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How do I bring this up to my wife?


Pineapplering

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Pineapplering

Hello,

I'm a sexual male who has been married for 3 years to my wife whom I have been friends with for over 14 years. I married her because we were happy being and were good at bringing out the best in each other. When we dated for about 3 years, we had sex several times, mostly in the last year of our relationship. Then our sex life ended. We have had sex 4 times in these past 3 years, 0 times in 2015, and each time more depressing then the previous. Usually it is initiated with "can you be quick" and ends with her pulling out her phone and reading something online. I thought that she was just wasn't attracted to me anymore or maybe had no libido. I found out about a year ago that she was most likely asexual when we tried to talk about it and she explained that she didn't understand the idea of people being "sexy" and that she didn't understand why people find sex so important in their relationships. She also informed me that she wouldn't have had sex with me when we were dating if I hadn't made it seem important. I feel a little relieved that her aversion to sex (hopefully) isn't me being completely undesirable, but I also feel a bit hurt that she never disclosed this important piece of information with me when we were looking to get married. Now she has decided that she is completely against having children, too, and I have become worried as to where my future is now heading. I can't see an open marriage ever being an option, since her self esteem is not great and she has a tendency to be jealous/hold grudges. It's been a tough month coming to terms with the idea that I likely won't ever have sex again nor will I become a father.

She is very uncomfortable talking with me about anything to do with sex, but im becoming more depressed and anxious by the day and it has been eating at me for a while now. I haven't been able to tell her everything I've been feeling related to this, and I can see it getting her defensive and angry if I don't approach it very carefully. Is there ANY advice that anyone has for me about how to talk about my concerns with her in a way that doesn't come across as me being upset or attacking her in any way? I feel like I am walking on eggshells here and just really don't know how to proceed.

Thanks everyone, this site is a great resource for anyone with questions about asexuality.

Sorry about the REAAAAALLY long post.

TL;DR- how do I, sexual husband, express my concerns about our future relationship with my now realized asexual wife?

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(Your post isn't long at all. Oy, people don't read these days; no surprise they'd think that's long. -_- )

"Having children" as in bearing them or having them as a whole (i.e. adoption or getting a surrogate mother are completely valid options).

Besides the child part, can you actually continue to be in a sexless relationship? Clinical depression is a common reaction to an asexual partner. Some people can get over it and others can't. Remember that the point of a relationship is to be healthy; mentally and physically, and don't forget what that kind of healthy relationship actually looks like. If you can't come to a comfortable compromise then the only option is to end it. The only compromise options are 1) become ok with a sexless relationship; having no sex can be better than not having enough for some people, 2) become ok with the amount of sex she's comfortable with providing, or 3) an open relationship or polyamorous relationship (two different things). From what you said, i think the last two are crossed off.

(this is directed at her:) Personally, if you can't communicate with your partner then you have no business being with them. Communication is key in every functional relationship. Avoiding things isn't going to help anything; this isn't a "it'll go away with time" matter and needs to be addressed.

This may make her uncomfortable, but it's something she's just going to have to tolerate for the duration of the conversation because this discussion is needed. I don't see why she would feel defensive and angry; when feeling negatively most asexual partners feel disgrace. Unless she's the compensative type, then disgrace would still be accurate; it makes her compensatively attack you (i.e. I'm feeling weak, I'm going to counteract that by attacking you and empowering myself). In that case, there really isn't much you can do; even wording things nicely is still going to make her feel like she's the one who's broken; you just have to try to word things as soft as possible and get through the needed conversation while trying to keep your cool. For me, knowing someone is acting compensatively helps me keep calm while in a disagreement with them. If you can't get significantly through the conversation then the only option would be a couples psychologist. If not a solo psychologist for her.

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I'm the sexual husband of a functionally asexual wife. She hasn't identified as such, but if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck... And she's said many of the things asexuals say. She was dismissive of talking about it to start with, but I forced the issue (of at least talking) in terms of our respective happinesses and she was open to dealing with the issue in that way. She was (amongst other things) situationally depressed, and by focussing on that we've slowly (over a year or so) worked to a point where we have sex about once a month, for my benefit. She's not repulsed and it doesn't hurt, and she always initiates.

For a full-strength sexual, it feels decaffeinated - she has no innate desire - but it is done out of love. It's quick, and very, very vanilla, but that's about as good as it's going to get for us.

Really it all comes down to what she feels able to do. But for me, the first step was making it not about sex but the relationship more widely, and feeling that insisting that my needs were addressed as much as hers was perfectly reasonable. Okay, she found it distressing however delicately I took it, but I was in distress too and these things have to be discussed.

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Sexual orientations aren't ducks, though. :3

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I also feel a bit hurt that she never disclosed this important piece of information with me when we were looking to get married.

She's in denial so obviously won't tell you nor talk about it.

I don't see why you're hurt, when you could instead blame yourself. Having sex only several times in 3 years before marriage didn't rang any bells? Several times is what sexuals in a new relationship often have in 1 week. I know my female friends better than many people know their future wives, it's ridiculous. People are deciding to spend next several decades with someone and have no interest in knowing that person.

As for advice on talking to your wife, there is only one thing I can think of that will work: ultimatums and criteria. It's very simple. Otherwise she will get everything she wants and you'll get nothing you want, and you will be miserable.

The problem is that you're already on defensive; you're careful not to upset her, not to sound like attacking her.. all of which indicates that communication between you and your wife is unhealthy or non-existing. Sex is also non-existing. You mentioned no-kids as well. I don't know what holds your marriage together but unless you intend to be miserable for the rest of your life consider ultimatums/divorce approach. She told you that you have to make it seem important. She's now feeling safe and secure inside marriage and doesn't feel like she needs to bother. Well, threatening with divorce is your best chance. That will undermine her feeling of security.

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^ Very much agree.

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As for advice on talking to your wife, there is only one thing I can think of that will work: ultimatums and criteria. It's very simple. Otherwise she will get everything she wants and you'll get nothing you want, and you will be miserable.

The problem is that you're already on defensive; you're careful not to upset her, not to sound like attacking her.. all of which indicates that communication between you and your wife is unhealthy or non-existing. Sex is also non-existing. You mentioned no-kids as well. I don't know what holds your marriage together but unless you intend to be miserable for the rest of your life consider ultimatums/divorce approach. She told you that you have to make it seem important. She's now feeling safe and secure inside marriage and doesn't feel like she needs to bother. Well, threatening with divorce is your best chance. That will undermine her feeling of security.

That sounds a bit too much like emotional blackmail for my comfort. That is not to say that she behaved entirely responsible though talking about the possibility of children should be essential before marriage.

Should you feel miserable in your marriage just for your wifes benefit ? Definitely no. But maybe ask her how she felt about the sex earlier in your relationship. Maybe her attitude towards sex changed ? Maybe she needs more sensory stimuli to also gain something from it ?

Just...try to take a breath and remember that neither you are undesirable nor did she choose to be this way. If I felt my sense of security threatened I'd be even more guarded. But you know your wife best.

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I think you're reading their post as "she feels secure in the relationship's current situation so you need to make her feel insecure."

Where as what they're really saying is that she isn't taking the situation seriously and needs something to slap her out of that daydream. With people who refuse to move, you sometimes then need to give them motivation to move. That is not emotional blackmail.

Maybe the OP should have his wife view AVEN so she feels less insecure about her orientation.

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Ok, I agree. That is probably the best way to go about it. I hope you already had success in talking to your wife.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I've been married for almost seven years (next month!) and I just realized my possible asexual status in December 2015. I absolutely would have brought this up to my husband before we got married if I had known, but well, sometimes you just don't know these things until you figure it out for yourself. We've decided that we'll find a therapist we can talk to about this, which is what I would suggest for you and your wife. Hopefully, if she really loves you and wants to figure out what's best for your needs AND for hers, she will be willing to do this. It's terrifying, but has to be done for your marriage and relationship.

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