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Is it weird to feel uncomfortable with my roommate's lack of modesty?


spideycat

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I feel kind of like a prude, but... My roommate has taken to wearing nothing but booty shorts (that show a lot of what's underneath) and a bra around our dorm, and I have no idea why it makes me so uncomfortable, but it does.

I mean, when I see artistic nudity on tumblr or something, I'm fine with it. Sometimes I even like seeing those photos on an aesthetic level; I think the human body is often really beautiful. But when I see my roommate wearing next to nothing, I feel like I have to look away and it makes me very uncomfortable. Same thing when she changes out in the open in our room and I catch glimpses of her naked that I really didn't want to see.

We've always been civil with each other but never really friends, and we've never talked much about what we prefer in a living situation, aside from things like windows open/closed, headphones, and lights on/off. We don't have a roommate contract because she didn't want one. So I'm not really sure how to broach this topic of clothing/modesty with her without making her uncomfortable or making things awkward between us. I think she just has very different boundaries than I do with her friends, because she sleeps in bed with them and sometimes they come over and wear nothing but their underwear, too. (All are girls.)

I have several questions wrapped into one post (so feel free to just answer whatever one interests you, I guess): is it weird that this makes me uncomfortable, and do you think it has anything to do with me being ace, even though her partial nudity is not sexual, it's (as far as I can tell) more of a 'being comfortable' thing? And how do I talk to her about this in a polite and respectful way without offending her?

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It's not weird, no. I know the thing in vogue seems to be to declare nudity - or at least, being less modest - perfectly natural and nothing wrong with it, doesn't have to be sexual, loosen up etc, etc ... which is fine for some people, but it's not weird or wrong to feel uncomfortable about it either.

I wish I knew what to say when it comes to talking to her about it. This sort of thing can be a hot button issue for some people, apparently ...

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I think that's got nothing to do with being asexual. It's inconsiderate to walk around mostly naked if your room mates aren't ok with it. Also, think of how your friends would feel if you invited them over and saw your room mate like this. I'm sure they'd be uncomfortable about seeing someone they barely know walking around your room this way.

There's nothing wrong with being uncomfortable with someone doing something inappropriate. It's fine to walk around naked when you are alone. But whenever you have room mates, you have certain agreements. I've lived with many room mates for many years. Walking around the house undressed is slightly more unacceptable than playing the radio at 2AM.

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While I appreciate that she feels comfortable enough to wander around with minimal clothes, she's being very inconsiderate to you. Is there are way you can have a discussion with her about this without it exploding into a fight? If you have an RA available, you might see if they'd be willing to play arbitrator so you and your roommate can come to an equitable arrangement (like she only under-dresses when she has the room to herself and agrees to at least a light robe when other people are present).

I would be extremely uncomfortable with that sort of behavior too. That's what the bathroom and your private room are for. It's not polite in any way.

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This person clearly is extremely comfortable in their own skin, and that's a positive thing for them. However, you are NOT comfortable, so you need to broach this subject. Perhaps one day while this person is clothed (so that you aren't embarrassed to look at them during the conversation), and you both have some free time, bring this up. Something along the lines of "So...I don't wanna be the big bad prude or anything, since you're clearly comfortable with it, but the way you and your friends wander around in very little clothing has been making me pretty uncomfortable. I get that your fine with it and I don't have a problem with it theoretically or morally, but when I see you with so little clothes it just kind of makes me feel really embarrassed and uncomfortable. Can we reach a compromise with this? I don't want to stifle you, but its my room too and I'd like to be able to feel comfortable as well."

I am one of those people with no body modesty. I have a standing rule of 'you can look so long as you never try to touch', and I've accidentally freaked a few people out showing up around the house in various states of undress. However, when these people TELL me that its uncomfortable for them, or Inotice on my own, I have no trouble making effort to cover up a little more for their sakes. As long as people aren't phrasing it to say that I'm disgusting or immoral or some other insulting way of saying 'put some clothes on', I'm quite happy to strike a compromise between feeling free and making sure THEY are comfortable around me. Maybe your room mate is the same? Broach the subject casually, and explain that you don't have a moral crusade against nudity or anything, you just aren't comfortable with so much of it in some one who you aren't super close friends with. Hopefully, she will be one of those people who cares as much about the comfort of her room mates as she does aout her own, and will be willing to throw on an oversized shirt or something.

Good luck with this, I hope you two can come to a happy compromise.

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nanogretchen4

It sounds like there is no private room and the bathroom is probably public, at least that was the case in my college dorm. So the roommate is not underdressed in the living room, she's underdressed in her bedroom. Since she has literally nowhere more private to change she should for sure be free to change in her bedroom and you should politely look the other way. She could perhaps put on a T shirt or a robe the rest of the time, but clearly her usual bedroom attire does not violate what she and her friends consider normal standards for same sex modesty in a bedroom. So, you know, bring it up politely and realize that some compromise may be necessary. Don't report her to the RA without talking it over with her first. Unless you have asked politely and she has flat out refused to make any accommodation to your sensibilities I don't think she's done anything wrong.

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I think part of the problem is an age thing. There are some people aged 18-22 (college aged) that get the mistaken notion that now that they are all grown up, they can do whatever they want because mom and dad aren't around to tell them anymore. They don't yet realize that even though mom and dad aren't around, there are plenty of rules that still apply when you live with someone else.

I'm not sure if there's a decent compromise available. I'm an indoor nudist and I've had several years of having many room mats across the country. As an indoor nudist, most of the comfort is being able to walk freely about the house without worrying about clothes. If I had a compromise with someone, it would mean being naked only in my own room. If it were a room mate in the same room, that would mean being naked behind a screen. For most nudists, it's not the "being naked" part that feels great, it's the walking around wherever you please that way. Being forced to stay in a safe naked zone makes it feel restrictive and makes it worse than just walking around with clothes on.

It's not that much of a sacrifice. I have had many many room mates. Not a single one was comfortable with me walking around naked. I tried once just to walk around in my room and even that made my room mates uncomfortable because if they had to knock to speak to me, I'd forget to cover myself before I told them that they could come in. So I just didn't do it.

Occasionally, I'd get annoyed that I couldn't walk around naked in my own house, but for the most part, it didn't bother me. Most nudists don't have this extreme need to simply be naked. It's all about the fact that you CAN do it wherever you want in private. Seriously, it's great to play the stereo at 2AM without headphones, but you just don't DO that with room mates.

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nanogretchen4

The roommate in not even naked, she's in "booty shorts" and a bra. In other words, her attire covers more than an average bikini. The "compromise" involves how far you can reasonably go in requiring your roommate to cover up. For example, if she's comfortable going to class in short shorts and a halter top, could you forbid her to wear this same outfit in her bedroom? How much clothing is she required to actually sleep in?

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I think that's got nothing to do with being asexual. It's inconsiderate to walk around mostly naked if your room mates aren't ok with it.

The same. If she is comfortable with herself that's nice but she should also consider your feelings in the matter. After all you share a room and should have rules which benefit you both. I'm sure that you don't watch tv without headphones in the middel of the night etc. because you are aware of this situation.

There is nothing wrong with telling her that you'd appreciate it if she could not do it when you are in the room. As I was told: always say please and thank you, most people will be inclined to say yes ;)

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The roommate in not even naked, she's in "booty shorts" and a bra. In other words, her attire covers more than an average bikini. The "compromise" involves how far you can reasonably go in requiring your roommate to cover up. For example, if she's comfortable going to class in short shorts and a halter top, could you forbid her to wear this same outfit in her bedroom? How much clothing is she required to actually sleep in?

I assumed she is realing wearing what people usually deem as underwear (if it shows a lot of "underneath") and that for a considerable time. Otherwise, good point.

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You know, she might not be aware at all that it's weird/uncomfortable to others to see her walking with few clothes on! I myself am used to wearing only underwear at home when it's only me any my mother, maybe she also comes from an open family, where they don't view it as a problem. You should be honest with her and explain that you are not comfortable with it. If she's a comprehensible person, she'll understand. And if she doesn't, well, when you live together you have to compromise, and it's normal not to do things that bother the people you live with. If she isn't ready to give up something, then she shouldn't consider sharing a place with others.

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I'm old. I had no idea what booty shorts were. Even with the desc, I was imagining them to be buttless chaps for some reason! Haha!

This is a link in case you don't know what buttless chaps are. Don't click unless you really want to see a guys bare butt. http://ackeeloverchronicles.blogspot.com/2012/07/of-buttless-chaps-and-band-called-vag.html

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'Hell is other people', as it goes. Doesn't matter if it's a room or the whole house, some folk are just annoying to live with! :/

Try mentioning it in the form of a joke. Like jeez I can see what you had for dinner. Or something of the like. Then you can gage if they'll get their hotpants in a twist about it being mentioned or if they'll actually grow some modesty.

And if it's the former just say wow chill out I was only saying.

Good luck! Find a new room mate too!

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I think you need to compromise that adults have the choice to wear whatever clothing they want. You don't have a say over what the lady in the grocery store wears, she doesn't decided what you wear, either. Your roommate is at home, not even in public. I don't think it's inconsiderate at all for her to wear this attire. You're fine to feel uncomfortable, but you feeling uncomfortable isn't reason for her to change. Talking with her is a good idea because perhaps her clothing means less to her than it does to you and she might be completely fine about throwing on a pair of sweats. But it will come off offensive if you approach her with the prerogative that, you're asking her to change what she wears because you think that you're the deciding vote (all depending on how it's presented). At the same time, she's also living with you , and there's certain compromises she needs to make as well. It's a question of if your feelings are more important than her real-life decisions (choice of clothing? I could've just said that lol), or if her clothing choice is more important than your feelings. I'd bring it up by just asking her something like, "I know so many people who wouldn't feel comfortable walking around like that" "has anyone ever asked you to wear more conservative clothing?" ... to spark a conversation about why she's wearing what she wears, and what compromises she may have made in the past/what she minds, etc. And she might then ask you how you feel about her attire, probably.

I'll be completely honest: every time someone tells me to wear a more conservative attire, I laugh in their face for thinking that they could tell me how to dress my own body, and I know lots of people who react the same way I do even if the request isn't a demand---even if the person making the request is doing so because they feel genuinely uncomfortable, like you. So, it's worth bringing up, but try your super hardest not to sound like you're telling her what to do because we're all ready to rebel when someone starts talking about our clothes. "I'll show my tits out my shirt if I want to, bitch!" *slams door*

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I don't see this as a clothing problem, I see it as a comfort problem. I don't think the reason of discomfort is even important because everyone is different.

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colorsinlight

i think this is more of a boundary issue than anything else. your roommate likes going around in not many clothes, that may be what is the natural state for her. you don't like it--not being around that may be the natural state for you. your roommate is unlikely to change what she is doing unless you say something. i think it would be good to approach this not from a viewpoint of "you are doing something bad" (because she isn't), but from "i live here too and i'm not comfortable with what you're doing". i think a frank discussion of what makes you uncomfortable would be good. if she doesn't agree, maybe you should get a different roommate.

and i say this as a person who would like to go naked around the house but doesn't because her roommates said no to that.

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To me it actually sounds like your roommate does not realize that she has a "lack of modesty." I know many, many girls who view it as perfectly normal to walk around in the clothes that you're talking about (including my mother!). You also mentioned that her friends are very similar, which furthers to strengthen my point.

That does not mean that you are incorrect, and no, it's got nothing at all to do with asexuality. Plenty of sexual people would be uncomfortable in that situation, too. From what I can see, it has a lot more to do with what your family was like on the matter than it is your sexuality. For example, someone whose parents were really, really religious and where no one ever talked about sex would probably be uncomfortable with a roommate who wore the same kind of clothes that yours does, whereas someone from a family where sex was often discussed probably wouldn't care either way. For me, I usually wear fairly conservative clothes in and out of bed (usually), but I don't care what anyone else wears.

Now, how to broach the subject . . . I thoroughly support Scotthespy's suggestion! Honestly, that sounds like the best deal to me. Saying it like that shouldn't come off as too jerky or anything. :)

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Thanks for the feedback, everyone! :) This will help me talk to her about it--esp Scottthespy's suggestions. And I appreciate the insights into whether this discomfort springs from me being ace or not. Interesting reading!

@Starlit Sky, yeah, good point. I'm a liberal atheist, but I did grow up in a conservative religious household where sex was not ever discussed and there were certain things you just didn't wear in front of other people, including underwear, short shorts, and bikinis. Maybe that's influenced where I set my comfort level as far as modesty, idk.

And, to people wondering: nanogretchen4 is right, it's just one dorm room with two beds, not an apartment, so there's really no place in the dorm where I can't see her and she can't see me. It's not really that private.

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@Starlit Sky, yeah, good point. I'm a liberal atheist, but I did grow up in a conservative religious household where sex was not ever discussed and there were certain things you just didn't wear in front of other people, including underwear, short shorts, and bikinis. Maybe that's influenced where I set my comfort level as far as modesty, idk.

Yeah, I think so! ^_^ For me my family was a little more left-wing than in the middle, but not totally liberal. No one in my family blinked an eye if you walked around in your underwear, but no one was surprised if you were covered from head-to-toe in August, either. I would say that that is why I don't really mind if someone wears little to no clothing, whereas I usually wear more conservative attire.

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Underwear around others is something a lot of people are OK with and others are not. Talk to her about maybe putting on a tank top and pj shorts or something. In the end, its up to her to compromise or not but she might. People at my college were half and half, theater people and stuff tended to change in front of anyone cause they were used to it. But, when modesty was requested they tended to help in ways that were reasonable for them. Short shorts like you wear out or for pjs I doubt anyone would stop wearing at home. So depends how underwearish her attire is.

As for changing you could ask if you buy a privacy screen could she use it. That way she can change in her bedroom without you having to see her naked. Dorms are cramped and some things are hard to get, like privacy.

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