I think I'm gray sexual...but new to the concept...help?

[searchingforlight]

My rant/background info post is over here since I'm new to the site. After looking at the guides, AVENger linked to me, which were incredibly helpful I think I can describe myself...

I think I am heteromantic (romantically attracted to men in my case, as a woman), heterosensual (not sure if that's the right term..) since I like kissing and cuddling and orally/hand stimulated arousal, but then gray asexual, because I am really not interested in intercourse, and could live forever without having intercourse (for numerous reasons, but at the end of the day, even if it didn't hurt I don't think i'd be in to it.)

Does that seem like a viable description to be gray asexual? If so, any advice on how to tell my boyfriend of four years? He's never pressured me into having sex, and we've had the talk about how I don't think I can do it, and how I may never be interested in trying to do it (regardless if it didn't hurt), but I am afraid if I tell him I might be gray sexual he'll leave.

Help :(

[Frigid Pink]

I am afraid if I tell him I might be gray sexual he'll leave.

I value openness and honesty in my romantic relationships, therefore, I wouldn't want to be with someone romantically if I couldn't be open and honest with them, especially about my sexuality.

With that said, if someone leaves because of my sexuality, then I can either view it as "they reject me" or as "I reject them." I personally go with the latter these days. It's a dealbreaker for me if someone doesn't accept my sexuality.

I wish you the best as you decide what to do!

[scarletlatitude]

Are you sure that he's sexual? Maybe he is gray-sexual too.

I agree with Frigid. You HAVE TO talk about it. It's not comfortable but it has to happen, otherwise it will lead to hurt feelings. I'd be sure to emphasize that it's not him, that you do love him (If you do?) and that you want to stay with him (again, if you do). Maybe you could mention the things that you are willing to try? Maybe he would be willing to keep it at that. If he wanted to have regular intercourse (I mean PiV), would you be okay with it if it was only once in a while and if it was him? Some aces (and grays) are okay with sex if it makes their partner happy.

[searchingforlight]

Are you sure that he's sexual? Maybe he is gray-sexual too.

I agree with Frigid. You HAVE TO talk about it. It's not comfortable but it has to happen, otherwise it will lead to hurt feelings. I'd be sure to emphasize that it's not him, that you do love him (If you do?) and that you want to stay with him (again, if you do). Maybe you could mention the things that you are willing to try? Maybe he would be willing to keep it at that. If he wanted to have regular intercourse (I mean PiV), would you be okay with it if it was only once in a while and if it was him? Some aces (and grays) are okay with sex if it makes their partner happy.

I fairly certain he's sexual. If anything, his antidepressants make it so he can't get off, and then he feels like he's broken! But i know i need to tell him. I will. Maaaaybe if he understands that i'm not actually interested in sex he'll stop beating himself up about the side-effect!

[Star Bit]

So you're just not into penetrative sex/ only desire non-penatrative sex?

That's not a Gray-A/Gray-asexual/Gray-sexual, that's just a normal sexual person with a sex preference.

Google it; there are other sexual people who aren't into penetration. In my two years on here I've seen like 4 other people like you; gravitating to asexuality because you can relate, but just because bisexuals can relate to the backlash asexuals get doesn't make them asexual or Gray-A. A lesbian Stone isn't Gray-A. People who only want BDSM sex aren't Gray-A. People who aren't into oral aren't Gray-A. Those are sex preferences.

Gray-A is basically a "when i want sex (that differs from the norm)" term, not a how. Sadly penatrative sex is what most people want and is a common deal breaker, so it's hard for non-penatrative people to find partners. The same probably happens to Stone lesbians. As far as i know it doesn't have a nickname like Stone does, but one does seem quite needed. But given how long your boyfriend has had his accepting/tolerent nature, I'd say there's a reasonable chance he'd be ok with having a non-penatrative partner.

And sensual attraction/heterosensual doesn't include any form of physical contact, it refers to non-genital physical contact. Oral sex is sex and so are hand jobs; desiring any form of sex means a person is sexual.

[Guest]

It seems as though he clearly doesn't mind that you don't want some forms of sex anyway? you've been together four years and if he's never once pressured you then it doesn't seem like you being ''grey A'' or even ''asexual'' would be an issue at all?

As Star said, sex is still sex. I've known many sexual people who only enjoy oral and being fingered/given hand jobs whatever.. some just don't enjoy penetrative sex (more women than men but I have for example known sexual men who far more enjoy say, giving oral sex to a woman than putting their penis inside her. That doesn't make them any less sexual though as they are still enjoying and desiring a sex act for the emotional pleasure involved, even if they themselves don't actively desire having their penis inside the woman during the sex)