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Asexual dating Sexual


BMax

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I think I sit a little more in the grey-a area but we'll say asexual. Also hey, I'm new!

I'm aware my boyfriend checks out other ladies and watches porn - and I thought, usually I'd be okay with this. I'm okay with this about my friends, why not him too? But I don't feel okay with it, however I don't want him to change what he does. It's put the worry in my mind that we shouldn't be together because it might be something I can't stop thinking about.

Is there anyone out there who's had similar experiences?

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I'm new too!! Looking back at my previous relationship, his interest in sexual things really bothered me. I am also sort of in the grey area where I wouldn't mind dating a sexually driven person but porn really bothers me as well. Needless to say not all sexual people are interested in porn but my dude was. and it pissed me off because I knew he was watching it behind my back and that made my physicality feel less wanted. Every relationship is different but you just have to be careful. Before I even knew if I was Asexual I convinced myself it was ok to try sex with him, and we didn't go all the way but justifying intimacy for love for him was uncomfortable in relation to who I really am.

Above all, you cannot change a person. If he is free spirited with watching porn and he's ok with it, there's really nothing you can do.

It is not my place to tell you what to do. But just from what I experienced it is important to have open communication about things. Perhaps mention that you don't FEEL ok with it but you still accept him as a human being and you understand if he likes those things.

In my situation we ended breaking up-twice. I had my reasons and he had his. But if you truly love your boyfriend you will work through your differences together and hopefully you can feel unjudged and accepted by your beloved! At the same time, if your heart and mind are fighting back and forth on logic over emotion, sometimes it's best to listen to the logic. It's hard, but it's ok either way. People react to different things in relationships but don't be afraid to express yourself!

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Sexual and asexual people have this problem. You either get over it or get used to alot of break ups/ end up finding a rarity.

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I guess try to reason out why you feel uncomfortable with just him? It makes sense if you feel because you're in a relationship with him and he should be checking you out instead of other women. (And you wouldn't have this problem with friends because you're not in a relationship with them.)

Sometimes it bothers me that my boyfriend does this too, but I just accepted that he is a sexual person, and thus he is going to find other women attractive besides me. I also talked it out with him, and it helped me to reach a conclusion - yes, he does look at porn and maybe comment that other women are sexy, but in the end, he's always attracted to me and he prefers me over anyone else.

That helped me feel easier about it.

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So what the problem is? It is totally normal if a person has sexual needs. Let's say your partner is like that and you are not giving him this. What choice does he have then? He can watch porn, fulfill his needs with other people or sit and suffer because you are concerned about him watching porn.
Some people in these cases feel like their partner doesn't find them attractive and doesn't want them. But look at it other way, you are asexual, you don't need anyone to be attracted to you.

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I think I sit a little more in the grey-a area but we'll say asexual. Also hey, I'm new!

I'm aware my boyfriend checks out other ladies and watches porn - and I thought, usually I'd be okay with this. I'm okay with this about my friends, why not him too? But I don't feel okay with it, however I don't want him to change what he does. It's put the worry in my mind that we shouldn't be together because it might be something I can't stop thinking about.

Is there anyone out there who's had similar experiences?

It is perfectly okay for you to be upset that your boyfriend watches porn. Many people are upset by this, and some feel that it is cheating. You are not wrong to feel the way you do.

Now, I'll say this: most guys are going to check out other women. It doesn't necessarily mean anything at all, and it doesn't make them terrible boyfriends/fiances/husbands/whatever. To be honest . . . there's not a whole lot that I can help you with on this subject, except to tell you that in order to be okay with it you are going to have to accept that this is natural (on the other hand, if he starts flirting with other women and you are not okay with that, then that is NOT okay).

Is the reason you don't want him to change because you are afraid that if you ask him to change something he does, or complain about anything that he does, he will be angry and annoyed? Is it because you feel that no one wants to change for the people that they love? Is it because you feel like you would be "too much work," or perhaps that you would feel you'd be too dramatic? The thing is . . . it is perfectly okay, and even encouraged, for you to share your insecurities and frustrations with your boyfriend. The trick is to make sure that you don't do this in a way that blames him for everything. A good guy is going to want to make you happy, and a good guy isn't going to want you to bend yourself into a pretzel to fit his needs (which is what you're doing now, by keeping silent on this issue). Talk to him nicely about it. Don't try to convince him that it's wrong or that he shouldn't do it, and don't tell him it's either you or the porn--just tell him that it hurts you and bothers you, and see if the two of you can work on some sort of compromise.

Honestly, I'm not sure how this would go down. I've never had a problem with people watching porn, regardless of whether or not they're "just friends" or something more. Again, that doesn't mean that you are wrong to feel the way you do! It just means that, well, a lot of people like porn, and most people watch it, and the situation is a tough one because the two of you are likely not having a great deal of sex--and that isn't your fault, so don't try to think it is.

Again, just talk to him about it. See where it gets the two of you. If it's somewhere good then excellent, and if it's somewhere not so good then, hey, there are plenty of people out there.

But look at it other way, you are asexual, you don't need anyone to be attracted to you.

Define "attraction" ^_^ I--and just about every other asexual, I'm sure--am as flattered as any sexual person when someone is attracted to me. I don't need it, but that's because I'm confident; it's got nothing to do with being asexual. :) No one should feel that they need people to be attracted to them. . . .

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nanogretchen4

There are two different ways heterosexual men check out other women. The first way is just unconsciously looking at attractive women while they're not really paying attention. The eyes are being operated by the lizard brain while the conscious mind is doing something else. This is involuntary, so just ignore it.

The second way of checking out other women is willful. If your boyfriend is blatantly looking these women up and down and maybe making comments about them, you have cause to complain. It's generally considered rude to do this on a date. It's disrespectful and inconsiderate to you, and it creates an impression that he's likely to cheat.

As for the porn, I would advise a don't ask don't tell policy. You can't stop him from looking at porn on his own time and you shouldn't try. People need a little privacy. On the other hand he doesn't need to rub it in your face. If he agrees not to mention it or leave it lying around in plain sight, could you agree not to go looking for it and not to freak out if you run across it by accident?

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I actually definitely agree with what nanogretchen's saying. I'm not saying that your boyfriend doesn't love you, but I am saying that he, as a sexual, needs some kind of release. This becomes even more important if the two of you aren't having sex. I understand that it's bothering you and I hate that and I still believe that you should talk to him and see what can be done, but a "don't ask, don't tell" kinda thing really is most likely the fairest way to go abut it.

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Speaking as a sexual man, I'd say Nano's right. The casual checking out of other women is involuntary and means nothing at all. We pretty much can't help it any more than breathing - we just notice if a woman's attractive and maybe get drawn to having another look if she is. Most guys do their best to control it, not least because it can make the woman concerned feel awkward, particularly if the context isn't one where they've clearly dressed to be attractive (EG at work... but on a night out a lot of women will dress to look their best, for themselves and for other women, as much as for men). On the other hand some people, male and female do actually like knowing they're being appreciated, as long as it's done respectfully and they have some control over the situation. It's just gratifying, and fun, and neither side has any intention of it going any further. I'd guess most women know men do it, and a lot of women do it too, to men. Some women, regardless of sexuality, don't care, some really don't like it. I really doubt it's particuarly linked to your asexuality.

The more lechy, pervy style is just unpleasant though, and impolite to all concerned.

I--and just about every other asexual, I'm sure--am as flattered as any sexual person when someone is attracted to me.

Personally, I welcome and agree with your sex-positivity (but then I'm sexual...) But there's plenty of threads and posts from asexuals along the lines of 'OMG ewwwwwww people are finding me attractive!! Gross!! I hate being looked at like that'.

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Oh~ I was thinking more along the lines of aesthetic attraction. :D 'Tis why I had the "define attraction" bit! I'm aware that a lot of asexuals don't like to be thought of sexually, but as far as I know there aren't too many who won't be at least somewhat flattered if someone thinks they look nice in a non-sexual way. :)

I can see what they're saying to an extent, though, I guess . . . well, maybe not. I think that practically everyone is going to have someone (sexually) attracted to them. That's just what happens in life. The closest thing I come to being like that is not really considering "hot" and "sexy" and "fine" as compliments. I recognize that they are compliments, but I don't really love to be thought of as hot, sexy, or fine (even if I don't have an actual problem with it, if that makes sense).

Anyway, I'm really very glad that you like my sex-positivity. I feel like it's important to be open sexually, but I understand that not everyone (those who are sex-repulsed, for example) are willing to talk about things like that!

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'Tis why I had the "define attraction" bit! I'm aware that a lot of asexuals don't like to be thought of sexually, but as far as I know there aren't too many who won't be at least somewhat flattered if someone thinks they look nice in a non-sexual way

Oh, I missed that. It's going to be a rare sexual who differentiates aesthetic attraction from sexual attraction though. It's one of the bits of salami-slicing AVEN terminology that doesn't have much to do with sexuals' experience, however much the definition-police would like it to.

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'Tis why I had the "define attraction" bit! I'm aware that a lot of asexuals don't like to be thought of sexually, but as far as I know there aren't too many who won't be at least somewhat flattered if someone thinks they look nice in a non-sexual way

Oh, I missed that. It's going to be a rare sexual who differentiates aesthetic attraction from sexual attraction though. It's one of the bits of salami-slicing AVEN terminology that doesn't have much to do with sexuals' experience, however much the definition-police would like it to.

It's cool! I definitely agree with that though. For the most part, it seems to me like you guys don't really have a need to separate sexual and aesthetic attraction, so I guess--particularly since the original comment was aimed towards a sexual--I should have made myself more clear. :)

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It's put the worry in my mind that we shouldn't be together because it might be something I can't stop thinking about.

To be honest, that sounds like the most reasonable reaction, and would also be my reaction if my partner told me they're not okay with me watching porn / looking at attractive women. Thankfully, every partner I've had understood that primal sexual desires don't have much to do with love.

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