Advice for possible future relationship with an asexual

[Pandilla]

me and an ace friend of mine have become close, and I am hoping to get advice just in case a relationship were to form one day...

what are some things I should know and be aware of?

also im not a sexual person, or much of a physical one either. (only dated one person in real life in the past and we just used to go out to lunch together, it never progressed farther than that and the rest were long distance relationships that really went nowhere)

[Autumn Season]

I'm curious about the same thing. Asexual people confuse me sometimes. (And I'm ace myself.)

[Pandilla]

I'm curious about the same thing. Asexual people confuse me sometimes. (And I'm ace myself.)

well for me its not so much that im confused, its more that I am not knowledgeable with how relationships go. while I had a number of online relationships, they mostly were me being taken advantage of by someone and being kicked to the curb once that "money well" has dried up, which is usually a week or so later. (Im poor)

[pinkroses]

you could ask them about asexuality ? not every one feels the same. also dont pressure them for sex, pressure isnt nice. but you can talk to them, see how they feel about sex. and if needed reach a compromise if needed. some only have sex with their partner sometimes, some have sex more often. it depends on the person. Talk to them about it see how they feel. then go from there. and before that, so how the it goes with them. if you dont enter into a relationship , then there is not need to worry about sex. other than that no idea what else to say. good luck.

[Pandilla]

you could ask them about asexuality ? not every one feels the same. also dont pressure them for sex, pressure isnt nice. but you can talk to them, see how they feel about sex. and if needed reach a compromise if needed. some only have sex with their partner sometimes, some have sex more often. it depends on the person. Talk to them about it see how they feel. then go from there. and before that, so how the it goes with them. if you dont enter into a relationship , then there is not need to worry about sex. other than that no idea what else to say. good luck.

well, im not sexual, so I dont think compromise would really be a problem.

and I do ask her about asexuality and such

thanks for the advice though :P

[Ace_Kat]

As long as you respect each other and care for each other, then the relationship would be a awesome and good time :)

[Pandilla]

As long as you respect each other and care for each other, then the relationship would be a awesome and good time :)

well to be fair, I think shes getting bored of me lately...

[timewarp]

Talk about everything and respect each other's limits. There's not much more to it I guess.

[Starlit Sky]

Honestly, the only guaranteed thing that connects one asexual with another asexual is that we don't experience sexual attraction. Literally everything else is up in the air, from romantic orientation, to hobbies, to the preferences of touching . . . as you aren't a very sexual person, there's no advice to be had. Not asexuality-specific advice, anyway. Here's some girl advice though:

1) Always compliment her. I'm not saying you have to do it every hour on the hour, but most people like to feel attractive.

2) Be willing to listen to her. We girls love talking, and we even need talking more than you guys do. You don't have to be her diary, but that's a pretty key thing.

3) We're going to hope that she doesn't do this, but if she's the type of girl who will say that nothing is wrong with her when there is very clearly something wrong, then try not to get mad. I know it's hard (because I always get annoyed, too), but it would mean the world to her and would show her you care if you ask about her feelings.

3b) On the flip side of that, if she repeatedly says that nothing is wrong, leave her alone. Again, try not to get mad. Do your best to let her know that she can talk when she wants to.

4) According to one study, only about seven percent of women find it offensive when a guy does something like hold the door open for them, and most women crave a bit of chivalry. I'm not saying that you should drop everything and turn into something you're not if you're not that kind of guy, but if you do open doors and whatnot for her every now and then then it's very likely to make her happy.

5) Always take interest in what's going on in her life, but don't make it your priority to be her life.

Hmm . . . I guess those are some tips, anyway.

Now, you say that she might be getting bored? Try to do something spontaneous. Go to the park or somewhere else nice (and when I say "nice" I don't mean expensive). Do something you don't normally do. That should reignite the interest! ^_^

[El-not-so-ace]

Studies have shown that doing exciting activities together makes a person associate part of that excitement with the person they do it with. So even watching an action movie together, playing video games or laser tag (whatever action-filled activity she may prefer) together should help a little at least! :) Good luck!!

[Ace_Kat]

As long as you respect each other and care for each other, then the relationship would be a awesome and good time :)

well to be fair, I think shes getting bored of me lately...

Bored? Why do you think that?

[Pandilla]

Honestly, the only guaranteed thing that connects one asexual with another asexual is that we don't experience sexual attraction. Literally everything else is up in the air, from romantic orientation, to hobbies, to the preferences of touching . . . as you aren't a very sexual person, there's no advice to be had. Not asexuality-specific advice, anyway. Here's some girl advice though:

1) Always compliment her. I'm not saying you have to do it every hour on the hour, but most people like to feel attractive.

2) Be willing to listen to her. We girls love talking, and we even need talking more than you guys do. You don't have to be her diary, but that's a pretty key thing.

3) We're going to hope that she doesn't do this, but if she's the type of girl who will say that nothing is wrong with her when there is very clearly something wrong, then try not to get mad. I know it's hard (because I always get annoyed, too), but it would mean the world to her and would show her you care if you ask about her feelings.

3b) On the flip side of that, if she repeatedly says that nothing is wrong, leave her alone. Again, try not to get mad. Do your best to let her know that she can talk when she wants to.

4) According to one study, only about seven percent of women find it offensive when a guy does something like hold the door open for them, and most women crave a bit of chivalry. I'm not saying that you should drop everything and turn into something you're not if you're not that kind of guy, but if you do open doors and whatnot for her every now and then then it's very likely to make her happy.

5) Always take interest in what's going on in her life, but don't make it your priority to be her life.

Hmm . . . I guess those are some tips, anyway.

Now, you say that she might be getting bored? Try to do something spontaneous. Go to the park or somewhere else nice (and when I say "nice" I don't mean expensive). Do something you don't normally do. That should reignite the interest! ^_^

well considering that we only know each other long distance, taking her to the park would be pretty impossible lol.

but seriously, dont worry about me complimenting her and listening to her, I listen to pretty much her every word. and as for compliments, I do compliment her alot but not to just throw them out, I do so cus I actually mean it...

I do like to listen to her talk about herself and her life, but lately she just doesnt want to talk about it... a week ago she was telling me about her new job and how exciting it was and stuff but now she just brushes it off and doesnt really talk about anything with me anymore... I dont know if somethings wrong or not... im rather confused... I dont know if I should give her some time to herself or not because she says that people dont really care about her and she gets lonely. I feel bad when shes like that...

As long as you respect each other and care for each other, then the relationship would be a awesome and good time :)

well to be fair, I think shes getting bored of me lately...

Bored? Why do you think that?

as I said above, she just hasnt been talking to me much like she usually does... and when I message her its usually silence for a long amount of time then a one word sentence. but with everyone else (we go to a public chat) shes the life of the party...

granted its been 5 years since we met and she knows pretty much everything there is to know about me. so maybe shes just losing interest. :/ which sucks for me because shes the only person who stayed with me through the worst of what I was going through... she actually saved my life once... plus she treats me like a human being while others just treat me like either "ghetto mexican trash" or "that retarded guy" due to both the situation I grew up in aswell as my mental disability...

[Autumn Season]

She's got a new job? This explains a lot. She might spend a couple of months, emotionally and practically prioritizing her job.

You could ask her if she'd like to watch a movie together or do something else LD-cy together. Even if she turns you down for time-reasons, she would understand that you want to spend more time together.

In the end loosing interest is what people do. Even if they like somebody and think about the other, it doesn't mean they will be excited to talk to the same person for a long time.

[Pandilla]

She's got a new job? This explains a lot. She might spend a couple of months, emotionally and practically prioritizing her job.

You could ask her if she'd like to watch a movie together or do something else LD-cy together. Even if she turns you down for time-reasons, she would understand that you want to spend more time together.

In the end loosing interest is what people do. Even if they like somebody and think about the other, it doesn't mean they will be excited to talk to the same person for a long time.

well I left her a message earlier telling her that she can message me whenever she is ready to cus I was going to give her some space. she does know I want to spend time with her :o im just that kind of guy. well the reason why we got so close in the first place was cus I was kinda persistent and a bit clingy with her as a friend which i guess she hated at first. i dunno... In december she told me she would never leave me. right before leaving for most of janurary for her job... but atleast she came back and we got to talk...

I have a feeling things will be going downhill from this point :( every year something goes horribly wrong in my life and I doubt this year will be any different

[Ace_Kat]

Honestly, the only guaranteed thing that connects one asexual with another asexual is that we don't experience sexual attraction. Literally everything else is up in the air, from romantic orientation, to hobbies, to the preferences of touching . . . as you aren't a very sexual person, there's no advice to be had. Not asexuality-specific advice, anyway. Here's some girl advice though:

1) Always compliment her. I'm not saying you have to do it every hour on the hour, but most people like to feel attractive.

2) Be willing to listen to her. We girls love talking, and we even need talking more than you guys do. You don't have to be her diary, but that's a pretty key thing.

3) We're going to hope that she doesn't do this, but if she's the type of girl who will say that nothing is wrong with her when there is very clearly something wrong, then try not to get mad. I know it's hard (because I always get annoyed, too), but it would mean the world to her and would show her you care if you ask about her feelings.

3b) On the flip side of that, if she repeatedly says that nothing is wrong, leave her alone. Again, try not to get mad. Do your best to let her know that she can talk when she wants to.

4) According to one study, only about seven percent of women find it offensive when a guy does something like hold the door open for them, and most women crave a bit of chivalry. I'm not saying that you should drop everything and turn into something you're not if you're not that kind of guy, but if you do open doors and whatnot for her every now and then then it's very likely to make her happy.

5) Always take interest in what's going on in her life, but don't make it your priority to be her life.

Hmm . . . I guess those are some tips, anyway.

Now, you say that she might be getting bored? Try to do something spontaneous. Go to the park or somewhere else nice (and when I say "nice" I don't mean expensive). Do something you don't normally do. That should reignite the interest! ^_^

well considering that we only know each other long distance, taking her to the park would be pretty impossible lol.

but seriously, dont worry about me complimenting her and listening to her, I listen to pretty much her every word. and as for compliments, I do compliment her alot but not to just throw them out, I do so cus I actually mean it...

I do like to listen to her talk about herself and her life, but lately she just doesnt want to talk about it... a week ago she was telling me about her new job and how exciting it was and stuff but now she just brushes it off and doesnt really talk about anything with me anymore... I dont know if somethings wrong or not... im rather confused... I dont know if I should give her some time to herself or not because she says that people dont really care about her and she gets lonely. I feel bad when shes like that...

As long as you respect each other and care for each other, then the relationship would be a awesome and good time :)

well to be fair, I think shes getting bored of me lately...

Bored? Why do you think that?

as I said above, she just hasnt been talking to me much like she usually does... and when I message her its usually silence for a long amount of time then a one word sentence. but with everyone else (we go to a public chat) shes the life of the party...

granted its been 5 years since we met and she knows pretty much everything there is to know about me. so maybe shes just losing interest. :/ which sucks for me because shes the only person who stayed with me through the worst of what I was going through... she actually saved my life once... plus she treats me like a human being while others just treat me like either "ghetto mexican trash" or "that retarded guy" due to both the situation I grew up in aswell as my mental disability...

I am sorry to hear that there were assholes who called you those horrible things. If you think she is losing interest of you, you must keeping talking to her. If you keep talking to another person, then they will not hesitate to talk to you after a long time of not talking.

[Charlotte_uk]

This may sound obvious, but have you actually told her you like her more than just a friend? I've been in several near-relationships where I only found out the guy had feelings for me after I began dating someone else. They assumed I 'just knew' and in some cases were quite angry that I had moved on with someone else. And Autumn is right in suggesting that a new job will likely be taking up much of her time and energy at the moment. I wouldn't take it personally if she is busier than usual right now, as a new job can be pretty exhausting to begin with.

[Starlit Sky]

I have to agree with the whole idea of the job. I'm going to be pretty darn blunt here, okay, but ONLY because I want to help you understand (what I believe) is going on, and this might help you a whole lot.

If this girl is anything like me, then she definitely likes her space (and most people like their space, so she probably does, too). Sometimes I just don't want to talk to people for a little while, and then when I stop texting for just a few hours some guys are like,

???

Hello? Did I do something wrong?

Are you annoyed at me?

Well I wasn't, but I am now. . . .

The same thing can happen if I don't answer back in a day or two. It makes me feel a bit bad but, more than anything else, it doesn't put a good marker on the guy . . . I start to think that he would never be okay with not talking for a few hours (or a few days, depending). I start sensing desperation and a lack of confidence, and that only makes me retreat more, until I'm gone and just not coming back.

Do you do that? Do you answer her several times if she doesn't respond, and do you get anxious if a full day goes by? Calm yourself. :) Find what you like doing and distract yourself with that. Do not let her, or anyone else, be the absolute center of your world. I'm not saying that you need to not love her the most, or whatever--I'm just saying that if you put your happiness in any one thing or person you are setting yourself up for sadness.

I'm not going to lie to you, if I was there then I would have stopped you from sending the "I'm here when you need me" message. It truly is very sweet of you, but she most likely is not going to think of it that way. At this point, do not contact her again. Normally it's the girls who are told to "let them come to you," but in this case I'm going to tell that to you, at least this one time. Even if it takes a day, or two weeks, or three months, let her come to you. Remember what I said about centering yourself. And, regardless of whether she has already messaged you or she hasn't yet--remember what I said about messaging her repeatedly.

Honestly, you sound like a fantastic guy and if the two of you get together I'm sure she would love being with you! Your only problem is that you need to focus on yourself a bit more--not to be selfish, but just don't spend every second of the day thinking abut her, if that's what you do now. :) I'm glad that you compliment her and everything else!

[Pandilla]

This may sound obvious, but have you actually told her you like her more than just a friend? I've been in several near-relationships where I only found out the guy had feelings for me after I began dating someone else. They assumed I 'just knew' and in some cases were quite angry that I had moved on with someone else. And Autumn is right in suggesting that a new job will likely be taking up much of her time and energy at the moment. I wouldn't take it personally if she is busier than usual right now, as a new job can be pretty exhausting to begin with.

well we talked about it numerous times before and she knows that I have pretty strong feelings for her, which is something she tends to tease me about...

I have to agree with the whole idea of the job. I'm going to be pretty darn blunt here, okay, but ONLY because I want to help you understand (what I believe) is going on, and this might help you a whole lot.

If this girl is anything like me, then she definitely likes her space (and most people like their space, so she probably does, too). Sometimes I just don't want to talk to people for a little while, and then when I stop texting for just a few hours some guys are like,

???

Hello? Did I do something wrong?

Are you annoyed at me?

Well I wasn't, but I am now. . . .

The same thing can happen if I don't answer back in a day or two. It makes me feel a bit bad but, more than anything else, it doesn't put a good marker on the guy . . . I start to think that he would never be okay with not talking for a few hours (or a few days, depending). I start sensing desperation and a lack of confidence, and that only makes me retreat more, until I'm gone and just not coming back.

Do you do that? Do you answer her several times if she doesn't respond, and do you get anxious if a full day goes by? Calm yourself. :) Find what you like doing and distract yourself with that. Do not let her, or anyone else, be the absolute center of your world. I'm not saying that you need to not love her the most, or whatever--I'm just saying that if you put your happiness in any one thing or person you are setting yourself up for sadness.

I'm not going to lie to you, if I was there then I would have stopped you from sending the "I'm here when you need me" message. It truly is very sweet of you, but she most likely is not going to think of it that way. At this point, do not contact her again. Normally it's the girls who are told to "let them come to you," but in this case I'm going to tell that to you, at least this one time. Even if it takes a day, or two weeks, or three months, let her come to you. Remember what I said about centering yourself. And, regardless of whether she has already messaged you or she hasn't yet--remember what I said about messaging her repeatedly.

Honestly, you sound like a fantastic guy and if the two of you get together I'm sure she would love being with you! Your only problem is that you need to focus on yourself a bit more--not to be selfish, but just don't spend every second of the day thinking abut her, if that's what you do now. :) I'm glad that you compliment her and everything else!

yea, might as well disappear for a while. shes been pretty much a person I exclusively talk to for the past year or so, everyone else just seems distant and just arent important, plus I have trust issues and just anxiety issues in general relating to other people... so im just going to spend time playing video games and just fading away like before.

its better to just not get involved with anyone in the first place.

[Pandilla]

*Update*

we talked yesterday, all seems to be well :o

sorry about the depressing talk near the end... I get like that sometimes (Dont worry, she knows... she pretty much knows everything about me and I dont keep secrets from her)

[Lucinda]

Good to hear, Pandilla!

Lucinda

[Starlit Sky]

I've been trying to figure out how to exactly respond to that XD I'm glad that things are better now. :)

[Pandilla]

Good to hear, Pandilla!

Lucinda

muchas gracias :P

I've been trying to figure out how to exactly respond to that XD I'm glad that things are better now. :)

thanks :) Im really glad I was able to find such an understanding person like her. shes really a one in a million

[Starlit Sky]

It sure sounds like it! Of course, if you have any questions or want some more advice, then feel free to ask around some more. You can PM me as well if you ever feel you have a problem, I don't care!

[Pandilla]

It sure sounds like it! Of course, if you have any questions or want some more advice, then feel free to ask around some more. You can PM me as well if you ever feel you have a problem, I don't care!

alright, if need arises then I shall do so. thank you for the offer :)