Telecaster68 Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 There's a difference between dependency and understanding relationships carry obligations. Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbow~Sprinkles Posted February 5, 2016 Author Share Posted February 5, 2016 I am pretty sure he meant it because the general theme shared by many here is "only do what you want, neglect the partner in everything else because you have no obligation". To which my advice to the neglected side is: divorce/breakup and let the selfish person live alone with 30 cats. My interpretation of what people are trying to say is to not overcompromise and do what is comfortable for you. If you cannot do what the other person wants or needs because your not ready to or don't feel comfortable yet, than the ball is in their court as to what they do about it. In my example, I'm not comfortable with physical intimacy early in the relationship. In the past I have allowed my partner to touch me when I wasn't comfortable and it caused me distress which I felt I had to hide from them and just deal with it. What I could have done instead was just explain to my partner that I wasn't comfortable with touching yet and offer anything that I am comfortable with. My partner then has to decide if they can live with that, for now, until I become more comfortable or whether its a deal breaker for them. Some people would be okay to wait for the other person to feel comfortable with no expectation that the person ever will or that they should compromise. Other people who are missing on something they really need because their partner isn't comfortable will decide that the relationship won't work for them and leave. Link to post Share on other sites
Starlit Sky Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 I'm glad that you're getting all of this! :D That is definitely a good conclusion to come to, and I know thats what I've been driving at. Pretty sure that's what Tarfeather was saying, too. I honestly don't think that the Stranger's going to agree with anything we say on the matter though, at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
Velma Posted February 6, 2016 Share Posted February 6, 2016 I looked over several tarfeathers posts and he seems genuinely fond of his girlfriend. He's not exactly cuddly--well not cuddly at all.. But there's no way I'd read selfish bastard into it. I think accusing someone of abusing their real life partner is just about rock bottom. And basically the behavior the stranger was talking about was an accusation of pretty harsh emotional abuse. I also looked at tarfeathers general posts and he's not really deliberately nasty. He's just unapologetically blunt and that can come across really bad if you don't know what to expect. I think his intentions are pretty good. I should probably get around to apologizing or something. Basically it seems that if you have a super thick skin, he's not that bad. Anyhow, I should have known something was up when he was all snarky about mystic insanicus saying this stuff. Maybe I haven't spent enough time reading their old posts, but insanicus has never given off any sort of selfish bastard vibe at all. Like not even close. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 6, 2016 Share Posted February 6, 2016 Anyhow, I should have known something was up when he was all snarky about mystic insanicus saying this stuff. Maybe I haven't spent enough time reading their old posts, but insanicus has never given off any sort of selfish bastard vibe at all. Like not even close. That's really not how my user name is spelled, but thank you nonetheless. ^_^ Link to post Share on other sites
Velma Posted February 6, 2016 Share Posted February 6, 2016 Haha! I think that was part auto correct/part me trying to fix auto correct. My autocorrect tried to turn me into an atheist the other day. It hates me. You you're not sick anymore? Or are you the typo devil and appear whenever your name is garbled? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 6, 2016 Share Posted February 6, 2016 Haha! I think that was part auto correct/part me trying to fix auto correct. My autocorrect tried to turn me into an atheist the other day. It hates me. You you're not sick anymore? Or are you the typo devil and appear whenever your name is garbled? The latter. :p Had to immediately answer that with a short post of half complaint and half gratitude despite my head still hurting and feeling woozy. Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted February 6, 2016 Share Posted February 6, 2016 Anyhow, I should have known something was up when he was all snarky about mystic insanicus saying this stuff. Maybe I haven't spent enough time reading their old posts, but insanicus has never given off any sort of selfish bastard vibe at all. Like not even close. That's really not how my user name is spelled, but thank you nonetheless. ^_^ Ha! It is now, oh Mystic! Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted February 6, 2016 Share Posted February 6, 2016 Just to be clear... I'm not saying Mysticus is selfish, just that his version of acceptable behaviour in relationships seems so extremely unselfish that the concept of 'relationship' ceases to be meaningful to me. You'd either have to detach almost entirely from it being a relationship, or lose yourself entirely in it to make it work, and neither of those seem like a good idea to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 6, 2016 Share Posted February 6, 2016 Ha! It is now, oh Mystic! Don't make me start calling you Lassy! :P Link to post Share on other sites
Member54880 Posted February 6, 2016 Share Posted February 6, 2016 If there are any obligations, they should be mutual respect, and respect for individual boundaries and within the relationship (i.e: no cheating, however that is defined). These aren't limited to any one type of committed relationship. I'd like to think these fall under basic human decency.But the relationship can't just purely be obligation, because that will lead to doing things one hates for their partner, or staying in a strained relationship purely because they feel obligated to, which will lead to resentment. That's an issue that gets worse the longer it goes on. While someone should be supportive towards their partner in their partner's time of need, any individual is still responsible for their own emotions, and their own happiness, and it's not their partner's obligation to "save" them, and individuals should have still have their own lives.In regards to finding a middle ground, it requires a lot of honest conversation about each other's wants, needs and limits, to answer questions like: What are things that everyone involved are sincerely okay with, without feeling like they have to force themselves to endure it, nor feel like they have to hide their discomfort just to please their partner(s)? Are there any deal-breakers, and can they be reconciled? Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted February 6, 2016 Share Posted February 6, 2016 obligations Again, 'expectations' aren't 'obligations'. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 6, 2016 Share Posted February 6, 2016 obligations Again, 'expectations' aren't 'obligations'. Dude... There's a difference between dependency and understanding relationships carry obligations. Stop contradicting yourself and/or moving the goalposts. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted February 6, 2016 Share Posted February 6, 2016 Is there any way you can stop yourself going straight into abuse at the sight of a post from me, and engaging with the point instead? Link to post Share on other sites
Tarfeather Posted February 6, 2016 Share Posted February 6, 2016 Have to agree with Mysti here. If your expectations are any more than "Well, I expected this to happen, but it didn't happen, so now I need to figure out where I went wrong", that is if you don't deal with the result of disappointment by yourself, then yes, that sounds like obligations to me. Not that obligations are necessarily wrong by definition, it's just a weird thing to put on someone you supposedly love. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 6, 2016 Share Posted February 6, 2016 I am engaging the point. The point is you very obviously contradict yourself - your last post is utterly meaningless in sight of the one you posted just a day before, "correcting a mistake" you, yourself, introduced, but trying to blame it on someone else (aqua, this time) instead of owning up to that it is 100% entirely your own fault. If you consider pointing that out "going straight into abuse", then there is really no point in trying to reason with you. You're either not able or not willing to discuss things in a rational way and behave like a responsible, adult person. I'm hereby giving you the chance to admit that you're wrong, and apologize. If not, this is the last time ever I will bother replying to any post you made. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted February 6, 2016 Share Posted February 6, 2016 Aha. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucinda Posted February 6, 2016 Share Posted February 6, 2016 Going straight into abuse?? Lucinda Link to post Share on other sites
Velma Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 I didn't realize this thread went on for a few days later. But this is what I like about Mysticus insanosaurus Rex. There's a minefielfd of junk to get mad about here and they just stroll through casually without stepping on one or even worrying about it. Rico Suave. Edited : Hahahs! I just watched this. As a kid, I just noticed "don't judge a book by its cover" and how he was just proud to be himself stuff. It's a sleazy song.! But it makes me laugh, so it stays. Just appreciate the cheesiness. Link to post Share on other sites
Tarfeather Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 - wrong thread - Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 I'm going to avoid the argument and respond to the OP The thing would be to explain how you feel, that it isn't that you don't like them and ask them for patience. Some people will be OK with it, some will not. My ex, we were friends and more online before we met IRL. When we did meet IRL, I found I was very reluctant to be physical with him. Not because I didn't like him, but because I needed time to get comfortable. He on the other hand wanted to jump right to physical, he was totally comfortable with it. First day we met, I was so shy and nervous I could hardly say a word to him. At the end of the day, I felt so bad that I couldn't do more I ended up sitting on the floor outside the bedroom I was staying in (mentally) beating myself up about not being able to just be normal and jump right in like I should have. But... instead of being angry with me, he came out of his room and saw me sitting there and asked me to come to his room with him. And instead of pushing, he sat me on the chair opposite him and gently and slowly moved to kiss me, giving me plenty of time to back off. I didn't and it was nice. After that, I was still struggling to do certain things he wanted and he explained he thought I didn't like him, that was the only thing bothering him. Just explaining I needed more time was enough. He was patient and sweet and if I wasn't OK doing something, he didn't push and said to let him know when I was ready. The huge thing is physical affection is considered the way you express your interest in someone. Without it, they often feel you aren't interested in them the same way. If you need more time to hold someones hand, just make sure you explain it to them. Being slower or more old fashioned isn't bad, it's just different. And without explanation might give the wrong message. Ways to show affection WITHOUT physical stuff is things like: My cousin is a bit touch averse. He's sexual and all, he just has issues with touch. It's not something he decides to do lightly. He can't even handle getting a massage from his wife. So, to show his love for her, he does things like leave little post-it notes around the house with sweet messages. Texts for no reason. That sort of thing instead of the kisses/hugs a lot of people would do. One of the things I consider super sweet is just little signs the person is thinking of me. One year my now-separated spouse had no money on a special occasion. So, he bought one of those little pieces of foam decorated like a wrapped present they sell in dollar stores, just to show he didn't forget. Or, he would send me adorable animal pictures from work, to show he was thinking of me. Pretty much anything to show "you are special to me, I really like you", so they don't feel that the lack of physical affection is anything wrong. Now... the sexual mismatches are harder to deal with. And that is a might work, might not, it really just depends on if middle ground where both are happy can happen. But, just needing time before you're comfortable with PDA and stuff... not THAT odd and there are ways to make it work, if the person is OK with it taking some time. :) Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 But this is what I like about Mysticus insanosaurus Rex. That sounds like the offspring of me and PanFicto. And while I do like Ficto a lot, that's not gonna happen. :lol: :lol: :lol: Link to post Share on other sites
Tarfeather Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 The trolls in this community lately are cracking me up. :D Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 But this is what I like about Mysticus insanosaurus Rex. That sounds like the offspring of me and PanFicto. And while I do like Ficto a lot, that's not gonna happen. :lol: :lol: :lol: Perhaps if we splice your DNA together in a lab to get the perfect combination of blunt and wordy? :lol: Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 But this is what I like about Mysticus insanosaurus Rex. That sounds like the offspring of me and PanFicto. And while I do like Ficto a lot, that's not gonna happen. :lol: :lol: :lol: Perhaps if we splice your DNA together in a lab to get the perfect combination of blunt and wordy? :lol: Certainly a preferrable method of creating offspring than the, uh, traditional one. But I think I'll still pass. :p Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 I, on the other hand, would be very fond of this person-melding creation... Link to post Share on other sites
Tarfeather Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 *shudders* Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.