An ace relationship trainwreck (long post)

[Mona Lisa]

I never thought I'd find an asexual person, much less someone with whom I could have a relationship. But, almost exactly a year ago, I apparently entered a romantic relationship with another asexual person, and we shared a great deal in common.

Unfortunately, I was dragged into it, not altogether willingly.

Let me start at the beginning.

I consider myself asexual, experiencing aesthetic attraction only and zero desire for sexual intimacy. I haven't been on AVEN in many, many months, and part of it has because I had been busy with ... shall I say, field research? I was desperate to meet other asexual people in person. I was lonely and needed some friends (key word) who truly understood my relationship struggles. I had heard that OKCupid was a good place to find local asexual people, so I signed up and started answering questions honestly, stating upfront in my profile that I was looking for friends and not interested in sex.

My matches were no more than 50-60% if they had answered sex questions. But an anomaly popped up: a 98% match. One who had answered as many hundreds of questions as I had. I was mind-boggled. Unbelievable! Could it be I had found my asexual unicorn?

After exchanging messages, I met Mr. 98% in person for the first time last winter. I had no physical attraction toward him whatsoever but that was OK: I wasn't in it for the looks, and he was kind and sweet and we shared similar views. The next week was Valentine's Day, and he invited me over for dinner (he cooked) and board games. I was nervous, so I wore nice clothes. It was fun and I liked him.

Soon we would hang out regularly, maybe grab dinner, play board games, go bowling, watch movies. Things that could be done by both friends and committed couples. I thought nothing of it. Mr. 98% had just moved to the area and didn't know anyone else, so I was most of his social life. I wanted a little more time to myself, so I introduced him to my board game group so he could meet some friends. But although he seemed to enjoy the game sessions, he'd only go if I went, and barely talked to anyone else.

You could say I was oblivious, and I admit it, I am generally oblivious to flirting and romance. We never discussed where exactly we were, and I considered it a friendship. But then he dropped a bomb on me.

Out of the blue, friends and family began messaging me on Facebook, congratulating me. I was genuinely confused until I saw his post that tagged me and called me his "girlfriend." A post that, by then, my mother and friends and co-workers had seen. Oh, God.

I should have nipped it in the bud right then. I was furious with him. I never consented to this relationship. But I was too embarrassed to correct him, and to save face, I went along with it. I expressed my disappointment to him privately and told him, for the benefit of our overbearing mothers, he could continue the honorarium.

At first, it was nice to not have my mother pester me about dating. I even experienced a little euphoria at times. But over the course of a few months, Mr. 98% began doing things that made even super-oblivious me pause and squirm in discomfort. Hand-written letters with little drawings. Necklaces from Etsy. A very personal letter that gave me "permission to hurt" him (I didn't understand what he meant and had to ask). Then one from his mother thanking me for making him happy. We met each other's parents. But it was the flowers and the invitation to our "six-month anniversary dinner" that finally did me in.

My friends and mother were ecstatic for me. I'd never gotten flowers from anyone before, ever. I loved it. But it also scared the ever-loving crap out of me. That was when I realized he was in love with me. For real. I should have appreciated these gestures and gifts. I should have fallen swooning for such a sweet guy. I should have been in love. But I wasn't. He was perfect for me, but I ... I couldn't lie to myself anymore. I couldn't make myself love him. I felt smothered, trapped and panicked. I resented him for it.

I broke up with Mr. 98% the next time I saw him. I was as honest - and gentle - as I could be with him and told him I did not have romantic feelings for him and did not want a romantic relationship. I told him I thought I might be aromantic. I told him the gestures and the flowers made me uncomfortable. He said he had feelings for me, then texted me asking if we could have a queerplatonic relationship, if not a romantic one. I said no because I knew for him it would not be platonic -- and I could not continue with this pretense, or the guilt of a one-sided relationship. He texted again, disappointed, saying he'd still like to hang out.

That was the last I heard from him, and that was early in the fall. Eventually he unfriended me on social networks. And I continue to live with the guilt, feeling like a cold bitch, afraid to look for more asexual friends because I don't want to break any more hearts. I've come to realize more and more that I am definitely on the aromantic spectrum, and that being aromantic - on top of being asexual - presents its own dimension of challenges. I am crushingly lonely, but unsure about whether I could ever handle a close relationship. I wish we could have been simply friends and that he hadn't complicated things. But neither of us was willing to compromise, and that killed whatever it was. Was he to blame for not asking for my feelings, or am I to blame for enabling him? Will I always be trapped between desiring a relationship and wanting to escape it? Am I aromantic? Am I destined to be alone and unhappy, or unhappy as a partner? Why am I like this?

--

TLDR: A fellow asexual person who I liked as a friend fell in love with me and declared me his girlfriend. I felt claustrophobic in the relationship so I broke it off, feeling extremely guilty. Now I wonder if I am aromantic.

[Philip027]

Yeah, that dude jumped the gun. It's unfortunate that it made things so uncomfortable for you that you didn't feel like you could even remain friends (since, to me, he at least doesn't seem like a *bad* person) but it is what it is. Hopefully it is something he learns from.

It's why people should definitely talk about these sorts of things before proclaiming to the world that they're an item with someone else.

[Rainbow~Sprinkles]

Wow. I can see why you felt really irritated by him. From reading what you've written, it sounds like he assumed because it was on OKcupid usually used for romantic purposes, that it was a romantic relationship. Which I also find confusing since you wrote on your profile that you were only looking for friends. There seems to be a massive sign of miscommunication here and I think he really should have asked you out properly. For the future, I would just double check what people's intentions are before going out with them just to be on the safe side and save any future situations like this. I've also had to do this a couple of times unfortunately just to make sure.

Also, it is a possibility you could be aromantic. I completely relate to everything you have said especially about receiving gifts and having someone talk to you all the time. As an introvert I find I'm constantly in this weird dance, where I take step towards closeness but then I get too close to someone and feel stifled, so I take a step back. And it goes on like this until one of us calls it quits. So far its been the other person not getting enough closeness. I am also unsure if I even feel romantic feelings for them and am questioning if I am aromantic. I find this a very lonely prospect and am kind of pushing those ideas away for the moment and looking at other options first.

I've done some research for myself lately and I thought of a couple of links that might help you. I don't know if you are an introvert or not, but these links might be useful to you anyway.

http://www.quietrev.com/4-strategies-to-communicate-introvert-relationship-preferences/

http://brendaknowles.com/introvert-relationships-love-me-or-leave-me-but-please-dont-need-me-too-much/

I'm not sure if you've ever heard of the Five Love Languages? Its basically five ways of expressing that you love someone, and usually there will be two that are meaningful to you and the others are less meaningful. There is giving gifts, physical affection, words of affirmation, quality time and acts of service. Its a strong possibility that perhaps gifts isn't something that's meaningful to you and two of the others mean more to you. There is a test but I wouldn't recommend it as it asks some pretty personal questions that aces can't really answer without a lot of experience. It might be better to reflect on your experiences, you'll probably know which ones mean most to you already. Here's the link http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

Good luck :)

[pinkroses]

posting on face book that you are a couple without first being a couple isnt okay. would a hug be okay ? relationships are hard. :/

[Wiseja1987]

Holy crap. That's incredibly creepy behavior you had to deal with.

I should have fallen swooning for such a sweet guy

Um, you do know this was what he was trying to make you feel? Like you "Should" have feelings for him? he didn't know how to just ask you what you wanted or how you felt, so he defaulted to trying to make other people believe you were a couple, and make you feel obligated to follow through whit his charade. That's avery insecure and unfair way to behave, especially since he continued to buy you unwanted gifts and shove unwanted affection at you when you had told him you didn't see the two of you as a couple. The fact that he cut off contact after telling you he wanted to be friends is telling. He was probably waiting for you to miss him and ask for attention so he could put conditions on it. When that didn't work, he blocked you to try and make you feel like you'd done something wrong.

Pardon me if I sound angry. I've seen this happen way too many times, were people act like they can logic someone into loving Them. There's no "Should" with love, people are responsible for their open actions and m,managing their own feelings. What he did or felt is not your fault, or responsibility. It doesn't matter that you liked some of the attention, or felt relief at social pressure being removed; It doesn't matter that you felt close to him or trusted him. None of that obligates you to love him, and it isn't possible to make yourself love anyone.

The questions you're asking yourself, about being alone, or a "cold bitch", are very common feelings after being treated this way. You are not alone in this. It's normal to second-guess yourself when someone behaves so hurt; because you're a decent person who cares about your friends. That gives people like this guy an unfair ability to make you feel like crap when you did nothing wrong. I'm very, very glad you're not stuck with this guy; you deserve friends who actually respect your feelings and don't treat relationships like a transaction.

Please give yourself time heal from this, and know all of us are here for you. we not be able to offer support in person, but we can listen.

[Mona Lisa]

Holy crap. That's incredibly creepy behavior you had to deal with.

I should have fallen swooning for such a sweet guy

Um, you do know this was what he was trying to make you feel? Like you "Should" have feelings for him? he didn't know how to just ask you what you wanted or how you felt, so he defaulted to trying to make other people believe you were a couple, and make you feel obligated to follow through whit his charade. That's avery insecure and unfair way to behave, especially since he continued to buy you unwanted gifts and shove unwanted affection at you when you had told him you didn't see the two of you as a couple. The fact that he cut off contact after telling you he wanted to be friends is telling. He was probably waiting for you to miss him and ask for attention so he could put conditions on it. When that didn't work, he blocked you to try and make you feel like you'd done something wrong.

Pardon me if I sound angry. I've seen this happen way too many times, were people act like they can logic someone into loving Them. There's no "Should" with love, people are responsible for their open actions and m,managing their own feelings. What he did or felt is not your fault, or responsibility. It doesn't matter that you liked some of the attention, or felt relief at social pressure being removed; It doesn't matter that you felt close to him or trusted him. None of that obligates you to love him, and it isn't possible to make yourself love anyone.

The questions you're asking yourself, about being alone, or a "cold bitch", are very common feelings after being treated this way. You are not alone in this. It's normal to second-guess yourself when someone behaves so hurt; because you're a decent person who cares about your friends. That gives people like this guy an unfair ability to make you feel like crap when you did nothing wrong. I'm very, very glad you're not stuck with this guy; you deserve friends who actually respect your feelings and don't treat relationships like a transaction.

Please give yourself time heal from this, and know all of us are here for you. we not be able to offer support in person, but we can listen.

Thank you so much for this. I knew I didn't have any obligation to return the feelings, but I needed to hear it from another person. Guilt can warp our perceptions. And people like my mom, who is so desperate to see me not single, and probably still thinks he was "the one" for me, don't help.

At times it seemed like he'd do and say the right thing, then rinse and repeat, expecting me to react accordingly. Like he'd been reading Romance for Dummies or something.

[Wiseja1987]

Uhg, my mom does that too. She's terribly offended that I don't want children of my own, like it's some sort of reflection on her. My singleness is some sort of "proof" to her that I'm tanking my life. I don't think she believes it's possible for someone to be single on purpose, much less happy being single.

At times it seemed like he'd do and say the right thing, then rinse and repeat, expecting me to react accordingly. Like he'd been reading Romance for Dummies or something

I know exactly what you mean. I see people with low confidence do this a lot. I also see manipulative creeps do this a lot. It doesn't help that a lot of western culture places pressure on people to fix the behavior of people mistreating them. If you encounter anyone like this again, pretend they are a swarm of angry bees and run away. And tell me about it, so I can mail you a box of cookies.