Guest Posted February 1, 2016 Share Posted February 1, 2016 :)I'm new on here yay! Only recently have I discovered that I am Hetero-Romantic Asexual. Female. I was in a relationship with my coworker, perhaps a total of maybe 3 months. It was off and on. And when we first started liking each other we emphasized a basis of humor and communication. But the very thing in fact we lacked was communication. It became clear to me that he was definitely interested in sex. And he didn't directly say he was but it was obvious in his suttle hints at what he really wanted. We went to the candy store with him and his friends, he saw a sex game checklist and mentioned "when I'm married this will happen all the time. I need to buy all of these." He didn't buy any but it made me really uncomfortable that he even thought about it. We also went in to Spencer's. Spencer's has an erotic section in the back with sex toys and it made me so uncomfortable that I had to walk all the way back to the front of the store while my ex and his friends enjoyed looking at sexual objects. Even seeing him stare at Victoria's secret while we walked by made me super uncomfortable. I feel like I'm saying too much but there was just so many things that contradicted who I was as a person that I didn't realize. We frequently went to his friend's house and slept on the floor together cuddling, but he also had to be tipsy in order to tell me how he really felt. And soon after his brain drowned in the dullness of alcohol he said, "We can just TRY things my way and if you don't like it oh well." "You have no idea how bad I want to have sex with you right now." Now I will be honest, I was a tease. But I justified it because I thought it was true love. And looking back, he really didn't care how I felt about sex. He really didn't care about me as a person. If he had known I identify as Asexual, there would have been no relationship to begin with. I guess my biggest struggle is he was my first kiss. And that I feel, is a HUGE deal for an asexual. But in our most recent breakup texts, he said, "I don't know why you're so attached. It was a kiss. If it was sex I would understand." It just really upsets me that I didn't identify sooner, because while finding myself, I was vulnerable and was hurt. I'm still a virgin but I don't feel like it. And he had the audacity to try unprotected sex with me. Love is so confusing. I just hope people find themselves before jumping in a relationship right away. But the only reason I got this far was because he made me feel so uncomfortable. So I'm thankful for the experience, but I need more time before jumping in to another relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Nashira Posted February 1, 2016 Share Posted February 1, 2016 I'm so glad you're over it, and you were able to see that this relationship was being harmful for you. It's complicated to be assexual when people around you are all about sex=relationship, but I'm sure you'll find someone who will treat you with respect, you deserve it. There is no need to rush with relationships - from personal experience, whenever I tried desperately to find someone, it never worked. On another note, I know how refreshing it is to finally realize what your sexuality is, and find a community which will support you. I hope you enjoy your time here :) Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseja1987 Posted February 1, 2016 Share Posted February 1, 2016 Wow. that guy sounds like an Ass. Telling someone that you think you might have different levels of investment in a relationship, and that it makes you uncomfortable, is one thing; It's also a totally survivable conversation. There's a respectful and caring way to end things with someone because you want or value different things. However, dismissing your feelings because they aren't his own, or trying to dictate the significance you place on specific things, is very egotistical and entitled. It also sounds like he was being pretty indirect about what he wanted unless physical things were already happening, and not actually, you know, asking. "I want to have sex with you" in a new relationship should usually be followed with "What do you think/feel about that?", and is best if it initially is discussed in a venue where sex is not going to happen immediately following the conversation. And unprotected sex? With a new person? What was he thinking? Please tell me he didn't pull the whole: "It doesn't feel as good, don't you want me to feel good?" crap with you. Uhg. I want you to know it's not your fault he behaved this way. I also want to affirm that even if he's an ass, it's completely understandable that you feel hurt, or miss the affection. you formed a bond with him and placed a lot of trust in this person, and that IS a huge deal; don't let anyone downplay it. It's a huge deal strictly because it a huge deal to YOU. Don't blame yourself for not being able to know completely and immediately what you wanted, or for not being able to articulate it perfectly. No one ever does. DO take as much time as you need before looking for another relationship. DO take what steps you need to minimize this insensitive dude's presence in your life. DO keep respecting yourself and not staying in situations that don't work for you. DO share whatever you want with us here, we're your peeps. DO continue to find yourself and figure out what you want, at your own pace and in your own time, accepting that trial and error is normal. DO keep you head up, because you did nothing wrong. You've got this. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 1, 2016 Share Posted February 1, 2016 ^_^Awe!!! I already feel so much better! @Nashira thank you for refreshing me on the value of personal morals. It's hard not to rush into things sometimes because people can be so needy to be with someone. But I can sense that it pays off in the end to wait patiently for someone who understands you! Thank you for the sweet welcome. @Wiseja1987 you are absolutely correct. And unfortunately when things were tried, he did say along the lines of, "if you just get past the pain it won't hurt." So seems like he was botching my emotions to get his own sense of pleasure. Anyway, your words speak so kindly and true to the situation and I am truly thankful for that! Your voice provides so much self love and confidence in a situation that was really hurting my soul. I'm so happy I took the first step to come on this website!! Thank you a million times over:) Link to post Share on other sites
Nashira Posted February 1, 2016 Share Posted February 1, 2016 You're welcome! Just message me if you ever need anything ^_^ Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseja1987 Posted February 1, 2016 Share Posted February 1, 2016 Ditto. I'm glad I could help :) Link to post Share on other sites
jack616 Posted February 1, 2016 Share Posted February 1, 2016 You don't owe sex to anyone! Ever! Even if you marry someone, you do not 'owe' them sex or anything that makes you uncomfortable. Glad you ditched him. <3 :) Welcome to Aven! Link to post Share on other sites
IntrovertedBuddhist Posted February 6, 2016 Share Posted February 6, 2016 Hey, I'm new here too & I totally sympathize with your situation. I had a girlfriend once that wanted "more", I think she thought my lack of physical interest meant I wasn't interested in her. At the time I had no idea asexuality was even an option, so eventually I caved & we were intimate. My first time. It was enjoyable I suppose, but it didn't fix our relationship, she expected me to want her all the time after that. Now that it's over I regret ever having done it. I've got a lot of respect for you sticking up for yourself! As a guy, I've had to sit through the ridiculous, masogonistic "bro" conversations that happen when groups of guys get together. Just from what you said of your ex I know exactly the kind of guy he is, seen a million of them & you can do way better! Link to post Share on other sites
melancholy-sweet Posted February 6, 2016 Share Posted February 6, 2016 Almost every relationship I have been in has felt like this. It's like they wanted something from me that I didn't have, so it was always a source of fear for me. Glad to hear that you're out of this relationship and I hope you are able to take the time you need for yourself before getting into another relationship! Link to post Share on other sites
Starlit Sky Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 Ew . . . Spencer's. You know, I've gotten some pretty necklaces from there, but just about everything else from that store is . . . gross. Most of even their non-sexy stuff is worthy of an eye roll to me. Anyway . . . the thing about kissing, well, it's more of an individual thing. Some asexuals don't give a rat's butt about kissing at all, and some, like you, do. Similar to how some asexuals don't actually care either way about sex, and some do. ^_^ That being said, your feelings of attachment are not wrong at all! If it matters to you, then it matters--and that's what matters! The dude was a total . . . ugh. I think you are right when you say that he didn't really care about you too much at all. I get that sex is important to him, but from the things that you're telling us he was very pushy. I'm glad you're not with him anymore! :D Link to post Share on other sites
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