What are the most frustrating questions people ask

[GuardianFlame]

What are the most frustrating questions people ask when they find out your are Asexual Aro or other?

The one big one i always get is "How are you going to have a relationship without sex? The only difference between a friendship and romantic relationship is the physical component like sex"

I always get a little frustrated explaining you can still be in a romantic relationship without sex or physical contact like kissing.

[UncommonNonsense]

The assumption that all aces/aros had to have been sexually abused as kids...

Yeah, I was... but I was ace before I was sexually assaulted. And really, I don't go asking people whether or not *they* were sexually attacked as kids! Why would anyone think that this is ok to do to me/us? Not cool, people. Just not cool!

[Ace of Amethysts]

Let`s see... the fact that so few people outside of a few spaces accept aromanticism or even know it exists.

[Angel1996]

I haven't told many people that I'm Aro/Ace, but when I do thy usually ask something like:

How do you know that you just haven't met the right person yet? and then say that I'm still young and shouldn't jump to conclusions.

Haven't found a good comeback for that yet :D

[One Winged Angel]

I have spoken to very few people about Asexuality outside of this site, but the most common response is to simply misunderstand (or perhaps ignore), the entire concept. "Ah don't worry, someone will come along one day", is a response I once got, even though I never insinuated any sort of worry, and never said I wanted anyone to come along in the first place.

One which gets me, though it has not personally happened to me, is "you haven't met the right person yet", which makes multiple assumptions in a single sentence. Firstly, it assumes that the Asexual has looked but not found the 'right person'. It then assumes that they are open to finding said person, that the person WILL come along with absolute certainty, and it simply hasn't happened 'yet' (but will in the future)

The 'yet' thing is a major bugbear of mine. It invalidates your current environment in favour of some of future when the things they see as essential have happened. It also makes the further assumption that you are somehow on a quest to complete a task. "Haven't you put the dinner on yet?" is a perfectly valid exclamation, "haven't you lost your virginity yet?" is not.

[Guest]

Moved from Asexual Q&A to Asexual Musings and Rantings.

Nai

Asexual Q&A Co-Moderator

[deleted7]

My (least) favorite so far, when I came out as aro, was, "So you just want to be alone?" Because, you know, the only relationship that counts is a romantic one.

Also, "but you liked _____ film/book/show, right? That had romance in it!"

[Anthracite_Impreza]

"How do you know unless you try it?"

Oh I don't know, the same way I know I don't want to stab a fork in my eye?!

[Rising Sun]

The one big one i always get is "How are you going to have a relationship without sex? The only difference between a friendship and romantic relationship is the physical component like sex"

So for them, romance is nothing more than friendship + sex ? If they think it's really the case, you may have found aromantic sexual persons. It seems like they aren't rare at all.

[Telecaster68]

So for them, romance is nothing more than friendship + sex ?

For most sexuals, it goes like this: the exclusivity and intensity of romantic feelings are most naturally expressed in sex. From that perspective, if there's no desire for sex, it must be because there's no feelings of exclusivity or intensity, so it's not romantic.

On the one hand, sexuals aren't understanding that sex doesn't work like that for asexuals, and on the other, concluding that romance equals friendship plus sex is based on not understanding how sex works for sexuals.

[Starlit Sky]

Not so much a question, but I hate it when guys assume that I must not be asexual because I'm so touchy-touchy. For example:

"Sure, we can cuddle if you want! Your asexual theory is going to fly out the window when we do, though. We all know where cuddling ends up!"

This is extremely hurtful for me, though I know that they don't mean it like that. To be honest I like to think that I'm (usually) pretty good about understanding allosexuals' needs regarding sex, and I even like talking about sex every now and then (I find it interesting; sue me!), but this . . . I don't understand. I am definitely missing something here. Do most couples only cuddle when getting ready to have sex? I do know that cuddling(/foreplay) usually does happen before sex, but the above statement makes it sound like it wouldn't happen otherwise. I find that sad. Not in some weird "I-pity-them" way, but because it, even more than sex, is the biggest thing that makes me pessimistic towards the idea of being in a relationship with a sexual.

[Telecaster68]

Do most couples only cuddle when getting ready to have sex?

Some do, I think. From reading various other relationshippy forums, I think there's a fair number of men who only cuddle when they're horny, and I can see how that would piss off their partners. It would piss me off too, but ultimately it's most likely because they're just bad at communicating their emotions. On the other hand, cuddles can start off as cuddles and the physical closeness will get sexual people turned on (and since women tend to be more reactive in their desire, it probably happens more with women) and cuddles gradually escalate to more. When your partner's asexual, and sex most often starts via the cuddling route, the whole cuddling thing gets very difficult to read.

[Telecaster68]

A patronising doctor? I'm shocked... shocked... ;)

[Skycaptain]

They're not all that bad. When the endocrinologist suggested I take testosterone supplementation I said there's no point I don't need an increased libido when I'm asexual, and he said fair enough then

Annoying questions. Are you gay then? Are you really still a virgin?

[Starlit Sky]

Do most couples only cuddle when getting ready to have sex?

Some do, I think. From reading various other relationshippy forums, I think there's a fair number of men who only cuddle when they're horny, and I can see how that would piss off their partners. It would piss me off too, but ultimately it's most likely because they're just bad at communicating their emotions. On the other hand, cuddles can start off as cuddles and the physical closeness will get sexual people turned on (and since women tend to be more reactive in their desire, it probably happens more with women) and cuddles gradually escalate to more. When your partner's asexual, and sex most often starts via the cuddling route, the whole cuddling thing gets very difficult to read.

Oh yeah, I've heard of some stories where the sexual partner would be confused, or feel neglected, when the asexual partner wouldn't want sex after cuddling (and the asexual partner would often be confused as to why the other would want sex in the first place). When you put it like that, in terms of physical closeness, that makes sense. There are certain ways and places I can be touched that can often trigger arousal (and I don't mean the body-only kind), so I think I can relate to that.

A little while back, when I first started realizing that not everyone thinks of cuddles in the same way that I do (whoops), and I got the idea that it mostly happens before, or perhaps after, sex, I went through a "maybe it's better not to touch at all" phase. That didn't last very long because, really, I think it's worse for everybody (or, I know it is for me) if there's no physical contact at all. For me personally, what would be the point of being in a relationship if you can't show physical affection?

Anyway, thank you a ton for answering that! That actually makes me feel a bit better about it, so thank you. :3

[Telecaster68]

"it's worse for everybody (or, I know it is for me) if there's no physical contact at all."

I agree completely. There's lots of research on how much humans need it. The one I always remember was with orphan babies who'd had no physical affection. They chose cuddles over food.

"For me personally, what would be the point of being in a relationship if you can't show physical affection?"

That's exactly the how sexuals think about sex in a relationship, generally. And I should think for the same reasons. Sex is just the next gear up of physical affection.

[Starlit Sky]

Oh yeah, I think I've heard of that one before! Touch is so important. Some people don't need it quite as much as others, or even average, but physically we need positive touch in some way or another. I'm tired I'm sorry I don't think that made grammatical sense.

I feel like if I was hetero (or homo, or bi, or pan, or whatever) then I wouldn't want to be in a sexless relationship. Being able to talk about turn-ons every blue moon without feeling completely pressured/like a bad person for not wanting to drop my pants right then is very important to me now, to the point where I almost feel like it's a necessity, so I'm sure that sex would be needed for me if I wasn't asexual. I could be wrong though, and it might depend on what kind of compromises the other person would be okay with.

[Lord Jade Cross]

I dont openly say Im ace but just the same, some of the most annoying/frustrating questions are "But youve had girlfriends...right?" To which honestly I just say "Yea, things just didnt work out" or when the giys ask how many Ive had recently, I respond with "gotta keep that confidential"

[SquidKen]

That stupid 'so you're a plant?' thing. The worst is being told I'll be alone forever. Or the assumption that I can be 'fixed'. The most hurtful was this conversation:

Me: 'explains where I think I belong' -and I joined AVEN and the conversations and everything makes me feel better because I'm not alone.

Him: Do they have any advice?

Me: -has lots of issues- On what in particular?

Him: On having sex, getting over the disgust and anxiety so you can have sex.

......I don't want sex and I'm not broken. I didn't join here to 'overcome' asexuality, I joined because I didn't know asexuality was a thing before this, and I'm happy knowing I'm not alone.

-rubs eyes muttering about onions-

[Starlit Sky]

I find it very disturbing when people say something like, "I hope you weren't sexually abused as a child, I know that can make some people not desire sex." I mean . . . why . . . why does all of your tact fly out the window. . . . I understand that they don't think of it as extremely forward, but that doesn't mean it's not an awful thing to hear or say.

[SquidKen]

I find it very disturbing when people say something like, "I hope you weren't sexually abused as a child, I know that can make some people not desire sex." I mean . . . why . . . why does all of your tact fly out the window. . . . I understand that they don't think of it as extremely forward, but that doesn't mean it's not an awful thing to hear or say.

Especially to those who may have been. It's definitely an awful thing to say, I agree. I've only been asked to a lesser degree by a coworker 'Is there a reason for that? Nothing that happened is your fault'. It's less aggressive, more apologetic, but I think still to much implies to much. What may or may not have happened to anyone is personal, and those kinds of statements just ask/imply way too much about someone's life.

[Skipper Valvoline]

I was sick, and trudging upstairs with my cat following me all spry and healthy. "Watch, this will be me in 70 years"- laughed at my own joke.

Told it to someone else. "Oh no, don't say that!"

Like that's a bad thing????????? <_<

[The Emerald]

Ah, the good old "you haven't found the right one" comes to mind.

I contradict with; "There are 7 million or more people in the world. How can I find "the right one" out of a million? It's like looking for a needle in a haystack."

That usually shuts them up ;)

[Skycaptain]

Telecaster68 not all humans like being touched. I hate it, and I know others who are the same. This whole hugs and cuddles thing literally feels alien to me

[Telecaster68]

Fair enough. 'Most' people then?

[Lennie]

"How do you know unless you try it?"

Oh I don't know, the same way I know I don't want to stab a fork in my eye?!

When you do try it, they'll say it clearly wasn't good sex and you should try it again.

[UncommonNonsense]

How about "Is that some freaky thing you found on the Internet?" when you try to tell them about asexuality.

Geez! For most of us, having been recipients of less-than-comprehensive sex ed in school, the Internet may be the only way we have of ever finding out that there's a term for what we are and that we're not alone. And yet this also becomes a reason to invalidate us? What the hell??

[Guest]

"How do you know unless you try it?"

Oh I don't know, the same way I know I don't want to stab a fork in my eye?!

When you do try it, they'll say it clearly wasn't good sex and you should try it again.

I always find that unfair to whoever you had sex with. First of all, it's not their job to "convert" you. Secondly, if you don't like something it doesn't matter how good it is, you're still not going to like it.