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Im a little confused about this.


Lord Jade Cross

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Lord Jade Cross

I need a little help here becauase Im a bit confused.

During one closing shift, the subject of parenting surfaced due to a co-worker being in the midst of a divorce process. These conversations usually take a "Why did I ever marry that (insert insult here)" and it did. And from there it jumps to asking if you have a kid, but since they know I don't have any, the conversation jumped to the "never get married or have kids" comments. And by chain effect, relationships came up and with it sex. And one of the coworkers (they were 2 and both women btw) asked me "are you like that?" after they had mentioned that its best to just have occasional flings but never commit (I imagine this is a result of marriages gone sour?).

My reaction, because I was honestly not paying much attention to it and because I didnt put 2 and 2 together fast enough to realize that they were asking me if I slept around, was "what serious?" I think they must have interpreted as "dont wanna talk about it" or they were weirded out. Either way the subject was dropped.

Anywyas to all of this my question is, usually the women (whom Ive seen) tend to have a negative reaction where men and sex are involved. And they definately get annoyed when men flirt with them and they dont fancy them (which is completely natural. i mean I wouldnt find it flattering to have someone flirt with me if i dont like them), but why is there this seeming curiosity when the men are not acting out the perceived gender role set out by society?

Is it mere curiosity because Im not going around flirting or checking out girls? Or is it that my general disinterest, sends out a "weirdo" vibe?

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Well, men and women's brains are very different in most ways; they're even strongly different sexually, so it's no surprise they have alot to complain about, especially sexually since that's very important in most relationships. It's probably why the Romans held same sex relationships above heterosexual ones.

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You know I'm not sure. Your anecdote brings up something similar that I find very confusing about other women that I think is somewhat related.

It seems as if when a guy shows interest in one of my female friends, but she doesn't like him, they complain about how "he's just so obsessed with me," but won't tell him how they feel. This sort of reaction just seems so mean to me. If you aren't interested, why are you telling your friends instead of telling him? Its like there is some kind of glory to be gained by stringing some poor guy along. And to me this just seems awkward, upsetting, and not very nice.

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Lord Jade Cross
I know men and women are different, but my confusion stems from how there is a "men are all useless pigs" to "its better to just have flings" to asking "do you sleep around?" and then in turn, that turning to a look/comment of disbelief if the answer is "No", but if the answer was "Yes" the process comes back in a circle. So its bad if the case is such and if it isnt too o.o? My brain hurts over this.
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You know I'm not sure. Your anecdote brings up something similar that I find very confusing about other women that I think is somewhat related.

It seems as if when a guy shows interest in one of my female friends, but she doesn't like him, they complain about how "he's just so obsessed with me," but won't tell him how they feel. This sort of reaction just seems so mean to me. If you aren't interested, why are you telling your friends instead of telling him? Its like there is some kind of glory to be gained by stringing some poor guy along. And to me this just seems awkward, upsetting, and not very nice.

Possibly they want to brag to their friends that someone is interested in them. It can also be scary to tell someone directly that they're not interested, and they might want to sort it out with their friends

I know men and women are different, but my confusion stems from how there is a "men are all useless pigs" to "its better to just have flings" to asking "do you sleep around?" and then in turn, that turning to a look/comment of disbelief if the answer is "No", but if the answer was "Yes" the process comes back in a circle. So its bad if the case is such and if it isnt too o.o? My brain hurts over this.

That does sound kind of weird. Maybe they're just so used to outwardly sexual men that they're not expecting a man who doesn't sleep around.

first. It really depends on the situation.

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Lord Jade Cross
but if they are not expecting it, why does it tend to generate looks of disbelief and at times going into comments along the lines of "you should" (didnt happen in this case but it has in others) when, when men do it, it generates annoyance or anger?
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I have no clue what your co-workers might have expected as a reply.

As their bystander I'd probably pulled off the romantic loser role; "I ('ll) only sleep with women whom I ('ll) seriously want to marry".

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nanogretchen4

If you have shown a sustained lack of sexual interest in women, your female coworkers have likely leapt to the conclusion that you are gay. It sounds like they are trying to include you in their girl talk. Women traditionally complain about men when one of them is going through a divorce or breakup. Gay men friends traditionally join them in complaining about men in such circumstances. You're not following that script either, so by now they are probably confused. But maybe they still think you're closeted and are trying to encourage you to talk about your love life.

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Lord Jade Cross
So Im supposed to either flirt and show interest in women or complain about the men when they do?
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nanogretchen4

You certainly don't have to. You could come out as asexual, but I doubt they've heard of asexuality so you'll have to keep explaining it. Or you could just continue to mystify them.

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scarletlatitude

Be mysterious. Keep them all guessing. :P

There definitely is a double standard here, between men and women and how that conversation goes. It is strange. As a kind of in between gender, I've never really understood why either side is how it is. It's all foreign to me.

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Lord Jade Cross
I fear that a next time, it will be full frontal interrogation of "Do you like men or women?" and failing to pick one, things will go in the disbelief looks, comments and at times anger because it seems that if you dont pick one (which is no ones business byt my own really), it seems to be percieved as some sort of insult?
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I don't think males and females are all that different and "men" and "women" aren't a hive mentality. "About the only thing you can predict by sex is who is muscularly stronger." Beyond that, people are people, and they're different. One particular "woman" or even a group of "women" aren't representative of all "women." I think it's best not to make generalizations about any particular group of people as generalizations lead to stereotypes which play into sexism, and generalizations/stereotypes/sexism aren't accurate representations of humanity (or "women" in particular).

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Lord Jade Cross

I did mention that it has been the one's Ive seen so as to avoid that it sounded like I'm including every woman out there because Im not trying to generalize. It's just that so far, with the people I've been around, this has tended to be a repeated pattern of sorts. I tend to see people (again the one's Ive been around on) pull into one extreme or the other when it comes to sex.

In my mind it didn't make sense how, within the same conversation, there was a leap for one extreme of calling men useless and pigs to another extreme of asking if I slept around? The remaining scenario didn't play out because I didn't answer their question. But in similar situations in the past, the women who have asked me such questions, seem to either be weirded out, confused or just plain don't believe me if I answer honestly (the men dont either) and if there happens to be a scenario in which regularly men tend to react with flirting or checking a girl out, etc, and I don't, people somehow seem to get angry at me for it.

So I'm kind of lost as to why they can't pick a side and stay with it. It's like a you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't mentality.

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I'd make and enforce healthy boundaries around these people. We can't control others and we certainly don't have to understand or make sense of their behavior. We can only control ourselves and our own behavior. "Good fences make good neighbors."

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nanogretchen4

Well, people often follow conventional scripts. It's easier than having everyone in the group constantly doing random unexpected things. I think recognizing the conversation you overheard as conventional girl talk in case of divorce is less likely to lead to harmful misunderstandings than assuming the conversation was a sincere and balanced reflection of the speakers' true attitudes toward men.

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Lord Jade Cross

Agree. No real harm in not understanding I suppose. I think I'll think of it as just a random conversation I stumbled upon.


I'd make and enforce healthy boundaries around these people. We can't control others and we certainly don't have to understand or make sense of their behavior. We can only control ourselves and our own behavior. "Good fences make good neighbors."

Well, people often follow conventional scripts. It's easier than having everyone in the group constantly doing random unexpected things. I think recognizing the conversation you overheard as conventional girl talk in case of divorce is less likely to lead to harmful misunderstandings than assuming the conversation was a sincere and balanced reflection of the speakers' true attitudes toward men.

Agree. No real harm in not understanding I suppose. I think I'll think of it as just a random conversation I stumbled upon.

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So I'm kind of lost as to why they can't pick a side and stay with it. It's like a you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't mentality.

I feel like that's true in some way for (almost)all asexuals, not just asexual men.

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Rainbow~Sprinkles

I have unfortunately experienced the same thing 😒 Work colleagues and Uni acquaintances ask me similar things like "you have a boyfriend don't you?" And become surprised when I don't or I say I'm not interested. I even had a guy ask if I was into casual sex. I said it's none of your business. And people do look at you as if you are strange or weird because your obviously not interested in the two things most of society crave - romance and sex. How can asexuals possibly get romance if we don't want sex? So we pretend to be not interested in either.

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Lord Jade Cross

I have unfortunately experienced the same thing Work colleagues and Uni acquaintances ask me similar things like "you have a boyfriend don't you?" And become surprised when I don't or I say I'm not interested. I even had a guy ask if I was into casual sex. I said it's none of your business. And people do look at you as if you are strange or weird because your obviously not interested in the two things most of society crave - romance and sex. How can asexuals possibly get romance if we don't want sex? So we pretend to be not interested in either.

I believe its possible to be able to understand and even seek out romance in non sexual ways, there seem to be a few romantic aces around. The problem would be when romance is equated to sex. Its one thing that part of romance or relationships involves sex but people mostly jump to the conclusion that sex is an inseperable part of romance and that without it, theres no such thing as a romantic relationship. Ironically, the notion that sex without romance is possible and acceptable still baffles me a bit.

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people mostly jump to the conclusion that sex is an inseperable part of romance

It is, for most people.

Your original scenario sounds like it was just curiosity to me. I mean this in a totally non-judgemental way, but when you're part of a 1pc, and when it's to do with something as primal as sex, it's pretty much inevitable.

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Lord Jade Cross
Can you rephrase that? I dont think I got what you meant by it. What does "being part of a 1pc" mean?
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Lord Jade Cross
Isnt it rather nosy to be so open about it? I mean I dont go around asking girls about their sex life
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You're simply confusing people because they expect that you either have one-night stands or long-term relationships, not neither.

If ever "neither" is an option, it's usually interpreted as celibacy, the choice of a monk, not asexuality.

I fear that a next time, it will be full frontal interrogation of "Do you like men or women?" and failing to pick one, things will go in the disbelief looks, comments and at times anger because it seems that if you dont pick one (which is no ones business byt my own really), it seems to be percieved as some sort of insult?

It's usually interpreted as a sign you're a closet gay or somebody with a paraphilia. At least for me, it was.

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A bit, I guess. People differ in what they think is intrusive. Some people are more curious than others. Some people are happier to talk about these things than others.

On the other hand... if you were a player, which is kind of what they were driving at, you might well have been happy to talk about your conquests. Or maybe they've got you pigeonholed as a bit enigmatic, and they're trying to figure you out.

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Lord Jade Cross

A bit, I guess. People differ in what they think is intrusive. Some people are more curious than others. Some people are happier to talk about these things than others.

On the other hand... if you were a player, which is kind of what they were driving at, you might well have been happy to talk about your conquests. Or maybe they've got you pigeonholed as a bit enigmatic, and they're trying to figure you out.

What kind of logic would drive people to consider someone who doesnt talk about their sex lives and generally shies away from sex talks to think that theyre a player?

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Lord Jade Cross

You're simply confusing people because they expect that you either have one-night stands or long-term relationships, not neither.

If ever "neither" is an option, it's usually interpreted as celibacy, the choice of a monk, not asexuality.

I fear that a next time, it will be full frontal interrogation of "Do you like men or women?" and failing to pick one, things will go in the disbelief looks, comments and at times anger because it seems that if you dont pick one (which is no ones business byt my own really), it seems to be percieved as some sort of insult?

It's usually interpreted as a sign you're a closet gay or somebody with a paraphilia. At least for me, it was.

Lets assume for a second that there is no such thing as asexuality; how is celibacy or being a monk or any other practice that doesnt involve sex any more interesting to people? Or lets say Im a closet gay, why is it even relevant that people know about my sex life if Im not showing signs of wanting to share?

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Lets assume for a second that there is no such thing as asexuality; how is celibacy or being a monk or any other practice that doesnt involve sex any more interesting to people?

Because they think that you're repressing your desires, which means either being old-fashioned or having a mental illness. Severely repressed desires in both cases.

Or lets say Im a closet gay, why is it even relevant that people know about my sex life if Im not showing signs of wanting to share?

If you don't want to share something about your life, it means that you have something to hide, and if you want to hide something, it must be at least something really shameful, if not something frankly illegal. People become really suspicious towards persons who refuse to share everything about their lives, the same way as intelligence services are suspicious at people who don't have a Facebook profile (I'm not even inventing this).

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Lord Jade Cross

So being private about what are (reduntant) private things abouts ones life is now illegal? Who made up such a ludicrous concept?

So does that mean that from now on, I can just walk up and say "Hey, fucked any hot guys lately" and girls wont slap me in the face and call me a perv and a sicko?

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