a ringing in my ear that gets louder and louder every day, with previously inaudible overtones and harmonies becoming clearer as the sound is forced into my consciousness.

I spent a lot of my questioning years trying to bargain. "At least my chest is small, right?" "At least I have a somewhat naturally androgynous appearance, right?" "Maybe I can just go the path of least resistance and let people just assume I'm a girl?" "Maybe I can just wear men's clothing and be fine?" "Maybe I can just get top surgery and be fine?" "I can't be trans because ____."

Funny how asexuality can click immediately in a single lightbulb moment, and aromanticism can click within 2~3 months of contemplation after learning the terms, yet my gender, the one identity out of these three that's not built on the absence of something, took me four years of contemplation after my first realization that "If I'm not straight by default, then I guess I'm not cis by default either."

Nah, this makes 100% sense. If it's any help, you sound a lot like me :) Take the time you need, let what needs to be be, and most importantly, remember to smile and enjoy the ride.

The closet:

I still deal with the "what if I'm wrong?" line of thought, but nowadays, I'm more scared about being right. There's comfort in having an invisible orientation. I can be myself without being obligated to come out or alter my behavior to stay closeted. I can just not give a shit if people think I'm gay or straight, and I can come out at my discretion to avoid the questions I hate fielding.

The gender closet feels much more restrictive and terrifyingly public. I know that the biggest thing that stops me from passing is my hair, which at times feels like the physical embodiment of my closet. (It's grown out of both care and neglect, stops me from being seen how I want to be seen, gets heavier and harder to cut every day, and cutting it is incredibly public and cannot be undone.)

Despite the word vomit, I'm actually a very private person IRL. I hate negative attention with a passion, and discussing gender makes me feel way too vulnerable for my liking. But transitioning is a pretty public process, and losing the option of discretion makes me dread dealing with the people that I have no interest in discussing this with.

Yup. I think you eventually arrive at an attitude of "well, those are the breaks. C'est la vie" and just get on with it. I felt exactly the same way, I really did. Give it time. You'll be so surprised at how it seems to "just happen on its own". It's still mind-numbingly difficult, but reality just sort of happens :)

Some concluding thoughts:

This doesn't even scratch the surface of just how much is going through my head concerning my identity and inevitable transition. I've already said more than I wanted, but I guess this is better than having everything trapped in my head and demanding my attention during very inopportune moments. (These thoughts still are going to force themselves into the front of my consciousness, but maybe being less evasive about the topic will help. I'm at a point where I know that I really need to see a therapist about this, though I wish I didn't have to worry about how to pay for one.) I am going to transition someday, but I'm struggling to find my footing so I can begin my journey in earnest. I hope that coming out here will give me some momentum or at least stop my brain from exploding with thoughts in regards to this topic when I should be doing stuff like practicing percussion, writing papers, or grading them >>

I just want to at least feel like I'm doing something about my gender issues to move forward so I can get on with my life.

Well, I think this is a giant step, and one you should be proud of. I can't tell you for sure that there's a life beyond gender issues, because I'm still getting there myself, but I truly deeply believe there is. I wouldn't be doing what I'm doing if I didn't.

Thank you for sharing what you have here. I know that couldn't have been easy. If this was a kind of "first step" it was a great one. I wish you the very best of luck and all good things ^_^

[LadyErzsebet]

You can do it! (I don't really have any words at the moment but you have my best supportive sentiments :D )

[Mezzo Forte]

This post took guts. Manly guts. for you. Seriously. I really enjoyed reading this, and I'm very happy for you!

Thank you, and I appreciate that you took the time to read my scrambled thoughts. I never imagined that being directly referred to as a man or as manly would make me smile as much as it has, but I am grateful for your kind words. :)

I'm a man.

A 103lb (46.7kg), 5'3" (160cm) man with hair almost to his knees, moobs that need to get chopped off ASAP, a tragic lack of facial hair, and a history of being perceived as a woman, but a man nonetheless.

Sounds fine to me :) Wanna know the best part about being a short guy (or just short in general)? You can comfortably drive all the best European sports cars :lol:

I can certainly appreciate that! (I sometime use the term "travel sized" to describe my height, but I suppose that can mean "travel-in-style sized" too!) I have a friend who is around 6'7" who owns a sports car, and he's way too huge for that thing, to the point that you can't sit behind the driver's seat without pinning your legs.

My professor that I work for is barely taller than me, and his metric is "My height or shorter" = "of normal height" while "Taller than me" = "freakishly tall." Height comes up as a factor more often than you'd think in percussion, so he refers to me as "of normal height" quite often when I assist the Percussion Skills class.

Musings on questioning:

I'd say that I needed these past four years of questioning to figure it out, but even if I didn't question it, I think this part of me would have forced its way out one way or another. It's a ringing in my ear that gets louder and louder every day, with previously inaudible overtones and harmonies becoming clearer as the sound is forced into my consciousness.

I spent a lot of my questioning years trying to bargain. "At least my chest is small, right?" "At least I have a somewhat naturally androgynous appearance, right?" "Maybe I can just go the path of least resistance and let people just assume I'm a girl?" "Maybe I can just wear men's clothing and be fine?" "Maybe I can just get top surgery and be fine?" "I can't be trans because ____."

Funny how asexuality can click immediately in a single lightbulb moment, and aromanticism can click within 2~3 months of contemplation after learning the terms, yet my gender, the one identity out of these three that's not built on the absence of something, took me four years of contemplation after my first realization that "If I'm not straight by default, then I guess I'm not cis by default either."

Nah, this makes 100% sense. If it's any help, you sound a lot like me :) Take the time you need, let what needs to be be, and most importantly, remember to smile and enjoy the ride.

:) One of my favorite attributes in an educator is patience, and as someone who teaches (even if just as a grad assistant), I should definitely keep even my personal impatience in check. There's certainly a simultaneous pressure to both speed up and slow down, but if I learned anything about percussion, it's that you need to be relaxed to play fast passages. (That and when practicing, to always start as slow as you need to be able to play something perfectly.)

The closet:

I still deal with the "what if I'm wrong?" line of thought, but nowadays, I'm more scared about being right. There's comfort in having an invisible orientation. I can be myself without being obligated to come out or alter my behavior to stay closeted. I can just not give a shit if people think I'm gay or straight, and I can come out at my discretion to avoid the questions I hate fielding.

The gender closet feels much more restrictive and terrifyingly public. I know that the biggest thing that stops me from passing is my hair, which at times feels like the physical embodiment of my closet. (It's grown out of both care and neglect, stops me from being seen how I want to be seen, gets heavier and harder to cut every day, and cutting it is incredibly public and cannot be undone.)

Despite the word vomit, I'm actually a very private person IRL. I hate negative attention with a passion, and discussing gender makes me feel way too vulnerable for my liking. But transitioning is a pretty public process, and losing the option of discretion makes me dread dealing with the people that I have no interest in discussing this with.

Yup. I think you eventually arrive at an attitude of "well, those are the breaks. C'est la vie" and just get on with it. I felt exactly the same way, I really did. Give it time. You'll be so surprised at how it seems to "just happen on its own". It's still mind-numbingly difficult, but reality just sort of happens :)

Your sentiments are certainly comforting! I think dealing with other people asking questions will end up an annoyance more than anything else once I'm out, especially now that there's actually a sense of even footing for my gender identity. Most of the people who truly matter to me, I have zero doubt will accept me, though I admit that I'd be more than a little heartbroken if I lost my friendship with my favorite composer or if I strained my student-mentor relationship with the professor I work for over something like this. (I couldn't imagine either of them doing such a thing, but I just don't know enough about their attitudes concerning gender to know for sure.)

Some concluding thoughts:

This doesn't even scratch the surface of just how much is going through my head concerning my identity and inevitable transition. I've already said more than I wanted, but I guess this is better than having everything trapped in my head and demanding my attention during very inopportune moments. (These thoughts still are going to force themselves into the front of my consciousness, but maybe being less evasive about the topic will help. I'm at a point where I know that I really need to see a therapist about this, though I wish I didn't have to worry about how to pay for one.) I am going to transition someday, but I'm struggling to find my footing so I can begin my journey in earnest. I hope that coming out here will give me some momentum or at least stop my brain from exploding with thoughts in regards to this topic when I should be doing stuff like practicing percussion, writing papers, or grading them >>

I just want to at least feel like I'm doing something about my gender issues to move forward so I can get on with my life.

Well, I think this is a giant step, and one you should be proud of. I can't tell you for sure that there's a life beyond gender issues, because I'm still getting there myself, but I truly deeply believe there is. I wouldn't be doing what I'm doing if I didn't.

Thank you for sharing what you have here. I know that couldn't have been easy. If this was a kind of "first step" it was a great one. I wish you the very best of luck and all good things ^_^

If it's not a first step, then it's certainly at least a big one! I imagine that we'll both find the mysterious land beyond gender issues in due time, and I wish you the best of luck getting there.

Thanks so much for your thoughtful reply Hadley. You definitely made me smile :)

[Dodecahedron314]

As a fellow trans musician, I'm really heartened to see all the comparisons you've noted between music and the gender process, as it were--if there's hope for me to finally be able to play all the really fast parts of Gillingham's Heroes, Lost and Fallen (that's what we're working on in wind ensemble right now), then maybe there's hope for me to be comfortable with myself and my identity, too. I'm in a similar place with worrying about how "out" I can afford to be while still maintaining the respect of professors with the power to determine my grade and my opportunities in my field (although to a different degree, because I'm still an undergrad), and I wish there was an easy answer to that. All I can say is that no matter what, I hope everyone sees you on stage (and in life!) for who you really are--a great man with great skills. Much and hugs (if desired) to you.

[Emery.]

As for university, from my experience and what I've heard...

1. It depends where you are. Trying to be in an open place can ease things up.

2. When you're okey with yourself, and treat being trans as a normal thing, others are also more likely to be okey with it.

Also, I play drums too :) High five, man! But I'm not as professional as you are.

[Mezzo Forte]

As a fellow trans musician, I'm really heartened to see all the comparisons you've noted between music and the gender process, as it were--if there's hope for me to finally be able to play all the really fast parts of Gillingham's Heroes, Lost and Fallen (that's what we're working on in wind ensemble right now), then maybe there's hope for me to be comfortable with myself and my identity, too. I'm in a similar place with worrying about how "out" I can afford to be while still maintaining the respect of professors with the power to determine my grade and my opportunities in my field (although to a different degree, because I'm still an undergrad), and I wish there was an easy answer to that. All I can say is that no matter what, I hope everyone sees you on stage (and in life!) for who you really are--a great man with great skills. Much and hugs (if desired) to you.

Meeting a fellow trans musician on here is definitely comforting, Dodec. :) I wish there were more public narratives about the classically-trained route especially so we could at least have some idea of what to expect for the future. I'm glad that my music/gender comparisons help you as well, as they came to mind as a way for me to relate a part of me I know well (the musician) to the part of me that I don't (the man). Ohhh Gillingham always writes fun stuff, and I've actually played three of his percussion works all in different ensembles. (I just played bass marimba in Whirlwind last year, actually.) There's certainly hope for both your music and your gender journeys! There's no one correct way to approach learning a piece of music, and what works in one scenario might not help in another, but I hope you find your own way to learn the tough sections of Heroes, Lost and Fallen and enjoy the process!

I actually stayed at the same university from my undergrad, so I've been working closely with some of the music faculty for nearly five years. These professors have nominated me for scholarships (that I had no idea about until I won them), landed me increased assistantship hours by vouching for my writing skills, thrown gigs in my lap, and some have even personally asked to write my recommendation letters for my doctorate. Not to mention that I was originally rejected from the school of music in my undergrad, and my percussion professor personally prepared me for my second audition.

Even in undergrad, I imagine that you're working closely enough with faculty to add extra gender pressures, so I can definitely relate to what you deal with. I refuse to perform in dresses/heels/cosmetics by painting them as potential performance risks, though I imagine that wind players (I apologize if I'm assuming wrong, but I imagine that you play a wind instrument) have less viable excuses in that regard.

I wish you the best of luck as a comrade, and here's to hoping that we both will be successful in our music careers!

As for university, from my experience and what I've heard...

1. It depends where you are. Trying to be in an open place can ease things up.

2. When you're okey with yourself, and treat being trans as a normal thing, others are also more likely to be okey with it.

Also, I play drums too :) High five, man! But I'm not as professional as you are.

Thanks for the advice Emery! I have two major places that I'm considering for my doctorate, but while one of them is in New York, the other is pretty comfortably in the Bible Belt, which is a touch concerning should I socially transition and/or start HRT while working on my doctorate.

You make me think of all the times in my teen years that I saw my twin cross-dress just for fun, was afraid I'd sound too sincere asking to do the same and having people ask why. She would even pass until her voice gave her away (her eyeshadow goatees really did the trick). I imagine that there's a confidence factor, though I wonder how much is related to empathy, especially from what you've said. I've seen exactly that with the few instances I've discussed my asexuality to others, so I'm not surprised that such a concept translates to gender identity too.

The funny thing about me is that drum set is actually my weakest percussion instrument at the moment, but I at least have stopped downright evading the instrument like I used to! I'm mostly known for my keyboard percussion playing, though I've become pretty closely associated with the berimbau for someone who has never tried capoeira before. :lol:

I'm always glad to run into a fellow percussionist though, so high five, indeed!

[butterflydreams]

This post took guts. Manly guts. for you. Seriously. I really enjoyed reading this, and I'm very happy for you!

Thank you, and I appreciate that you took the time to read my scrambled thoughts. I never imagined that being directly referred to as a man or as manly would make me smile as much as it has, but I am grateful for your kind words. :)

Hehe, no prob :) Even today, I still feel kinda stupid about how happy it makes to have someone refer to me as "she". Seems like a trivial thing, right? It's not. I mean, it's sort of trivial to do it (call someone as they prefer), but in terms of the joy it gives them? That's a bang-for-buck ratio that's a complete no-brainer.

I'm a man.

A 103lb (46.7kg), 5'3" (160cm) man with hair almost to his knees, moobs that need to get chopped off ASAP, a tragic lack of facial hair, and a history of being perceived as a woman, but a man nonetheless.

Sounds fine to me :) Wanna know the best part about being a short guy (or just short in general)? You can comfortably drive all the best European sports cars :lol:

I can certainly appreciate that! (I sometime use the term "travel sized" to describe my height, but I suppose that can mean "travel-in-style sized" too!) I have a friend who is around 6'7" who owns a sports car, and he's way too huge for that thing, to the point that you can't sit behind the driver's seat without pinning your legs.

My professor that I work for is barely taller than me, and his metric is "My height or shorter" = "of normal height" while "Taller than me" = "freakishly tall." Height comes up as a factor more often than you'd think in percussion, so he refers to me as "of normal height" quite often when I assist the Percussion Skills class.

Hahaha, "travel sized" I love it! That is such a perfect attitude to have about it. And I just realized, 5'3"? You're only 3-4 inches shorter than me. Yes it's in a lower percentile among guys, but I'm pretty sure it's well within the 95% majority of 2 standard deviations on the mean. And then if you transition, you'll maybe put a little muscle on your arms and legs, get your weight up a little bit, you'll be golden. Get yourself some nice leather work oxfords with the thick soles...add an inch or two there...basically, I think you're gonna be fine :)

[Mezzo Forte]

Thank you, and I appreciate that you took the time to read my scrambled thoughts. I never imagined that being directly referred to as a man or as manly would make me smile as much as it has, but I am grateful for your kind words. :)

Hehe, no prob :) Even today, I still feel kinda stupid about how happy it makes to have someone refer to me as "she". Seems like a trivial thing, right? It's not. I mean, it's sort of trivial to do it (call someone as they prefer), but in terms of the joy it gives them? That's a bang-for-buck ratio that's a complete no-brainer.

Language can really be a powerful tool, even in the finest details. :) My favorite moments when interacting with people come from when they have a glimmer in their eyes. I usually look for that glimmer by getting people to talk about what they love. I've even had strangers approach me with that glimmer because of my music. When making a person happy is as simple as calling someone as they prefer, why consciously deny someone that joy? I don't know if there are some terms you prefer over others (I always flinched at the word "woman," but my perspective might be a touch skewed in that respect :lol: ) but I hope I can get the sentiment across that you're a lovely woman and a pleasure to chat with!

I can certainly appreciate that! (I sometime use the term "travel sized" to describe my height, but I suppose that can mean "travel-in-style sized" too!) I have a friend who is around 6'7" who owns a sports car, and he's way too huge for that thing, to the point that you can't sit behind the driver's seat without pinning your legs.

My professor that I work for is barely taller than me, and his metric is "My height or shorter" = "of normal height" while "Taller than me" = "freakishly tall." Height comes up as a factor more often than you'd think in percussion, so he refers to me as "of normal height" quite often when I assist the Percussion Skills class.

Hahaha, "travel sized" I love it! That is such a perfect attitude to have about it. And I just realized, 5'3"? You're only 3-4 inches shorter than me. Yes it's in a lower percentile among guys, but I'm pretty sure it's well within the 95% majority of 2 standard deviations on the mean. And then if you transition, you'll maybe put a little muscle on your arms and legs, get your weight up a little bit, you'll be golden. Get yourself some nice leather work oxfords with the thick soles...add an inch or two there...basically, I think you're gonna be fine :)

"Within 2 standard deviations of the mean" might become another one of my go-to phrases! I imagine that the muscle mass would really help me. I was building up muscle a bit over the summer in hopes of getting that bulk even before officially transitioning, but grad school kind of wrecked that. I've also been dropping weight pretty rapidly since May 2014, (I peaked at 140 after a cruise; this morning I was 101.5) so I've been fighting a losing battle with muscle mass at the moment. (Well, I've been told that I have solid forearm muscle probably from percussion, but that doesn't really add bulk very much!) I'm also lucky because I have naturally broad shoulders and fairly small hips, so I'm a bit optimistic :)

The fun part is finding oxfords in my size! I'm working on swallowing my pride and considering children's sizes should I need to. Thanks again, Hadley!

[Dakkon]

I've cited this method before on the forum, but I believe you could benefit from the peace that it could bring you. And from that peace you may be better able to determine what your next course of action will be.

Confide with a trusted friend by a campfire about your troubles and discus them in as much depth as you are capable. And if you don't have anyone you could trust to tell such things to, just immersing yourself in the setting alone is enough to help bring peace to one's mind. There is something quite soothing about the setting that for one reason or another makes it easier to allay ones worries at.

Think of it; you wake up to the cold morning air, sitting in your tent for several minutes breathing it in. You put on your shoes (or boots), emerge from your shelter and gather materials for a fire that will both warm your breakfast and your soul before packing up your gear and heading back home.

[butterflydreams]

I wish I had more tips for you on how to bulk up, especially upper body. Not to discourage you, but being smaller made it really hard when we did weight room in phys-ed at school. All the machines were just too big for me, so the teacher was like, "I dunno, use the stair master?" I think the teachers just weren't interested in being clever to help me out. I'm sure there are things you can do. A guy at work and his girlfriend do crossfit. He's an inch or two shorter than me, and his girlfriend is definitely taller than me. They're both pretty stocky and bulky (in a good way) now.

Ahh yes, I forgot about shoe sizes. I have no idea how my feet can be so big for my height. Thankfully I'm not Peggy Hill size (size 16 US ), but still, 11-12? That's topping out most shoe sizes. For what it's worth, I don't see any problem at all with wearing children's shoes. I'm sure they have boys' shoes in exactly the same kinds of styles as men :)

Language can really be a powerful tool, even in the finest details. :) My favorite moments when interacting with people come from when they have a glimmer in their eyes. I usually look for that glimmer by getting people to talk about what they love. I've even had strangers approach me with that glimmer because of my music. When making a person happy is as simple as calling someone as they prefer, why consciously deny someone that joy? I don't know if there are some terms you prefer over others (I always flinched at the word "woman," but my perspective might be a touch skewed in that respect :lol: ) but I hope I can get the sentiment across that you're a lovely woman and a pleasure to chat with!

Hehe, sure, "woman" is fine ^_^ (fwiw, I feel exactly the same way about the word "man" referring to me). And bolded part...this is such a beautiful trait I see in too few people. Keep that with you, and you'll always do alright in life <3

[Mezzo Forte]

I've cited this method before on the forum, but I believe you could benefit from the peace that it could bring you. And from that peace you may be better able to determine what your next course of action will be.

Confide with a trusted friend by a campfire about your troubles and discus them in as much depth as you are capable. And if you don't have anyone you could trust to tell such things to, just immersing yourself in the setting alone is enough to help bring peace to one's mind. There is something quite soothing about the setting that for one reason or another makes it easier to allay ones worries at.

Think of it; you wake up to the cold morning air, sitting in your tent for several minutes breathing it in. You put on your shoes (or boots), emerge from your shelter and gather materials for a fire that will both warm your breakfast and your soul before packing up your gear and heading back home.

I like this idea quite a bit. I don't know if I could make a camping trip work, but I could potentially do this with a long hiking trail, especially now that my best friend is about to get a car. Going alone is tempting as well, as my brain can often wander just as much as my feet. Still, I hope to genuinely try this (or some adaptation of it) if my best friend visits any time soon. Thank you!

I wish I had more tips for you on how to bulk up, especially upper body. Not to discourage you, but being smaller made it really hard when we did weight room in phys-ed at school. All the machines were just too big for me, so the teacher was like, "I dunno, use the stair master?" I think the teachers just weren't interested in being clever to help me out. I'm sure there are things you can do. A guy at work and his girlfriend do crossfit. He's an inch or two shorter than me, and his girlfriend is definitely taller than me. They're both pretty stocky and bulky (in a good way) now.

Ahh yes, I forgot about shoe sizes. I have no idea how my feet can be so big for my height. Thankfully I'm not Peggy Hill size (size 16 US ), but still, 11-12? That's topping out most shoe sizes. For what it's worth, I don't see any problem at all with wearing children's shoes. I'm sure they have boys' shoes in exactly the same kinds of styles as men :)

Language can really be a powerful tool, even in the finest details. :) My favorite moments when interacting with people come from when they have a glimmer in their eyes. I usually look for that glimmer by getting people to talk about what they love. I've even had strangers approach me with that glimmer because of my music. When making a person happy is as simple as calling someone as they prefer, why consciously deny someone that joy? I don't know if there are some terms you prefer over others (I always flinched at the word "woman," but my perspective might be a touch skewed in that respect :lol: ) but I hope I can get the sentiment across that you're a lovely woman and a pleasure to chat with!

Hehe, sure, "woman" is fine ^_^ (fwiw, I feel exactly the same way about the word "man" referring to me). And bolded part...this is such a beautiful trait I see in too few people. Keep that with you, and you'll always do alright in life <3

Yeah, the bodybuilding is especially tricky for me not only because of my size, but because I have to be very cautious about wrist injuries so I don't gamble with my ability to play percussion. The hardest part for me doing pushups, for example, is finding a wrist position that doesn't cause me pain, even with pushup bars. My shoulders always served me well for things like kayaking, but I'd be lying if I referred to myself as anything other than a twerp in regards to physical strength. I'll have to observe a crossfit session sometime and see if it'd work with my wrists sometime.

I have a friend like that who is maybe 5'7 and has men's 13 feet. Finding good shoes that size in discount stores is pretty much impossible. In men's sizes, I'm generally around a 5, which is fine for casual shoes, but makes formal shoes much tougher. My feet are quite a bit smaller than a lot of my lady friends actually, especially the taller ones. On the plus side, Children's shoes tend to be cheaper, including the fancier dress shoes. I'll have to get my feet fitted for children's sizes something! :lol:

[Emery.]

The fun part is finding oxfords in my size! I'm working on swallowing my pride and considering children's sizes should I need to. Thanks again, Hadley!

(I bought boys' shoes accidentally over the last month - the women's were just too tight, and the style quite unisex. And, they were cheaper than the adult shoes! So yeah... you're not the first and not the last one.)

Oh, so percussion is not synonymous with drums? Aaaah, hence your avatar. I'm definitely a drummer. 8)

Also, I'm glad I was useful :)

[Mezzo Forte]

The fun part is finding oxfords in my size! I'm working on swallowing my pride and considering children's sizes should I need to. Thanks again, Hadley!

(I bought boys' shoes accidentally over the last month - the women's were just too tight, and the style quite unisex. And, they were cheaper than the adult shoes! So yeah... you're not the first and not the last one.)

Oh, so percussion is not synonymous with drums? Aaaah, hence your avatar. I'm definitely a drummer. 8)

Also, I'm glad I was useful :)

Sometimes, you'll hear the distinction as "drummer" versus "percussionist," but that functions more to separate the people who exclusively play set from the ones versed in many different forms of percussion. Quite a few people get into percussion through drum set though, so most people just assume that you play set when you call yourself a percussionist. (I think this distinction is mostly used within classically trained percussion communities, so most people would use the terms synonymously.)

I used to describe myself as a "marimbist/vibraphonist" or "keyboard percussionist" before I started studying other types of percussion, but "percussionist" really is the best term for me right now, especially as I improve on set. I've always had a tendency to befriend drummers, even more than I befriend keyboard enthusiasts actually. Honestly, my biggest struggle with set is a struggle with every instrument I play: improvisation. I think that the only reason why set is particularly bad is bad for me is that there's just more expectations for you to work without notation. Set and keyboards are more connected than even I give them credit for!

I don't really mind people making assumptions about my set playing, and I'll take that over the "women only play percussion because of the marimba" sentiments that I've had to deal with any day! (I don't get the concept of gendering instruments, and the treating the marimba as feminine is especially perplexing.)

[Ace_Kat]

I am glad to hear you found out your true identity, and I wish you the best of luck in transitioning. We are here to support you :D