Frozen Fairy Posted February 2, 2016 Share Posted February 2, 2016 I have a very relaxed relationship with my mum. I can talk to her about almost anything, including my sexuality. Now I've always been confused as to what sexual attraction actually is. I asked my mum, 'so do you just look at a man and think, 'I'd tap that'?' and she made a face and replies 'no!' I asked if she felt that way when she first met my dad and she said, 'no not straight away, I just liked him'. Now that to me sounds like the definition of demisexual. I'm pretty sure she's straight. So is demisexuality actually the norm? Or am I missing something? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Rising Sun Posted February 2, 2016 Share Posted February 2, 2016 No, your mother sounds "normal". Sexual attraction isn't looking at somebody and thinking "I'd tap that", people don't think like beasts. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Prufrock, but like, worse Posted February 2, 2016 Share Posted February 2, 2016 No, your mother sounds "normal". Sexual attraction isn't looking at somebody and thinking "I'd tap that", people don't think like beasts. I've met a few like that... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Frozen Fairy Posted February 2, 2016 Author Share Posted February 2, 2016 No, your mother sounds "normal". Sexual attraction isn't looking at somebody and thinking "I'd tap that", people don't think like beasts. I've met a few like that... So what is sexual attraction then? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Ricki Posted February 2, 2016 Share Posted February 2, 2016 I believe most of the population is Demi, to a small extent. It's surprisingly rare that someone genuinely only thinks about sex when they meet someone. It's more common with Young adults but that's hormone related - not necessarily sexuality based... It's an unprovable theory though xD Quote Link to post Share on other sites
dissolved Posted February 2, 2016 Share Posted February 2, 2016 No, your mother sounds "normal". Sexual attraction isn't looking at somebody and thinking "I'd tap that", people don't think like beasts.I've met a few like that... So what is sexual attraction then? Ask someone away from AVEN and they'll most likely describe their physiological reaction to someone. Their heart rate increases, maybe they blush, get a bit sweaty, and many people will also become aroused purely by this person, be it because of their appearance, voice, mannerisms etc or combination of things. Because it's exhilarating, and thus draw you in and at some point, be it with or without physical contact beforehand (e.g. kissing, brushing skin etc) it can take a sexual edge, but it can be very subtle. But this reaction to someone (or something for that matter) which CAN result in arousal, whether you then choose to act on it or not (as it IS a choice) is very much a result of sexual attraction, this inexplicable draw to someone. It's not as if there's this sudden neon flashing sign in your brain saying "let's fuck", there are no coherent, distinct thoughts as such, but touching feels good, which leads to more touching and so on, until you don't want to stop and there's an impulse to satisfy your arousal with this person. I've experienced this with very few people (four at most) and other people that I've spoken to do describe it similarly to this. It's never from merely looking at someone and the line of thought is not "I'd quite like to bone the this person". I've also heard it described as a buzz you get from someone, you feel a bit giddy around them and it's only satisfied (for lack of a better word) when you kinda... have them, I guess, in that intimate and emotional way. If you look around AVEN and see people who've never experienced sexual attraction talking about it, you'll see they reckon it's something along the lines of "wanting to fuck someone based purely on physical attributes". This simply isn't true. Sometimes you might see it as something like "the urge to share one's sexuality with another" which is more along the right lines. Sexual people are not rabid animals, it's not uncontrollable nor overpowering or anything like that. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 2, 2016 Share Posted February 2, 2016 And most people have to know someone first before experiencing any of that stuff. Purely physical attraction is far more rare than you'd expect, and if you're throwing in the "and I want to act on it" element, then it's exceedingly normal to not feel interested until you've had some conversations, shared some experiences, etc with a person. Sexual attraction is as much an emotional reaction as romantic attraction, and for most people, they're one in the same. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Tarfeather Posted February 2, 2016 Share Posted February 2, 2016 Purely physical attraction is far more rare than you'd expect, I didn't think I was that rare. :P Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Rising Sun Posted February 2, 2016 Share Posted February 2, 2016 No, your mother sounds "normal". Sexual attraction isn't looking at somebody and thinking "I'd tap that", people don't think like beasts. I've met a few like that... College students, I suppose ? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 2, 2016 Share Posted February 2, 2016 Purely physical attraction is far more rare than you'd expect,I didn't think I was that rare. :P You're still young :P It wouldn't surprise me if it were more common for men. In any case, I assume you wouldn't actually want to stop and bang a stranger in the nearest bathroom just because you thought they were attractive, and by and large, conscious desire is rolled into attraction around here. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted February 2, 2016 Share Posted February 2, 2016 My understanding of demisexuality is that it's entirely focussed on someone you've become close to without sex ever entering your head, then at some point you want to have sex with them because you have that closeness. Sexuals on the other hand would get to know someone with the potential from the start that sex might be part of the relationship. And then it becomes more and more desirable you get to know them better. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Tarfeather Posted February 2, 2016 Share Posted February 2, 2016 It wouldn't surprise me if it were more common for men. In any case, I assume you wouldn't actually want to stop and bang a stranger in the nearest bathroom just because you thought they were attractive, and by and large, conscious desire is rolled into attraction around here. Yeah, when I do feel attracted to someone, I'm more interested in the sensual stuff. The thought of sex only enters my mind when I'm very aroused, because frankly sticking my penis in things sounds like a pretty icky thought in a non-aroused state, and I'm betting that's the way a lot of sexuals feel. And the asexuals here don't seem seem to understand this about us, probably because so many people *pretend* they like sex all the time, when really they just like the idea of sex. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 2, 2016 Share Posted February 2, 2016 Yes!! This is what I'm always trying to explain!! First you like them and want to get to know them. And then you get the tinglies and goofiness and that makes you want to touch them... like a brush of the hand, prolonged eye contact, etc... that's the point where I generally start feeling the stuff that AVEN would call attraction (I call all that preceding stuff attraction too)... then I want to touch and kiss and, like Dissolved said, at some point the whole thing takes an overt sexual nature and you want to, ya know... have the sex. Of course, once a person has engaged in that dance many times, some classical conditioning comes into play, and the brain re-routes to sex sooner and sooner because it figures out that's where it's going to end up, so, at least in my experience, feeling, desiring, and acting on attraction becomes easier over time. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted February 2, 2016 Share Posted February 2, 2016 This. Plus, at those early stages, it's more like you wouldn't rule out having sex with particular people, if all the other stuff works out as you get to know them better. Potential sex has actually occurred to you though, which is different from demisexuality. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Lord Jade Cross Posted February 2, 2016 Share Posted February 2, 2016 Yes!! This is what I'm always trying to explain!! First you like them and want to get to know them. And then you get the tinglies and goofiness and that makes you want to touch them... like a brush of the hand, prolonged eye contact, etc... that's the point where I generally start feeling the stuff that AVEN would call attraction (I call all that preceding stuff attraction too)... then I want to touch and kiss and, like Dissolved said, at some point the whole thing takes an overt sexual nature and you want to, ya know... have the sex. Of course, once a person has engaged in that dance many times, some classical conditioning comes into play, and the brain re-routes to sex sooner and sooner because it figures out that's where it's going to end up, so, at least in my experience, feeling, desiring, and acting on attraction becomes easier over time. But the thing is that this is not what is generally potrayed. I think that in the same way as asexuality is explained to raise awareness, there needs to be a more grounded and thorough understanding of sexuality. I believe it would dissolve many misunderstandings Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 2, 2016 Share Posted February 2, 2016 Absolutely! Real sex ed (not how you get pregnant, but what dating and sex is actually like) used to exist... and now it doesn't. And that sucks. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
nanogretchen4 Posted February 2, 2016 Share Posted February 2, 2016 It existed? Not in Texas. Where did you take sex ed? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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