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Demisexual: How can I know?


xuxagirl87

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Hey y'all. Apologies in advance if this is a dumb question, but here we go: it's my understanding that a demisexual person only experiences sexual attraction/desire if a close bond (often but not always romantic) is first developed. But this doesn't happen with every such bond (well maybe for someone out there). So there's still some kind of selective process happening. And until those criteria are met, the person basically operates as if they're asexual. My question is this: if I haven't experienced that, how can I know if I'm demisexual or just asexual? I've considered adopting the label of demisexual, but that almost sounds like I'm saying "oh it'll happen, it just hasn't yet"... and I don't know that. It might never happen. I've certainly felt close to a lot of people, including in the context of a romantic relationship, and believe me when I say that sexual desire would have made some of those situations a lot less complicated (explaining to someone you love that you don't really want to have sex with them and might never want that but that doesn't mean you love them less is HARD, man... people, especially guys, tend to take it like a slap in the face!!). But back to my question: how can I know if it hasn't happened yet? I don't want to lead anyone on by saying it will or might happen in the future, when I don't know that. But I don't know it won't either? Ugh, confusion.

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Rainbow~Sprinkles

What I've learned from other posts similar to this, is that you won't know until it happens. Unfortunately. It's one of those things that will just happen on its own. What you could do to find out, is try to deepen your emotional bonds with potential partners and try to take things slowly. Who knows? Something might come out of it, something might not.

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That's actually a GREAT question. I've been asking myself the very same thing. Maybe one day, I'll find out I'm actually not asexual, and that I'm demisexual! I have no answers for you. But myself, I've just thought that - well - I'm asexual until otherwise is proven or apparent. So don't be so strict with labels (not saying that you are), and just see them as poles to tie your boat to, rather than foundation on which to build houses.

If anyone has an actual answer to this, that works for everyone, I'll be VERY surprised. So this is all I got.

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I'm afraid you can't know until it happens, if it happens. Demisexuality if one of those surprises that stay well hidden until you experience them. As the previous poster says, you're asexual until proven otherwise. Even if you're actually demisexual in the end, it's OK. You can always change labels if necessary.

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Thanks all. I suppose it's better to say I'm asexual and maybe get a pleasant surprise later, than to say demisexual and just frustrate the crap out of a partner who might be waiting for something that might never happen. Glad to know I'm not the only one who's asked this type of question.

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Certainly not! Personally I don't think there's any chance at all that I'm demisexual. I've had two very extremely close bonds with people, and I never thought they were "sexy," or anything. That being said, there's also nothing that prevents me from being a gray-A. Gray-A's, after all, can experience sexual attraction under the right circumstances, and for all I know I simply haven't been under the "right circumstances" yet. Even though I'm really only romantically attracted to guys, you never know--I might one day find a girl that I think is attractive. So on and so forth!

For the most part, I don't think anyone can totally, completely, 100% be absolutely sure that they are never going to be attracted to this or that, even if we are very confident in whichever sexual orientation we identify as. I call myself asexual, and I don't really think, "Well, I might be asexual"--it's, "I am asexual." If, later on down the road, it turns out that I wasn't correct, then that's perfectly fine. :)

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That's the question isn't it? The "right circumstances." And yes, the desire for certainty is a tricky thing. But I see what you're saying... go with what's currently happening and accept it. Thank you ^_^

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