Am I actually on the asexual spectrum or am I just broken?

[searchingforlight]

I apologize if this isn't on the right board, so Mods, please move this if it's not.
I also apologize for being pretty ignorant about the asexual spectrum. I've read some things and tried to figure out if I could be on the asexual spectrum but I honestly have no clue. On the one hand i'd be relieved if you all said I might be, but a part of me feels like I may just have lots of anxieties around sex that I'm not willing to deal with. I'm not a touchy feely person as is, and I know that doesn't mean much, but maybe it does? Anyways, here's more about me, and please any advice or thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

I've never been interested in having intercourse. I've been attracted to the opposite sex (men) but by attracted I mean I like the way they look, I would love it if I could kiss them or cuddle with them, but i've never felt the urge to have intercourse with them. I thought maybe that's because I wasn't in a relationship with said attractive people, but now i've been in a relationship for four years. I am attracted to him and I love him. I love making out and cuddling but I've never been interested in having intercourse. (He's been crazy respectful about that...I think he deserves better since he's definitely sexual.)

I became more turned off from intercourse when I discovered that I am in fact pretty tight down there. My boyfriend can finger me, and it's gotten easier, but I don't think anything bigger will ever fit without it seriously hurting. (No, i don't wear tampons.) This makes me think that I'm just really anxious and turned off by sex because I probably have vaginismus. However, I don't really want to fix that. I get plenty aroused without having intercourse, and I don't want to have kids (I know and don't think sex is only for baby-making, but i just wanted to point that out), so to me, intercourse is pointless. I WANT to please my boyfriend and I feel incredibly guilty that I really don't want to have intercourse, and so I've had this conversation many times with him, and I've even offered to let him just do it, despite knowing it's going to hurt. He, being amazing, said of course not and has never pressured me into doing so. Another factor is that he loves giving oral, whereas I also can't muster up to giving it back. It's not that I'm not attracted to him, it's that I honestly could not see myself giving any man oral. (I've also never felt any sexual feeling for women, so I'm not interested in vaginas either). So maybe I'm just sex-repulsed?

Any thing to mention is that in general, I have anxiety, and my boyfriend has depression. We're both on anti-anxiety/anti-depression meds and I know that can cause low libido. However, I can still get aroused, but sometimes he can't (but maybe that's because hand jobs aren't enough for him), so I don't actually think the medication is playing a significant role in my sexual preferences, because before starting the anti-anxiety medication, my "sexual" fantasies never actually ended in intercourse. They ended in making out and cuddling.

I asked r/sex about my situation their answer was to break up with my boyfriend because i am unable to please him and for the most part am just a selfish, anxious mess. Maybe that's true, but despite knowing about my sexual anxieties and lack of interest in intercourse, my boyfriend has not ended the relationship, a relationship in which I think we're both happy in...

So...based on all of that, in your opinions do you think I could be on the asexual spectrum, sex-repulsed, or just incredibly anxious and broken?

[Member54880]

Welcome! It's possible that you could be on the asexual spectrum, since you describe never feeling the urge for sex with anyone you found attractive (aesthetically, romantically or both). When you said you were never interested, do you also mean you never intrinsically felt the desire for it with anyone?

There's no need to feel guilty over not wanting sex, but your partner sounds very supportive since he never pressured you. That's awful that other responses about your situation said that you were being selfish, but your boundaries matter, and it's not "selfish" to uphold them. They failed to consider how both of you feel about the relationship, and that both of you are trying to work towards a solution.

This post might also help you with your question, and gives some more details about the asexual spectrum: http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/123565-read-me-a-guide-and-faq-to-the-asexual-q-a-wonderland/?p=1061355602

Someone with anxiety issues could still know if they're asexual or not, but having anxiety doesn't make your orientation any less valid.

[searchingforlight]

Welcome! It's possible that you could be on the asexual spectrum, since you describe never feeling the urge for sex with anyone you found attractive (aesthetically, romantically or both). When you said you were never interested, do you also mean you never intrinsically felt the desire for it with anyone?

There's no need to feel guilty over not wanting sex, but your partner sounds very supportive since he never pressured you. That's awful that other responses about your situation said that you were being selfish, but your boundaries matter, and it's not "selfish" to uphold them. They failed to consider how both of you feel about the relationship, and that both of you are trying to work towards a solution.

This post might also help you with your question, and gives some more details about the asexual spectrum: http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/123565-read-me-a-guide-and-faq-to-the-asexual-q-a-wonderland/?p=1061355602

Someone with anxiety issues could still know if they're asexual or not, but having anxiety doesn't make your orientation any less valid.

Looking at the guide now! Yes, my boyfriend is crazy supportive, it's wonderful. :) I don't believe I've ever (or can't remember the last time) intrinsically felt the desire for intercourse for anyone. I've wanted the romantic aspects, just not the full on sexual ones.

[Calamity Jim]

I'm romantic, but not sexual. I like things like snuggles and hugs, but am not into kisses or anything more intense than that. So wanting romantic interactions but not sexual is a thing many aces do.

[Guest]

Moving to Asexual Q&A

Kisa the Cat, Administrator

[Luckiplier]

searchingforlight, I think you might be both, because I am both (i.e., genuinely gray-asexual as well as with an anxiety disorder), and the way you describe yourself and your experiences is similar to me and mine. I think doctors would call that "comorbidity" -- having two unrelated conditions at the same time (mind you, that refers to diseases, and asexuality itself is healthy).

You're not alone. People like us can work together to make life better. =]

[searchingforlight]

searchingforlight, I think you might be both, because I am both (i.e., genuinely gray-asexual as well as with an anxiety disorder), and the way you describe yourself and your experiences is similar to me and mine. I think doctors would call that "comorbidity" -- having two unrelated conditions at the same time (mind you, that refers to diseases, and asexuality itself is healthy).

You're not alone. People like us can work together to make life better. =]

Thank you!! I am fairly certain after reading some more, that I am indeed both, because even before I had more severe anxiety symptoms, most of which are not sex related, I wasn't interested in sex.

[Luckiplier]

I'm glad that was helpful. Another comment about nothing fitting into the vagina -- I was married for ten years before I could fit him inside me. That's quite awhile. I am sexually active even though I'm not sexually attracted. I'm happy to service the people I care about. That way, they get the sex they crave, and it makes little difference to me. Despite all of that, it took ten years and servicing other men before my husband and I could do it together. If polyamory is not of interest, then don't worry. I suspect that time was responsible for the changes in shape to my anatomy. Or maybe all the practice that I had brought muscles to my attention that I couldn't access before, and now I can control and relax them. Regardless, I don't think you should necessarily strive to engage in penetration. It does nothing for me, so I don't think you're missing out on anything! =]

All it does for me is enable me to service my partners more easily.

[Starlit Sky]

Hey there! Welcome, I'm glad that you've found AVEN, and you've definitely come to the right place. :)

We aren't allowed to out-right tell anyone whether or not they are asexual, but you sound like you are asexual to me. It does not sound like you are gray-A, as you don't seem to have ever experienced sexual attraction, but you are ultimately the only one who can decide that. There is some debate on whether or not the AVEN's current definition of asexuality (which is at the top of the site) should be replaced. I would probably say that, if not that definition, then asexuality means that you don't experience the "intrinsic desire" for sex with someone or something. Whichever way you splice it, though, you do sound pretty ace. ^_^

Now, I'm going to decide this for you: you are not broken. Even if you aren't asexual, you are not broken. If you ultimately come to the conclusion that you aren't ace, that doesn't make your worth go down, or anything else.

Your guy is wonderful, and everyone deserves someone like that in their life. Try not to listen to the thoughts (and the people!!!) that tell you that he deserves better, or that you are selfish, or the ones that make you question why he even sticks around in the first place. He is with you because he loves you, and if he felt that he absolutely has to have sex in a relationship then he would have said something a long time ago. Instead, he doesn't pressure you and recognizes that you have your own needs as well. I understand that it is difficult to ignore thoughts like this, especially if you have anxiety (I certainly have my own bouts from time to time), but they are your own worst enemy. I certainly understand how it is, but try to work towards focusing on what really matters, which is that he loves you and you love him.

[PJammaGod]

Ahoy-hoy searchingforlight,

First and foremost I'd like to get one statement out of the way. Echoing what other people have written, you are most assuredly not broken. I'll try not to sound as though I am lecturing, but it is unfair upon yourself to apply what I would call a very negative and self denigrating label like broken. Don't sell yourself short or undermine whom you are. Fears, doubts, concerns and worries are something you will find most people on AVEN tackle / wrestle with as they strive to understand whom they are as both ace and in the broader context of the human condition. You are never alone and we are always here to help.

I agree with Starlit Sky, you sound as though you are a grey-A. You have a wonderful and supportive partner, something I am truly glad for you. And much as Starlit said, try as best you can to set aside or even confront the thoughts and doubts within. Again forgive me if I come across as lecturing and do feel free to tell me to be silent at any point at time in regard to what I am about to say.

R/sex is not a resource I would ever rely upon. Staying on topic, if you have friends or family that speak to / lecture you / comment about how your partner deserves better, is selfish or whatever other undermining pejorative term that can be conjured, consider letting them go. If someone is willing to go so far as to attempt to destroy both your self-confidence and your relationship, they likely are not worth your time. Speaking in such terms is toxic and malicious. Someone whom truly loves you would not and anyone else should be likely cut of like a gangrenous limb. Speaking as someone whom has experienced something similar from immediate family, act early and decisively.

I wish to you all the best and hope you find the answers that seem to elude you. Keep posting and call upon the (hopeful) collective wisdom of everyone around here.

-PJ

[Ace_Kat]

First, you are not broken. No one is broken, some people say that to others to make them feel bad about themselves which is not right.

I am glad to hear that your boyfriend is supportive of you and respects your boundaries, so for the people who say you should break up with him, they can not see the beauty of the connection you two have.

Asexual is a person who does not feel any sexual attraction towards anyone. So if you feel no sexual attraction towards anyone (even your boyfriend) you are asexual.

Or, you can be part of the gray area of the spectrum (there are many different identities on the spectrum).

But I can not tell you what your sexuality you are, only you can decide what your sexuality is. You are free to use whatever identity makes you feel comfortable in your own skin. You can always change how you identify yourself in the future to make you feel like you.